Devastated with my life at age 31

[67666d]

I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm completely exasperated and I'm turning into an irritable person. I never thought I would be an irritable person. I can't cope with anything anymore. I never imagined that I'd be so unhappy at my age of 31. I don't want this life anymore.

I've been unemployed for 10 months and I've been living off of the money I inherited from my grandparents (I had savings of £60,000 and I believe they have now gone down to £15,000). I feel so devastated and so ashamed. I can't even bring myself to check my bank accounts because I know that it will kill me and shake me to the core. I haven't spent the money on anything substantial or worthwhile, I don't know what its gone on but its gone on me treating myself to things and driving lessons with different instructors that have led to nothing. I haven't had any self control with the money and I've been dipping into it without a care for years.

I wasn't progressing with the driving lessons and the driving instructor basically told me that he didn't think I should carry on with the lessons and that he didn't want to keep taking my money when he thought I wouldn't get anywhere. Its really knocked and shaken my confidence.

The money was supposed to be for my future, for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was supposed to be used for us to buy our first home.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Its sickening. I don't want access to the money anymore, I want to cut off all of my access to it. But, I need to pay rent which means I need to pay £800 a month. My savings will probably run out on rent unless I find a job to cover it. You cannot imagine the devastation of my life.

He found out about the money last night, when he asked me about it and I told him that half of the money has already gone. The reality is that even more than half of it has gone. It will kill me to have to tell him. We were out at a pub and were planning to go to a nearby restaurant to get dinner after we had finished our drinks. Well, my boyfriend asked me about the money and you know I told him that half of it has gone. It was very painful. He told me that he felt sick as in it made him sick to hear how much was gone. He told me that I should move back in with my parents and sort myself out. My boyfriend told me how unhappy he is and how he has been waiting for me to find a job for 10 months, how I haven't tried hard enough with the time I've had. The conversation got harder and harder and more and more painful... he said that things are always about me which is true and that he's tired of things always been about me, he said he feels that he doesn't have anybody to look out for him or encourage him or motivate him. He works so hard and has struggled with his mental health. It broke my heart to hear this. We finished our drinks and we were both very drained and upset, my boyfriend said he wanted to get the train home, my boyfriend was crying on the train home. It was the worst day of my life. We got home and he got straight into bed and I could hear him crying in bed. I didn't feel I could comfort him as I've caused all of this. Neither of us had anything for dinner and it was horrible- I still feel weak and out of sorts today.

I've been looking for a job half-heartedly (to be completely honest), I've started to try in the past month. I know its really shameful. I found looking at jobs to be overwhelming as I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don't have any qualifications, no degree or anything and my previous work experience only means I could only look at low paid jobs. I just feel so undesirable and so unfulfilled. I can't see these type of jobs lead me to any of the goals I have... like I want to have a family with my boyfriend. We've been together for 12 years and I'm 31 going on 32. I went through an abortion five years ago and it still fills me with grief, torment and pain. I will probably need fertility treatment as well, given that I'm nearly 32 and I have no idea when we will even be able to try for our first child.

We also have a massive issue with our next door neighbour, it is completely unbearable. We can hear her all of the time, she is so overbearing and so loud. She doesn't go out to work and is in our shared garden all day long. She sits outside our windows and talks as loudly as she can on speakerphone, or talks with her husband or talks with anybody coming through the garden. My boyfriend blasts music to drown out the sound of her. My boyfriend has been telling me that he is desperate to move and that he hates living here because of her. He also works from home and he can't open his office window because she sits directly below it in the garden, so he works all through the summer with his window closed. It's unbearable, its making him angry and how can I blame him when he's been waiting for such a long time. We CAN'T move now because I don't have a job and because we don't want to be able to buy somewhere. We have been renting for all of our lives and don't want to have to rent again.

I feel so guilty that I've not tried harder and that I've wasted so much time. The guilt could eat my alive.

I feel like I'm going completely mad. I'm so unsettled and things are so unstable.

