What age to insist reluctant child learns to swim?

[Upminster12]

DD has just turned 5, end of Reception. She hates going in swimming pools. I took her as a baby but then COVID happened and by the time we could go back she was 2 and she had such a strong aversion it was basically a phobia. I spent a long time sitting her on the edge of a pool, dangling her legs in then working up to her going in the pool with me carrying her all the time. Gradually things have improved and she will go in but she always wants me close, holding her hand etc.

I want her to learn to swim, it doesn't have to be right now but I'm wondering if there is any point leaving it much longer or whether I should "force" her to take lessons. She REALLY doesn't want to and I can forsee tantrums. But I don't know what else I can do myself, I'm an average swimmer not confident to teach her. I was quoted £60 per hour for individual lessons which is out of the question for me. There are leisure centre classes available locally but I'm worried it will be a disaster. What's the way forward here?

Also meant to add...she would be in a ducking class. I would avoid stage 1 at the moment. Small class or 122.
Please don't "insist ' on anything. That'll set you back unfortunately.

And again...sorry 121 classes. Apologies for my fat fingers .

This. Having a friend she wants to get in the pool to play with might help. Also ensure the water isn’t too cold — my DD1 loves swimming, but has become a bit more reluctant since we’ve moved pools as it’s a colder one than the baby pool she was used to.

One of my children liked swimming, the other didn't and has never learned. It's no disadvantage, she just doesn't go in pools on holidays.

I agree that MN seems fixated on swimming as a life skill, but it really isn't. A warm swimming pool has nothing in common with a fast flowing river or a freezing sea.

Lots of teenagers who could swim, have drowned in rivers.

Take her once a week, no pressure, just to have fun, but make sure you're both getting your faces and hair wet, she'll only be as confident as she sees you being.

My youngest daughter wouldn’t let go of my swimming costume top for years. She started getting invited to swimming pool parties around 7-8 and even though she couldn’t swim she was adamant she was going. I watched from the viewing point. She’s told her friends she couldn’t swim and every time she fell of the inflatable obstacle course one of them was there to help her out. That was our turning point, then school lessons for maybe 6 weeks. She’s almost 19 now and can hold her own. Never going to be a swimmer but can enjoy a pool holiday. I’d say don’t push her, 5 is still young and is/was the age lessons started at here. Any younger and they wouldn’t take them

we were similar - shielding due to covid meant swimming wasn’t an option till she was 4-5 ish. Took her…and she absolutely hated it. Wouldn’t get in. Kept trying, and it didn’t get better.

i was quite stressed so we did a trial at a private school that used a SEN school pool. Forked out for 2-1 lessons, and the pool was roasting and not too many other kids - she got in and loved it. Still can’t really swim, but she loves going which is all I care about for now.

If she really doesn't like it, I would just do some fun sessions every month on a weekend. Can take her to buy a swim noddle, float and swim toys like diving sticks/ball. Just have some some for now until she enjoys being in a swimming pool.

My little one hated going swimming, he never went when small due to Covid and wouldn’t let go of me at all if I took him.
I took him to lessons where I went in with him. After 2 lessons he swam across the pool on his own (with armbands). I couldn’t believe how much difference the lessons had. I think because he saw the other children doing it.

I was the same as a child, hated being in the water, be it the pool or bath or shower, to the point my mum took me to the hairdressers to get my hair washed in the backwards basins when she couldn’t face my screaming any more. I hate the feeling of the water in my face.

I eventually taught myself to swim as an adult but it’s not something I’d ever go out of my way to do.

Could you get her some really good goggles and a nose clip and see if that helps?

It’s very unusual.. because it is mandatory part of the curriculum from a certain age!
our school does a term each for 2-3 year groups at a time, so reception year 1 are on this term… this age isn’t mandatory at school but it is from KS2..

Ducklings classes still take them at 4 years. Try and enroll her with your local (council run) pool. Instructor in the pool with the kids, no more than 6 in a session and it’s half hour a week.

My little boy was the same. We took him loads pre-Covid, he loved it. He turned 1 just before lock down and then the pools just took forever to reopen and he’d forgotten he liked it and was frightened to get back in. Couldn’t get him in to lessons until he started school in September. He’s absolutely thrived in small group lessons and is now stage 2 within 20 weeks.

Probably worth mentioning that he’s much more compliant and happy to try things with the instructor then he was with me or my husband.

