Devastated with my life at age 31

[67666d]

I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm completely exasperated and I'm turning into an irritable person. I never thought I would be an irritable person. I can't cope with anything anymore. I never imagined that I'd be so unhappy at my age of 31. I don't want this life anymore.

I've been unemployed for 10 months and I've been living off of the money I inherited from my grandparents (I had savings of £60,000 and I believe they have now gone down to £15,000). I feel so devastated and so ashamed. I can't even bring myself to check my bank accounts because I know that it will kill me and shake me to the core. I haven't spent the money on anything substantial or worthwhile, I don't know what its gone on but its gone on me treating myself to things and driving lessons with different instructors that have led to nothing. I haven't had any self control with the money and I've been dipping into it without a care for years.

I wasn't progressing with the driving lessons and the driving instructor basically told me that he didn't think I should carry on with the lessons and that he didn't want to keep taking my money when he thought I wouldn't get anywhere. Its really knocked and shaken my confidence.

The money was supposed to be for my future, for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was supposed to be used for us to buy our first home.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Its sickening. I don't want access to the money anymore, I want to cut off all of my access to it. But, I need to pay rent which means I need to pay £800 a month. My savings will probably run out on rent unless I find a job to cover it. You cannot imagine the devastation of my life.

He found out about the money last night, when he asked me about it and I told him that half of the money has already gone. The reality is that even more than half of it has gone. It will kill me to have to tell him. We were out at a pub and were planning to go to a nearby restaurant to get dinner after we had finished our drinks. Well, my boyfriend asked me about the money and you know I told him that half of it has gone. It was very painful. He told me that he felt sick as in it made him sick to hear how much was gone. He told me that I should move back in with my parents and sort myself out. My boyfriend told me how unhappy he is and how he has been waiting for me to find a job for 10 months, how I haven't tried hard enough with the time I've had. The conversation got harder and harder and more and more painful... he said that things are always about me which is true and that he's tired of things always been about me, he said he feels that he doesn't have anybody to look out for him or encourage him or motivate him. He works so hard and has struggled with his mental health. It broke my heart to hear this. We finished our drinks and we were both very drained and upset, my boyfriend said he wanted to get the train home, my boyfriend was crying on the train home. It was the worst day of my life. We got home and he got straight into bed and I could hear him crying in bed. I didn't feel I could comfort him as I've caused all of this. Neither of us had anything for dinner and it was horrible- I still feel weak and out of sorts today.

I've been looking for a job half-heartedly (to be completely honest), I've started to try in the past month. I know its really shameful. I found looking at jobs to be overwhelming as I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don't have any qualifications, no degree or anything and my previous work experience only means I could only look at low paid jobs. I just feel so undesirable and so unfulfilled. I can't see these type of jobs lead me to any of the goals I have... like I want to have a family with my boyfriend. We've been together for 12 years and I'm 31 going on 32. I went through an abortion five years ago and it still fills me with grief, torment and pain. I will probably need fertility treatment as well, given that I'm nearly 32 and I have no idea when we will even be able to try for our first child.

We also have a massive issue with our next door neighbour, it is completely unbearable. We can hear her all of the time, she is so overbearing and so loud. She doesn't go out to work and is in our shared garden all day long. She sits outside our windows and talks as loudly as she can on speakerphone, or talks with her husband or talks with anybody coming through the garden. My boyfriend blasts music to drown out the sound of her. My boyfriend has been telling me that he is desperate to move and that he hates living here because of her. He also works from home and he can't open his office window because she sits directly below it in the garden, so he works all through the summer with his window closed. It's unbearable, its making him angry and how can I blame him when he's been waiting for such a long time. We CAN'T move now because I don't have a job and because we don't want to be able to buy somewhere. We have been renting for all of our lives and don't want to have to rent again.

I feel so guilty that I've not tried harder and that I've wasted so much time. The guilt could eat my alive.

I feel like I'm going completely mad. I'm so unsettled and things are so unstable.

