If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

I knew a friend for 30 years but I got tired of their stinginess. It affected every penny they spend. Haggled in shops all the time. If they could get someone else to pay a little more so they paid less it was a triumph. I got a very good friend of mine to do a job for them (stupid me) and they haggled at the time to pay even though it was at a super price. I realised then that my friend put money above all else including friendships. I never told them why I distanced myself either.

I’m someone who threw away a friendship after no explanation. We knew each other through work and she was one of my bridesmaids.

The last thing she said to me was my breaking point. Up to that point she was racist, selfish, talked about herself only, rude and lied to my face several times. I never challenged her and allowed myself to be abused TBH. The last straw was her gloating about her career while I was struggling. I realised I was completely wasting my time. I cut her off after that, no explanation.

I am not saying you are like this ex-friend at all! You sound more mature and reflective! This is just my story from the cutting-off side.

I was going through a pretty rough break up (with assault involved) just as the trans stuff was ramping up and due to assault and sexual assault previously I was very much female only spaces. My trans friend was very much on my side and got into disagreements with her that I was right and although he needed protections too there were ways that didn’t put harm on women like me.

The friend didn’t like that, called me a terf and to get over my assault because it wasn’t kind.

she wrote a tumblr post about how she’d liked my posts to try to get back in touch instead of sending me a direct message. Then rambled on about how she wouldn’t want to be friends again anyway. she’s gone all out attacking every ex friend she thinks is a terf publicly on social media. Some haven’t gone well for the people involved. Except me. But then I know she cheated on her husband and I have evidence.

another friend disappeared when I was Bitching about my sister trying for a baby with her 3rd partner and 3 of her kids would all have different dads and none of them have stability. She took it personally that I was attacking her even though I’m in the same boat 🙄 My sister has trauma and equates babies with perfect relationships and thinks this is how to mend them so she keeps having babies then breaking up with men, turning to drink and the cycle starts over. I was just venting at how we couldn’t do anything to get her to make better life choices. Not attacking all women who have children with different men.

A friend of mine felt she had to cut off a good friend of hers after this woman's husband made several passes at her, this woman would have never believed her if she had been told about his behaviour, so she felt it easier to just put distance between them.

She was dating a married man. I told her I didn't approve and that it would end in tears. She told me she thought I didn't want her to be happy and that everyone else approved. I said they were not good friends as they would happily sit by and watch her get hurt when the shit inevitably hit the fan. She said it never would. I said it would happen sooner rather than later and said for her own good it would be better to walk away.

Wife got word and all hell broke loose. She then got upset that what I had warned her would happen, was happening. She then said I was happy this was happening. I said I tried to prevent this from happening and all her other 'so called friends' were the ones who were happy knowing this would happen.

She then played the victim as if the wife was the issue. I said she was to blame for this. She played an active role. She cut ties with me because I said this was hers and his fault. She is still mates with those who egged her on in the situation.

Suppose some people do not like hearing the truth in a situation they created.

I went cold on my friend because her husband kept asking me to send him pairs of pants. 😬

I didn't know how to tell her so just stopped seeing her.

I had two friends who went "odd" during COVID (probably didn't help that they both went through menopause at the same time). One went down the "COVID is a conspiracy and the vaccines are dangerous" rabbit hole, was rude to me about my decision to get my older child vaccinated, and then went quiet. The other one became very very COVID fearful (and still is, to my knowledge). She drifted away, and I later heard from a friend that she had made a decision to "take stock" of her friends and "move on from" those who had, in her opinion, not locked down hard enough.

She cut ties with me because she fell out with a mutual friend, and couldn't deal with me remaining friends with the other person (their fall out was nothing to do with me and I'd see them separately).

She got it into her head that I was discussing things she'd said with the other friend, but it wasn't actually me. One of her other mutual friends was, and still is!

I have a tendency to make things about me as well and tend to realise too late. This advice is really helpful. Thank you.

This is so unfeeling. For some of us who have no /tiny families friends are very important!

It's not you @Okaaaay it's her.
I went through similar,she ghosted me for no reason.
I was really upset,as she had asked to meet,so I dragged my son out in freezing weather to meet at McDonald's.
And she never showed up.

I went home and I rang her, thinking something had happened.
But something clicked,shed been aloof for months before this.
So I took the hint and never bothered her again.
But she has form for this.
So fuck her.

Honestly a lot of us feel that way. I don’t think I will have a tribe, ever. I watch other mums laughing together at the school gate and parties, whilst nobody is anything but polite to me I am definitely not in this tribe. Partly, I think, because many of them went to school together and live in the same small town whereas I live outside of it but work there and so send my kids to school there. Partly, though, because I am very borderline autistic (probably could be diagnosed if I wanted to be) and terrible at things you have mentioned like talking over people or too much about myself, I walk away from conversations and realise I have done it and kick myself for it. Trying so hard to talk about others more and not just about my family, but honestly I think I’m just crap at social skills and never going to be the tribe kind. My best friends are all neuro-diverse (and a lot of them are scattered around the world) and I suppose that’s where my tribe lies.

