If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

I got dropped by a friend I really liked and I think it was for our approaches to things being too different. We’d both had weight and mental health challenges, but her preference was medication and denial and mine is research and action. I think that I think of myself as a person that happened to have anxiety/two stone to lose and she thought of anxiety and size as intrinsically part of her.

She never said why but did a slow fade. I figured I was annoying her and stopped trying. I send the odd message now and then but keep it very light.

If she started talking to me again I’d welcome it and keep the conversation on other topics, but I don’t think she will as she doesn’t know how much self-reflection I did! She’s got pretty low self-esteem and I don’t think she understood how much I valued her as a friend - she’s so interesting and funny.

You don’t have to be possessive and insecure in a relationship to dislike another woman’s unwarranted and unwanted attention being directed at your partner. To engage in this kind of behaviour says more about the insecurity of the perpetrator than it does about the recipient, or the partner.

I see where you're coming from but I disagree with the strength of this and think some of this is cultural too. This also depends how you define flirting. Obviously hair flicking and pushing away seductively is NOT OK but a bit of banter and teasing is fine I think. My partner is quite comical and I don't mind when my friends sort of tease him and it would occur to me to feel annoyed at either of them. I think artificially repressing the natural way of being with someone isn't good for relationships and I'd like my friends to get on well with my partner

Of course, and I totally agree that a bit of banter/teasing is harmless. However, the fact she said other people have pointed it out to her means it has become noticeable to others are likely being made uncomfortable by it.

Also, its happening when she's been drinking which means that 1. its not really her natural behaviour, its the result of her disinhibition after a few drinks and 2. she isnt aware of how its coming across because her judgement has been impaired.

I've been around people who thought they were flirting harmlessly when drunk and it wasn't harmless at all but they couldn't remember what accurately happened which is a problem here.

I had an old friend who was always surprised at stories I told of bad things happening to me. I then overheard something which made it clear that she'd been laughing with her family about my 'fictional tragic backstory'.

I was so surprised, she really wasn't who I thought she was.

I’m the one who did the ghosting. My story is a bereavement based one and sorry it’s a long-winded post.

I had a good friend of about ten years who I met through our children’s school and who lived in the same large village as my parents. I’d have probably said she was my closest friend. My DF used to occasionally do the school pick up and would chat to her at school and occasionally drop off her DS at home as a favour. I’d see her often at school and once every couple of weeks for coffee or night out.

My DF’s cancer returned and just before Lockdown 1 when we were all still meeting but hospitals had started to bar visitors, my dad had a heart attack and was blue lighted to hospital and once there we couldn’t visit or find out if he’d survived for many hours over the next day because of the general chaos at the hospital. I was with this friend and left her that day not knowing if my DF had survived. Then the Lockdown came with all the chaos that brought and it was only weeks later I realised she’d never asked what happened after I left her that day. I put it down to the weird world we all found ourselves in.

My DF got more ill and life was tricky not being able to visit him and then later nursing him and watching him dying without being able to see people and without outside support. It was pretty traumatic tbh. Other friends would message and ask if I was OK or check how my DF was doing. I didn’t expect people to focus on me but the silence from her was deafening. Over 2020 she contacted me twice because she wanted some information from me, she never asked how my DF was or how I was. Despite it being a strange time for communication and obviously no meeting up I did notice that she only contacted me when she wanted something and didn’t reciprocate me asking how she was.

In February 2021 my DF died. He had a horrendous end thanks to Covid (a whole other story) and me and my DM really struggled with the whole process including the socially distanced funeral with no wake. I didn’t hear from my friend in the months before or after his death, not even a text. As she hadn’t communicated I assumed she didn’t know he’d died and I hadn’t stuck it all over SM as my Dad would have hated that.

Then months later when things were back to normal Covid-wise I bumped into her at the supermarket. She said brightly ‘oh hi, how are you? How was your lockdown?’ I said ‘not great, my dad died in February. I don’t know if you heard?’. She said ‘yeah, I think I did, I can’t remember, someone probably told me, what am I like?!’ And she laughed at her own cute ditziness at forgetting such a trivial event. Then she said ‘still, at least your lockdown wasn’t as boring as mine!’. I just said I had to go. I was already delicate and it just hurt massively to have something so important to me completely minimised and unacknowledged by someone I thought was a close friend.

