What do you think of my trans child?

[ANAMEF0RATHREAD]

Asking in chat to get a slightly balanced view perhaps.

I'm concerned that my dd now says she is a boy, she's 19.

I used to think that they would be okay but with the politics turning the other way I worry for them so much.
Will they still make friends? will they lose out on jobs? Will they get mocked etc

I am gender critical I guess, in that I don't believe people can change sex but I'm pretty okay with people expressing themself how they want to, but this is my child

Please tell me what you think, I've heard what FWR say, 'they think they're so special, blue hair brigade, naval gazers' etc

Not being able to change sex isn't a belief, it's a fact! I agree with the rest though.

This 100%

If I met her as a teenager or young adult, I'd treat her like any other teenager who is convinvced her tribe have all the answers - with tolerance and a little nostalgia for the certainty of youth.

If I met her as a full adult and she had maintained a trans gender identity I'd treat her like any other sexist adult - I'd be polite but the relationship would remain superficial because her prejudice about women would be a barrier to any real connection.

Quite frankly the only thing I’d think about your daughter is that I’d feel extremely sad for her. People need help and they aren’t getting it. It’s heartbreaking that people are that sad in their bodies that they believe that they can pretend to be the other gender and be happy. My brother has Asperger’s and said he was female for a while. He wasn’t happy and like the majority of people saying they are trans he reverted back to his true gender. People need therapy not acceptance of things you can’t change.

^^ This.

I absolutely respect anyone's decision to live in the gender they are most comfortable in. Even if I secretly wonder if there are other issues at play in their psychology. I would never question them though, even though I don't believe people can change sex.

I do wonder if its a kind of social blip and we will perhaps see less people wishing to transition in future. But I don't know, I haven't got a crystal ball to gaze into.

There are a few trans people in the small town where I live and yes one reports that they are shouted at, abuse etc though he/she does some wear eye catching clothes/make up shall we say.

The others seem to get on OK, from what I can see. I'd like to think I'd stick up for anyone who was being given aggro. Aggro givers (mainly men, often drunk) would give bother to anyone for any reason - you're black, you'r gay, you're a woman, you're trans. There's always going to be a few idiots out there giving us the dubious benefit of their views.

My niece has decided to live life as a male (similar age), and though the older generation like her gran finds it hard to remember new name and gender pronoun, most younger people (including me as a 50 year old woman/feminist) just kind of shrug and get on with it.

I wish you and your child all the best OP.

I’m gender critical to a degree. I believe that there are some people who have a profound gender dysphoria since very early childhood and I believe that in those cases transitions is a medical need and fully support that . However I also think that the vast majority of trans / NB young people now reflects a dissatisfaction with their life, a self doubt and an uncertainty re many aspects of their identity ( not just gender) which is then attributed to being in the “ wrong “ gender” . For some transitioning is a reaction to trauma and abuse. And yet their issues awol not be solved and may be made worse by transitioning.
I think many teens now are feeling shoe horned into very narrow definitions of gender and this needs to change.
As to what I think of your trans child - I think they deserve love and reassurance and dignity and respect. I think they should receive support from a psychologist- NOT from a gender service - to explore any emotional or identity or trauma issues so they can access the right support. It’s possible that transitioning is the right move for them but in my opinion gender services focus only on that issue and quick fix by hormone prescribing and this may actually not be the appropriate therapy. I wish them luck on their journey and hope they gain some peace with themselves

As to what I think of your trans child

I don’t her child, or any, should be thought of as trans at this stage.

Her child is someone expressing gender confusion/ incongruence and the root cause of this needs to be established and the most appropriate way forward decided on. Labeling children or young people ( or anyone) from the off as ‘trans’ has contributed to them being transitioned without holistic diagnostic health care taking place first.

I would treat them like I treat anyone else. If they want me to use he/him pronouns I will. It wouldn't be a barrier to employment or friendship. I'm fact, I know how hard life would be for them so would probably make an extra effort to be kind and supportive (if I knew they were trans). Once testosterone kicks in trans men look just like cis men so I probably wouldn't even know.

This.

It's her daughter. How can she give "a wide berth"?

I would say this...

Watch and wait and don't encourage medical intervention, in fact actively discourage medicalisation.

