If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

Maybe the issue lies with her and not you. Very difficult to say but I am sorry you are feeling the loss of this friendship. These things are never fun

Is she otherwise a reasonable woman? How does she normally deal with conflict? Does she have a lot of people who she isn't speaking to?

She had depression.
when she got better she pretended it didn’t happen.

Wrote about it on here at the time and got flamed that it hurt my feelings. It was the day I truly learned how selfish depression makes people.
Several people said that because I wasn’t depressed my feelings were irrelevant and worthless. And I am a terrible person for feeling bad about a how I was treated, because I was making my feelings about me, when my feelings should be about someone else. Always.

When I behaved like that to someone it was due to racism. Not blatant 'I hate all x' type of racism, but subtle comments that showed just how much she 'othered' certain people.

It wasn't something I wanted to be around, but she would never have accepted it if I had called her a racist, so I took my distance.

It wasn't a really close friend though.

If a friend cut ties ? As long no family were involved you'll be alright 💐.

Her son was diagnosed with asd

She stopped talking to a few of us
We ere always close and there to support her

It felt very hard in many ways
Will always have her back and I stick up for her when others vent how much she annoyed them

I cut ties with. Friend when she put drugs over her kids

I tried to help her so many times
In the end I had enough

I suppose it’s something between your children.

I have literally had this happen to me almost exactly as you describe. She just stopped answering my messages. I gave her some space. She just never replied again. I did ask her why and she didn’t respond. We have shared friends who still see her and have asked her and she just will not say. Then a few weeks ago I thought I’d try one more time. And she replied! Said she would like to meet. Then I said ok, let me know when you’re available and no reply. 🤷‍♀️ to be honest, the second time has fully killed any desire I have to be friends now.

its genuinely hurt me and left me feeling very down and isolated. Almost like a break up, it feels so unfair. She was my closest friend and at first I was devastated but now I’ve just accepted that I will just never know.

I've done this when I've had 'friends' who turn everything I've said into an opportunity to talk about themselves. Or if I say something it's 'me too' and becomes completely about them. Barely any questions asked about you or following up on things you've said. Or coming to you when they're upset and you've been there for them and if you one day need that reciprocated it's a very lukewarm reaction, no where near the level you've given. It's amazing how many people are like this and truly believe it's a 2 way friendship.

I found out it was because I talked over her. I felt very bad about it, but no amount of apologising could undo the damage. She had changed her opinion of me and that was that. It was a great shame because she was lovely and I had valued her friendship.

I was young, and learnt from it, and made a conscious effort after that not to talk over people - or if I did (usually when drunk or overly excited) I would immediately call myself out and apologise.

Thanks @CurryandSnuggle i appreciate that. I had wondered that. She’s got some complexity going on but not to the point where this makes sense.

@determinedtomakethiswork shes not unreasonable generally. I wouldn’t say she’s someone know to fall out with people. That said, also doesn’t have loads of close friends locally (but has a small, very close group of school friends who she talked about a lot).

I had a whole group of friends just suddenly stop speaking to me. They all ghosted me. Blocked me on social media and my phone number. It was during an awful time for me when my dd was admitted to a mental health facility. I felt so lost and had no one to turn to. I found out a couple of years later that one of the friends had someone inform social services of something to do with her children. And as I'm a foster parent I got the blame. It was not me.

If I've got a problem or I'm upset I'm adult enough to talk to the person who's done this. I have no clue why they just decided to close ranks and ghost me instead of confronting me. At least I'd have been able to plead my case. It was the not knowing what I was supposed to have done that hurt the most.

@thenewaveragebear1983 thank you for sharing and for the solidarity. You were brave to ask and I hope you find a peace with it. I will, of course, in time. It’s not the end of the world but I’m really surprised it’s upset me as much as it has.

@VenusClapTrap that’s really interesting. I do this and I am working really hard to stop. It could very much be this. Thank you and a great incentive to keep improving myself.

@vidflex im so sorry, that is awful. I hope your DD is recovering and in a better place.

It sparked something though - I had a ‘friend’ at uni turn my whole flat against me. Because one of the boys told her I’d said something mean about her and a guy she was dating. I hadn’t - not my style. She went from being a fun friend to completely ignoring me and influenced others to do the same for my whole first year. It was horrible - mean and unnecessary. I confronted the guy and asked why he’d done it - shrugged and said he had been ‘joking’. Both dicks in hindsight.

I have no friends because of this reason, been stabbed in the back to many times, I'm so lonely but I'd rather be lonely than be treated like tha

Found out a friend sent her son to school the day after he vomited and had a high enough temperature to go to A&E as they didn't think it was from a sickness bug. My child and a few others then had vomiting later that week. It's impossible to say who infected who so that wasn't the issue, but this is completely opposite to my morals and I know it may sound OTT but why would you be so inconsiderate and risk inconveniencing so many others? It's changed my opinion of them.

@Superfoodie123 thank you - I think you and @VenusClapTrap are onto something here. I talk over people and have a tendency to make things about me. It comes from a place of insecurity and from my family culture (grew up with a narcissist and in a family who don’t listen to each other). I don’t do it to the point where I don’t let others talk - sometimes a whole conversation can be about them. But I do it enough to notice I do it (if that makes sense). Tips on how to stop really welcome.

Best friend of 35 years, said she couldn't deal with my views about Covid/vaccination, and also said she felt our views of friendship were too different because I felt people who hadn't been through the pain of betrayal (finding out that a husband of many years had been having a long term affair) couldn't fully understand what it was like to go through that.

Another friend of 3 years just dumped me and I will never know why- I asked but she pretended it wasn't happening. I think she just didn't like me as much as I liked her- got sick of me probably.

Both horribly painful- the first one was (and sometimes still is) true anguish.

I've had a group of school mum friends do this to me, zero idea why and it didn't take long for me to stop caring because what's the point.
I have also done this to a friend (work colleague) we'd meet up once a month for a drink or meal but a few years in she confided to me that she was having an affair with a married man and that she wasn't 100% sure who the father of her toddler was (she was also married)
Call me judgemental but it put me off her as a friend.

@helpmepleaseanxiety I’m so sorry. People say that we should keep looking until we’ve found our tribe, I’m not sure this is true. I just don’t think I quite ‘fit’. Have always felt a bit like that. Just on the edge - not awful, but just not cool / important / fun / insightful enough to prioritise.

It’s a tough habit to break. Having the self awareness to know that you do it is half the battle; I find that people are willing to forgive if I immediately say “I’m so sorry, I totally talked over you then and it was really rude of me. You were saying x about y?”

On a different note I've had this happen to me too, and I know it's hard but try not to drive yourself mad guessing what's happened. If they're close enough, ask them. If you don't feel you can do this, try draw a line under it so it doesn't impact your self confidence. It can also very much be about them - I found out a friend who went AWOL (now reconnected after over a year) has had the most atrocious time lately and needed to disappear to get herself together x

I met a girl on my course at uni, she wasn’t in a great flat and was struggling to make friends. I introduced her to my (very new) friends and all was good for a few months and then she sat me down just before we were going out (we were in my flat with my friends) and told me they although we’d still see each other she didn’t want to be close friends. I was a bit drunk and really taken aback. I took it very personally, but privately because I didn’t really ‘know’ my friends properly yet. It was pretty much because I wasn’t cool enough, my new friends were cooler and she liked them more. Fortunately they are nice girls so we are still close. In time she did the same to various other people in various ways and always seemed to maintain one friend in a group and then move on. Over time people realised she wasn’t a good friend, I was just the first for it to happen to and it was a hard lesson to learn that sometimes it’s really not you … it’s them being a twat.