What age to insist reluctant child learns to swim?

[Upminster12]

DD has just turned 5, end of Reception. She hates going in swimming pools. I took her as a baby but then COVID happened and by the time we could go back she was 2 and she had such a strong aversion it was basically a phobia. I spent a long time sitting her on the edge of a pool, dangling her legs in then working up to her going in the pool with me carrying her all the time. Gradually things have improved and she will go in but she always wants me close, holding her hand etc.

I want her to learn to swim, it doesn't have to be right now but I'm wondering if there is any point leaving it much longer or whether I should "force" her to take lessons. She REALLY doesn't want to and I can forsee tantrums. But I don't know what else I can do myself, I'm an average swimmer not confident to teach her. I was quoted £60 per hour for individual lessons which is out of the question for me. There are leisure centre classes available locally but I'm worried it will be a disaster. What's the way forward here?

My DD was really scared too. We tried a class at the local leisure centre for a few weeks with no success. She just sobbed abd clung to the side. Then we had a few one to one lessons that seemed to make things worse, if anything. She'd be crying about having to go 2 days before a lesson.

The lifeguard at the pool suggested that having other children with them does tends to take the pressure and to try one of the franchises that has much small groups and with the teacher in the water with them (The one near us is Puddleducks, but I think there are a few different companies)

This has worked our much better for DD. She can swim 25m now ( has taken 18 months from starting). It is 8 in the class with 2 teachers in the water, so a 1 to 4 ratio, and has had the same teachers and group of kids all that time, they move up levels together. We pay 80 a month, for a 30 min weekly lesson.

Leave it for a while. There's no rush, Mn has a bee in its bonnet about swimming as a 'life skill', but frankly, a non-swimming child who has a phobia of water is extremely unlikely to find themselves in a situation where swimming saves their life. The two groups who are most likely to drown are under 5s, who mostly drown in the bath, and 15 to 17 year olds who drown while playing in inland pools, rivers etc, and over half of those in this latter age group were able to swim. Over-confidence is probably more dangerous than a phobia which would mean the child in question was less likely to go into any form of water.

https://www.ncmd.info/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Drowning.png

She'll figure it out in time.

You'll need to force her now, or you make the decision to never force her. It'll be harder as she gets older. Don't leave it up to school. One of my DCs is in Year 4, and one child was very scared. He had a panic attack in the first lessons with school and refused to go to anymore. It's very unusual in some areas to get to Year 4 without being able to swim at all.

Save your money for now.
Ds was like your DD. At 9, I decided he had to learn and booked a week crash course. He was not impressed and I thought I would have a week of him sitting on side and refusing to go in.
No.
He was swimming by day 3 and at the end of the week begged for another week.
Then he loved swimming.

Try to work out why she hates it.

Is it the temperature?
Too cold?

Doesn't like putting her face in?
Etc etc.

Try getting a paddling pool in the garden for water play when we actually get a summer. The more time she spends around water the better.

I think you would be better focusing on developing water confidence and overcoming her aversion to water, rather than trying to get her swimming. Some swim schools are good at this as part of the swimming course, but if you can take her to a pool with the aim of playing around and getting her feeling better about being in the water - with the aim of getting her comfortable with putting her face in or even fully submersing her head - then she will have a much easier time of it when she comes to do lessons. If you can enlist the help of another child who is water confident, that might help if they can encourage her and play games together in the water.

As a child I had a terrible fear of deep water and frequently had nightmares that I was falling into water and drowning, I never learned to swim or overcome that fear as a child. I finally learned to swim aged 27 with the help of the council-run adult swimming courses and my swims-like-a-fish boyfriend and the nightmares just stopped. I'm still not entirely over my fear, it resurfaces occasionally (sea swimming from a boat and after watching Titanic come to mind) but for the most part in pools I'm OK and get such a lot from swimming.

Your DC's school should be offering swimming as part of National Curriculum, unless it's one of those that don't follow the NC.

My son is the same age and was exactly the same!
What I did was take him weekly with his older brother and some toys just to play, chase the toys etc.
He wouldn't let go of me for the longest time.
I put armbands on him as well as a swim vest which gave him the confidence to finally let go of me.
We kept this up until he would swim a little way with the armbands etc on or a woggle.
Then we put him into swimming lessons. He is doing great now and has started swimming with no armbands or anything on.
Was a long process but we got there in the end.

School swimming lessons differ a lot on what they teach however. It depends on the swimming levels of most of the other in the class. DC class are mostly very confident swimmers. They don't have any instructors in the water even for the non confident/non swimmer group. It'll be very hard for a child who can't get into the water to join in. And at Year 4, they are self conscience enough to prefer opting out, then making a scene in front of their class. (See my earlier post on one child needing to be taken out from their first lesson).

