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Original poster

What do you think of my trans child?

188 replies

ANAMEF0RATHREAD · 10/06/2024 18:09

Asking in chat to get a slightly balanced view perhaps.

I'm concerned that my dd now says she is a boy, she's 19.

I used to think that they would be okay but with the politics turning the other way I worry for them so much.
Will they still make friends? will they lose out on jobs? Will they get mocked etc

I am gender critical I guess, in that I don't believe people can change sex but I'm pretty okay with people expressing themself how they want to, but this is my child

Please tell me what you think, I've heard what FWR say, 'they think they're so special, blue hair brigade, naval gazers' etc

OP posts:
SuePreemly · 11/06/2024 08:25

I don't think many people have issues with individual trans men or women. I also really admire Alexis Blake and her nuanced and thoughtful approach to trans issues. I have absolutely not problem with trans people, and actually feel like their lives and issues have been taken over and almost militarised by a small group of activists who aren't doing helping greater trans population.

Having taught a fair few trans teens now, every single one of them is ASD. Being a teenager today is hideous. They seem to need to put people into boxes and the idea of being a tomboy girl or less butch lad, or just gay/lesbian and all the varieties of people that involves doesn't seem to fit into this narrow world view of what men/women are. Add in loads of other pressure and it's easy to see why kids who are already struggling with social "life" feel like there's something wrong with them, therefore they must be in the "wrong" body.

All you can do is support, love and see what happens. Get them counselling to talk through the issues.

Interestingly 2 of the kids I taught have reverted back to original pronouns after being they/them and changing names and have simply come out as gay.

Starlightstarbright3 · 11/06/2024 08:28

ANAMEF0RATHREAD · 10/06/2024 18:16

My child is autistic. I suppose that is the underlying issue.
My concern is the hate that they will get, they are oblivious to this I think

This was going to be my question … The number of people who claim to be trans who have autism is alarming .

I would be doing my research on supporting your child with autism because I think it needs a different approach .

HeadacheEarthquake · 11/06/2024 08:29

Variolia · 10/06/2024 18:12

I’d think you can’t change your biological sex.

Bur that you should be free to live in your chosen gender without people harassing you for it.

This!

fantasmasgoria1 · 11/06/2024 08:29

The majority of young people who think they are trans turn out not to be. Some get pressured into having surgery etc then when they de - transition they are left with even more issues. Chloe cole is a young woman who transitioned then de-transitioned. There are many like this. She needs to have therapy for quite some time because people who have gender dysphoria can end up accepting themselves before they do anything other than dress like the opposite sex.

Wibibo · 11/06/2024 08:32

My first thought before I got to your other post, was that she is probably autistic.
im autistic too and I feel very sorry for young autistic people lately because of the trend in young autistic people turning trans, I went to a school for those with ND (mostly autism) and the few girls including myself wore boys clothes (more comfortable, baggier, more pockets) tended to have short hair, for sensory reasons, into a lot of hobbies people assume to be male dominated, hated going through female puberty and just a longing to fit in with society, but never under any impression that we were anything but girls, we were just girls who liked things out of the usual ans autistic which is why it was hard to fit in. Now I can see especially with online discords, Reddit etc how easily it can be to be persuaded that the reason you feel on the outs is because you’re “born in the wrong body” vs autistic.

Original poster
ANAMEF0RATHREAD · 11/06/2024 08:33

If Im honest I'd think you as parents haven't done your job properly buying into the 'be kind' rhetoric and the fashion of the times, if this started when she was living with you.

Thanks for the honesty, I suppose this is one of the things I was wondering whether people think, that's it's the parents fault. I'm sad about that but I did think that was probably the case

OP posts:
Chocolatelight · 11/06/2024 08:34

A friend of a friends child is ftm trans. ‘L’ is 20, autistic and has had a mastectomy. I can’t help but feel sad for L.

RedToothBrush · 11/06/2024 08:37

I have a lot of thoughts about the environment these kids have grown up in and I feel sorry for them. And I don't have time for the cult like behaviour. I don't care how people dress.

