Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

Why not have the guts to be open about your choices and not lie to an old friend?

It's not just an old friend is it? It's being called out / questioned (by said friend) in front of multiple people.

Plus, maybe you wouldn't mind if a friend was simply honest about not donating, but OP is not just miffed about the lying but also the not donating ("She is my richest friend, yet the only one not to donate")... Also who keeps tabs on whether every single friend has donated or not?! Usually fundraisers have mixed reactions. If every single other friend donated, I'm betting at least some of them were pressured into it.

She publicly told her friend "I haven't seen a donation in your name", and still wants to confront her friend again even now. To me, this tells us something about OP's personality... There are close friends I love but am just more careful with due to their personalities.

Basically, it's more of a non-stance than a stance really, i.e. more that I can't be particularly bothered about veganism/whatever niche cause people are really in to. This means I'm really not prepared to get into a public (or private, but especially public) stand-off or interrogation or shaming or about it. I would probably donate on the spot if pressed to.

So yes, call me a coward but on the spur of the moment I'd have panicked and told a white lie (either to save face publicly, or if my friend is the petty sort to not trigger her), and maybe gone home and done a donation to make amends for it.

Maybe she thought she had donated and it didn't go through for whatever reason.
Maybe she donated directly to the cause.
Maybe she has other issues or reasons not to donate but she supported you in the convo as saying why she didn't donate would make it awkward.

If you are really, really, really good friends and you are ok to risk losing the friendship, you could mention you didn't see the donation and were concerned something sinister was happening causing payment to go astray.

Otherwise keep quiet and enjoy having a supportive friend.

Context, I'm not good at making/keeping friends, my longest friend is lovely but sometimes over commits to meet-ups and rather than say, she's got other plans, she tells me a fib about being poorly. I've spotted it a couple if times when she's being telling me she met x or did y.
This is her, and it's not malicious, she might be my best friend but I'm probably not hers and that's OK. I'd prefer honesty but she doesn't like to disappoint, so I just overlook it and I politely enquire about her health on the days following our cancelled meet, and she's usually fine lol.

A friend questioning me and our friendship over not donating to their choice of charity would be more of a friendship questioning issue for me.

and she lied about it

This is unfair- you queried her in front of a group of people. Of course she's going to say yes, thats peer pressure for you. As PP have said, there could be many reasons why she didnt or maybe she did under someone else's name, or just forgot and will do it later or did it directly to the charity, or maybe she's already donated to that charity prior to this event as she knows its important to you. If you must have this discussion it should be in private not in front of others.
Have you never told a lie in your life?- none of us are perfect, we sometimes get things wrong, doesnt mean we arent worthy of having friends.

You then clarified that she is your "richest friend" - it's really not your decision as to what she spends her money on. Her buying new clothes and going on holiday is not an indicator of wealth- I know loads of people that arent rich who whack this lot on credit cards and then spend the rest of the year paying it off. Thats our culture for you- have it now, pay later.

You've been friends for 40 years, if she has been a good friend up until now then let this go, its a really petty thing to jeopardise a long standing friendship over and if you do insist on going down this route then I think you'll regret it later on down the line.

No. She probably couldn't afford it and is embarrassed. Leave her be.

Maybe she intends to but is a bit chaotic! If she is normally a supportive friend,let it go.

Bollocks was it about op wanting to thank her! I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name
Op wanted to know why the friend hadn't given her money as she feels entitled to it because of friends income and what she spends her money on.

I think I would have admitted I hadn't yet,but would.I get in a tiz with PayPal etc as always forgetting my password and most likely offer cash or transfer some to her. Or if I was a bit short of money admitted I was a bit skint.

And re go fund me an anonymousness op is right and it will display your name, email and donation amount to gofundme and the organiser. That's a platform I'll not use again!

Personally I wouldn't question anyone.
I'd want to give something (unless it was to a political party I dislike)

And re go fund me an anonymousness op is right and it will display your name, email and donation amount to gofundme and the organiser. That's a platform I'll not use again!