DC said they barely swim 2-3 lengths in their school lessons. They spent most of the time queueing on the side of the pool. The only thing she talked was being pushed into the water backwards by the instructors!

I think keep on doing what you're doing op. Has she got armbands? I played lots of games with my kids including pulling them along holding on to a pool noodle or they'd put their arms round my shoulders and I'd pull them along, or I'd whoosh them up out of the water then catch them before they went under. There's no point paying for swimming lessons which are frankly a bit dull and really won't help to enthuse her. I'd start putting the money you would spend on lessons into a savings account then in a couple of years you have the option of paying for some private lessons or group lessons if she's more keen.

I wouldn't wait any longer. I would take her swimming a lot yourself to get her used to the water and then start lessons asap. As you know it's a life skill that shouldn't be avoided for safety reasons. When my DD doesn't want to go to her lessons I take her anyway. She sometimes doesn't go in for long. I am always kind and sympathetic but very clear that she has to learn to swim for her own safety. I think it's a bit negligent not to teach them as early as possible since the consequences of not knowing how to swim can be catastrophic.

Is she able to articulate why she hates it? Does she dislike getting her face wet, for instance, or think she is going to sink, or something else?

I wouldn't take her out of her depth at all for now, even with you holding her. If she fears what would happen if you were to let go of her then there's no point. Keep her in the really shallow paddling end and let her just play in the water.

Do you think it's a sensory aversion?

Are you sure? Is it an independent school?

@OhTediosity I think it's more likely a state school that doesn't swim. Ours is talking about dropping it because parents won't pay the voluntary contribution and the school can't afford the coach.

My son absolutely hated swimming so I feel your pain. I would work on the aversion to water and not worry about swimming right now. What doesn't she like - is being in the water, being out of her depth, the temperature, getting her face wet? Is she happy to have a bath/shower at home? What worked for us was finding a warm pool with a very shallow 'beach' section where he could stand up and taking toys / floats to play with. We then progressed to group lessons in the same pool - being able to touch the bottom was a key thing overcoming his fear. He is now a better swimmer than me so it can be done. Try not to pressure her as that will only make it worse, but I think you need to carry on with being in and around the water at her own pace.

Come on, if I can't stretch to swimming lessons I'm not paying for her to be in an independent school!! I don't think it's that unusual these days with school budgets?

She's very fearful of being out of her depth and taking her feet off the ground so I think she is literally fearful of drowning. But then again she doesn't like showers either, but will happily have a bath.

Alright, don't bite my head off. I only asked if it was an indie as they don't have to deliver the NC. I work in the sector. About a third of primary schools offer no swimming at all so it may not be entirely unusual but it's not the norm. Swimming is the only named statutory sport on the primary national curriculum.

@Upminster12 to be honest, if it were me, I'd just not push it. There is something bothering her a lot about swimming pools, and if you have been to the pool a lot and she's not improving, it's not a battle worth fighting. She may come around as an adult. Then, if she takes up lessons, it'll be something she wants to do, not something her parents made her do.

Any friends of the same age who are beginners? We pay £32 per lesson for DS and a nursery classmate to do 2:1 in a private pool. Individually neither liked swimming but together it just works as it appears to be the right balance of individual attention and peer pressure. But yes at 5 I would force it. It’s a basic life skill that’s dangerous not know and she won’t thank you if the school take them in Y3/4 and she’s the only one of her friends that can’t, or she gets an invite to swimming party at 9/10 and can’t go because she can’t swim at the required level.

Have a look at waiting lists for swimming lessons. Round here they're really long so you'd be better getting her on the list and just going as a family once a month until she reaches the top of the list. She may have conquered her fear somewhat in the meantime.

Deeper baths at home and using goggles to look underwater in the bath will help too

Try and work out when her friends lessons are and have them coincide. My DC will play up a lot more with me but in a group with a friend and a teacher, they’re a lot more cooperative. Progress has been glacially slow but we’re getting there, especially when they can’t see me during their lesson.

The poster wasn’t saying send her to an independent school but asked you is it an independent school?

About 75% of the children we take in year 4 can't swim, and we aren't in an area where you'd expect many parents to be unable to afford lessons.

Absolutely this - when I was young many decades ago learning to swim was very much a 'do it if you want to' but it was not on the curriculum - so most of us rural children never did pursue the 'must learn to swim' as a life skill that seems to affect everybody now.
Those that were keen to swim and good at it - learned as they were older not in primary school.

Adults if they want to can learn to swim at any age - it is not the be all and end all for life.

It could also be said that not being able to swim means you have far more respect for water outside the safety of the swimming pool.

Given the opportunity most people learn to swim a bit - why the pressure to do it at school at a very young age. .