If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

I’m trying to distance myself at the moment from someone who I have realised I have nothing in common with. She reads the Daily Mail, is obsessed with germs, and on a couple of occasions I have been out with her, she is very rude to people behind their backs or just incredibly socially awkward. Her whole family is very dysfunctional too and she rants on and on about a particular issue which to me is obviously about her poor behaviour. When I mentioned taking up a hobby she just said ‘ why would you want to do that?’. She’s just very dull, very conventional and lives a very small life. She’s also got little empathy for my problems. I can’t be bothered anymore:

Just a thought she could be going through relationship separation too embarrassed to talk to you, child could be making comparisons which make her uncomfortable

One of my besst friends. We'd been friends for 20 years since school. I asked her to be with me at the birth of my first child (which she was) and to be godmother to that child. She left the birth and then dropped me. I couldn't understand why. I found out later it was because she disapproved of me being a working mother and felt I should have given up work when I had a baby. Ans she claied to be a feminist. My child is now 19 but I still miss her and wish she hadn't been so judgemental.

Some people don't have family so friends are super important. You need to think before you dismiss people.

Don’t worry. Sometimes people just aren’t loyal. I was dumped by someone who didn’t like my politics/ where my kids went to school. She decided she wasn’t going to talk to me anymore.

It affected my other relationships. I feel like I can’t trust people with very personal information because if they dismiss your opinion it’s very hurtful.

Former friend used to fall out with people all the time. When it came to my turn I was so hurt. Heartbroken is the best way to describe it. I also felt very silly thinking it wouldn’t happen to me.

If it turns out to be a misunderstanding you can judge the situation then. Otherwise just assume it’s something to do with her life.

Perhaps she saw the debate in the house of commons about flouride and it put her off flouride use? There are other toothpastes available. I don't think this is a reason for not being friends, my goodness

Remember the days when we could all have different opinions snd politics, talk about it in the pub and yet all remain friends. Friendship has become an opinion match these days

I've dumped a friend I've had since I was ten. Everything you described. My final straw was opening up about something that was very upsetting to me, but she did her usual " well at least..." dismissive bs and carried on with her poor me routine.

I'd had enough, and looking back over our 30 years of friendship, she's never been a great friend to me, quite the opposite.

Oh and I'd started to go off her when I was struggling to conceive and asked her not to keep bringing it up. But she'd deliberately ring me to ask if anything had happened yet with a smirk, brag about her 4 kids and say things like " I don't know what I'd do without my children"

@OhMaria2 I often think ‘basic supportive responses when someone you care about is struggling’ should be taught as part of the national curriculum.

Lesson one: begin NO sentence EVER with the words ‘well at least…’

Lesson two: don’t attempt to show sympathy for someone’s loss or difficulty by telling them how grateful you are it hasn’t happened to you.

You’d think it was obvious, but clearly not.

Brené Brown has a great short video about empathy and saying 'at least'.

https://brenebrown.com/videos/rsa-short-empathy/

Sometimes it's not worth communicating if you know you're both not on the same page about things. I stopped talking to a friend after I had finally had enough of her kid. The list of things she did is long, over a span of years and very outing, but basically the straw that broke the camels back was deliberately provoking my DD with ASD. Then as I was trying to calm her down she carried on saying horrible things to her whilst her mum stood there kissing her as she said it(!).
I knew then and there I wasn't allowing them to step foot in my home again, but I also know she wouldn't have thought she was in the wrong and would have argued the toss.
I couldn't be bothered to waste my breath- let's face it no friendship is coming back from someone telling you they hate your kid and don't bring them round anymore!

My best friend did this to me last year. She lives nearby and used to text me to meet at least twice a week then just stopped.She didn't call when I came out of hospital but her her other close friend has kept in touch with me and thinks she is behaving oddly. )

Friend of almost 30 years, each others bridesmaids, godmothers to children, saw each other at least once a week, texting pretty much daily... Have barely seen her in 3 years (neither have moved).
I get the odd message every now and then, tbh it would be easier if she'd stop contact completely the I would know not to bother any more.
I'm not sure I have the emotional energy for this now 😔

I hope you are feeling better now 💐. A while ago I was blocked by some online 'friends ' . Political ...but it hurt at the time. Someone gave me a mantra : It's only Facebook , it's not real. But I don't always remember of course.

Did you text to invite her out the same amount? If not she might have realised (like many PP’s) that she was always the one doing it and decided to wait for you to take the initiative to show your friendship was equal. If you did then her behaviour is odd and there must be a reason for it. Have you asked her if she is upset about anything?

I have a friend I find difficult to talk to. He's a conspiracy theorist. Now that's his own business, but I don't want to talk about this bullshit.

Conspiracy theories have come up a lot in this discussion. It’s a hard thing to to deal with.

It changes your view of the person, it’s very hard to deal with (it’s so hard to talk someone out of a conspiracy theory IME), and it’s very very very boring, because the conspiracy theory believer will find a way of turning EVERY conversation round to some kind of conspiracy theory - it’s all part of the worldview where everything that ever happens in the world is rooted in one or other of these conspiracies and hence it constantly has to be brought up and talked about.

I can deal with most other political differences by simply talking about other things, but conspiracy theory believe is the one thing where this tends to be impossible and destroys the friendship.

They lied as a witness in court. Together with a couple of other small things around the same time, it made me look back at our friendship in a different light.
I've not ghosted them, have explained why I no longer want to be in touch.

I can relate to this. Several years ago new family moved into the road and our Kids of similar age. They seemed to be in a bit of financial difficulty so we filled their freezer and maintained close contact, introduced them into our circle etc

about 6 months later they started to talk about money owed in the UK, defrauding or misinforming their current bank as per a hardship clause, and several other things that to us, were just morally untidy. One of the DD’s started to play around with friendships at school and our DD ended up deeply unhappy and unfriended by her bestie. A small study group meeting she belonged to was held without her at the neighbours place, with a snap chat ? Photo sent to her just to rub it in a bit further.

we stopped all contact. Not ‘our type’ of people. Didn’t explain why either but don’t think they really noticed either. They got what they wanted and then moved onto the next family.

I’ve done this. When the friend suddenly became very intense and I couldn’t handle it.

That was generous of you. I wouldn't have explained - the person didn't deserve an explanation after behaving like that.

I feel like this. Sometimes I worry that there is something wrong with me emotionally.

I think there is something about moving a lot that programmes a person to feel that about relationships. I’ve moved a lot too and I’m just used to cutting ties and moving on. I care passionately about my own nuclear family, but not much beyond that. I’ve let several friendships go lately because I just don’t resonate with them anymore . People who live in the same place all their lives have a different and narrower outlook on life. The person I was even five years ago is not the person I am now .

I wish posters would quote the person they’re responding to, would be nice to read what the other person suggested to get some context…

I once had a friend completely blank me overnight. It was a shame because our kids loved playing with each other and it was shut down. I found out years later it was because she was told gossip about something that I was meant to have said about her. Completely untrue. She did eventually apologise but I was over it by then.