If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

Thank you to every single one of you who has commented on this post. It made me feel less alone, and also reflect on how I might be a better person and friend. I’ve ordered Nancy Kline’s book (thank you @Wallywobbles ). I hope this has been healing for others - many who have had much more difficult experiences than mine. Thank you all 😊

Just after my dad died, my husband’s sister did this to me and wouldn’t say why. We had been really close when our daughters were young and although we became less close as the girls got older, we were still good friends. Seven years on and I still don’t know why. My parents in law said they had no idea why either but I know for sure they do as my sister in law and mother in law are really close. My husband was so angry she would do this at a time when I was already feel low that he stopped talking to her. Eventually my daughter and hers stopped talking too but that’s a whole other story. My son and hers are still in contact.

The truth is that had you messaged her back you would simply have been kicking the can down the road.
She would have either kicked off and made you feel bad so you'd back down, or she'd apologise but inevitably still keep doing it to you. You absolutely did the right thing nipping it in the bud at that point x

That sounds really horrible, so much worse when young children are involved.
I really like 'morally untidy' 😊It's a brilliant and fitting description!

We'd known each other for decades, I needed to say why I was suddenly withdrawing support.

It's not that obvious how to do so for those who aren't tech lit - and I'm definitely tech lit and have struggled...

It's a really good point, ask MN admin perhaps for a simple 'how to' guide?

Thank you, I've been doubting myself a bit😊

That’s really sad!
When my grandad died my then partner dumped me saying I’d been miserable for weeks! (My grandad was dying for a year and I was doing IVF with that partner)..so lots of stress that year!! Anyway he’d said I’d been miserable so that was that!….
some people can’t be sympathetic so they avoid people when they’re going through grief.

I've had it happen three different times. First one cut me off as her boyfriend (who she did end up marrying) asked me out first, and then a different friend after that. I turned him down as I was with someone else, our other friend went on a date with him and decided he wasn't for her. I told her to be careful as he seemed fickle, but as long as she was happy then brilliant. She was fine for a bit then just ghosted us all. When we finally found out why it was that her boyfriend had told her different stories and she therefore thought I'd said be careful to try and split them up, because of jealousy that she had him now.

Another one we were very good friends and then one day she was gone. No responses, never home, disappeared off FB etc. She's come back as an "acquaintance" now but turns out she has a personality disorder and for many years barely knew who she was.

The last one was a friend who when I look back, wasn't actually interested in me. She loved me whenever she needed support (often). She disappeared on me when I was having a rough time, then blocked me on everything and told other mutual friends I'd really hurt her. Which was because I wasn't available to her 24/7 to listen to her complain about how unfair everything in her life was (health, work, weight, other friends), because I was in the middle of a breakdown.

Sometimes it's not you. Sometimes it is, but mostly it's them. Try not to let it hurt you too badly for too long. You still have your life and other friends/family to focus on. Although I will say, these things happening to me have made me keep friends slightly more at arms length. Family first, including me, and then friends if I have the energy left to give. Which sounds cold and a little sad written down but I can't be there for my friends if I am broken.

@Longtime did you ask her? And if not, why not?

I’m curious by the large numbers of people who see unable or unwilling to ask a direct question that would end the speculation, doubts and self examination about why the friend has dumped them. Is it because we’re afraid of hearing the honest answer?

A friend cut me off years ago, I never found out why, and now this thread has reminded me, it still kinda bothers me!

We'd been friends for a couple of years. She was looking for a lodger and talked me into moving in, as my house share wasn't ideal (damp problems that the landlord had no interest in fixing). Her home was lovely, but it was a bit of a commute from my workplace, which is why I was initially reluctant. We set a date, I gave notice on my current place. Then out of the blue she sent me a rambling text message saying she was no longer comfortable with me moving in but not really giving any reasons. We hadn't fallen out, we hadn't even seen each other for a few days (we normally met every 1-2 weeks ish). Then she stopped communication, defriended me on facebook, and was cold whenever we saw each other with mutual friends present.

I never got to the bottom of what was going on, and she seemed to be maintaining friendships with all our mutual friends perfectly normally. However, some time later she cut off another mutual friend in very similar circumstances, which made me feel slightly better about it all.

Did you ask her? And if not, why not?

