If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

Never found out the real reason - the one she invented was that I was not supportive enough when she went through a break up. I went through all our messages and emails when she said that and saw far more support from me to her than she had ever given in reverse. The break up could be seen and predicted from many months before - this was many months of us talking exclusively about her each time we met. She was on the other side of the world at the time it happened so going over to her place was not an option. She was also going on dates with other guys within weeks.

It really hurt at the time. I couldn’t imagine my life without her friendship and it took years to move past it. With hindsight I can see the friendship was all about her. She got all the support from me when she needed it but the reverse never applied. Judging by the drama that’s followed her in the years since, I dodged a bullet.

Friends since schooldays. She set me up on a blind date with her husband’s colleague, when it turned out to be successful she stopped talking to me.

Blind date and I have been married 7 years now…

I have adhd and have to watch that tendency to jump in, talk over and relate things through my own experience. But I’ve also noticed, that as I’ve met more and more people who are adhd or autistic, that is much less of an issue. Conversations can be very high octane, fast paced, with very few completed sentences and a lot of connection. If this is the main friendship issue, you may just not have met someone compatible.

I never found out. I think it might have been a combination of fertility (I think she had fertility problems whereas I had my two very quickly with anxiety in that area), and wanting to focus her attention on her life in the city she moved to when she married. It honestly broke my heart.

Sometimes people unfriend/drift away if you remind them of a difficult period in their life that they are now over. It's a cleansing thing.

See it a lot on here: 'we helped each other through really tough times' or 'I supported her through xxx' - then it completely fizzles. There can be a trauma-link, that has nothing to do with personality or behaviour.

@Sleepiemum - very interesting, I have a friend like this and find it hard to connect with her (she’s a friend in a wider group). I am an oversharer and find her guardedness difficult to trust.

@Wallywobbles thank you - will look that up

As an adult, when kids diagnosed, I discovered I have ASD/ADHD. It manifests in talking over people (have to get our thought out before it goes) and also in ‘that happened to me’ responses, which are intended to evidence empathy, not be competitive (I only found out on TwiX thread that this is a common social error ASD/ADHD people make).

I can see that it’s annoying, but at the same time I’ve always been open about the fact that if I talk too much people can (and must) tell me to shut the fuck up and as I can take it. My real friends (who, admittedly, are few yet complete ND-accepting diamonds) get me and do this - with love and gentle laughter. They know I have been and will always be there for them in a crisis, and understand the imperfect nature of being human, so are tolerant of my faults. As I am of theirs.

As I’ve grown to understand that I do this, esp when nervous/stressed/excited, I now really consciously self-monitor my interactions … but it is socially exhausting and often just easier NOT to meet people too often. I will go through whole conversations with new people without saying anything about myself unless expressly asked. Almost gone the other way now.

So sorry this happened to you, and that you may never know what behaviours triggered it, but please be reassured that there are people out there who will get you. We’ve become a less tolerant society, rather than the inclusive and accepting one we seem to aspire to.

Could you speak to her? From my point I’ve treated a person like this recently but not to this extent. There’s a school mum I’ve also known for 3 years and every year I’ve invited her child to a party we’ve done as our children play together. I found out this year she had a party and never invited us which is odd as she’s so lovely to my face! I’m still friendly to her but I’ve backed away as she has invited people she rarely knows from the other class over my child. So I’m creating boundaries too now.

One very very old schoolfriend had just lost her job while going through a difficult pregnancy, I phoned to sympathise but they're very private and proud and I clearly didn't read the situation very well. They cut me off and when I summoned up the courage to email them and ask why they said I'd been patronising. I wrote them a massive apology but probably came on too strong. I still really miss them and dream about them and if we happen to be at the same event now we always have a great chat - our mutual compatibility is still so strong.

There was a major fall-out afterwards, another 'friend' who had joined our group more recently and had clearly never been that keen on me ratcheted the drama up and said the original friend and I couldn't be invited to the same things leading to a lot of awkwardness, and me ultimately withdrawing after mutual friends started falling away. The whole thing was really upsetting, with me being alienated from my group of schoolfriends that I'd been close to for 30 years.

Funny thing is I hadn't been so keen on the whole gang for a while - as in the group mentality which often involved bitching about other people so I don't miss that, although I really miss them as individuals. I learned a lot about scapegoating and not listening to gossip or indulging in drama but I'm certainly a lot more distant in my friendships now - and probably more respectful of other people's privacy too.

I’ve dropped friends who like you are male supremacists. I wouldn’t be friends with misogynists. In the same way I wouldn’t be friends with people who thought blackface was ok, I wouldn’t be friends with people who condone womanface and the reduction of ‘woman’ to a feeling or a costume.

We should never condone bigotry by rewarding it with our ongoing friendship.