But it's not a neutral act to say that you are something you are not. It can be exceptionally disrespectful to those other groups. So I don't wish to pander to being asked to indulge lies under the umbrella of it somehow being 'respectful'. It's not.

I seem the ideology as homophobic and fundamentally sexist.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 11/06/2024 08:38

runningonberocca · 10/06/2024 20:22

I’m gender critical to a degree. I believe that there are some people who have a profound gender dysphoria since very early childhood and I believe that in those cases transitions is a medical need and fully support that . However I also think that the vast majority of trans / NB young people now reflects a dissatisfaction with their life, a self doubt and an uncertainty re many aspects of their identity ( not just gender) which is then attributed to being in the “ wrong “ gender” . For some transitioning is a reaction to trauma and abuse. And yet their issues awol not be solved and may be made worse by transitioning.
I think many teens now are feeling shoe horned into very narrow definitions of gender and this needs to change.
As to what I think of your trans child - I think they deserve love and reassurance and dignity and respect. I think they should receive support from a psychologist- NOT from a gender service - to explore any emotional or identity or trauma issues so they can access the right support. It’s possible that transitioning is the right move for them but in my opinion gender services focus only on that issue and quick fix by hormone prescribing and this may actually not be the appropriate therapy. I wish them luck on their journey and hope they gain some peace with themselves

Yes @runningonberocca this is exactly what I was going to say!

SmileyClare · 11/06/2024 08:39

Her peer group in RL and on SM will be not only accepting but full of admiration.

Not only is it positively trendy to “identify” yourself as something different, it also means she will feel part of a community online.

In my son’s sixth form college, most of the girls identify as trans/ gay/ bi sexual/ Demi sexual/ a sexual or some variation and there seems to be a peer pressure to announce it publicly.

Any criticism is met with indignation and accusations of prejudice.

Any teen who hasn’t had a brave journey coming out as (something) seems to be the minority these days amongst that age group.

It’s the modern alternative to being a punk or goth- teenagers who haven’t quite worked out who they are desperately trying to fit in and find a “tribe”.

RedToothBrush · 11/06/2024 08:39

ANAMEF0RATHREAD · 11/06/2024 08:33

If Im honest I'd think you as parents haven't done your job properly buying into the 'be kind' rhetoric and the fashion of the times, if this started when she was living with you.

Thanks for the honesty, I suppose this is one of the things I was wondering whether people think, that's it's the parents fault. I'm sad about that but I did think that was probably the case

I agree.

I think this of my own parents too. I have a brother who identifies as trans. Its unhealthy parenting which greatly damaged me as well as my brother.

It's affected our relationship for a reason. It's not 'being kind'.

OrlandointheWilderness · 11/06/2024 08:41

Variolia · 10/06/2024 18:12

I’d think you can’t change your biological sex.

Bur that you should be free to live in your chosen gender without people harassing you for it.

Completely this. I believe in science, but I also believe in being kind and decent.

Panicmode1 · 11/06/2024 08:49

RedToothBrush · 11/06/2024 08:01

If some is female and describes themselves as a gay male isn't that hugely disrespectful and actively abusive to gay men?

It's homophobic not to recognise that gay attraction is about sex.

Why should I respect this?

Genuine question.

Show quote history

I happen to agree with you - but I don't say that to her face, and respect the fact that is how she currently feels/identifies.

She's changed her name to a 'non gendered' name which if I see her, I use, but I don't believe she is a gay male...as I said, I see her as female. She is also engaged to a (real 😉 ) lesbian. Personally, I think that she is a confused autistic young person and I hope that she will figure out she's a gay female in time.

Original poster
ANAMEF0RATHREAD · 11/06/2024 08:54

I think this of my own parents too. I have a brother who identifies as trans. Its unhealthy parenting which greatly damaged me as well as my brother.

Wow ok. I honestly feel like I've done my best and they are loved and cared for

OP posts:
Hatfullofwillow · 11/06/2024 08:54

Screamingabdabz · 10/06/2024 19:30

‘Gender bending’, as it was called and fully accepted in the 80s, is no big deal to anybody. Delusional thinking about changing sex and expecting others to collude in it, is not ok.

