If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

My experience with this was actually me cutting ties when I realised how one sided the relationship was. She would only ever get in touch when she wanted something and was quite rude. Never asked me about me. Even used me for a free holiday once. I decided if I wouldn't let myself be treated like that by a guy, why should I let a female 'friend' treat me like that.

Op, it might not be anything you did. Perhaps the reason was ridiculously trivial but once the connection was broken there was no way back.

Just noticing how common bereavement is as a theme. Which is so fucked up. Sorry to all who had this happen on top of their loss or potential loss.

I’ve been the friend that cut ties with no explanation and the reason was my
friend was selfish. We were friends for years since uni and it wasn’t like I hadn’t tried to politely
tell her over the years how I felt but she was always to self involved to listen. If I had a problem
hers was worse. If I was doing something nice she was doing something better. It was so draining then someone I loved got very sick Andy so called friend was too busy bragging about her new business to even ask how they or I were coping.
i just couldn’t do it anymore so just never responded to her message. I’d got to a point in my
life that I wanted friends who genuinely cared about me not just themselves

It’s even worse when it’s a family member. My sister is like that.

This happened to an ex friend A. She’d been really close to this girl B but had been moaning about her to a mutual friend C. C blabbed to B, who said “what! I’m sick of her anyway she’s been really annoying me” and that was that.

it was a big mystery and I don’t believe A ever found out the truth. but I found out when I started shagging C … anyway A really was quite annoying and I also sacked her off eventually.

I’ve behaved this way with people:

I’ve found draining or don’t respect my time, often goes with arrogant self obsessed and lack of self awareness

Express toxic values that I feel uncomfortable being around

Substance misuse where it impacts me and others - and they don’t see it as a problem or want to stop

I had a friend in college. I don't want to get into this, but she needed a lot of help to get through, and I really went out of my way to help her because I thought she was worth it as a person. We lost touch after graduation, but there were times when my class mates met up and I found her very unpleasant. She belittled me in front of everyone else, and rolled her eyes every time I opened my mouth. Another friend took her aside and asked her what the problem was, and she said I had never done anything to upset her but she regarded me as a joke. I wasn't one of the cool people.

A mutual friend believes that I was there for her at a dark time in her life, and she went on to have a great job and needed to cut ties with her past. If that's the real reason I'm happy I was able to help. It doesn't excuse the nastiness, but she has a good life.

It could be something similar here. Sometimes people want to cut ties with people from a difficult period in their life.

Following my post above, I had another friend in college and she was a bit suffocating. Another friend was difficult to be around. He was always hyper, but a lovely person.

Sometimes people can be draining, and it's necessary to keep them at arms length. I have friends that I love dearly, but I need my space, as they do.

It is very hard isn't it.

I rejected a friendship a few years ago because the woman was moving house - and leaving her cat behind to fend for herself. I was disgusted and couldn't continue the friendship.

Last year I thought I was getting close to being friends with someone. I thought I was being helpful with suggestions about things that were worrying her about her sister with alzeimer's - in her last email she basically told me to worry about myself, not other people's relatives, life is short. I won't be contacting her again.

Do treasure your good friends, unfortunately my best friend has died, I still have one great friend but she's in London.

Ah, this thread breaks my heart a bit. Happened to me nearly 30 years ago - a school friend who I had a very intense teenage girl friendship with. Both only children, both reasonably bright but insecure and deeply competitive with each other, and a lot of love/hate going on. We didn’t have a big argument, although there was one particularly grievous email exchange, but otherwise it just faded out. When Facebook came along, we became FB friends though that ended badly too.

In hindsight, we both had a lot going on with anxiety and depression and I guess she associated me with negative thoughts, so it was better for her own health to cut loose. Still think of her (for me, it was as intense as a relationship). She represents a time in my life when I did some shameful things, and I feel the end of our friendship was a specific judgement of what a dick I was being in general.

I can feel the pain in everyone else’s stories - it’s bewildering when a friendship ends and at the time, you don’t really know why.