I was forced into lessons at hated it, even now I’m not a keen swimmer. My 6 yr old loves it and has been swimming for 2 yrs now. Unless you are planning to go abroad a lot and be near pools then I wouldn’t push it, if she gets invited to a pool party at her age it’s usually adults in the pool with them and if it’s one with the inflatables then you just have to explain to her that as she doesn’t want to go to lessons then unfortunately she won’t be able to go. She may change mind as gets older

Iv got a 4 year old also end of reception. She started lessons a year ago. For the first 6-8 months we did a class where I was in the water with her. She’s been reluctant to swim, still won’t jump in and doesn’t like her face in the water. She won’t be taking the swim rings off any time soon but she has progressed to the next class up so I no longer have to get in with her. It’s a small swim class, only 5 in her class. It has hugely helped her confidence.

her 7 year old brother started at the same time and is leaps and bounds ahead of her. I accept it’s her personality but she’s going to continue the lessons

I'm going to share my experience with my DD, almost 8, and overcoming her fear.

We did lessons from 6 months old, and she loved them until she was 3 when she got moved up a group too quickly. The fear then set in, and we had lessons where she would only tolerate sitting on the steps and spent most of the time crying and clinging onto me. Then lockdown hit, and when we went back, she was like a different kid....until she moved up again.

We made slow progress, off and on, until she was about 6. Then she went to a friend's pool party. She was in the shallow end, supervised, and having loads of fund. One of her friends pushed her into the deeper end not realising that she couldn't swim independently. She panicked until I got her (literally within seconds). That set her back SO much. So my first advice is to avoid anything like that until she is a confident swimmer.

After that, she was back to being absolutely terrified and crying through lessons. But then she started to get upset on the way to lessons, on the morning of the lessons and even the night before. I felt that forcing her at this point was doing more harm than good, so we decided to stop the lessons altogether and take a long break, with me taking her to the pool for fun only in-between.

This was absolutely the best decision for her, and I don't regret it at all. She definitely needed a break from it. Before we started up formal lessons again, her school class did a term of weekly lessons. This was Sep/Oct last year. I was really nervous about this, and so was she. BUT, she thrived! Doing the classes with her friends was a different kettle of fish altogether. AND she was taller than the pool depth. Both things were a big, big help in getting her to overcome her fear and start progressing again.

We started lessons again, this time with the local leisure centre as this is where she had lessons with the school. We wanted to capitalise on the good experience she had there. She was still nervous for that first lesson, but again she was taller than the pool depth, so she settled in quickly. There were a few wobbles, but the instructor was great. He managed to walk that fine line between comforting, encouraging and making it fun for her.

Each week her confidence has grown, and she soon moved up to stage 2. This meant a move to the bigger pool. She can still touch the bottom comfortably in the shallow end, and then don't go into the deep end at this stage (at least, not at this pool). It also meant a new teacher. We had wobbles again, but again the teacher has been very good and let her go at her own pace. The last 4 weeks or so, something seems to have 'clicked' and she is suddenly LOVING her lessons. She is doing everything confidently and actually looks forward to her lessons! I NEVER thought we would get here, but we did. And I'm confident your daughter can too.

I would recommend checking out the local leisure centres facilities for lessons, are they done in a shallow pool? Can you get her into a lesson group with a friend? Can you speak to the instructors beforehand? Can you arrange to go swimming with some other friends and their kids to get her enjoying the water?

But above all, try not to stress about it. They all get there in their own time. Just continue being that super supportive mum you are, and provide lots of encouragement.

Sensory things like:
Water on the face
Wet hair
Water in eyes
Being cold
Swim suit feeling stuck on
People being too close

These put even adults off swimming. It may be cheaper to hire a hydro pool (our local one is £15 an hour) it's hired just to you then and it's a lot warmer!

Take her to a local swimming club for lessons. The instructors are more than well versed in helping children develop confidence in water. I used to support swim classes years back and the first term was about convincing the children they’d be safe getting in the water through play and support. Once they were happy, then they can learn to swim. It’s not easy, there’s tears but they all overcame their fears. Then it’s just a case of some children are better than others which is totally normal. But it isn’t a race and doesn't matter. The most important thing is she gets to a level where she’s water confident, can swim to safety & knows how to tread water. I think it’s much easier to learn when they’re small.

I used to like swimming until I had a bad experience in yr6 lessons and was then terrified of it. Genuinely terrified and dreaded it each week. School/group lessons were a disaster and my mum got me and my brother lessons with a lovely lady in a quiet pool. For me, there was no 'swimming for fun', no matter how many times we went, but once i was told "I know you hate it, I understand, but it's really important that you learn how to swim, and once you know how you don't have to keep going every week if you don't want to" it was a game changer. I didn't have to pretend to enjoy it, but was more motivated! Now I was older so I could understand this negotiation more, but trust me, for a child who hates it, I would say don't force the 'fun' because it just isn't, it only reinforces the hatred! 1:1 lessons were a game changer but an hour is way too long, especially for a 5 year old, could you look around and see if anywhere does half hour lessons?

