If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

From this year I decided not to be the first to text people or make arrangements. It's opened my eyes to who my friends really are. I expect some of my old friends have wondered why I've gone quiet and not arranged to meet up but they don't text to arrange anything so I haven't seen them!

I agree. It’s manipulative and cowardly.

And I also think that culturally, our way of handling friendships is really rubbish. We have accepted ways of dealing with romantic relationship break-ups, codes like ‘I need space’ or ‘This isn’t working for me/us’ that signal that a relationship is in trouble, but if you try using these on friendships when you spot trouble, you’ll come across as intense, weird or even (in a few cases) somewhat inappropriate. Instead, you’re expected to mind-read some things, ignore others and somehow, when you’re not their friend any more, cheerfully suck it up and carry on as if nothing happened at all.

I don’t get it.

I think it’s just the fear of upsetting the person concerned. Sometimes it’s just that you don’t click with the person anymore. Something that’s hard to put into words. In other cases it’s just too hurtful to say what you really think.

I wish we had more honesty and openness about friendships when they are failing. A lot of posters have talked about ghosting or ditching friends for various reasons. Often good reasons. But in many cases, I've wondered if the friend knew the reason, or whether they've just been ghosted and have no idea why.

Ghosting is really cruel. Even if you assume the other person must know what they've done, they often don't. And much of the time, they haven't done anything wrong at all, but you've changed or the situation has changed.

I really wish my friend of 25 years had told me honestly what was going on. Instead she just went weird and then silent, leaving me to guess and ruminate on all the ways I could have been a shit friend or hurt her. It took a while for me to realise that if I had done something and she valued my friendship, she would have given me the chance to talk about it and potentially make amends. And if she valued me as a person or valued our former friendship, she would have at least said, look I don't want to be in touch anymore because of this, and there's nothing you can do to change my mind.

Instead, she left me feeling confused and hurt and questioning myself. I don't think I did do anything wrong, and if I did, it was obviously a stupid mistake that I didn't even notice and could probably be talked about and sorted. So she doesn't want to be friends with me for some reason of her own. Is it really so hard to say, "this friendship isn't what I'm needing in my life anymore," or "I feel like our friendship has run its course"? Yes, I get that's more difficult than simply disappearing without a word, but why should that be acceptable behaviour after a relationship of years or decades?

I wish we could normalise friend break ups. So many people are left hurt and damaged by being ghosted. It's cruel. I wouldn't do it unless they were really a psycho or a narcissist.

Most people don't just withdraw from a friendship over some minor hiccup. It is usually the aggrieved party observing a raft of negative behaviours or actions over time that leads them to question what precisely that friendship brings to the table. In the same way that it is hard to recover a relationship once the 'ick' has set in it is similar to do the same with a friendship once you notice certain things you find unsavoury. Certainly in my experience when I have left unsatisfactory friendships slide the person concerned has either zero self awareness of juat how damaging or hurtful their actions are or they consider you so low on their priority list they barely notice when you remove yourself from their orbit. With the former I imagine sitting them down and spelling out their various character flaws or pointing out previous shitty behaviour is unlikely going to lead to a reconciliation.

So I have done this, recently but it was due to finding out the person was a narcissist and a pathological liar and I had caught her out and unravelled the deciept, but knowing naracssists and how to deal with them I know the best thing to do was cut her off as she would have never accepted responsibility- so I phased her out

Most people don't just withdraw from a friendship over some minor hiccup. It is usually the aggrieved party observing a raft of negative behaviours or actions over time that leads them to question what precisely that friendship brings to the table.

Maybe so. But why would you not, at some point over that time, discuss with your friend some of those flaws or behaviours? In my case, it had only been months earlier that my ex-friend was saying how much she valued my friendship. She never talked to me about anything that might have bothered her - and it's not like I have no self awareness. I was a good friend. Which is not to say I'm perfect or that I might not have fucked up somewhere without realising, but it is to say that I'm not someone who you couldn't talk to about it.

I have other friendships where we've both told each other at various times things the other has done that's upset us or bothered us. From communicating about it, we've worked out how to be better friends to one another.

With the former I imagine sitting them down and spelling out their various character flaws or pointing out previous shitty behaviour is unlikely going to lead to a reconciliation.

Sure. But that doesn't mean you have to ghost them. Ghosting is horribly cruel. You can explain that the friendship has run its course. Don't leave someone wondering if you're okay, worrying that they've done something when they haven't (or have, but can't make amends for it), or trying to carry on being a good friend to you when you've already withdrawn.