My mum has messaged me today about a big family get together next month, for my grandmas birthday and she wants me to let her know if I'm going. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough place to be around people when I'm so devastated with where I am in life at age 31. I felt like I was going to flip out when I saw the message. I've just gotten back from visiting family and I don't feel I was in the right state of mind to visit. Then again if I don't go, I'll end up feeling guilty and they will know that any excuse I make is a lie as I'm unemployed and have all of the free time in the world. I feel like such a terrible and conflicted person, it's exhausting. I want to be to type of person that makes other people feel proud.

You’ve got loads in savings and together you and your bf have £90k? That’s more than enough to get a house together. I think you need to lower your expectations re career and simply get an entry level job. That is where you are at and that fine. You can progress a step up the career ladder every 1-2 years if you’re committed. But you need to accept starting at the bottom and go from there.

It's a naff phrase but you've got to "protect your peace" first and foremost. I opened the thread and couldn't believe what I was reading; on a bad day my response would have been almost identical to yours (different experience, similar emotions) and I've fallen into that trap before of getting angry at people who aren't ready for that dose of perspective yet - all it does is cause us pain.

Wishing you all the best ❤️

Yep, that was triggering for me too and has made me feel yet even more alone

You need to take a huge step back and a huge deep breath.

Accept that you are worried about your fertility, but also accept that those worries will not be solved overnight, and that you have no evidence for your worries right now, and no control over this particular worry.

Control what you can control. What can you do in the short term and medium term? That's been discussed in the thread already; the work situation and the financial situation are things that you can get some kind of control over. You'll never take everything from how you feel now to "absolutely amazing, couldn't be better, ready for a baby" in one fell swoop - you're going to have to work at it incrementally, but see every little bit of work you do as progress towards your overall goal.

Take care of yourself OP, you sound really down. I have sympathies as I am emerging from having had a difficult year of poor mental health. And it is so easy to get stuck in a rut, even if you have good reasons. Essentially you need to find a way of forgiving yourself, drawing a line and saying 'what's done is done', and taking baby steps to improve the situation and take control again and you will start to feel better about yourself again. 31 is really quite young.

I do understand the post-spending regrets, but what you need to understand is that it is a worthless emotion. It won't help you to get better, or get a job, or magically make the money reappear in your account. So,try to move on from that.

First and foremost, you need a job. You live in London, there is no shortage of jobs. There will be jobs you can start tomorrow. They will not be amazing jobs, but they will give you an income, and stop you sitting at home ruminating.

Just get yourself a job. Then start to solve your other problems, bit by bit. But get out of the house and go back to work first.

I suggest you take 3 steps to start with:

1. Go to the GP to talk about your mental health
2. Get a job ASAP. Any job. It does not matter what. You need to get money coming in because savings do go down very quickly if you are not working.
3. Ditch the driving lessons. You live in London and at the moment you do not need to drive and you certainly don't need the expense of a car. Driving lessons are very stressful and they are very expensive. You can't afford them at the moment because you have no income. You can revisit the driving issue at a later date when you are feeling more stable and have a stable income

So…why didn’t you do that?

I had some sympathy for you before reading your litany of excuses about how you couldn’t find a house with a garden to float around in and grow into - you live in London. Pretty much everyone has to compromise when buying property in London (myself included). Either accept what you can afford or move somewhere cheaper.

If I was your boyfriend my patience would be wearing incredibly thin by now. Have you gone to the doctor about your depression? Have you done anything at all in the past 10 months towards getting a job, any job?

I’ve been depressed, suicidally so. I know what it feels like to be trapped in the groundhog day of misery, wanting things to chance but having no strength to begin. The difference was I didn’t have a partner so had no choice but to work. I had a period of unemployment which absolutely made me sink further, and forcing myself to apply for jobs was the only route out of it (that and antidepressants). Only you can turn your life around but you need to try, and you need to want to try.

I would speak to your family.
If my adult child was in your position I would want them to come home and start again. My number one concern about them all the time is their health. If they are alive then anything else can be worked through.
I lived with my mum with my 2 kids in tow for 6 months when I was 30. I didn't pay any rent as I was picking myself back up after a difficult time. There is no shame in it.

