If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

@Greenfinch7 im sorry, that’s really hard.

@igomeow completely understandable. I had a friend do the same a long time ago and put distance between us.

This happened to me many years ago . I used to be a night staff nurse and became good friends with a co worker - we went out to lunch , bought each others kids gifts for birthdays etc . I moved wards and we remained friendly and then all of a sudden she went completely cold on me . I left it a couple of weeks and then asked her what had happened and basically another person had said that I’d said something , which I hadn’t . She accepted that I hadn’t said it but things were never quite the same and we simply stopped talking .

I've had two mum friends do this to me.

First one had an affair, her marriage broke down and she knew she was going to move away, so just removed herself. I think maybe she couldn't face judgement/explaining? Was hurtful but I could understand the need for a fresh start.

Second one I still have no idea but again it was during a relationship breakdown (her husband had an affair - I didn't know him but vaguely knew his affair partner). She literally wouldn't speak to me but would chat away to the person standing next to me. It was so hurtful. I was going through a really tough time as well (which she knew about). Our kids were friends and she no longer wanted anything to do with us, which I couldn't explain to my kid. I can only imagine she thought I was on the side of the OW.

Time heals these wounds I suppose. Make new friends and hopefully one day you'll look back on it with a wry smile and a shrug of the shoulders.

@catsnore this is the other part of it. My DD loved this friend and doesn’t understand why we don’t hang out. Makes me really sad.

I have a friend who has been in my life since high school, so 24 years now.

We were never massively close until we both had kids around the same time and we would go on days out, play dates etc. From around 2017-2020 we were particularly close.

During Covid we did all the distance meet ups, sat apart in our gardens, spent loads of time together despite the lockdowns. Then literally overnight she went cold. It coincided with her returning to work after lockdown and I put it down to feeling stressed after so much time off and getting back into work.

But every time I tried to make plans she would avoid committing to anything, everytime I tried to chat on WhatsApp or FaceTime she was short and occasionally snappy. So I've just let things drift.

I have noticed she has done this to various friends over the years we have been back in touch properly. It's like she drops someone when she finds someone else. She did it twice with friends she had when we became close again, and I'm aware of a few more since we have drifted apart.

I'm terribly sad about it, she was a great friend during those years and my kids miss hers, but I'm not begging for friendship from someone who doesn't value me.

@Floralnomad that sort of thing is awful. One that someone would believe you said that and two (in a way) that it gets repeated. I’m sorry.

I had a friend who ghosted me many years ago and I never found out why. There was one small thing that happened that I know she was annoyed about but we were friends after that then she just stopped talking to me.

There are people I've stopped talking to so much or who have been left out of groups and I know what but they have no idea.

Do you do anything controversial op? I've backed off from a friendship. She appears lovely but neither of her kids have had any vaccines and she doesn't brush their teeth with toothpaste 'because fluoride is a chemical'. She also used surrogacy so her youngest is actually a purchase from a poor & desperate Ukrainian woman. I just have huge problems with all of this.

He found out that I don't believe men can become women. Went cold for a year then cut me out of his life because I wouldn't change my opinion.

Honestly I was partying v hard and probably not being a good friend. My perspective was she was being judgey and controlling and also not a very good friend. We basically took a 3 year break from each other and did our thing and now we’re really close again. So sometimes it’s just about giving it a bit of space.

I’ve dropped a long term friend like this. We were childhood friends, bridesmaids at each others weddings, godparents to each others children etc. I didn’t want the drama of a fall out but just couldn’t cope with her endless competitive bragging about her (very normal/average) children. I wouldn’t even talk about my kids, or diminish their achievements if she asked, just to not play the ‘competitive’ game. But she would never stop. It was all about their awards, their race times, scores, course work, grading etc. ad infinitum. She’d never talk about the news or books, films or just gossip - it was always about her children’s achievements.

I started to dread every visit. Then I realised I didn’t have to. I’ve just gradually stopped replying although we still do the Xmas and birthday cards. I’m sure she wonders why I’m always too busy for coffee but there is just no self awareness.

Reasons I have experienced or know of for cooling off a friendship

• someone who brags a lot or is tone deaf
• Someone who only talks about themselves
• someone who is antivax and doesn't give their children vaccines
• someone who doesn't even let you finish a sentence before they jump in with their own experience
• someone who texts too much bit think this is connected to mental health
• Constantly being late or cancelling plans
• insensitivity or complete lack of acknowledgement after a bereavement

That’s really strange, why would her kids not having vaccines make any difference to you? That is her parental choice. As for the fluoride could be seen as odd but again her choice, I assume she has done some research and she doesn’t think it’s a benefit to have it. I don’t see why this would make her a bad friend.

@Okaaaay that’s the thing , once I knew she had believed what the third person had said ( I had proof that it wasn’t me as I had been on holiday when I was supposed to have said it ) the friendship was doomed because I don’t need friends that could think I would do that type of thing .