There have always been girls and young women who don’t conform to standard notions of femininity. I was one. My DD was one. There was some disapprobation from various sources (my parents, some of my daughter’s less pleasant peers) but it wasn’t a big deal, nor should it be. However, trans ideology has made it a big deal, currently.
What you should be worried about is any possible plans your child might have to permanently injure herself by seeking medication or surgery, or prior to that, by breast binding.

If some is female and describes themselves as a gay male isn't that hugely disrespectful and actively abusive to gay men?

It's homophobic not to recognise that gay attraction is about sex.

Why should I respect this?

Genuine question.

So your daughter is dating a biological woman.

I’m gender critical but think that your DC should be entitled to express themselves free from judgement or prejudice. As a f to m transition I’d be worried about changes to medical records meaning they missed out on appropriate medical care associated with female anatomy such as smears etc. My gender criticality is just based around I think we should have a society where your sex is your sex but society accepts however you wish to present to the world as you and your personality, rather than judgment on people thinking they’re special/naval gazing etc.

Whether your child will still have friends/ get a job/ be mocked will not depend on whether they pretend to be a different sex. It will depend on whether they want everyone to treat them as special, expect the world to revolve around them, dress inappropriately for the job they apply for, dont bother to get work experience/ dont demonstrate a good work ethic. Britain used to be a tolerant society - adults mocking them is unlikely, children normally grow out of bullying behaviour.

I have a trans relative. Their partner is also trans. They have a job. They still have their family. They are also beginning to suffer the health disadvantages that are common in trans people and their partner is unable to work full time because of their health problems. Your daughter will not be OK, but you are worrying about the wrong things, - urinary incontinence, blood clots, osteoporosis, infertility are the things that should concern you.

I am angry about these young, often autistic, often same sex attracted young people being failed by those who promote the lie that you can change sex or go through medical interventions without damage. I am sad for the young people who have been so badly let down. Encourage watchful waiting if you can.

I think you very much misunderstand the motivations of the women on the FWR board.

They are trying to protect vulnerable autistic children like yours from the harm caused by gender ideology. They very much do NOT hate trans people as individuals but are fighting against the destruction of women's rights and the medicalisation of gender confused youth.

Well you say that, but I've seen the threads where some people on the board say they would take their child out of misery if a trans person worked there, that kind of thing.

Nursery

I have found this generally reassuring, thanks. She is not planning to change her body and I've let her know my issues with this. But who knows

Without reading the full thread - if I hear someone’s child is trans I feel sorry for them that they are confused, genuinely, and hope that their parents are sensible enough to see that too.

She is indeed but I respect his request to use his preferred pro nouns and treat him as I would any of her friends.

I don't know your DD and how she behaves towards other people, which I'm sure makes a lot of difference to how others will treat her. But I have an adult DD of my own (moved out quite a few years ago so I have very little influence) who is a trans man.

She takes testosterone and has changed her name and dresses in masculine clothes (though she always has to an extent). Most people still treat her differently (she doesn't magically fit in better - she also believes she's autistic) , even though she doesn't see it, but not usually in a bad way. She is employed (has been ever since she left uni), she had good friends, she is in a loving long term (lesbian) relationship - so yes, all these things are possible for trans people.

Her health has been impacted by the testosterone though she is in denial about it, and she has not had surgery and doesn't intend to have "bottom surgery". I don't think her relationship would survive if she did.

I would think people in her age group won’t give a shit how she wants to identify. Ds is early 20’s and neither him nor his friends give this any thought.

Even if you hadn't written she was autistic I'd assume so or that she had MH difficulties, same sex attracted or had experienced SA and felt safer as a man as that is my experience of those who fall into the trans camp. I would certainly expect her to be vulnerable in some way so I wouldn't mock but I wouldnt use He pronouns either, at a stretch I'll use their name or 'their/them' if I must.

If Im honest I'd think you as parents haven't done your job properly buying into the 'be kind' rhetoric and the fashion of the times, if this started when she was living with you. I also appreciate that for a lot of parents when their child is struggling possibly SH or suicidal you would do anything to keep them happy. However, in my experience alot of parents just go along with it all because it's en vogue and for some weird reason even nowadays it's easier for families and friends to accept a trans family member rather than a same sex attracted one.