What do you think of my trans child?

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Asking in chat to get a slightly balanced view perhaps.

I'm concerned that my dd now says she is a boy, she's 19.

I used to think that they would be okay but with the politics turning the other way I worry for them so much.
Will they still make friends? will they lose out on jobs? Will they get mocked etc

I am gender critical I guess, in that I don't believe people can change sex but I'm pretty okay with people expressing themself how they want to, but this is my child

Please tell me what you think, I've heard what FWR say, 'they think they're so special, blue hair brigade, naval gazers' etc

Love and support. Listening and affirming care. This is what they’d have from me, and what I hope they have from you as they learn about themselves.

I am a librarian; in public libraries we see so many kids and young adults (and adults!) discovering who they are, exploring and finding out… and when they don’t have support from their families, it can be truly tragic.

Just give yourself a sense of gentleness and softness around it all.

don’t worry about how the world will treat them, or politics - if they have a safe home, they’ll weather and discover what is right and true for them.

it is not, by the way, a “cult.” Mumsnet is very skewed toward anti-trans.
come into the libraries sometime, and learn how accepted and loved people can be in all the ways they need to present themselves.

This x1000

personally I’d feel empathic towards individual trans young people but would make the assumption that they were on the autistic spectrum or post trauma or post abuse or struggling with puberty or body dysmorphia, so needed support and care. If I was in your shoes I’d help her access independent unbiased counselling to help her soul search and get to the crux of what she’s struggling with.

It’s a relief woman and girls safeguarding and dignity is coming to the forefront.

I find it difficult to place myself in the world of 19 year olds because they're not my peer group, but from the young people around me, I'd say it doesn't seem that it would it stop your dc making friends or having a job or being accepted. The majority of people are kind, and treat people as they find them. It certainly wouldn't stop me employing your dc provided they met the criteria for the job.

You didn't ask for my two pence worth but I'd also say this: as an oncology mum, I've spent far far far too much time witnessing the horrendous unpredicted side effects of surgery and treatment, and I would want very much for my dc to stay away from any surgery or medication that hadn't been properly tested with the long term implications fully known and understood. I think there's a long way to go until we get to that point, and I would want to protect my dc from any hasty irreversible decisions about transitioning. I don't believe humans can change sex but I do believe that our dc deserve unconditional love and support.

we have quite a few trans people at work and everyone receives work place training.

No-one can think anything of your child based on knowing just one piece of info about them. I’ve met quite a few people I my life who have been uncomfortable with their gender or identifies more with the other sex (I’m bisexual, active in LGBT circles in my younger days) and tbh that was just a small part of who they are and a part that was none of my business really.

I would just treat this as I would any other mental health/emotional issue. Sympathy and sensitivity, hope they work their way through it.

Slightly younger but my daughter is dating a trans boy. They have had some comments but most of their friends are supportive and just accept him. He passes as male but hasn’t started to take hormones. I am sure they will face some comments but currently they are few and far between and the support they have is greater.

I’d be happy for her to live her life in peace but I wouldn’t be using wrong sex pronouns. Nor would I pretend she was a boy

My son is 18 and he’d be pretty understanding, it wouldn’t put him off being friends.

I think I would be telling her she can't change sex but she can dress however she wants and that she should stand against stereotypes like short hair =boy

I'd tell her she may struggle to find a partner as if she is attracted to men, most men wouldn't want a woman who thinks she's a bloke and gay men want men! (Same applies if she is lesbian)

I'd feel very sad for her.

I feel sorry for her, absolutely wouldn't mock but do think she's going to get some hard times - abd huge disappointment

I feel very sorry for her. It’s entirely understandable why someone would want to opt out of being female and everything that goes with it, especially if they don’t meet or want to meet many of the criteria that makes it easier to be accepted. It makes me sad and angry that a life that would enable her to be healthy in her own skin is so difficult for her to envisage. And it makes me absolutely furious that vultures who do not give a shit about young women like your daughter, who have been happy to use them for profit and fame and brownie points, have had so much influence.

How can we judge your child when we don't know them.

I'd feel sorry for your daughter rather than hate her - it's hard feeling accepted as an autistic person and being trans might seem like a helpful "explanation", but comes with lots of challenges - health wise and also the cognitive dissonance required in yourself (even if you hold a sincere belief that you are the opposite sex, you can't actually be the opposite sex and you will have memories as your non chosen sex) and others (which can make forming relationships more difficult - not because trans people are awful, but because it puts some things off limits and it is hard to have a relationship of equals with someone you feel sorry for).

This. Much love to you and your daughter.

I wouldn't think anything at all, unless her behaviour was aggressive towards me.

What does that mean? Presumably the training is clear on the Equalities Act 2010 and protected characteristics. Otherwise it would be shit training.

I think a trans child is very vulnerable and has been badly let down by the adults in our society who have promoted this ideology.

There is a high rate of autistic girls being trans boys/men.

Seems to be related to struggling with puberty.

I wouldn't judge your child or you. People can dress how they like. I am gender critical though is that I don't believe gender is a set of rules - more a social norm and changes society to society.

I also don't believe you can change sex.

I would however get her some sessions if you can afford with it a psychologist - but not a gender specific one. A general one who can help them explore their feelings on the wider context.

What? People can't seek advice anonymously about something they can't really ask in real life? Don't be ridiculous.

‘Gender bending’, as it was called and fully accepted in the 80s, is no big deal to anybody. Delusional thinking about changing sex and expecting others to collude in it, is not ok.

Op, you are right to be concerned. In your shoes I would be encouraging her with experimenting in a non-feminine appearance and good role models, but I would be absolutely getting her to accept that she is a girl, and one that doesn’t let her sexed body get in the way of her potential to have an amazing life and adventures.

This.

I think a lot of autistic people are being exploited by the TRA

I would treat her with respect, as I would any colleague, but I’d also be thinking that she’d grow out of the “trans phase” in a few years.

I think the 'hate' tends to be directed towards trans women who insist they are entitled to be in women only spaces.
In contrast teenage autistic trans men are going to garner a lot of concern as they are extremely vulnerable.

I can't speak for your daughter, but a large number of those I have encountered who are trans etc, are that way due to trauma.

For example, I knew someone with fibromyalgia, and 'she' transitioned into being male because she was in so much pain, she felt she was in the wrong body. However, she also went through a period of being a cat, a 'god', and no doubt several others to try and explain her pain.

Although, I've also seen a few who appear to do it for some 'place' in the world. They're misfits and so do this to stand out and feel unique and listened to in their own way.

I would completely neutral. Somebody's sex and gender are not interesting to me at all. What is interesting to me is why it's exploded everywhere. When I was growing up I used to be a real tom boy. And now it's so rare you see anything other than Uber feminine girls around. Rarely see any girls wearing anything remotely neutral or boyish. When did being a female become so uncomfortable? I think the high incidence of autism is interesting and needs serious thought and research. In short, live and let live, but offer unconditional love and support.