Ie, perhaps she was told a falsehood about you (as has happened in other friendships). Unless you ask directly, you don't get a chance to counter the false info with the truth.

There's literally a "quote" button under the comment.

At the time of it happening, it can be quite difficult to outright ask someone why they've cut you off.

Unless you can physically get yourself in front of them, how do you do it? These days you can block every contact method, and previously there was landline and going round.

If you go round and they refuse to answer the door, how long can you sit there before it's stalking or harassment?

And at what point do you give up trying to ask? There has to be somewhere you draw the line. For me, if someone has gone to the extremes of blocking every method of contact between us aside from going round, I'm not going to go beg them to talk to me. I have some dignity.

It makes you sound rather obsessed if you keep asking though.

Someone did this to me. But we never talked.

Thank you, but it's not my experience that it's always the correct message that's replied to, so I check, and if it's something really important to me I'll reply anyway.

Experiences vary 😊

Not light hearted, but a Mum I met at the school gates became a good friend for nearly ten years. We regularly socialised with our husbands and children. Then they moved house and everything went cold. I sent texts, emails and posted a card through the letterbox of their new house. Her husband admitted to her he'd developed feelings for me and thought it necessary to cut all contact. If I'm honest I'm not surprised when I found out why and I'd done nothing to encourage him. I hear they're still together which is good.

Yes, I did ask (via text). She wouldn't tell me why, just that she'd thought about it realised she "wasn't comfortable" with me moving in (even though it was her suggestion originally). The only times we met after that were in social situations with mutual friends present, and I didn't feel like pushing it and making things (more) awkward.

It made things a bit tricky for me, as I'd already given notice on my current place, but luckily nobody else had signed for the room and I was able to stay on. On the other hand, another friend a few years later had a similar experience - except after he'd moved in - so it could have been much worse!

If people won't tell me what I've done to upset them so that I can either apologise, make it right, or tell them to get bent, I lose interest. It's one of my least favourite personality types, the whole sniffy "well, if you don't know" thing is so childish

Do you have any clue why? That's so sad, I'm sorry that happened to you

My child is vaccinated, but to dismiss legitimate concerns is arrogant. The mumps vaccine was withdrawn twice for causing menningitis, is that a conspiracy theory?
Children injured by toxic whooping cough vaccines made by Glamorgan Smith Kline are conspiracy theories too?
People are free to have concerns after reading about such events. Most that waffle on dismissively about conspiracy theories are usually ill informed.

Strange timing - I had a friend who more or less ghosted me, along with the whole group I used to be friends with, when I returned to hometown with a baby. It was as if there was no longer a place for me nothing was ever said, I just was excluded. Anyway she got in touch on the weekend. We had a drink and she was saying now that she's moved to a new town, that she hasn't made any friends.

And I was thinking that it must be hard, if you have never been dumped like she and her group dumped me, to have to start from scratch building friendships again, which are different when you are older from that gang you have in your twenties. In a way she almost did me a favour as you do outgrow people and it is good to make friends at new stages of your life. And now I have really lovely friends and I know I can trust them and they won't dump me. So while it was fine to see her, she feels very much like someone from my past.

You're unlikely to get an honest answer. Someone did ask me once why I was backing off from a friendship, and I avoided telling her the reason. The truth was that I had finally twigged that underneath her super-nice facade she was vain and selfish and ruthless, and that being with her involved constantly navigating her subtle negging and thinly disguised put-downs. In other words, I'd clocked her for a classic covert narc, and the last thing you do is confront them, because they'll do a poor-me drama to get everyone else on their side and rallied up against you. I went for the long slow fade instead.

I agree.

I agree. When people have asked me in the past why I’ve cooled off / whether something’s wrong, I lie or deflect, because often the real reason would be very hurtful to hear, and not constructive.

E.g. ‘in my opinion we were acquaintances / colleagues rather than friends. I don’t enjoy your company, so have been trying to tactfully ease away, but the more I pull back the harder you chase me, to the extent that the only way I can assert a boundary is to basically ignore you. Which I had hoped would be less hurtful than telling you that I don’t like you very much - which you can’t do anything about, and which isn’t your fault, but it’s an awful thing to have to hear. And since you’ve pushed and pushed and pushed, I am telling you now. And I bet it feels like shit. And I feel like shit. And we all feel like shit, and it’s all really awkward and painful. Is this the closure you were after?’