So I dropped her. Not in a strategic way, but I just couldn’t face her and I’d worked out who my real friends were by then. Not just in real life but also some real kindness right here on MN. She messaged me a couple of times to meet up for coffee but I didn’t bother replying. What would be the point? I’m told that she says she’s noticed I’m avoiding her and she doesn’t have time for petty behaviour.

I was a bit od a judgy twat. The idiocy of youth

I've cut somebody out twice. Once because I just couldn't bear to be around the dynamic she had with her husband, or the man himself. He is a vile, abusive arsehole and I found him very triggering (past DV myself).

The other, just became too much of a stuck up tit to be honest. Very full of herself and her (now) husband because they were financially comfortable (not rich, just not struggling). Bit weird tbh. DH and I aren't even exactly in a much different position.

Then she said ‘still, at least your lockdown wasn’t as boring as mine!’.

Wow! What an absolutely horrible and insensitive thing to say. She wasn't much of a friend, sorry.

That's really dreadful. I experienced a similar thing with a friend. Parent had died after an awful illness, it had been really traumatic. We met for coffee and I mentioned it. She just looked over my head at what was going on around us and made some non committal comment. No empathy at all Things were never the same after that.

I'm really laid-back but am faced with the prospect of fading out a really good friend over financial issues. Lent her money multiple times which was always paid back promptly. Then failed to pay back a sum, but asked for more, as was desperate and I lent again because she has children. Not massive amounts but enough to add up, you know? I'm not hard up, life is decent, I've been a lot poorer so I could afford it. She's also a great friend.

Then another message asking for £200 and I had to say no, flat out. Uncomfortable as hell but I felt better putting in boundaries. Thought that was the end of it but a week later she was telling me the kids had to go without, so I gave her £25. Since then we've met up once. During that meet up she let slip she went to a party and got fairly drunk.

I know she's having problems with depression, financial issues. Also know "never a borrow nor a lender be" but it's a little difficult when children are involved. Have already done self-reflection and beating myself up about lending more. Shouldn't have done it, but the kids, you know? And I could spare the money. I just feel used. Feel rubbish even typing all this out.

@scattery

I think she’s showing her true colours, going to the party. She’s using the kids as an excuse to get money out of you. Keep your boundaries strong if she asks again.

I had to end a friendship of long-standing, many years ago now when she got together with a drug dealer who’d just come out of prison, moved him in 2 weeks after meeting him. Just couldn’t do it anymore, since I spent years being an ear for her over her previous, drug addicted bf. She totally blamed me, her mother thought me insane and certain mutual acquaintances stopped talking to me. A very painful, devastating break up and I eventually had therapy for it. I realise now it was one of the sanest things I’ve ever done.

I had a friend, who's best friend went quiet. Close enough to be her maid of Honour/witness. Turns out she was divorcing and decided to surround herself with new friends she'd just met and distanced herself from friends who knew her before whilst married.
Mt friend was devastated and I totally understand why, but at the same time, i understand where the other friend was coming from. She was embarrassed that her marriage had failed (her own doing) and needed some space. Fro. What I can tell they are friends again, but it's never going to be the same.

It's absolutely possible/probable it is something going on in her life.

If you click/get on well with someone, it's usually because you share the same outlook on life, values and sense of humour.

So maybe she's doing something she doesn't think you'll approve of, like getting back with an ex.

But I would ask her "Have I offended you?"

If she doesn't reply or brushes you off, then just accept it's something going on in her life, and move on.

If she does reply. then you have your answer.

She's not that close a friend if you hesitate to ask if she's ok or ask if you have offended her.

I confided in my best friend when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. She said she’d support me but then suddenly went cold and cut all communication. I was devastated and we never made it up. I guess I put too much pressure on her and I shouldn’t have done that so I’ll take that lesson but I still can’t understand how she could totally ghost me when she knew what was happening. He survived, btw 😎. Good luck.

@YouOKHun wow, I’m so sorry for you. Huge hugs xx

I had an anxiety attack just before a meetup we had arranged.
I didn't know panic was something I'd have to deal with for the rest of my life and I thought I just had to sleep it off.
I didn't send a good enough apology quickly enough and she waited for me when she wanted really to be home with the new boyfriend. I couldn't explain the unexplained panic attacks. I didn't understand them myself. Neither of us was mature enough to figure it out quickly. My maid of honour who arranged my hen do about a year later got the full story. We managed one more social but life just changed for all of us. I'm still sorry I let her down 22 years later. I still sometimes just can't go out. I have far fewer close friends now.

