Devastated with my life at age 31

[67666d]

I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm completely exasperated and I'm turning into an irritable person. I never thought I would be an irritable person. I can't cope with anything anymore. I never imagined that I'd be so unhappy at my age of 31. I don't want this life anymore.

I've been unemployed for 10 months and I've been living off of the money I inherited from my grandparents (I had savings of £60,000 and I believe they have now gone down to £15,000). I feel so devastated and so ashamed. I can't even bring myself to check my bank accounts because I know that it will kill me and shake me to the core. I haven't spent the money on anything substantial or worthwhile, I don't know what its gone on but its gone on me treating myself to things and driving lessons with different instructors that have led to nothing. I haven't had any self control with the money and I've been dipping into it without a care for years.

I wasn't progressing with the driving lessons and the driving instructor basically told me that he didn't think I should carry on with the lessons and that he didn't want to keep taking my money when he thought I wouldn't get anywhere. Its really knocked and shaken my confidence.

The money was supposed to be for my future, for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was supposed to be used for us to buy our first home.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Its sickening. I don't want access to the money anymore, I want to cut off all of my access to it. But, I need to pay rent which means I need to pay £800 a month. My savings will probably run out on rent unless I find a job to cover it. You cannot imagine the devastation of my life.

He found out about the money last night, when he asked me about it and I told him that half of the money has already gone. The reality is that even more than half of it has gone. It will kill me to have to tell him. We were out at a pub and were planning to go to a nearby restaurant to get dinner after we had finished our drinks. Well, my boyfriend asked me about the money and you know I told him that half of it has gone. It was very painful. He told me that he felt sick as in it made him sick to hear how much was gone. He told me that I should move back in with my parents and sort myself out. My boyfriend told me how unhappy he is and how he has been waiting for me to find a job for 10 months, how I haven't tried hard enough with the time I've had. The conversation got harder and harder and more and more painful... he said that things are always about me which is true and that he's tired of things always been about me, he said he feels that he doesn't have anybody to look out for him or encourage him or motivate him. He works so hard and has struggled with his mental health. It broke my heart to hear this. We finished our drinks and we were both very drained and upset, my boyfriend said he wanted to get the train home, my boyfriend was crying on the train home. It was the worst day of my life. We got home and he got straight into bed and I could hear him crying in bed. I didn't feel I could comfort him as I've caused all of this. Neither of us had anything for dinner and it was horrible- I still feel weak and out of sorts today.

I've been looking for a job half-heartedly (to be completely honest), I've started to try in the past month. I know its really shameful. I found looking at jobs to be overwhelming as I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don't have any qualifications, no degree or anything and my previous work experience only means I could only look at low paid jobs. I just feel so undesirable and so unfulfilled. I can't see these type of jobs lead me to any of the goals I have... like I want to have a family with my boyfriend. We've been together for 12 years and I'm 31 going on 32. I went through an abortion five years ago and it still fills me with grief, torment and pain. I will probably need fertility treatment as well, given that I'm nearly 32 and I have no idea when we will even be able to try for our first child.

We also have a massive issue with our next door neighbour, it is completely unbearable. We can hear her all of the time, she is so overbearing and so loud. She doesn't go out to work and is in our shared garden all day long. She sits outside our windows and talks as loudly as she can on speakerphone, or talks with her husband or talks with anybody coming through the garden. My boyfriend blasts music to drown out the sound of her. My boyfriend has been telling me that he is desperate to move and that he hates living here because of her. He also works from home and he can't open his office window because she sits directly below it in the garden, so he works all through the summer with his window closed. It's unbearable, its making him angry and how can I blame him when he's been waiting for such a long time. We CAN'T move now because I don't have a job and because we don't want to be able to buy somewhere. We have been renting for all of our lives and don't want to have to rent again.

I feel so guilty that I've not tried harder and that I've wasted so much time. The guilt could eat my alive.

I feel like I'm going completely mad. I'm so unsettled and things are so unstable.

My mum has messaged me today about a big family get together next month, for my grandmas birthday and she wants me to let her know if I'm going. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough place to be around people when I'm so devastated with where I am in life at age 31. I felt like I was going to flip out when I saw the message. I've just gotten back from visiting family and I don't feel I was in the right state of mind to visit. Then again if I don't go, I'll end up feeling guilty and they will know that any excuse I make is a lie as I'm unemployed and have all of the free time in the world. I feel like such a terrible and conflicted person, it's exhausting. I want to be to type of person that makes other people feel proud.

i'd love to take the pressure of myself, i love for me and my boyfriend to be calm and content with where we are at in our lives. that feels a million light years away. its devastating. he is a fantastic person and i want to see him happy, thriving and settled in life more than anything.

Yes, the money is great, and i will do everything in my power to safeguard it from now on- i am checking my bank accounts everyday, but i am so sad that i've blown 27k (i don't even know what it's gone on - i haven't even made any big purchases over the years other than a mackbook and a £190 full lenght mirror for my bedroom. i really DO wish i had more to show for the money i've lost, an experience even i could have gone travelling 😪

OP I really feel for you. In my early 30s I had a fairly major mental health collapse which it sounds to me like you are alap going through - people are berating you to get off your arse and sort your life out, but I know from personal experience that it's not that easy when you're overwhelmed and feel like everything in your life is off track. For what it's worth, I was also terrible with money and frittered away a similar amount (also gifted by grandparents) on general living expenses.