It's up to you if you persist now or take a break, but in my opinion, having been in her shoes, validate her feelings that it's ok not to enjoy it! Everyone else seemed to enjoy it so I felt like I had to pretend but it only made it worse!

This is of course only my experience! But I'll be honest I still don't like swimming and don't go as an adult! I'll lounge in a spa pool or on holiday, but actual swimming?! Nope! It might just not ever be her thing, but as long as she's able to be safe, it doesn't have to be her favourite thing, as she won't need to do it if she doesn't want to!

My son was the same, so reluctant to get in the water. Tantrums even in the bath. I waited until he had been in school a few months as they get used to just getting on with things in a group setting and taking instruction from a teacher/another adult. I just took him anyway.

you said she would dangle her legs in. Are you using a kids pool or a normal one?

The pool I picked was shallow and had a training pool. I found normal size pools were a no go as they were just so frightening and overwhelming for him. He would cling to me for dear life even though he could stand up.

Stage 1 had use of the wide steps and the instructor just worked on confidence in water that was knee high for the first few lessons. and to my surprise he got on with it. At the end he said he loved the lesson.

We started last June and he has just started stage 2. we even did water flumes on our last holiday.

Good luck!

Coming from the other end of the spectrum, no one in DH’s family can swim. He was self taught as an adult when he started going abroad (no one else in his family holidays). He is a very weak swimmer and I’ve had to help him out a couple of times when we’ve been on holiday jumping off boats.

For that reason, DD5 has been in a preschool class since she was 3, and is now in stage 1. She doesn’t enjoy it, but DH repeatedly tells her how important it is to learn to swim so she can join in with her friends, enjoy holidays etc. She’s slowly getting there.

DD2.10 will be starting lessons in the summer when she turns 3.

In your shoes I’d be all for taking it slowly, but would also be keeping trying on and off because not being able to swim can be inconvenient, let alone all the life skill arguments.

I used to take my little girl (6 now) she just turned 2 in lockdown then when it ended she was absolutely terrified of water and pools. I sighed her up for group lessons (£35pcm) a month before she turned 4. She was actually a lot better than I thought and made new friends so you’ll be surprised. A few times we had tears but the teachers entice them in the pool and really do help them! She was in stage 1 for around a year and a half, stage 2 for just over 6 months and she has been in stage 3 less than 2 months and I’ve just been told she’s moving up a stage which is amazing and such a good swimmer! So just go for it. Swimming is a life skill stick with it she’ll get there!

This! I’ve been taking my 5 year old swimming and teaching him myself since he was tiny. I was struggling to get him to get rid of the arm bands. One swim session with his friend and they were off. We’ve not looked back since!
the same for swimming lessons : if she has friends who also do lessons, could they go at the same time ? I know they do free lessons at school when they’re older, but in my experience, most kids can swim before they go. I wouldn’t leave it that late , as she’ll be well behind her peers.

also, from a safety perspective- we live on an island and there’s plenty of water around. Learning to swim is an important life skill.

Our school ( a very standard primary school in a seaside town) takes them to swimming lessons in year 3. There is usually quite a large group of non swimmers and those that are nervous, but they all go in the water. By the end of the 10 weeks the majority can, at the very least, ‘swim’ with floats and quite often go on to do more lessons . The rest have usually improved and moved on to swimming in the bigger pool. The instructors are brilliant.

My boy was terrified and still is nervous at times but we persisted and now aged 6 has started swimming independently. He loves the pool now. My DS is diagnosed as having ASD so part of his fear was about lack of control.
We went with rewards such as iPad time to encourage him to try and lots of reassurance that he was safe. We are lucky that we have an excellent swimming instructor who never pushed him to far. All the other parents at his lessons are wonderful at cheering him on to which is so great for his self esteem.
I would start now, the longer you leave it the worse I think it will get.
I grew up in the water so I wanted him to have the life skill for safety reasons

And to those who say ‘I didn’t learn to swim and I don’t care’

for every person who feels this way, there are those who don’t.
I remember having a boyfriend in my 20s who couldn’t swim. His mum didn’t think it was important and he was reluctant as a kid. He tried (and failed) as an adult to learn, but it all felt unnatural to him as he’d waited too late. Whenever we went on holidays, beach days , on a boat , when one of our mates suggested kayaking at a weekend, etc he was always left out.

It’s fine if you don’t anticipate your kid ever wanting to enjoy lots of those outdoor activities that involve water, but it’s a bit of a risk to think that they’ll never want or need to swim.

and to those who are saying ‘most people who drown are swimmers’ I’d like to see a source https://www.nationalwatersafety.org.uk/campaigns/drowningprevention-day
this is a reliable one that says the leading cause of death among children is drowning. 40 percent of those who drown had no intention to enter the water.