You have used the money to live off. Also, I sympathise about the driving. I failed my test 4 times and gave up. I had to start again when I needed a driving licence for a job offer. I got a female driving instructor as I just wasn't getting it before. The female driving instructor helped a lot and I passed 5th time so it's something you could think about in the future.

You’re lying about wanting a job. You are ignoring every suggestion about getting into work, any work.

You could have applied for numerous jobs in the time this thread has been running.

Stop moaning and find some work.

I'm not buying this thread at all.

OP, I think deep down the problem lies with all the uncertainty of not knowing where both your lives are heading and considering this is a 12 year relationship surely he must know by now!

You need to have an open and honest conversation with him and ask what he wants out of this relationship. Is he wanting to get married one day, does he definitely want kids (if so what time frame is that), does he want to get a mortgage with you? You tell him what you want out of this too!

I worry that your lack of motivation is putting him off wanting to start thinking of these plans. You need to make some huge changes to your life. (I'm sorry if that is tough to hear but please know I mean well and I'd say the same to a friend).

I agree with everyone saying you need to start looking for a job, I understand 10 months out of work is daunting but once you get back into work you'll meet new people and this opens life to new avenues! Also will mean no more dipping into your savings. Meaning a nice treat every now and again and saving for a holiday can be achievable. Anything will do for now, waitressing, retail, admin etc..

I'm so sorry to hear that you regret your abortion. It sounds like he put you in a really tough position. (If it was me I'm not sure if I could forgive him..) Please seek some help from a therapist. It must be so hard.

Hoping all works out for you 💐 Life WILL get better but you need to make the changes for it to happen xx

Just this ^^
Perfectly summed up.

I’m an immigrant, self employed, 9 years in this country, run my own business, no children, no boyfriend or husband to support me, no cushy inheritance. With brexit and the pandemic all the European immigrants left, business owners have been struggling to find workers in retail, hospitality, factories etc… You’re a young English national and I’m having trouble believing you haven’t been able to find a job in 10 months.

You need to snap out of that rabbit hole of self pity and negativity, unless of course yours is a MH problem and you’re depressed, which you may need to pay a visit to the GP.

This is the sort of thing I would have done at certain points in my life. I suffer really badly from getting overwhelmed easily with thoughts of how much there is to do that I go into a doom spiral and do nothing. E.g. at the moment my garden is an absolute mess because there is so much to do I haven't done any of it. I know that is nothing like on the scale of your issues but I think it comes from the same place. Its not that I don't care - its that I feel really guilty for not doing what I am meant to so I associate the job with negative feelings and avoid doing it all together. Small things as well like birthday presents - it goes "oh god, I'm so awful I should have sent it by now, now it might not reach them in time, -doesn't send present- Oh now it definitely won't arrive I'm awful - doesn't send present - Oh no now its their birthday they are going to be so mad I didn't send the present I'm evil - Avoids even ringing to wish friend happy birthday - I'm the worst person ever etc etc"

I am a lot better now. A lot better. But you have to break the negative cycle of thinking - which takes time - and break the association between the jobs themselves and your negative feelings. So, looking for a job is not connected to how awful you are as a person (you are not but what I mean is find a way to wall of the job from how you feel about yourself in your mind).

I would actually look for an interim job like waitressing/in a shop/stacking shelves. Actually a job stacking shelves might be really helpful short term because its physical work and its made up of small tasks that get finished. That will help your confidence and feel more in control.

I also find its really helpful to break every job up and write lists - and cross of the list when its done. so not "get job", but "search online", "apply to X". Also a while ago I had therapy for anxiety and we did the Circle of Control. Its cheesy but it really helped!

Sorry for the massive essay above! its just that your thought process sounded so familiar!

Look, ethnicity or nationality has nothing to do with being offered a job.

I have received a rejection for nearly every single job I've applied for. Most of the time I get a rejection email the next day. I have spent hours writing and perfecting cover letters, only to be ghosted by the company and to not even hear a word back about my application months later. Ok, my school grades are not at all impressive and they are below average, I don't have any in-demand or valuable skills or work experience.