Op, you are right to be concerned. In your shoes I would be encouraging her with experimenting in a non-feminine appearance and good role models, but I would be absolutely getting her to accept that she is a girl, and one that doesn’t let her sexed body get in the way of her potential to have an amazing life and adventures.

Edited

Er, it really wasn't "fully accepted", I certainly remember boys getting attacked for looking different, even wearing eyeliner could get you beaten up.

Maddy70 · 11/06/2024 08:54

I dont think the vast majority care these days. Particularly her/his generation.

I have some trans friends they have a wide circle of friends. Try not to worry

Meadowfinch · 11/06/2024 08:55

I'd encourage your child to live in a way that makes her happy - her clothes, her hair, her hobbies, her friends.

But why does she need the 'Trans' label? Why make a big thing of it? I'd be totally neutral on that. Your dd is vulnerable and needs to know she is loved and respected regardless of any label.

Most people will happily accept your child as she presents herself. It's the aggressive pushing of the ideology that some find difficult.

Original poster
ANAMEF0RATHREAD · 11/06/2024 08:57

ANAMEF0RATHREAD · 11/06/2024 08:54

I think this of my own parents too. I have a brother who identifies as trans. Its unhealthy parenting which greatly damaged me as well as my brother.

Wow ok. I honestly feel like I've done my best and they are loved and cared for

And yes they say they are trans, they are also very intelligent, funny, kind and thoughtful. So you may say I'm a bad parent but at least my child isn't an arsehole, that would be worse for me

OP posts:
molotovcupcakes · 11/06/2024 08:57

I think if your child is a student then that will be fine, my son had a 'they them' student living with them in a shared house.
When they move on to work I would think it would depend on the field, if it is media, arts, social work etc then it might be an advantage, if it is a less Left wing 'middle class' field then there might be some push back.
I would be more concerned that if they take testosterone it would have long term health consequences, early menoupause, mood swings, higher risk of developing diabetes, metabolic disease, and cancer.

bozzabollix · 11/06/2024 08:59

I think Mumsnet isn’t typical of mainstream thought on this issue. Most people in real life don’t think about it or don’t have strong opinions. I know at my son’s school it’s just accepted, with a little bit of exasperation about people changing their minds. They’re far more tolerant.

The Mumsnet view really puts me off this place, I think it should be live and let live, with gender neutral changing rooms wherever possible because I do understand the concern there.

Echobelly · 11/06/2024 09:03

My nephew is 18, has identified as a boy for about 3 years now and honestly, it's been great for him. He doesn't 'express' himself physically as especially male and seems to have no interest in medical transition, but he's been more confident and happier since coming out and has re-engaged with education, which he was drifting away from. He has an autism diagnosis as of about a year ago - and I don't think this discounts him being trans and I have a feeling that for many trans youth on the spectrum, being able to express their gender identity helps them move through the world in a way that is more manageable for them.

He doesn't hang out in a trans crowd especially or particularly make being trans a big part of his identity, and he certainly isn't trans because it's 'cool', it just works for him.

changeison · 11/06/2024 09:04

bozzabollix · 11/06/2024 08:59

I think Mumsnet isn’t typical of mainstream thought on this issue. Most people in real life don’t think about it or don’t have strong opinions. I know at my son’s school it’s just accepted, with a little bit of exasperation about people changing their minds. They’re far more tolerant.

The Mumsnet view really puts me off this place, I think it should be live and let live, with gender neutral changing rooms wherever possible because I do understand the concern there.

MN is an anonymous forum where people can say what they actually truly believe.
In the real world, where you can be doxxed or shot down as a hateful bigot for saying something as controversial as "you can't change sex" most people remain quiet whilst likely thinking what most MNers think.

Chickenuggetsticks · 11/06/2024 09:05

I honestly wouldn’t notice her, if she told me she was a man I’d feel sorry for her tbh. But certainly not hate.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/06/2024 09:05

I wouldn't think anything negative about them. I'd be concerned about issues they faced, worried about the impact of autism, and bloody glad I'm not a girl growing up today when everything about you is commodified and sexualised.

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