What age to insist reluctant child learns to swim?

[Upminster12]

DD has just turned 5, end of Reception. She hates going in swimming pools. I took her as a baby but then COVID happened and by the time we could go back she was 2 and she had such a strong aversion it was basically a phobia. I spent a long time sitting her on the edge of a pool, dangling her legs in then working up to her going in the pool with me carrying her all the time. Gradually things have improved and she will go in but she always wants me close, holding her hand etc.

I want her to learn to swim, it doesn't have to be right now but I'm wondering if there is any point leaving it much longer or whether I should "force" her to take lessons. She REALLY doesn't want to and I can forsee tantrums. But I don't know what else I can do myself, I'm an average swimmer not confident to teach her. I was quoted £60 per hour for individual lessons which is out of the question for me. There are leisure centre classes available locally but I'm worried it will be a disaster. What's the way forward here?

I had a reluctant 5 year old swimmer. They were in stage 1 for nearly a year as they wouldn't get in the pool for about a month, then wouldn't put their head under, literally refused to get in some weeks but I persevered as swimming was non negotiable for me.

They are now in stage 4 and very confident in the water. It was perseverance and me saying that once they could swim in the deep end confidently they could stop. They don't want to stop now as they are quite good.

Apparently age 6 is very common for getting over water phobia. Oldest DC was utterly hydrophobic in pools from age 3-6 and when I asked online a lot of people told me that if they're like that, there is just nothing you can do and they normally seem to get over it age six.

In the past age 6 they managed to be OK with being in a pool with floatation aids, then on a visit to family abroad they started being happy to swim without them when great uncle taught them at about 6 and a half and the last thing they mastered was jumping in the pool. But honestly, before then you couldn't imagine how they were ever going to swim, but the fear just disappated after they were 6.

She'll miss out on so much if she doesn't learn soon. I'd bribe her with something lije nationals after her lesson, anything to get her in the pool.

Our school (Scotland) only did lessons in the later primary years, might have been P5 or P6 and only for 6 weeks.

We didn't take ds to swimming lessons until he was 7-8ish, right up to that point it was screaming match to get him to put his head near water, even in the bath!

First group lesson he happily put his face straight in the water as everyone else was doing it. He flew through the badges from start to finish in less than a year (1-1 and group lessons) and at the end was swimming 20 length in PJs for a warm up in rookie lifeguard.

When school did lessons a significant number in the class couldn't do a length and/or if they did it was a doggie paddle. By the end of the 6 weeks they still couldn't.

Personally, I would start saving for 1-1 lessons and send her in a couple of years and then blast them.

The two groups who are most likely to drown are under 5s, who mostly drown in the bath, and 15 to 17 year olds who drown while playing in inland pools, rivers etc, and over half of those in this latter age group were able to swim.

Yes, being able to swim won't save you if you get into difficulties in cold fast flowing water or get caught in an obstruction under the surface.

And most of those teenagers who drown are boys, so op's dd is already statistically safer. There have already been a few drownings this year, when the weather turned warm.

The best way for a non-swimmer to stay safe is not to mess around in or near rivers, lakes, quarries etc.

The two groups who are most likely to drown are under 5s, who mostly drown in the bath, and 15 to 17 year olds who drown while playing in inland pools, rivers etc, and over half of those in this latter age group were able to swim.

But 2/3 of children can swim by the end of primary school so if only half of those who drown as teens can swim that does suggest that there is some protection there - and also suggests that teens who can't swim are not as likely to avoid water as common sense would suggest.

Don’t rely on school swimming. many schools only offer a term, or little more than a year and that’s in big classes. It takes longer than that to learn to swim competently. Regular lessons are needed.

I would book for a September start or a summer crash course, telling them when boooking that she’s very nervous.

Before then, I’d go at least weekly. Don’t miss weeks.

Pools with a ‘beach’ entry - ie gradual incline that you walk down and where you can play in the shallows are a good start.

I would approach it as being the same as school - it’s one of those things you need to do and isn’t optional. It might be possible to go to a parent and child class where you are in the water too, although really she’s too old for that. Lots her age will be nervous and the teachers will be used to that.