One friend posted on fb something about her birthday which she was asking about dates over a weekend my dd was going away from home. I mentioned on the post I might not be able to make it because of that but I would definitely take her out for a meal to celebrate if I couldn't make it.

She then decided I had rudely opted out of her party, invited a lot of people to an event nearby, including several friends of mine she barely knows to make sure I knew I wasn't invited, and then told me I was a shit friend for not turning up to apologise with flowers.

I don't know how I was meant to know it was happening when she actually didn't officially invite me, but even when I apologised for the "misunderstanding" she said it wasn't good enough and I should have been over with a gift when I realised the party had happened.... Er no love, I was actually pretty bloody upset you didn't even invite me. At least I apologised. When I tried to smooth it over she text me about 20 ranty text messages in a minute while I was out with dd and when I said I couldn't deal with it right there and then called me a C*nt. That was that for me.

It's why I have a very short patience limit with anyone over 40 having a hissy fit about no one doing what they want for their birthday. The childish insolence can be immense.

Op if someone ghosts you and doesn’t have the decency to talk about things then they were never a friend to start with. Me and one of my close friends had a falling out she was being a bit sensitive but I had rearranged plans with her three times over the year and it pissed her off. Fair enough I apologised but she didn’t want to speak to me. we didn’t speak for a bit then she got in contact after my friend died to say hope I’m ok and then I apologised again and explained I missed her ect and we met up and things are fine again now. True friends can get over things. Sorry that happened op it hurts

I cut ties with friend when I moved about 50miles away. It was a planned move so not out of the blue. It was so stressful with new job and settling kids into new school and younger being diagnosed with ASC. She didn't contact me to see how things were. Despite me reaching out. I got a Facebook message on my birthday a couple of months later and then a group WhatsApp to invite me to her 50th 5 months down the line. I politely declined and went nc.

To be fair I'd struggle to stay friends with a woman who uses a surrogate in the same way I'd struggle to stay friends with a man who uses prostitutes.
We all have our line.

One of my oldest friends (known since primary school, wedding witness, unofficial godmother to my son and so on) stopped replying to messages a few years ago, and when I bumped into her she clearly didn't want to talk to me and couldn't wait to get away.

I have wondered on and off what I had done to offend her, but then just thought maybe there was stuff going on in her life and left it.

I discovered recently that her DH has just been barred from his profession for serious misconduct (tribunal was this year, but it concerned events from several years ago). I think her DH had physical/mental health issues contributing to that, and I suspect he is an alcoholic. So that is probably at least part of her distancing herself from me, and possibly from other friends. Sad. At some stage I may try again, but I think she is rather private person and just does not want to talk about it.

Still don’t know to this day.
But I can’t be fucked so really not bothered or interested now.

The world is still turning & life has continued without the grace of their superior presence… so fuck em.

Same. I'm married to someone from another country and my ex-friend said one or two quite racist things so I just let her go I suppose. She probably just thinks we lost touch, but it was deliberate on my part.

I also have a tendancy to talk over others or make things about me

like @VenusClapTrap (I think) said it comes from my own insecurities, I always felt I had to be funny to be liked.

So if a friend told a story, I would always have a similar, but slightly funnier, example.

Things I now actively do:

1. if I realised I interrupted I apologise & let them speak
2. LISTEN to what they say, take an interest.
3. If a friend mentions something significant, I literally make a note in my diary then I will remember to message them in the future to wish them luck for X,Y,Z or ask how X,Y or Z went
4. limit my stories about myself. E.g. my friend is newly engaged, so I’m letting her have her moment, and not tell too many stories about my engagement/ wedding, unless she asks . Avoid making everything about me.
5. Refer to things friend has said in past conversations to show I’ve been listening
6. On WhatsApp groups be less vocal / dominant (I’m naturally chatty but realise some people interpret this as me making things about me, needing to take centre stage). So I’ve deliberately stepped back a bit.
7. if I’m conscious I’ve been talking a lot in a group scenario I’ll say “enough about me” and turn the conversation to someone who has not had much opportunity to speak

These may come naturally to some people but I’ve had to work on them. I’m now in my 40s and doing much better with friends after a very lonely time in my 30s

Could you not just ask her?

I cut ties when I realised how toxic it all was. It was awful, but she bought out the worst in me and didn't really seem to like me much, just keep me hanging on

I did this to a friend of mine. I have a large group of mum friends who would stand around the sidelines at team sports, go for coffee dates, see each other at school gates when we can etc. This particular friend has always been hard work but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Until she started giving me complete unsolicited advice about my son over and over.. he needs to practice more, he should trying harder etc etc. what is in his lunch box. Asking why I've invited so and so to his party and why haven't I invited someone else. Just hard work in general. Can't be arsed with her anymore so I'm keeping my distance.