My mum has messaged me today about a big family get together next month, for my grandmas birthday and she wants me to let her know if I'm going. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough place to be around people when I'm so devastated with where I am in life at age 31. I felt like I was going to flip out when I saw the message. I've just gotten back from visiting family and I don't feel I was in the right state of mind to visit. Then again if I don't go, I'll end up feeling guilty and they will know that any excuse I make is a lie as I'm unemployed and have all of the free time in the world. I feel like such a terrible and conflicted person, it's exhausting. I want to be to type of person that makes other people feel proud.

Ok. You are where you are and you need to make a plan. You can start over.

What sort of job do you want? How could you get the experience or training for that job?

Could you save money by living with your Mum?

Your Council had probably got some sort of into work scheme and a mentor there may be able to help you look at your options.

You don’t feel young, but you are. You have potentially Almost 40 years of working life ahead of you. That’s plenty of time to develop a career.

There used to be a book called ‘what colour is my parachute’ which was about thinking through who you were and what career might suit you.

You can turn this around OP.

Take a deep breath op. I can totally see why you are feeling so down about yourself but you can't go back and change any of it. All you can do is move forward.

What are your options moving forward? It sounds like you need to urgently get a job. It also sounds like you are unsatisfied with your lack of qualifications. And you are both unhappy with where you live. So where you could you move that would have cheaper rent? What low paid jobs could you do while you also gain some qualifications? It doesn't sound like you are quite ready to have kids yet so don't get yourself into a huge negative spiral assuming that you'll have fertility issues when you do. I think your boyfriends reaction is rather strange and wonder if there's more going on there than he's explained. I assume it's not his money you've spent?

Do you struggle in other ways as well as money op? You mention no qualifications so I wonder if you found school hard too? It could be that you have some undiagnosed neurodiversify which could make you impulsive with spending, struggle with budgeting etc. Is that something you feel could be an issue?

First of all I want to send you a virtual hug, you sound so overwhelmed and that in itself is mentally exhausting.

Its all got on top of you hasnt it take a deep breath and tackle each thing at a time. First of all the moneys gone so you can't change that (as upset as you are you can't undo it)

You sound like you might have depression /anxiety I would give your gp a call and you can have a chat, most are really supportive and can give you good advise whether it's counselling or medication ( no shame in it we all need help)
Have you looked into college and maybe a part time job for now? , there might be some shop jobs around just to give you some confidence back and you'll be earning while learning doesn't have to be full on, just a few hours. The money you have left you can put into savings and use some for college. I think you'd benefit alot and then it might help you to get a better job in future.

Sounds like your boyfriend loves you he probably feels he's carrying it all atm but also needs to understand you are struggling

Talk to your mum I'm sure she will understand if you explain how you are feeling atm

Neighbours I can relate, weve had similar and when you are feeling stressed it makes you feel worse

I hope I've helped a little bit, be gentler on yourself 😊

OP you need to just take a few steps...and then a few more. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and burying your head in the sand, but that's not going to solve anything. Just accept that you cannot change what is already done, but you can change the future if you do things a bit differently.

Also if you can show your boyfriend that you have a plan - and more importantly if you can demonstrate to yourself that you have one, it will motivate you.

Just get a low paid job if that's all you can get - so what. It will tide you over for a few months or a year or two while you look for something else. It doesn't have to define you, or be the job you have for the rest of your life. You could even retrain in a few years if that suits.
Then try and keep that 15k and build on it in the next few years - your boyfriend should also be contributing and soon enough you will have a good deposit.

Go easy on yourself - unfortunately most of us don't know how to deal with large sums of money, I know if had inherited money in my 20's I would have pissed it up the wall or spent it on drugs.

I agree. The first step of problem solving is working out the problem. The issue is spending and not having a job.

Time to stop unnecessary spending - pub, restaurant and start looking for a new job. Treat it like a 9 - 5 job. Tomorrow get up and dressed and be looking for jobs by 9 o’clock.

I can feel the pain through your words OP but this is okay.

You have savings still.
A partner who loves you.
A family who can support you.

Is it possible to sign on while you're looking so something is coming in?

Have you tried looking for a job at a supermarket or something to help tide you over?

Do you know what sort of job you'd like to do?