I don't feel like I'm getting any sort of leg-up for being an english national and having being born in this country. Not that I believe that that is what I should be getting. But, please believe me when I say that it makes no difference to a job search. If you think things are easier for me because of my nationality, then you are completely completely mistaken.

@67666d Look, ethnicity or nationality has nothing to do with being offered a job.

This proves me you’re incredibly naive OP.

Thank you so much. Your thought processes sound so relatable to mine, and I'm so sorry that you've experienced something similar.

You're right I need to see getting a job as something separate from my suffering and box it off on it's own.

Please don't get overwhelmed by your garden. It's actually a good thing that you've realised it's in a mess. The first step to solving a problem is recognising a problem. Try to set a goal of changing/improving one thing in your garden and put all of your focus into that to avoid getting overwhelmed.

Yes. And thanks for what you said about the garden. But I will say 10 years ago I would have felt crippling shame about it and the fact that the neighbours that overlook it have to look at it. And thinking about how awful the garden was would have started to swamp other areas of my life as well so the house would start to get messy too, the washing up wouldn't be done because it would mean looking at the horrible garden as it built up. It sounds absolutely ridiculous written down. But now I know the garden needs doing. I can and will get down to it and I do feel bad about the weeds. But I have a handle on the guilt, and its under control. It isn't taking over and making me horribly depressed. A normal amount of guilt can be a good motivating factor but I think in my (or your) case it gets so overwhelming it stops me doing anything. A kick up the bum can be good sometimes but I don't think reading other posts saying how lazy you are and agreeing will help in your case.

I do need to get the garden sorted though. And actually replying to your thread (and your post) has made me think I will at least get the worst of the weeds up this evening. :)

I will always be somewhat disorganised but at least I don't feel like a character in a really depressing Russian play anymore.

I'm doing a bit better today and yesterday guys and I'm feeling a bit brighter in myself. This thread has helped to nudge me into a better place and has helped me to gain a bit of motivation back. I really appreciate having people to talk to and confide in.

I know that it will sound pathetic to you guys, but I've had a good day.

I went on a 1 hour 40 minute walk, I wasn't feeling quite right this morning and I knew I needed to take myself out of the house for a bit. I wasn't planning to take such a long walk, but I felt it was helping me and it was so nice to be out and about. A walk is an essential thing.

I've made a volunteer profile on a volunteering website and I've sent an email to enquire about a volunteering position near me.

I'm checking on my money on a daily basis now by logging into my bank accounts.

Yesterday, a recruiter called me and I picked up the phone and spoke to her (sadly I have been avoiding answering any phone calls for the last month). She has put me forward for a position.

I've meditated for six days in a row (today was the sixth time). I'm doing a productivity meditation course. I am so pleased about being consistent.

I've got an appointment at the job centre on monday for starting jsa, so its a big relief to know that soon I will have some money coming in (even if it is not a massive amount)

I've still got massive problems and massive way to go, but this is the best I've felt in a long time.

You are probably all sick of me and my problems by now, but thank you for the continuous replies and help.

Well done for going on a walk. A walk just does something to one’s mind but I can’t describe what !

Its not some big amazing buzz but things always seem more manageable afterwards!

Those are all really positive things, and they aren't small achievements at all. Especially building up the good habits like checking your banking and meditating. And the JSA and the volunteering and the possible lead from the recruiter are all really concrete things.

I've still got massive problems and massive way to go, but this is the best I've felt in a long time. -- You haven't murdered anyone or stripped naked on the Channel four news or anything. It could be worse.

Well done you. These are all big steps in a really positive direction - you are allowed to feel proud of what you've achieved today, and you should! 😊

I'm not working at the moment but I used to be involved in recruiting and training at an old workplace. I can't offer professional-level careers help but if you ever want any interview prep & tips, drop me a PM. I'm a total nerd for that kind of thing and love it 🤣

Well done OP.

You've done good, in fact the only thing I would caution is don't try to change everything all at once ! Micro habits like answering the phone instead of letting it go to voicemail, daily meditations and a short walk each day are amazing.