You might face some resistance. But both going swimming regularly and doing the classes weekly needs to be seen as non-negotiable. If you give an indication that it’s optional or you can be persuaded to take weeks off, you’re into a loser straight away.

Lots of parents have reluctant swimmers. It’s really common.

However, even by 8 kids have swimming parties or go swimming with friends and you simply can’t properly participate or fully enjoy holidays with pools if you can’t swim or aren’t at least water confident. Don’t allow it to be avoided, in the same way you wouldn’t let a child not learn to read.

I'd keep taking her for fun rather than lessons. Her water confidence will grow, even if she's can't actually swim. In time, she'll be able to instinctively reach for the side or other support if she's ever in trouble in the water.

DD did waterbabies as a baby, which gave her confidence to get her face wet. We then regularly took her to splash parks or had friends over for paddling pool parties. She joined brownies who very occasionally went paddleboarding or sailing - she'd have not been able to go on these trips if she wasn't able to swim. That gave he the incentive to learn, added to the fact that the holiday club she went to was at a leisure centre which offered pool sessions as part of the day.

In other words, we used various techniques, resources and tactics to gradually build up her confidence and ability.

Does she swim on holiday OP?

This. When DD enjoys the water and happy to put face under then that is a good time to start formal lessons and then she'll pick it up quite quickly.

We enrolled our 5 year old in lessons and she hated it. Was scared and said that her tummy hurt to avoid going. It was awful. We took her out of lessons and then took her ourselves using a learn to swim book that had simple milestones that started with wearing googles in the shower then bath to get used to water on face. Then in a very shallow pool, finding buoyancy by walking on hands with face under, doing a "star float" with face under then gliding across the pool with face under....by that time she was pretty much swimming as she started to use arms and kick when gliding, just as a natural next step. That's when we enrolled her into lessons and she could do her first proper swimming strokes shortly after. She's a great swimmer now and loves it. It took maybe 6-8 weeks of once or twice a week with us from face in shower to gliding with face under before we enrolled her back for lessons. I regret taking her to lessons before she had water confidence.

I think this is a good point. They suddenly get to an age where they are embarrassed that they can’t swim. It would be humiliating when they have lessons in school in year 6 to be one of the only ones in arm bands.

It took a combination of perseverance and bribery. Dd was 7 when I insisted she learned, she was ok going in the pool but clung onto us or used armbands before. She did 16 weeks of lessons (2x 8 week blocks) and got nowhere so on holiday I bribed her that we would stop the lessons if she would swim across the pool, and we would go to breakfast with Mickey on the last day of the holidays - she got it

I know you will probably think I’m a terrible parent, but mine was the same at 4 years old. I just told her that swimming was essential, took her to lessons (class ones) and left them to it. By the third lesson she was fine. I was told not to hang around and watch her, as it would make her more likely to play up.

Some utter guff spoken on this thread. Please do not 'force' your 5 year old daughter to do something that terrifies her and she doesn't enjoy. As PPs have said a 5 year old is unlikely to be in a situation any time soon where swimming will save her life. You can afford to wait a while.

IME children don't necessarily learn by slow immersion or baby steps - they don't seem ready to learn a skill for years and then suddenly they manage it within a few hours or days. My son came very late to riding a bike. He was terrified of the big metal things that tangle your legs and threaten to throw you onto the tarmac headfirst and refused to go near them for years. Then when he was 9 he decided he wanted to do it and was cycling independently within a few hours.

Don't push your daughter at the moment. Leave swimming for a while. Get her confident at other physical things like a sport, dancing, climbing, running etc. Introduce it naturally - there may be a pool when you go on holiday she could try but no dramas if not.

Many children learn to swim later. I learned at 11 and have been a confident swimmer since. Many adults never learn to swim and lead fully rounded lives you'll be shocked to hear.

There was a story in the last few days about a 9 year old drowning on holiday. Last year a little girl at a splash park for a birthday party. It wasn’t even a swimming pool. You can’t afford to be complacent.

Lots of playing in waist height warm pool.
You don't need swimming lessons .My 4 children all learned to swim by getting confident enough to immerse and then swimming under water.

I would wait. My child was similar and I didn’t take them until they were 7. Because they were ready, they actually learnt very quickly and have overtaken their friends that had been swimming for years.