You are better off out of that friendship, that is incredibly fucked up how she behaved and messed with your head.
I know it's hard but please don't give her all that free rent in your head.
It's absolutely not you

My Half Sister has ghosted me and her nieces since Donald Trump lost the Presidential Election. She came over to see us, and she mentioned the election votes were still being counted and that the ‘crook Biden was going to steal the election’ and I responded that the vile human wotsit wasn’t fit for office and that I sincerely hoped he would loose! I said that his racism and sexism should hopefully make sure that he lost!

She carried on with her drink, and biscuits and then left… never saw her again! For the first year I sent her Birthday and Christmas cards… but had no response!

There wasn’t an argument or anything like that… so I have found it all a bit weird!

When our father died nine years ago of cancer he asked his Daughter and second Wife to be there for his Granddaughters as he couldn’t be there!

My Mum died of cancer before this happened too, so it’s not like she could feel that I have any of my own family (because they have both passed)

She didn’t send any birthday cards to my daughters (who have never done anything to offend her) and that was that!

So I guess we are done!!! She is very right wing and well I very much am not as I am absolutely a centrist politically!

I guess it’s her loss that she has missed out on her two Niece's growing up!

My friend has done this to me!!

I can only think it's because I annoy her as a mum friend, I probably give advice when it hasn't been asked for.

She is still a friend, but keeps her distance.

8 years ago a friend of nearly 7 years stopped talking to me i was going through a recent bereavement at the time, and i was distressed. They didnt come to the funeral and i was anxious as to why. . .I worked with them and we were so close - like family...I was a higher pay grade and I had one or two incidents in work that I had to pull them up about, but nothing major. Disclosures of a private nature were told to one of the managers who really disliked me and I then decided not to talk to the person again( they had been saying hello to me if we saw each other in the street) roll on 7 years later and they stopped me and asked if we could draw a line under it all...I said OK. I now will say hi if I see them but thats as far as i would go now. I still don't know what caused the fall out.

I've had it happen twice, both times with someone I thought of as a close friend. The first time I went over everything I'd recently said and done and couldn’t work out where I'd gone wrong. It was a while later when I realised that, in the time I'd know her, she'd done it over and over to other people. I just liked her so much that I'd always supposed they were to blame in some way and that it would never happen to me. I tried, over the years, to become friends again but it never really worked, so in the end, I let it go.

The second time, it was because my friend met a man. I only met him once but he obviously didn't like me and after that I saw her very rarely, until not at all. I think there's a song about not getting between a woman and her man and I was obviously surplus to requirements. I might add the man is long gone and we are friends again now.
Lick your wounds OP, it's her loss.

Just so hard when this happens! Adults need to learn to get to the root of things not to just take things said by others as 'gospel'! If you don't know what's being said about you you can't defend yourself and it destroys so many relationships 😥

Hi this has happened to me too. We were mates for about 12 years and she’s completely ghosted me and I don’t know why. I was upset about it initially but too proud to ask her why she’s not bothered, was a case of “if she doesn’t care then I won’t either” we’d been really close but in hindsight now I can see that she was flaky and very unreliable. Before she ghosted me, me and a mutual friend found out she’d lied to both of us too (and probably had the whole time we were friends). Maybe not such a big loss after all!

I've done this because I very slowly realised everytime we met or spoke she always put me down. She has a big personality and I'm not sure she meant it with any malice, but it was very single time and always made me feel rubbish. I didn't bring it up with her and just slowly pulled away from the friendship.

People are so weird about bereavement. And the impact of lockdown. When my mother was coming to the end of her life during the lockdowns I accessed some telephone counselling for support. The counsellor said several times that 'everybody is having challenges in lockdown' and 'lockdown is hard for everyone'. Those things may be objectively true but you have to be some kind of stupid to say it to someone who has just told you they spent the last 5 days trying to get the antibiotics their elderly mother needed, while trying to support her while she was in pain and begging for help. There are still a few people who feel I 'over reacted' to the whole thing. Fuckwits.