Best friend from about 13, we were about 28

its very sad actually, she had tried to kill herself and (i found out later) was embarrassed to tell me

we made up a few years later after my mother died and i sent my friend a letter apologising for anything i might have said to upset her and that if she didn’t want to see me again that i hoped she had a lovely life

A friend dumped me - justifiably - after her DD was injured in an accident and I didn't offer as much support as I should have done

Another dumped me - unjustifiably IMHO - because I decided to apply for a job we both knew about and she thought I should have stepped aside

I ghosted a friend of 13 years. I could no longer stand by and watch how she controlled her DC. She penny pinched to the point celebrating sponging off others. She lived in a £1M+ house, DC were dressed appallingly, DC had packed lunches and would have to share a cheese string on a Friday as a special treat. Oldest DC seriously struggled at school, apparently it was ‘shyness’, I long suspected ND but she would hear non of it and instead try to manipulate mine & our other friend’s DC often contacting our DC directly and yet her DC weren’t allowed mobile phones. They weren’t allowed to shave their legs or armpits. So, so many other controlling and odd behaviours from her. It was heartbreaking to see her teenage DC so awkward and crushed. After several months of trying to talk to her I couldn’t take it anymore and stopped replying. I hear grandparents finally intervened and the DC are allowed some autonomy these days.

I had a similar situation, reached out to ask the person what had happened and she replied "I don't know what it was, really. Sorry that's unhelpful." 🤔

I went cold on a friend I used to be reasonably close to because I couldn't stomach how she was treating and talking about her step son.

Every time we spoke she'd want to talk about how awful he is (for completely normal behaviour). The final straw for me was when she was saying he looked 'gay' with his new haircut. He was only 6 or 7.

She has since teamed up with an equally shitty person and I'm sure I became the subject of her vitriol but good riddance I say.

I cut ties when I realised the friendship just wasn’t working for my mental health. I was in a group of what I thought four close friends. I realised I wasn’t classed as the same, I was expected (and happy to do so I’ll add) to chip in for presents for birthdays, new houses etc. When I lost a baby, I didn’t get the support I needed but kinda thought it was because I’m good at saying I’m fine etc. Then I finally bought my own house, and despite throwing in hundreds of pounds over the years for these friends when they got their first home etc, I didn’t even get a card. I read back through our messages and realised that a lot of the time, they only got in touch to borrow things or for favours.

I've done it a few times and also had it done to me. I've moved around a lot and friendships are hard to maintain.

I am an odd one though in that outside of my parents and husband and to some extent, siblings, I don't really care about anyone. You'd never really know but it's something that has happened to me as I've grown older. I make very little effort these days.

I let my friendship with my closest friend drift about 10 years ago as we just didn't get on anymore. Apparently she was puzzled but I honestly felt like it was a break up and I was done. I've had no urge to speak to her at all and she was one of the few friends I've really ever liked.

I had a very good friend who I ghosted in the end.

She was alot of fun, quite attractive and we did alot together with our kids. I did notice she could be rather flirty when we were out, but I always just joked about it and laughed it off.

It wasn't until I could see on a few occasions she had that same glint in her eye when talking to my husband that my feelings towards her changed, and hearing she'd been doing the same to another taken family member of mine. It may have been harmless fun to her, but I found it disrespectful and overstepping the mark.

I feel sad about it, because she was otherwise a really good person. I just never felt the same or comfortable with her again🙁

Try not to worry too much(easier said than done I know) Sometimes I think maybe we share a bit too much .and they step away.Also if they are facing a tough time .I would not keep scrutinising your texts .Try to move on a little ,see if anyone else to chat to .Also dont text them too much ,meet up it it goes along .Its difficult but sometimes with Jobs ,Careers and children life becomes hectic!

Your first friend sounds like a precious, judgemental arse and she did you a favour. Please don't feel anguished about it. You have a right to your views, and your friend could simply have ignored them instead of insisting they align with hers.

This happened to me and I came to the conclusion that I must have been a bit annoying when I was drunk. I just can't think of any other explanation. I asked the friend in question whether I'd done anything to upset them and they said no. I guess it's not easy telling someone you find them annoying!

It knocked my confidence and I went into my shell as this friend was part of a friendship group and I felt that one or two others sided with her.

It's taken me a while to learn to accept who I am (and like who I am) and if people don't like me then they're not the right people to be close to.

That isn't a given. Family isn't everything, some people have friends who are far more important to them than family.

I've both been on both ends. Two instances of being cut off were:

1. Like others here, too talkative and also clingy (this one one was when I was much younger and made me very aware of how I present)
2. I was depressed and pulled away from people during a low period and some of my friendship group took it very personally and felt hurt at my absence and selfishness. I wish I had handled both better but you live and learn

I've recently cut off a friendship of over 10 years because the friend in question is very self absorbed and draining to be around, and once (quite ashamed of this one and very unfair to the friend, I know) during a severe bout of depression stopped speaking to a different friend whose life was going really well because it was just a painful reminder that mine wasn't and I'd just spiral more after seeing them

His loss. He can enjoy gradually discovering he's on the wrong side of history without your forgiveness or friendship.

After having plans cancelled on me half a dozen times at the last second/friend failing to show up, I quit initiating get togethers. Not spoken to former friend now for a good many years. I had moved further away and the relationship had run its course.