I'd sign up to some temping agencies and build a LinkedIn profile. Reach out to people on there.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Op, it was 60k. A good wodge and yes it could’ve been a house deposit or similar but it wasn’t absolutely life changing money that would’ve paid for all of the above.

Plus I’m irritated on your behalf that your boyfriend (who hasn’t even proposed or made any big commitments to you) seems to think it was HIS money as well as yours. It wasn’t/isnt. He can be peed off about you spending it if he was stashing money away for your joint future as well, but has he been? Sounds very one sided to me, like he just expected this (relatively minor) inheritance of yours to cushion him for life.

Can you start an apprenticeship as you will get qualifications whilst being paid albeit probably lower wages than a straight job? Have a look on the national apprenticeship website. You have to start somewhere. Its a massive shame that you wasted all that money but it's done. Hopefully your boyfriend will cheer up if you get proactive.

Op. You can make more money and you've been spending some of it on rent so you haven't wasted it all. You need to talk to someone because your head's all over the place. Talk to a doctor and you could also ring the Samaritans or find out about any local counseling services you can refer yourself to. You sound paralysed with anxiety or possibly you might have some neurodiversity such as ADHD and might benefit from some medication. Hope you manage to move forward with your life. You are only young.

There is absolutely no point in beating yourself up over what has already happened because it won't achieve anything. So draw a line under it.

Start by finding yourself a job. Go for something you have experience in, and get a job as soon as possible. Then you have some money coming in that will reduce your costs significantly and give you a boost. Then look at how you can move to something you prefer. Do you need training? Can you find an employer who will support you in doing that?

There is no reason to assume you will need fertility treatment at 32. So I'd focus on improving your financial situation and reassuring your boyfriend.

Can you move home and save for a while? Would that work?

Stop worrying about what others think. You are doing this for your future, and that is your motivation.

Oh love, I would give you a huge hug if I could. You have years and years to sort your life out; don’t write yourself off and don’t despair. You’ve not really done anything heinous, have you?

I am in my late 40s and with only 15 years more perspective than you, I can see it’s all recoverable.

Im not going to give you any specific advice, just say - don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s hard living with someone with MH problems, and you’ve lost your way. It might lead you to a new path. At 32 I met my future husband and my life took a totally unexpected turn for the better. Things won’t always seem so bleak and hopeless.

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s time to start again. First of all put 10k of that money in an account and do not go into it. That can be your deposit money, baby money, wedding money whatever but don’t touch it. Next thing is make sure your cv and covering letter are perfect and send them out to anything. You’ll have to take a low paid Job and work your way up. I’ve had too and it’s fine.

also please ring the doctors and ask to be referred for therapy . Having the abortion has clearly left some memories and issues you need to solve.

you need to start at scratch but it can and will be done. Anyone with a Huge amount of money would have been tempted to spend it and especially in your shoes so don’t feel bad .

You need to pull yourself together OP.

Feeling sorry for yourself is not helping you and in fact is what’s making you feel worse about your life and why you’re not doing anything about it.

Forget about the neighbour for now.

The money has gone.
It doesn’t matter where or how, it’s gone and it’s not coming back.

Your only focus right now should be getting a job.
I truly believe as humans we need to work and when we don’t it affects our MH.

Get any job that is within a reasonable distance.
It doesn’t matter what the hours are or if it’s not sure if it’s something you want a career in, you just need to get your foot in the door.
Its always easier to find a new job once you are in one.

Ask your DP if he wants you to move out.
If he does then move back to your parents or a shared housing and continue looking for a job.

Once you prove to your DH that you’re working and trying to change for the better, then I’m sure he’ll take you back.

You have said repeatedly that you feel guilty - did this feeling of guilt start around the time you had an abortion? Perhaps you haven't dealt with it and need to make peace with it? As for the money - 60k is a lot but it's not the be all and end all. It's great you had it to fall back on when you needed it and if you have to spend every penny of it to survive then so be it, you will earn more. Most importantly thing is to get yourself a job. Any job. A bar. A restaurant. A supermarket. An entry level office job. Look at big organisations like hospitals who are always looking for staff. Take the first thing you get and work your way to better roles from there. Your boyfriend sounds like he could use a therapist too tbh. Crying all night isn't a good sign.