In my experience people can say and do hurtful things (probably they don’t realise) and it slowly builds up and I can start avoiding them. It’s not always black and white and quite often it’s the slow changing of a relationship or your perception of your friend that slowly alters how you can feel about them.

Or it could be insecurity / sensitivity / raw nerves that get touched on unwittingly. It could be a million different things. I think we have to work on acceptance really and not trying to work it out.

The friend I had would have twisted all communication and created a new narrative which she would have used to slander me, if I would have challenged her / explained, plus she would have known her behaviour was unacceptable and that she had lied in the first place so she should have figured it out which I am sure she did as she never questioned it

She lied about many things including having a terminal illness

I think we have to work on acceptance really and not trying to work it out.

I agree. But why should we not also work on being better communicators with our friends? We wouldn't accept it's okay to end a decades long romantic relationship with silence and an implicit message that 'if you don't know what's wrong I'm not telling you.' If your boyfriend or partner ghosted you, you'd probably feel traumatised. But when it's a friendship, we just have to suck it up.

I wouldn't ghost someone unless, as I said, they were actually a psycho or narcissist. At least let your friends know you're not friends anymore, even if you don't want to get into the reasons.

Expecting some friendship exit interview is probably asking a bit much. Most friendships end just by drifting apart. Some you have to make a concious effort to extract yourself from because they are mentally detrimental to your health. Ghosting is not very nice but occasionally a clean break is required if the person concerned again simply refuses to accept responsibility for their actions, gas lights you or uses your fragile state as ammunition to further bully you with. Not suggesting you did this, just that some people can and do become toxic and no amount of calm discussion will result in them having some kind of Damascine moment and seeing the error of their ways.

I think you're missing my point. I'm not saying there needs to be an exit interview or that anyone needs to be shown the error of their ways.

I'm simply saying that if you decide to end a friendship, then the minimum you can do is to let the other person know that you're ending the friendship. Don't just suddenly start ignoring someone, let them worry about you and hurt them with silence. I think saying, 'this friendship has run its course' is perfectly doable.

Even a slow fade is okay, so it feels like you've just drifted apart.

Unless you have a good reason to think you're going to be bullied and harassed then I do not see this as being too much to expect from a relationship where you've maybe shared some of the most important and even intimate moments of your life.

I did make the mistake of trying to explain to someone why I was ending our friendship (he was very needy) and it led to him not letting it go. He kept trying to add me as a friend time and time again on Facebook

But people do just drift apart sometimes, right?

The people who can’t just let a friendship drift, and insist everything needs to be worked out and talked through like it’s a divorce are just the sort of person I might eventually feel I had no choice but to ghost - because they will just not fucking let go. Everything becomes a problem that needs to be solved.

Because they have no mental model of a ‘no fault’ friendship fade - people just not having much in common anymore, not being on the same page, not having the same amount of time for the same level of intensity, etc

Hmm. I don't think that's what I'm saying. I think a friendship can drift and fade away without discussion and that's fine.

I don't think that suddenly dropping and ghosting someone is kind or respectful. I agree that it is at times necessary, but I'd argue that often it is not. And it's on us to have the maturity and respect to treat people as we would like to be treated ourselves.

I think this is where modern communication methods can make things really difficult.

Years ago keeping in touch was a real effort. If someone moved away or you didn’t see them much then you had to write or call or actually physically see them and because of that, you only really stayed in touch with someone you had a genuine connection with.

Due to social media and mobile phones with WhatsApp etc. it’s too easy to stay in touch with colleagues or acquaintances who you’d maybe liked at the time but would have naturally drifted away from in the past due to not having a lot in common beyond the situation that had brought you together.

People can contact you easily now and if you don’t respond then it makes you look like the bad guy for not responding or keeping in touch, especially if there’s been a mismatch in expectations and realisations about your ‘friendship’.

I have someone that I don’t feel close to anymore and don’t have a lot in common with so would really like to just do a slow fade. She’s moved further away from me and in the past, that would’ve been sufficient for not keeping in touch. However, we have a mutual friend who keeps adding us into WhatsApp chats to meet up and as she still sees us all as being friends. It then makes it difficult to just let the friendship drift as you keep getting pulled in. She probably feels the same way too but no-one wants to hurt anyone else’s feelings so we keep seeing each other from time to time rather than things just being left to take their natural course!

