If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

I had a friend do this to me too - it was years ago now but I’d literally never experienced it from anyone before that time. We were really close, friends for years, kids good friends, been on holidays together etc etc. Then one day that was it - blanked me and never spoke to me again.

It was devastating tbh - like a break up. I felt completely shaken because i didn’t see it coming and it happened overnight. I later found out it was because our kids had had a fall out and she didn’t like the way I’d handled it and felt I’d minimised how upset her dd had been.

With hindsight I don’t think it’s the sign of someone who deals with things well - communication is almost always better. But maybe it just wasn’t meant to be 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow, that's uncanny - exactly the same thing happened to me. I never found out what it was she thought I'd said but I was dropped and blanked by the whole flat after being really good friends. It was so awful at the time.

@midlifepisces i was too awkward and, at first, wasn’t sure whether it was a one off. Then it happened again and I just let it drift. Basically I was a chicken!!

I really appreciate all of your experiences. The bottom line is I need to and will get over it, but makes me feel less alone to hear your experiences.

To answer queries - I’m not massively controversial on the big stuff - I vaccinate, don’t brag, don’t use drugs, don’t text excessively and I’m generally liberal and accepting of people who make different choices. My DH makes choices she wouldn’t agree with but she’s known that for the 3 years we have known each other. Things I do too much of is talk over, turn the conversation to me. I also have had health issues in the last year which I talked to her about - she has a serious health issue and may have felt this was relatively minor compared to her.

@Pleasegotobed im sorry that happened. I’ve (gently) asked my DD whether anything has happened and she hasn’t indicated anything has.

I think the answer lies in this paragraph- probably a mixture of all of them. There are 4 issues there.

"My DH makes choices she wouldn’t agree with but she’s known that for the 3 years we have known each other. Things I do too much of is talk over, turn the conversation to me. I also have had health issues in the last year which I talked to her about - she has a serious health issue and may have felt this was relatively minor compared to her."

Or something has happened between your kids.

Mmm I've done this but with much longer friendships - to abruptly end after 3 years isn't really giving someone much of a chance is it? There must be a definite reason but harsh of her not to even slightly raise it so things could improve.

After 20years of being picked up and dropped by my friend with each new relationship (and having a chat each time about how 'we'll' never let it happen again) I'm done. But at 3 years there's hope.

People are cut throat.

I could’ve written this word for word about my college friend. Haven’t spoken to her in several months and no doubt she’s constructed a narrative where she’s the victim.

This may seem mean spirited but I didn’t text or call her on her (milestone) birthday a few months ago. The reason being she has drained me so much over the years and given back so little.

For instance on our last milestone birthday (ten years ago) I bought her a really meaningful gift she wanted (cost over £200) whereas she didn’t even get me a card. Then she proceeded to forget multiple subsequent birthdays of mine completely while celebrating other friends on her social media. And all the while I’m remembering her birthday and sending presents for her 2 kids birthdays.

The birthday thing is just one small element of it but it’s more an issue how she centres herself in every conversation we have and continually trauma dumping on me, while closing up when I try to share anything I’m struggling with.

Things I do too much of is talk over, turn the conversation to me. I also have had health issues in the last year which I talked to her about - she has a serious health issue and may have felt this was relatively minor compared to her.

I think you’ve found your answer to why she stepped back .

If someone has their own stuff going on it’s particularly unpleasant to have someone with main character syndrome dominate the conversation and always turn the attention to themselves. Sounds like she felt as if you could’ve been a better friend and had enough.

You could may reach out and apologise or if not just be more self- aware and considerate in your future friendships.

Fundamentally different political views.

Snarky judgments about a living situation I couldn't help.

Huge disparities in income.

Mental illness.

My best friend of over 30 years went very cold on me a couple of years ago after I said something gender critical. I thought she would agree with me as she’s a lesbian but she was just super offended and talked about a trans man friend…

I’d like to try and mend fences but just don’t know how, we live in different countries and I guess we’ve drifted a lot more than I’d realised.

We had friends we thought were very close friends. They were Godparents to our girls.

Suddenly disappeared from our lives.

It was only when I bumped into another of their 'ghosted' friends.

The cunts lost interest if you were ill. My wife had kidney failure, the other poor bastard lost his eyesight.

Low life scum the pair of them.

Thanks all - really appreciate the sharing of experiences and insights. Helpful balm and also good to self-reflect. Will use as a way to propel me to be a better person and friend.

@billyt that’s unbelievably harsh and must have hurt. People are genuinely unbelievable - we try to educate our children to be kind but seriously, with adults like that what hope is there.