I'm trying to work up to checking my bank balances today. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and I feel absolutely horrible and sick and stressed out beyond belief. I don't think I'll be able to do it.

I told you guys that I have £15,000 left and I think it will be around that amount or £5,000 less or more.

I thought it might help me to feel calmer since deep down I know it is always better to know the truth and to not be in denial, but I don't know if I will be able to cope when I see how much has gone.

My boyfriend was asking me when we were out this week to check and show him the actual figure. I made up an excuse and told him I didn't want to check my bank accounts when out in public and that I'd prefer to check at home. I lied and told him that about half of the savings were gone (£30,000), but the reality is that I know that a lot more than that has gone. He wants me to phone my dad and explain what has happened and ask for help. How can I ever admit what has happened to my own family. I feel like such a terrible daughter, terrible girlfriend, terrible sister. The guilt is eating me alive. My dad was under the impression we would be using the money to buy our first house or flat and to set ourselves up for a better, more secure life. We've been on lots of different property viewings over the last two years.

Every time I check my main debit card account its in the minus £100s, because I don't have an income. Its horrendous as I know that is money that has been taken out of my savings and that they are going down and down. It's also lowering the interest I receive on my savings. It's such a vicious cycle.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so awful, but please bear in mind you are not a horrible person - you made some mistakes but you haven't done anything truly bad. Please put this into some perspective.

You spent money that was given to you, maybe carelessly, maybe recklessly, but it's not a terrible crime, you didn't steal anything. Your family may be disappointed but they will get over it because they love you.

And your boyfriend sounds far too invested in this money - he really should have no right to it, he sounds very grabby. Fair enough if you were supposed to put it towards a house or whatever, but what is he putting towards that? Does he see you as some sort of golden ticket or something?
Tell him to back off.

Talk to your family, tell them you are struggling. Maybe give what you have left to your dad for safe keeping. Then take some time to look for a job to get you back on track.

I've been too therapy for my abortion about two years ago, I paid for the sessions with my savings and I went once a week in the evenings after work. I've come to realise that I will never get over the abortion and that I will have to live with it for the rest of my life. The grief, the torment, the loss, the what could have been's. My parents only grandchild, me and my boyfriends first child. I'll never know who that child could have been.

I'm mentally ill and spiraling at the moment and all I could think about last night was where has my child gone. Where has that life gone? It just makes no sense. Where is my child now? What happened to them? What happened to their soul? That little life? Where did they end up? Why couldn't I look out for them? Why couldn't I protect them? .... It makes ABSOLUTELY no sense that they got flushed down the toilet, it was five years ago but i still think about it every day and it still feels suffocating and painful.

I feel guilty at the moment, but i feel guilty because i feel like i'm letting everybody down and i'm nowhere near the person i want to be. I want to be a person that people look up to, a bright light, an inspiration. i want to be stable and thriving. i want to make my boyfriend and my little sister proud. i want to be in a place to do more for them, to be more involved in their lives, to make their lives better, to treat them, to surprise them, to make plans.

No not at all, he works full-time and has been saving money for years. I'm sure he has £60,000+ He wants to put his savings to use, he said he feels like he is working towards nothing and he would have used them for a deposit on a place.

He keeps on telling me how unhappy he is with living where we living and he is completely desperate to move out. He cannot cope with the neighbour and he works from home 5 days a week. He feels even more trapped than me, he says he feels like he is working towards nothing and that he doesn't have any motivation to do better in his job or career. I'm devastated by our situation, his situation and I feel so guilty that I haven't helped him or us to find a way out. He is such a good person and I'm desperate to lift some of the weight off his shoulders and to see him happy and carefree and settled and at-ease.

I know, I need to pull myself together but my life has turned into a real-life nightmare.