I have someone that I don’t feel close to anymore and don’t have a lot in common with so would really like to just do a slow fade.

@Daisy38 If that happened to me and it was in the context of meeting with others rather than 1-1 I wouldn't fade the person out. Not because I am a martyr but because they're diluted in a larger group meet. I have three friends from university and one insists on bringing one of her friends out. She can be draining, but I don't block her I only meet her in a larger setting. Not 1-1.

This 100%

I get where you're coming from but it's not always a solution either. In my case I lied and sent a message saying I felt we'd grown apart, both had busy lives etc and that I wished her well but it had run it's course. This didn't satisfy her- it enraged her, and I had a string of abusive messages. So sometimes when you know there is no coming back and/ or reasoning with someone ghosting is the only tool some people have to extricate themselves.

Whatever reason they give, you are unlikely to agree and still more unlikely to change their mind... so while it is horrible, it isn't worth tormenting yourself over it. You just need to accept that they don't want to be friends any more and it really doesn't matter why; if both people aren't in, it's a no go.

It can work the other way round too. I once had a friend send me a long message all about how awful I was and why she no longer wanted to be friends. I'd been feeling the same way so it came as something of a relief. I didn't reply and started getting more messages demanding a response. I didn't see why I should; we weren't friends any more and I didn't have anything to say to her. Eventually I had to block her...

I made a friend at uni circa 20009 that I was very close to who ended up withdrawing and ghosting me. She was in a relationship at the time and things weren’t working out for her so ended up ghosting me when I’d always been there. However on Twitter she’d told some of her people that she was closing that account and opening a new one as she was cutting someone off (that was me) little did she know I could see it. I’d even taken a pic of that tweet. A few years down the line she’d make contact and we’d hit off where we left but she’d disappear again. It’d really hurt me as I felt used but I’d always be the good friend. A few years ago I came across the pic I had taken of her tweet indicating she was cutting someone off and I sent it to her asking if she remembered doing that to me. She lost it with me and has never spoken to me again. For about 2 years I did text her for her birthday but no response from her. I’ve stopped doing it now. Thinking about it she was always the user. I was there for her any minute of the day but she hardly was there when I needed a friend the most. There was time when I didn’t drive she’d asked if I could pick her sister birthday cake and drop it off to her as he brother had a hangover. I trekked from one end of the city to the other just for her.

I must say I do still miss her but I think what she did to me was toxic and the final straw was when I showed her a reminder of what she’d done to me in the past.

That's hard to read, @RadFs. You gave her soooo many chances to use you and drop you again. You might find this good with working out your own boundaries, I found it helpful:

www.calm.com/blog/9-tips-for-setting-healthy-boundaries

It’s been so interesting and insightful reading this thread.
It sounds as if many people have had similar experiences to the OP which I agree with OP that though it can be distressing to the ‘ghosted’ person, are reassuring to read because it makes you feel less victimised and alienated when it happens to you.
Also some great tips from the poster who listed what they now do differently.
Ultimately I think if it’s not meant to be it won’t be and I’m old enough and independent enough to not worry too much about this kind of thing now. (My first experience of being ghosted was by a guy I met on a dating site years ago and while it sent me reeling at the time it was a definitely an eye opener and for me a lesson learned that that sort of behaviour says more about the other person than me, and that that person is not for me).
I’m a first time mum so new to the whole mum friends thing - my experience so far is thar it can be unnecessarily complicated! The one good mum friend I made in a new area has gone quiet on me after a couple of years of chatting and meeting up for coffees at each other’s houses and play dates for our little ones. After our kids left preschool, where we met, they went to different schools in the same (small) town and we vowed to remain friends and used to catch up during school hols. But a year on, we’d agreed to meet in these latest summer hols and a few weeks in I’d heard nothing, so suggested a couple of dates, but both times she cancelled with reasons relating to car trouble etc. I’d been feeling for a while that I was always the first to make contact, so at this point I sympathised and said: ‘if you’re around at some point let me know’. I haven’t heard from her since and it’s confusing for my kid who asks why we haven’t seen them.
This situation made me reflect on another mum friendship I have where I always feel I'm first to text, so I’ve backed off. With that particular friendship it seems to work better if we arrange play dates spontaneously, face to face, so I’ll leave it at that.
I’m not one to chase someone either.

I'v just been reading some stuff about 5 people around you and they must be endlessly positive and up beat to raise your vibration or something (?)
I think its horrible tbh.
To dump and ghost friend after 30 years because of their vibration.