Two friends have done this to me ( separate friends, don't socialise together) in the last two years. One of them is very unstable and I have tried to be understanding about this , but she doesn't want to know me at all . The other one was a mutual kind of drifting apart, I think we both grated on each other through and after lockdown..but I miss her and her husband and kids, who were friends with mine, greatly..I even dream about them often. I see her around and we wave but I think she hates me. It's very sad. Have no friends locally really..all live elsewhere. It's quite lonely.

I had one friend go cold on me a few years ago- we had a minor falling-out about something (can't remember exactly what now) and in the ensuing 'silence', I realised that actually she had always been a 'taker'.

For example- one time she asked if I and ds2 would like to go away for a short break with her and her two dc. I said yes, how lovely, and then she said 'Great! We can go in your car!' So I ended up doing all the driving.

When I started looking back over the whole friendship I saw that that had always been the dynamic, and decided that I didn't need that kind of friend any more.

So while to her it might have been a minor falling-out, to me it was the catalyst to examine and do without the whole relationship.

I distanced myself from an acquaintance because they showed no empathy when I had a bereavement, after I had listened to their woes extensively.

Also they wanted to move into my house.

I once went "cold" on a good friend for a really stupid reason once. My eyes went really wrong and I couldn't wear my glasses for a month. It was incredibly stressful as I'm very short sighted and just spent the whole month trying to cope.

I had no idea that my friend didn't know why I wasn't all chatty all of a sudden as I was completely consumed with the effort of coping with being practically blind. I was really worried that I was going to be practically blind forever and could think about nothing else.

When I got my glasses wearable again, I smiled and was friendly to the person again but they have looked at me a bit differently every since. I've never been able to get myself together to explain what the problem was and it's a long time ago now, so hard to explain.

It gave me some insight into how other people may have all sorts of things going on that we just don't know about.

Depression at their end :(

I had a mum friend who had to do this to another mum friend (that we both know) because she said all she did was talk about herself when they met and never asked my mum friends anything ever. She got sick of it.

I've had a friend cut ties for over 5 years, when we did finally talk and catch up I asked why and she said she was struggling with body issues and eating disorder an I triggered her as I was slim.

It's not always about you? As in OP it could be a relationship breakdown, mental health etc.

I have friends I've drifted from but not ghosted just grown apart and they tend to be the needy ones, and the "all about me" ones that I struggle with.

@Trickofthetrade sorry that has happened to you. It is incredible how many of us are lonely and crave connection and yet can’t quite make or maintain it. I wonder how to change that…

I have no idea. We were friends for 25 years. One weekend she dropped out of a plan, sounding very formal about it. She said she couldn't really talk. I tried a few times to connect with her but no real response, so have now just left it.

It's hurtful, but I'm not worrying about what I may or may not have done. If 25 years of friendship isn't worth a conversation then I'm not going to be the one to stress about it. All I know is that if it was the other way around and I wanted to end the friendship, I would have told her why.

@tartancladpjs it may have been her and not me. For sure. I just sensed strongly it was me. It was really sudden - as in, we’re chatting one week and the next didn’t want to talk to me. I hope not and will probably never know.

@taylorswift1989 that’s tough, I’m sorry. But you are absolutely right, that’s worth a conversation.

I had a friend I was really close to for about 10 years - I moved to the next town, met someone, had DC etc whereas she stayed single. We were still close whilst my DC were little, then when they were toddlers she started cancelling all the arrangements we made to meet up; after the fifth cancellation in a row (including a special birthday lunch she'd apparently arranged for me ) I got the hint that she wasn't keen on meeting up!

A couple of years later she contacted me again, apologised for being unreliable, asked to get together in April - we had a long coffee date and cleared the air, I was really pleased. She said she'd love to meet up again in a couple of months' time, she was busy in May but didn't have anything planned for June. I went home, checked my diary, sent her a few dates to meet up in June - she came back to all of them saying she was busy. I thought fuck this, I really can't be bothered to make the effort again, and haven't contacted her since.

With hindsight I think I was a 'convenience friend' - someone she would meet up with if she didn't get a better offer - hence her multiple cancellations! And by that point it wasn't worth my time to make arrangements to meet up and have her cancel/ forget about it every time...

Had this happen to me. Turns out I wasn't the issue at all (though I blamed myself plenty at the time!) and she was just a flighty, entitled person - she had problems with other mutual friends later on, and struggled to stay in a long term friendship with anyone. Sometimes you just see a person through rose tinted glasses