A friend of 5 +/- years ghosted me after my daughter died. I think it was too much for her to handle. Really needed the support back then.. but that was a few years ago and I’m over it. Have seen her since in passing and she was friendly enough but know we’ll never be friends again.

I’ve ghosted a friend who was such a bore - all she did was talk about herself, even after what I went through. She’d compare it to losing a dog!

I don’t have many friends now but I try not to let it bother me. Have never been good at making friends and I just don’t have the emotional capacity to put everything into a new friend.

I could be the person you are talking about. Friendly with someone, time together with little ones, days out etc. but increasingly I realised our views didn’t match at all. Came to a head for me at my daughter’s birthday when remarks were made with “some people may find this offensive but….”. For me it was the final straw and I was done so I cut contact. Cowardly maybe but I didn’t want the drama of having it out as there was too much other things that were happening in my life so I silently ended the friendship.

I think the problem you're having is thinking that "transphobia" is similar to racism and homophobia. I can see that if you (mistakenly) believe that to be the case, then you would want nothing to do with "transphobes".

However, they are completely different things, and the trans lobby have deliberately manipulated language to try and link them so that well-meaning people like yourself will jump to hating the "transphobes" without thinking anymore deeply than that about the issue.

But transphobia seems to just consist of not thinking trans women are women, and not thinking that trans men are men. Which is just a straightforward, simple reality. A movement that expects people to lie about basic facts is always going to struggle, I'm afraid. Bullying and intimidation have been pretty effective for a long time, but that time is running out, I hope.

And that's before you start looking at the vile misogyny of a lot of the TRAs. You've put a lot of effort into trying to shut people up. You seem to be proud of your total disregard for women's rights and safety. You should be ashamed.

I had a very intense teenage friendship with another girl at school. I looked up to her because she was quick witted, amusing and rather more interesting company than anyone else I knew - but she was also one of those who took over the conversation. When you’re 14 you can’t quite put the words to why you’re steadily feeling more and more ignored, dismissed and frustrated. I thought it was me not being assertive or strong enough to stand up to her. And when I did express my feelings it turned into a massive row.

Unfortunately, I didn’t ghost her. I eventually (cringe) wrote her a letter telling her how I felt. That’s a whole other story and one that left me feeling guilty for years, before I grew up enough to realise that she wasn’t a friend, and society caught on to naming her behaviour as a form of emotional abuse.

I did this to a good friend

the reason I did it was because she fuvking ranted everytime about how the earth is flat and how the government are killing us with toxic air and the royal family are lizards

i realised one day how bat shit crazy people are…

I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss 😢❤️

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong just posting to say I love your username and the song! "girl I'm gonna make you sweat,sweat till you can't sweat no more" 🎵 am I right with the song?

Not quite the same but this happened when I was in an abusive relationship in my 20’s. For context I was the first of a big group of friends to move to London, I was very isolated and lonely (and skint) and fell in with a dodgy guy.
I was clearly in a bad relationship (with some DV) and I tried reaching out to my friends (who by then had moved up also) and they kept avoiding me. I pinned two of them down and travelled from my flat in north London to meet them at 6pm. I’m not exaggerating when I say I was back home in time for Coronation Street. They were kept exchanging glances and made excuses to leave, it made me feel so alone. I was left out of other social events. Worst thing is that I was there for one of them with bells on when she discovered her husband had had a fling. Years later I did get any apology but I’ll never forget how I felt at the time. I’ve had a few similar things since but none as bad as this. Looking at it positively, it made me realise that I was stronger than I knew and that I could always survive alone if I needed to. It’s a horrible feeling when this happens though.

I found out a (newish to us) neighbour had been busy telling porkies who had moved within our district and next to us.

It took me years to find this out. eventually a mutual contractor who we had both used repeated a few things and she stuck a knife into others in our area as well. It doesn’t worry me anymore but it initially hurt as I knew I hadn’t said or done anything to anyone. Probably made worse though as I’m not from here and was trying to make new friends and interests.

