Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

A little patronising I think. And extremely rude (assorted, overused passive aggressive replies, just as one example! What makes you think you can speak to/about people in this superior way? I did not like your tone at all, madam!

I wonder if OP put notes through her neighbours’ doors during lockdown if she noticed that they weren’t clapping for the NHS.

Sounds like she didn't want to stand out or be challenged for not donating. I wouldn't say anything.

You should apologise to her. It was very rude to ask her about it in public!

It is totally her right not to donate. It sounds like the conversation got a bit 'competitive', she felt cornered but didn't want to explain why she does not want to donate. Just let it go!

One hundred percent..no! Leave it

It's awkward saying you didn't donate - not a good topic of conversation in a group and you should not have questioned her. She was put on the spot I suppose and didn't want to have to explain why she didn't. Clearly she has money but maybe gives to other charities - or never gives to charity? Don't take it personally. So, so many people raise money for charity these days and you can't possibly donate every time. Do not mention it again.

We have a family member that does stuff for charity, but it’s always something that they be fit from and they keep sending the message in the family chat until we’ve all donated. Some of us don’t have the funds to finance their latest holiday

It could also be that the OP bores people to death with self-righteously going on about this charity, I know a few people like that, and it's easier to say Yes, I donate, to shut her up.

Firstly I hate people who are mean with money.

However it doesn’t sound like it was a premeditated lie, she was out socialising and your fund raising efforts were brought up and she probably realised that she was the only one that hadn’t contributed and just quickly said that she did and when you queried it she said it was anonymous.

I don’t think it’s worth risking a life long friendship on so I would let it pass.

Blimmin eck
I'd hate to have a friend like you!

Rich or not, it is absolutely not on you to assume someone will donate. And certainly not to query someone about it either! Nevermind the judgemental "she buys new clothes though!" follow through. How embarrassing for you. 😳

Please don't say anything . Your friend may not have the spare money to donate at the moment ,so was saving face . If she's usually honest and faithful ,please give her the benefit of the doubt, She's a friend, a good honest genuine friend , cherish her and respect that she had a reason .

I can understand feeling miffed. I think I would too. I think I wouldn't say anything more about it and just not contribute if she was to fundraise in the future

This. She may have meant to complete a donation and been sidetracked. There is a difference between a "LIE!" and an administrative oversight.

Maybe she has felt badgered into giving to something she couldn't support, and mumbled what she did in an effort not to embarrass YOU. Has it occurred to you that she may disapprove of the charity or the methods?

Or she may have donated directly to the national charity; that's how I do things. I don't contribute to those "cause" fundraisers operated by individuals.

Either way, her wealth and spending are irrelevant. So is publicly questioning people about their charitable giving, and frankly discussing the "amount raised" is pretty tacky, too.

If all of the others had put in, I’d imagine it was an awkward situation situations and she nodded along because she was uncomfortable. Pretty normal reaction. No one is obliged to give anything.

Quite. I’m glad I have the friends I have, as some friendships sound bloody exhausting!

What's the betting that @PixiePromises hasn't been back because she's had another look through and spotted the friend's name?

This!
It doesn’t matter what her reasons are, when it comes to money Nobody and I mean Nobody has any right or should have any expectation to another’s or any understanding of how they choose to use it.
If you start to have expectations over others financially or regarding financial information and motives then it’s a slippery slop to loosing “kind of heart” friends and a draw string to gaining other who are motivated by money.

It often seen as controlling.

on the other hand you can ask but don’t expect a reply and take responsibility for any damage it does to your friendship.

It’s good to remember that your friend has your interests at heart and know the money you are discussing is connected to something very personally emotionally connected and significant to you and as I believe you are demonstrating in asking this question OP - you might take her non financial contribution as a lack of support for what’s important to you.

When money is tied up to something close to the heart it’s easy to let emotions cloud judgement and affect friendships.

On this one situation forgive but don’t forget- as it will serve your friendship (s) well not to muddy them with what could be construed as financial expectation even though that’s furthest from your mind.

Forgive and be kind to her and your friendship with her.

I also think that was out of order. You shouldn't ever pressurise someone to donating or checking up on anyone to see if they did donate. Not a nice thing to do, I'm sorry @PixiePromises

Does it matter if she donated or not maybe moneys tight. Maybe the topic of conversation made her feel uncomfortable if she couldn't afford to donate. Maybe she donated using someone else's account. Why call her up on it thats just nastiness.

@PixiePromises so you know who and how much everyone donated even people thought they were anonymous. That's good to know. I won't be making any more anonymous donations then.

There's nothing to be gained by asking her about it. If you're confident she could afford to donate, yet convinced she didn't, what can she say that would make a positive difference? It will only be awkward for both of you. She shouldn't have lied, but questioning her about it wouldn't be any better. Best to just accept that she has her reasons, and they're most likely nothing personal against you. If she's a good supportive friend in other ways, that's what matters.

You were wrong to go sleuthing and checking up on her, what is the matter with you? I don't believe you have never told a white lie to avoid having to get into something you'd rather keep private. Mind your own business and don't be so judgemental.

You were out of order checking to see if she had or hadn't. I guess if she had, you'd of had a view on how much she donated. She just went along with the conversation. I'm shocked by your rudeness.

She obviously didn't want to donate but didn't have the courage to admit to your face . I don't think I would have either

There are worse crimes. Let it go.