This is such good and lovely advice. Probably all of us could do with following some of these habits. I often write things down and ask after them later (can’t trust my brain to remember). There is huge value in trying to build and maintain positive, healthy friendships - something I’ve always struggled with.

I have had friends cut me out before (in my 20’s). They thought I wasn’t popular enough. Another friend stopped talking to me and I never knew why. She wasn’t really very nice to me but I put up with it as I didn’t have a strong sense of self-worth. It wasn’t a bad thing not having her in my life then but it did hurt.

I once cut out a friend. She was selfish, bitchy, competitive, and flaky. I felt bad for her because she was reflecting an upbringing where she had been shown that instead of love and kindness, but I’m not a punching bag.

Quite a few years ago. Mum acquaintance at school. She was a friend of a friend. Lovely person. She instigated meeting up for a coffee. Had a nice chat. Nothing controversial said and I’m pretty sure I didn’t bang on about myself, if anything the complete opposite. I didn’t see her for a quite few months at the school gate but when I did she completely blanked me. Never spoke to me again. At the time I’d split up with an abusive partner but was by no means dwelling on it. She’d been in a similar situation too. I actually felt quite hurt by it because to me it was inexplicable.

This thread is so interesting

I ghosted a friend. she was so 'nice' and sweet, but actually very self absorbed. conversations always turned back towards insignificant things in her life - troubles with her neighbours bins, or her dog being cheeky - it got really, really boring. I tried to talk to her about more meaningful stuff, and more personal stuff, and she didn't seem able to go there.

When i had my first baby and met her for coffee, she just talked about her dog! I would have really appreciated a special effort to ask me how i was that day (struggling!).

so it wasn't just one 'thing' that broke the friendship; it was slowly being worn down and realising she wouldn't change

i still see her occasionally and smile and wave. but when when she suggested we go for coffee, I was evasive. I don't want to try again.

I take my friendships seriously and the ones i love i really, really look after

The poster and her children would be more likely to catch diseases which could cause their death or life long disability. But I suspected the antivac person was always talking about it.

Is it a competitive sports club?

I've seen so many parents being friendly with someone who's kid isn't as good as them only to distance themselves when the status quo changes.

As if it matters 🙄

In fact my ds is elite level sport and trains with a national squad and it's actually a much friendlier environment despite being more competitive!

Not proud but I’ve done this. I was having an awful time with my mental health. I had multiple miscarriages, was diagnosed with a dangerous clotting condition and now I’m able to recognise I had a breakdown. I literally couldn’t cope with anyone else’s drama. She would call me and ask how I was but really she wanted to trauma dump on me for 45 minutes at a time and I couldn’t handle having stress dropped on me like that.

Responding to a text resulted in an immediate phone call from her with a superficial question about how I was doing (which I didn’t want to talk about anyway!)and then her talking at me for 45 minutes as she dropped all her (pretty insignificant) problems on me, she would work herself into hysterics on the phone and I couldn’t handle it. I did explain on several occasions that I couldn’t be a crutch as I needed to avoid any stress at all but she just carried on so I stopped replying.

It’s a shame as we were good friends but I couldn’t be anyone’s sounding board right then, and that’s what she wanted. When I was feeling stronger I invited her on a gift experience I’d been given for my birthday. She pulled out an hour before (I was actually on the way!) and I realised I was relieved so that was that. I do feel guilty that I stopped responding. I don’t feel it was quite the same as ghosting as I had set a boundary several times that was ignored. I’m sure she hasn’t connected that with me backing away though.

For me I distanced myself from Someone whose behaviour isn't mega bad but super annoying and always bring drama. .
Will never look at themselves despite trying to discuss it . They just can't see it so I distanced myself .

Of course it's not unfeeling the most important relationships we have are our families ,to find out family was involved in an ultimate betrayal . I do know what it's like to have very small family , they are so important .

I've had this happen to me so can relate to the loss and bewilderment. It turned out that someone who didn't like me had told her I was talking about her behind her back. I hadn't but this person who lied was a bully and I was apparently the perfect mark. I was incredibly hurt. However on reflection I realised she wasn't that good of a friend after all, she blindly took this person's word and didn't even discuss it with me.

@Superfoodie123 The exact same thing here. I backed right off a friend who always made it about her in every conversation. If she needed help, or advice, or was at a loose end, or needed a lift or help with moving stuff she would always get in touch. We could spend 2 hours having coffee and talking just about her and her life and her problems with her kids/husband/job/pets etc while I was lucky if I got 10 minutes to talk about what was going on in my life. The final straw came when I had a cancer scare and she barely acknowledged it but just carried on talking about herself. I realised that day that nothing in my life or about me really mattered to her so I just stopped answering her texts and calls.

I went cold on two separate friends after I found out they were terfs. I owe it to my black friends not to be friends with a racist, I owe it to my gay friends not to be friends with a homophobe, and I owe it to my trans friends not to be friends with a terf. We should never condone bigotry by rewarding it with our ongoing friendship.

thinking that males shouldn't compete in female sport is transphobic though so most people in the UK are terfs!

Yes, I had exactly this happen to me. Turned out she was sleeping with my husband. Now an ExH!