What do you think of my trans child?

[ANAMEF0RATHREAD]

Asking in chat to get a slightly balanced view perhaps.

I'm concerned that my dd now says she is a boy, she's 19.

I used to think that they would be okay but with the politics turning the other way I worry for them so much.
Will they still make friends? will they lose out on jobs? Will they get mocked etc

I am gender critical I guess, in that I don't believe people can change sex but I'm pretty okay with people expressing themself how they want to, but this is my child

Please tell me what you think, I've heard what FWR say, 'they think they're so special, blue hair brigade, naval gazers' etc

Yeah let's put women's safety at risk in the name of gender ideology.

www.thetimes.com/life-style/sex-relationships/article/unisex-changing-rooms-put-women-in-danger-8lwbp8kgk

No. We're saying no.

You said you wanted honest responses.

I gave one.

It's was exceptionally damaging to me and went through a lot with the implications.

The whole idea here is that everything and everyone has to walk on eggshells to accommodate something which isn't true. This has implications. In other situations this is considered abusive and coercive through emotional abuse.

Psychologically I also went through questioning myself because my mother told me constantly that me and my brother were 'born the wrong way round'.

Then there's the implications of having to deal with the idea that I have a sister. I don't. I didn't grow up with a sister. My childhood was shaped and framed around having a brother.

Identities are not just individual. They are also relational. So being told - often by 'allies' on the internet with no idea - that I have a sister and I'm disrespectful for saying I have a brother isn't ok.

The rampant sexism and homophobia from my parents that was unspoken I saw and experienced first hand.

So yeah, I don't really have time for the 'do gooders' who are willfully blind to the impacts.

As I say it's not a neutral act. I wish it was.

It's a cult I lost someone to. I lost multiple people to. It harms women. It harms homosexuals.

But most of all it harms people who identify as trans who are sold a bunch of lies that aren't challenged. It's easier to do this that to examine and tackle the underlying problems. The Cass Review highlights the concerning patterns of young people who identify as trans. Its easier to just affirm rather than explore other issues.

So yes, I'm an arsehole. I've had years of dealing with being told that and thinking that of myself for 'being selfish'.

But actually I'm not. Rights are all about balancing issues and the protections of all. I'm concerned about the long term effects to, particularly young women, who but into it only to slowly realise they are in a cult and the harms they've done to themselves. I'm concerned about the abuse done to these vulnerable young people.

That's before a whole pile of other issues - including the one that actually it's ok to understand I matter too. Women matter too. There are massive implications to replacing sex based protections with gendered ideas and stereotypes.

Did you really want honest responses or did you just come on here looking for reassurance for yourself?

Think about this carefully.

I think that people are afraid to speak out irl for fear of upsetting someone. MN probably expresses many people’s true feelings.
DS goes to a tiny school and the general consensus of his year group seems to be that the trans students are attention seekers - that is partly down to one student who was extremely rude to a teacher who used the wrong pronouns. The student is a biological male, wears the male uniform and looks male but insists he be called she/her. The class really like the teacher who was shot down and were very much on her side and not that of the trans student.

This.

Her age is very relevant here.

Redtoothbrush. I didn't say you were an arsehole at all. I just said I'm glad my child is a nice person. I didn't mean for that to come across that way, apologies.

Rather than a kid who is unkind etc

DS goes to a tiny school and the general consensus of his year group seems to be that the trans students are attention seekers -

Yes this is what I read on here a lot, I wondered if it was true in the real world. It seems some saying yes and others saying not at all. My child is quite quiet really but perhaps it is attention seeking

I think you can help your daughter navigate the world to avoid being hurt - it's the "don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to," philosophy.

If she just goes about her day, dressed how she likes, with whatever name she chooses and understands that people will often still see a female and that doesn't actually matter, she will be fine. We have found a way to co-exist in terms of religion, it's a "you do you, don't force it on me," way of living and trans people can do the same.

If she goes up to people asking them if they think she is a man, seeks out things that would provide "validation," such as male roles in a school show or on the boys football team at school. She is setting herself up to fail and be hurt. The trans activism encourages kids to do these things and it's hard to believe they have their best interests at heart. Teaching them to live and let live would be much calmer and easier for someone genuinely struggling.

I, and my children (including an ASD DD) find anyone seeking constant validation tiresome and annoying - whether its a friend constantly wanting reassurance she's thin/pretty or a girl wanting reassurance she's a boy - same kind of neediness and not fun to be around. This is under your DDs control though and it is up to her how she interacts with the world.