Bloody hell, I'm another who will never use this platform again then if it's not truly anonymous. The entire point of it being anonymous is to avoid the judgement (as evidenced by the OP's post) people feel about the amounts they can afford to give.

Wont be using gofundme again then!

I wonder if that's a reason why end up getting so much spam crop via email? While am sure there's rules for gofund me selling my email, if it's open to the organisers who's to say what they do with it!

@PixiePromises she doesn’t have to donate because you want her too, maybe she disagrees with your choice of charity. If you were rude enough to call it out in a wider group, I’m sure many people would have told a white lie to avoid a confrontation. Your friend doesn’t want to donate and has voted with her behaviour by not doing so. Get over it and leave her alone.

When my mum died, she was looked after by the martletts. After she passed, I donated money and clothes to their charity as a thank you for their excellent care.

For years afterwards I was hounded by them- regular phone calls, letters, leaflets, requests for money etc. They had no sense whatsoever of how painful it was for me to be constantly reminded of that time in my life. It really pissed me off and I had already explained to them that I didnt have the funds at the time to continue donating on a monthly basis. It wasnt even the money so much as I didnt want to be constantly reminded of my mums last days. I had to complain in the end and only then did it stop. I have empathy for charities but they need to respect the word no- its stupid and completely counterproductive to hassle people.

No don't say anything.

I took some sofas off a lady and said I would donate the BHF.. I remembered that day and tried and the darn website would only take subscriptions, I went off the site and promptly forgot, in my head I think I thought I'd donated.

It's 6 months later I remembered!!

There are two issues here OP. No one should be coerced into giving to a specific charity or called out for not doing so. However, it is totally inappropriate to lie and say you have donated to a charity when you have not; it’s really grubby and unnecessary.
I do understand why you felt irked. Sometimes silence is golden, on both sides.

It’s understandable you are hurt by her lie but it would be best to let it lie. Personally I’m getting fed up of charity requests, regular e mails from charities I’ve donated to in the past, every supermarket asking for a donation, Mc Donald’s etc .Constantly asked by homeless/beggars in the street . I donate to charity , I donate to charity when it’s a bereavement , race for life , friends who are raising money etc but it’s becoming a demand and I find it unreasonable .

You think it's ok for people to lie then? That's what the OP is hurt about, not the fact that her friend didn't donate - she clearly already knew that. If a friend lies to you, then they are not a good friend.

Why are you presuming she has lied? She may have meant to donate and then forgot and got muddled. Or donated with someone else, I've donated with work friends and a boyfriend previously. She may also be tight for cash and hoping to donate the next time she has someone.

I get these requests from colleagues and friends CONSTANTLY. Charities, sponsored walks, sponsored runs, people struggling with money etc etc. I cannot donate to them all. I understand the lying upset you but it sounds like you put her on the spot and she was trying to avoid being humiliated.

Tell her that you went through all the donations, to personally thank them and you have access to all the names including anonymous, so you don't think hers went through and wouldn't like to think of her losing money so to check it's not left her account 💸💰
That way you've done it positively as in calling her out then it's up to her whether or not she donates.
She could of just felt embarrassed as she hadn't gotten around to it yet.

If you really want to judge your friend, judge her on the support she gave you during the family tragedy, rather than how she responded to being publicly questioned about a more performative gesture of support.

And using your perception of someone’s circumstances is a very narrow and potentially distorted lens through which to make your judgments. If your friend confided in you that, despite appearances, she was actually in financial difficulty would you assume she was lying about that too?

I do get how upsetting it is when people who you thought were genuine turn out to be a bit crappy. I did a charity walk some years ago for a major international children's charity, obviously had to raise sponsorship money, the only people who did not pay the money promised were extremely wealthy.

You can never know how rich someone is until you see their bank statements. She could be a shopaholic in debt likewise the poorest of your friends could only be appearing poor but actually have alot banked away. Don't judge based on spending habits x