To me the simple solution is for your boyfriend to purchase a home with the money that he has saved, if he really has £60k saved and a job then he 'should' theoretically be able to purchase somewhere

You could even add your £10 to his £60k, using your £5k for the legal fees though getting a legal document to protect your £10k in the event of a split. If you are so desperate to move, purchase a flat in a nice but cheap area.

If your boyfriend works from home and you are unemployed, then you are not stuck with a particular location that you need to live in so should have a lot of choice still

The relationship seems so unbalanced, yes you need to keep looking for a job, are you accessing any unemployment benefits at the moment? Are you getting support to look for jobs from a work coach?

I fear that your boyfriend isn't as committed as you believe him to be, he is happy to hang onto his own savings whilst having clear plans for yours!

I think at the heart of it is the feeling that no progress is being made, eg no wedding, house or baby etc, however the saying where there's a will there's a way is often true!

Buy that cheaper flat with his deposit which improves your current living situation, keep job hunting and have a registry wedding and pub/ restaurant reception until you can celebrate the way that you want

Start trying for a baby as you don't know how long it will take to get pregnant, others have started their families in less than perfect situations which later improve

Your lack of job may be being used as a smoke screen for the deeper issues re lack of commitment, after all if you had a child and were a stay at home parent or on maternity leave, would that stop you from progressing with your life?

Should I go to a family party next month with like 16 people which will be my grandma's birthday party which has been rescheduled?

I just feel in a terrible place mentally and I feel drained and exasperated when I think about having to go and having to travel. It feels too much. I don't feel like myself at the moment, I am completely burnt and stressed out. Mentally, I'm not even present its like I'm 5 years into the future. I don't want to be around other people even family, I'm so sorry but these are my true feelings right now, its nothing personal. I hope that they will change in the future.

I went to visit and stay with my parents a few weeks ago and I just felt off the whole time. I felt so irritable, claustrophobic and agitated, it's not like me at all. I just couldn't wait to leave and get back to my own home and have my own space. I have so much hanging and looming over me that I had no desire to go in the first place and I knew I shouldn't have gone but it was my mums idea and she insisted that I go to stay with her and my dad.

I will feel so guilty for not going as I don't have any excuse as I'm not working and I've even told my parents that me and my boyfriend can't afford to go away or go on any holidays all summer. My mum keeps on telling me that my grandma really wants to and is desperate to see me.

I don't want to have the same conversations about my living situation, moving, my relationship that I had at christmas. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and humiliated and weird that me and my boyfriend are still so stuck, its like we've fallen into a black hole all because of me. I feel like a special, selfish, horrible, incompetent, freak.

I want to be thriving and happy and to feel light and upbeat - I don't want to be living a life where I'm having such unhealthy thoughts and overthinking everything even a family birthday party, its awful. i feel so mean. ive not responded in three days now if im going or not.

I don't want to make myself do things that I don't feel like doing as I don't feel like its fair and i feel like i should look out for myself, but I can't give any excuse and it feels really mean. i think my mum would be hurt and dissapointed if i tell her im not going.

Ok guys, i feel i can breathe today.

They money i have left is actually £33k

i feel so much lighter now

its still a loss and nearly half is gone which i told my boyfriend, but i feel so much better for checking

i am trying to tell myself that i have just won that much money in the lottery or a competition or something

i'm going to try and be very strict with my spending and managing money now
i am going to check my bank accounts and transactions every day
i need to safeguard this money more than anything
i cant bare the thought of it going down

Well done for checking. I hope you feel ok to go and see your Grandma. I really think you need to discuss your anxiety with a doctor/mental health professional.

It sounds like you've had a really tough time but I can't see for the life of me why your boyfriend hasn't been supporting you more (financially) while you've been unemployed. You're a team aren't you? Why have you been dipping into savings + why is he surprised that you have been? It doesn't sound like much of a partnership

You sound exceptionally focused on the money. Most people at 31 don’t have anywhere near that amount in savings. Your priority needs to be working - work is good for mental health, it’s a distraction and a focus and improves self esteem and confidence. Work is priority right now not savings or relationships. Most of my friends had their first children older than you. That can wait.

This! How can he surprised that your savings have gone down when you're unemployed and he's not paying your rent?