I started with 3 private lessons and then moved to group classes. I did lots of fun swim sessions with floats and play in the water, and did extra help for things like jumping in and climbing out, which they found tricky.

I think if you force too much, you may cause more problems. Try to make it more fun when they go - play catch in the water. Play with the water toys and try to make it as fun as possible.
xx

Water on the head/face/eyes - that's what she's afraid of/hates.

DD1 spent so long tearing chunks out of my arms/chest/face/neck and screeching because she was convinced a single move would result in a drop of water touching her face. Eventually got her to tolerate water at the hairdresser aged 6 because she could see that it couldn't get her with the headrest sink and then she eventually agreed to stand in the baby pool whilst I pegged it off after her 2 year old sister who took every opportunity of my being clawed at to head for the deep end and throw herself in when she got to 7.

She finally tried moving in the water (holding the side, goggles, only ever up to her chest) when I had a gym membership with a 5m pool that was deserted at 8am on Saturdays, which got her as far as putting the back of her head into the water at 9 and sort of doggy paddled by the time she was 11. She spent the 6 primary school swimming sessions sitting on the side ready to collapse if anybody splashed near her.

She hated water from the instant she was born, so getting her that far was an achievement (it's not as if I didn't try consistently from birth) - and no, nobody would take her for lessons, not even private 1-2-1 ones.

I’m an adult who can’t swim. My parents paid for one to one lessons and group lessons, I was taken swimming with school and I spent 3 consecutive summers at the local pools summer holiday club and I still can’t swim. It’s partly can’t and partly I hate absolutely everything about it! Cannot understand why in gods name anyone would spend their time in that gross soup of shitty chemicals and pubes.

Don't force her. She might well come to it in her own time but insisting she carries on might light the flame of hatred like it did with me.

For what it’s worth the not swimming has not impacted my life in a single way.

My younger DS can't swim properly. He also has fear of water on his face and won't put his face in the water, consequently never progressed out of the shallow end. A well meaning teacher forcibly ducked him once or twice which cemented it.

Of course every child should have the chance to learn to swim for safety, but like driving there will be a minority who either learn later when they have the resilience to overcome fear, or never do. Encourage but know when to stop.

Do any of the local pools do fun sessions at the weekend?
My eldest hated lessons and had no confidence so I took her and her best friend to the fun sessions to play, they have things like floats, balls and sometimes an inflatable.
They could have fun together and get used to water splashing them or swim a couple of feet towards each other or the side.
It didn't take long until she agreed to try the lessons again and she was soon swimming.

1:1 lessons with some experienced with this kind of fear. Plus major bribes.

You could shop around , have a look at how they teach beginners. DD was reluctant but I found a place where in the first stage they basically let them play with jugs of water and balls before gently encouraging blowing bubbles. It suited her really well. Also other kids in the pool can really help.

Chukdren don't need to be able to swim. They need to be water confident. So I would take the pressure of swimming lessons off for now. Take her to the pool and let her float around - teach her to starfish. Encourage her to somersault in the water or sit on the bottom. Or even just splash you and herself. Try and expose her to cold water if possible like the sea.

The biggest cause of drowning is panicking and the swallowing water. And not understanding that you will initially struggle to catch you breath in cold water.

For what it's worth my DS1 had a really rough start to swimming, would often refuse to get in the pool and spent about a year in Stage 1 because he just couldn't get the hang of it.

We only sent him to the local leisure centre but found that the swimming teachers were really understanding and very used to reluctant / fearful kids.

On the days he didn't want to swim, he 'helped' the teacher, or sat at the side, sometimes with his feet in the pool, sometimes he would do the "fun" swim at the end but not always. No one ever 'forced' him to do anything or get in the water. Eventually he got used to the environment and started enjoying his lessons.

He's already in stage 4 now and working on proper strokes. It's incredible how far he has come.

If I were you, I'd sign your daughter up for lessons but tell her that she can just watch at first. If she has a friend who's going to lessons that she can join, that sometimes helps too. Reward her for going to the lessons, give her a bigger reward if she gets in the water, so that she feels like she's getting something positive out of it.