I cut ties with a friend (actually a work colleague I was friendly with). I let the friendship slide although I never outright ghosted her and I knew she had plenty of other friends. She was very over bearing, talked a lot, I couldn't get a word in edgeways, didn't really feel she wanted a friend but a sounding board. She was quite dramatic as well and I felt often tried to draw me in to mess/drama at work. She was generally popular and well liked because she was quite extroverted and also had a good sense of humour. However when I moved jobs I know I didn't want to stay in contact with her as it felt a very one sided relationship.

Mine was a woman I mentored at work. We became extremely close and I honestly loved having her in my life.

Then she became closer with a group of rather disaffected colleagues. One of them really struggled with their mental health and the rest kind of closed ranks around her. As a member of 'middle management' I believe I was lumped in as 'one of them'. I understand why but it bloody hurt at the time. Lots of sniggering at me during meetings, eye rolling, talking over me, etc.

Things came to a head when the group made a spurious complaint about me and a request I made of the team in terms of how we carried out a shared duty - a very reasonable one, I must add. After it was found to be without merit, not one of them spoke to me again.

Looking back, I think I get hoe it happened. I also need to take some responsibility myself. I'm autistic and, although my emotional intelligence is usually pretty strong, I do wonder if I was a bit overly intense with regards to the friendship. I can't remember any specific examples of this, but I've definitely struggled with friendships in the past which has possibly left me prone to trying to cling on with both hands when a meaningful friendship comes along. Perhaps I did this on that occasion.

Ultimately, I just had to move on. I was hurt that she behaved in that way but we all have our reasons and I bear her no ill will.

I’ve cut ties with people for views that go against my moral code like racism, bigotry, ableism etc. trump supporters too. I’m too old to deal with people I cannot respect or trust.

I had a friend cut ties with me a few weeks back because I have been suicidal for a while now and she said I was depressing her. Seemed a bit harsh as we were only online friends and I had just got out of psych ward on suicide watch so her timing was great. But I guess I haven’t been a joy for a while. Some people only want the jokes not the clown behind them.

We were both single mums and used to go out together and on holidays with the kids etc.
Then I met my now DH & as soon as she realised we were serious, she ghosted me Eventually I got her to meet up to discuss what had gone wrong . She told me that seeing me so happy upset her .She was miserable as she didn’t have a DP . She said she could only continue our friendship if I promised never to mention my DP to her ! Obviously that wasn’t going to work so we parted ways .
I believe that some friendships suit different periods of your life annd won’t last forever . Others will stand the test of time and although I’m sorry it ended that way I understand why .

Urgh I feel for you OP. The loss of a friend for me has been far worse than a romantic breakup because you are close enough with a partner that you can rationalise why it would never work. With friends who haven’t told you why theyve suddenly vanished it’s much harder especially if you don’t know why. This hasn’t happened to me much, but I have done it to other people without saying anything, which now feels mean, but at the time I felt telling them the truth would have been an assault on their character rather than individual actions, which I felt was unfair. The two times I have done it were for different reasons, but the basic feeling from me was that I wasn’t enjoying or benefitting from the rships. the first one was a woman who was completely incapable of asking anything about me, ever. Every problem I had was turned around to make it relevant to her. She was v self involved. I think there may have been some borderline issue that she’d never been diagnosed with tbh but in the end her self centredness just made me feel i was turning up to listen to her every time i saw her; not healthy. Friendships have to be mutually beneficial. I suspect the above reason is one of the most common.
the second was because the person was just really not that nice! She’d do things for me that seemed lovely. But then talk so rudely to people in front of me i’d cringe. Another example - she told me she wanted to take me to dinner to celebrate a work achievement i had but when we got there shed forgotten her card so i had to pay. No biggie, whatever, but a week later she sent me a tenner by bank transfer, when the whole thing had cost 40quid so i ended up basically paying. Again if the rest of the rship had been great i prob wdnt have cared but it was basically a good example of how she was really quite selfish and thoughtless and also v unaware. I also remember feeling sorry for her as literally noone else liked her and the little flashes of her kindness kept me attached far longer than i should have been. Dont wish either of them any ill will; but when i see how other true friends treat me, these two really were nothing but energy vampires.