Good luck to you both, it's a hard time to be an autistic female.

One of the best things I've seen is that boys identify as trans to stand out whilst girls identify as trans to try and disappear.

There's differing reasons for this.

There's multiple needs and multiple cohorts going on.

I have knowledge of similar…friend’s 19 year old daughter is now non-binary and in a relationship with a 20 year old female who identifies as male and has had a mastectomy.

I know I’m not the same person I was at 40, never mind 20…

It's just the new version of autistic girls having the emo stage because theyre looking for somewhere they fit in. It'll be something else in another decade.
I don't think any adults pay it much attention or will even notice she's wanting to be a boy, plenty of females avoid stereotypes and where baggy clothes or have short hair nowadays.

I would disagree, within my circle anyway. I think for a few years we’ve all been a bit scared to voice opinions for fear of being labelled “ist” in any way, but now, especially in Scotland where I live, people are realising that this ideology which is being forced on the population is very harmful to women, and young people in particular… People are WAY less reticent about sharing their opinions publicly and are almost relieved that their thinking has not been “ist”, it’s been common sense that they’ve been afraid to voice till now, but now it’s very much being voiced, and quite loudly

What would I think of her?

Well, at first glance, I would assume that she is a girl that happens to likes clothes and other things that are traditionally and/or stereotypically associated with boys.

If she has gender dysphoria and/or believes that she actually is a boy that was somehow born into the "wrong" body, I would conclude that she is mentally unwell and in need of appropriate psychiatric support.

I certainly wouldn't laugh at her or want anyone to be unkind to her. She sounds unwell and she needs appropriate support.

I don’t know why you’d set yourself up like this tbh

I think she needs to think about the many many different ways of being a woman.

And I think you could offer to help her find ways to come to terms with her female body, and then get on with the rest of her life.

The problem is some of these young people are taking a medicalised route which they can’t reverse. The medicalised route can also cause pain, incontinence and sexual dysfunction.

I would honestly wonder how and when your child was lied to and told they could change sex, and why the parents hadn’t explained basic biology and reality to the child growing up.

I would have an issue with a trans identified person insisting they were the opposite sex to my children on an educational setting in a position of authority, yes. And that's not about transphobia, it's about them expecting my children to subvert their natural instincts, lie or believe something untrue which will fundamentally alter their perception of reality.

I would (and do, with several people I know) hugely pity your daughter as it's clear there are other issues at hand, and because the long term health implications of any interventions are so awful. I've offered a friend as much support as I can as her 15yo is identifying as a NB elf, and is getting more and more sucked into a culture of victimhood and suicidality. I haven't mocked, or been cruel. I feel horrendous for them both.

She's not unintelligent, you don't need to be horrible

She is not suicidal or even sad. She is a very happy child, though I'm sure you will argue that she can't be. I have two ther children and one is very unhappy so I am not blinkered

Some people may hate your child for being Trans but they are arseholes.
It is impossible to change sex but you can dress how you choose and even change your name/pronouns as well.
I agree with someone upthread though that your child may just be trying to navigate their autism as every girl I have ever come across who "thinks they are in the wrong body" is autistic. Maybe they will stay male presenting or maybe they wont - I just hope that they seek other solutions than life altering surgery or drugs.

That’s their choice. If they feel their child may be told things like boys can be girls and girls can be boys, I don’t blame them. Who wants their young children to be told this stuff? Trans people believe strongly in gender/that you can change gender, not something I’d have wanted around my kids. People are allowed to put their own child’s wellbeing before your child’s.

I'm not sure of the statistics, but I'd imagine the percentage doing that is likely similar to the percentage in the previous generation self harming, starving themselves and making themselves throw up during the anorexia/bulimia "Pro ana/mia" body dismorphia phase.
It's all unfortunately physically harmful when it goes to the extremes.

*I think she needs to think about the many many different ways of being a woman.

And I think you could offer to help her find ways to come to terms with her female body, and then get on with the rest of her life.*

Well we've talked about gender and what it means and that they don't need to fit into stereotypes and can be whoever they want, she knows I am confused about why she can't be the person she wants to be without saying she's a boy

Good for her and I sincerely hope it stays that way. I'm afraid to say most of the 'trans joy' I see in females is of the E Page, dead eyed terror variety.

She's 19, she's not a child and I hope she has found a way which helps her to navigate the world without needing to modify her healthy body to continue feeling that way. You asked how people feel. I commented how I would feel.