You just need to start taking baby steps. A job will be good for your self esteem and general motivation. Also, do you exercise? Could you build something into your week that's free or low cost, like running or outdoor swimming? This will help boost your endorphins and improve how you feel about yourself, mentally and physically.

Above all else though, please consider speaking to your gp about your low mood, and think about trying antidepressants. They worked wonders for me. Good luck and please stop beating yourself up x

i've had the money for 3 years actually, and i've been spending it since then. i would go into my overdraft each month when working and justify myself spending money as "treats for myself" or "me living life". i think i justified me spending money as helping me to feel more like myself or more like the person i want to be or something like that, i also justified it because i was working full-time and spending like 3 hours a day commuting. but it didn't realise, the money would have served me much better if i'd have left it to gain interest. i wish somebody had locked the money away from me. i probably would have like 70k now. 😳

i don't know what i spent it on at all to be honest - driving lessons are probably number 1 - i've been with 3 teachers. i did private therapy for months too. a new macbook laptop (it wasn't even the latest model or anything), a full-length mirror (like £190), new winter coat, new winter boots, new clothes occasionally, groceries (i like buying food 😊) - those are the biggest things i can think of 😳😰.... oh and RENT of course.... I've spent like £8k of it on rent since being unemployed.

I don't even have anything to show for the 27k, its shocking.

i'm getting good interest on the money i have left now.

Yes, i had the abortion five years ago too which never goes away and feels like a massive hole if my life

i've always wanted children/a child and somebody at work told me once i would have make a lovely mum

i've been thinking about children for a long time since i've been in the relationship for like 12 years.

What was your last job?

Medical records administrator - my yearly salary was only like £21k

It's really not too late. I didn't have my children until my late 30s (didn't even meet my partner until 33, so you're ahead of me there). You have so much time ahead of you but you really need to nurture yourself first.

You're boyfriend sounds useless tbh. I mean where on earth did he think you were getting £800 a month from for your joint bills when you had no job? He must have known you were using your savings so to have a go at you 10 months later about spending your own inheritance and crying all the way home on the train (really 🙄) is quite frankly ridiculous.

You're actually in a great position. Not many people your age have 30k savings. You really want to travel so now sounds like the best time. No job ties, a rented flat you want to move away from and plenty of savings to do it. Just start planning and go. Me and my bf backpacked round the world for 12 months. Just saved and went and had a fraction of your 30k. They were the best times of our lives.
And ffs just go to your grandmother's party. Don't overthink it. Just go. She will want you there any you will enjoy it.

Ask gp to refer you to a counsellor
Or spend some money on a life coach
It is in your hands
Ditch the boyfriend

i know but i've spent 27k, its a WHOLE lot more than only 10 months in rent.

i would love to spend money, but i just can't allow myself to use my savings on anything else now

i had a new driving instructor booked for this week (automatic) but when i really thought about it i just couldn't go ahead and take more money out of my savings for the lessons, so i had to cancel the first lesson

i know what you mean, but in my head it just already feels too late - i've waited 12 years already, i see myself looking older in the mirror, my periods are much lighter than they used to be. i've always wanted children and i didn't want to leave it THIS long, it feels like too much of a risk to me. i thought my boyfriend would compromise (as i went through the abortion) five years ago but then again how is it fair to ask him to do that when i'm unemployed and wasting savings. sadly, i'm living in a world thats not my own.

i was dreading my 30th birthday, dreading my 31st birthday and now i'm dreading my 32nd birthday.

You need help, talk to your GP about how you are mentally l, get a job, any job, cleaning toilets if necessary. Can you talk to your mum about your situation and how you are feeling? Does your boyfriend know how bad you feel?

OP it seems as if your ideas about what would be a decent salary and what would be a respectable job are paralyzing you and holding you back from getting back into work. You're unlikely to walk straight into a high flying highly paid position right now but that's okay. I think you'll find if you start a new job and engage with it and throw yourself into it, whatever it is and however much or little it pays, you would get out of this rut, get money coming in and start to see what other possibilities there are for you out there. I wonder if you have perfectionist tendancies? As that way of thinking can prevent you from trying things or taking risks on something that at first seems perhaps not what you would choose in an ideal world. Your partner doesn't need you to be perfect or making big bucks in an impressive career, he just needs you to contribute financially.
I agree with PP that you seem depressed and anxious so it can be hard to get out of a negative frame of mind and for things to feel possible. But it is certainly not too late! Try to think that you can only go up from here. Onwards and upwards, try not to dwell on your perceived mistakes. If lists are helpful to you, try to make one with your goals and break it down into next steps so it feels more manageable.
And I just want to say that you are a valuable person and deserving of respect from others and from yourself no matter what you have done or what you are or are not achieving currently.

I originally intended to do a home-workout once a week in the morning as my main weekly thing and then if i had done that i would do youtube yoga classes one other mornings of the week as a treat. Doing the main workout really helped my body to feel in check and increased my flexibility etc, after that i felt set-up to do other forms of exercise like yoga and swimming.

i haven't kept up with doing a home-workout once a week, i can't keep on top of anything right now. it's sad because i have no commitments and all of the free-time in the world. i want to do better and manage my time well, at least whilst i'm free like this, i just don't know why its gotten so hard.

Two possibilities

1. do you really want to stay with your boyfriend. I'm not sure he's making you happy. Maybe you'd be better to make some massive changes and go and live with your mum and retrain

2,) while you are in between jobs, get pregnant and have a baby and then let the rest of life sort itself afterwards

Yes, i do want to stay with him. i want things to workout for us. that is what i'm realising more and more.

and yes i can't deny it i'd like to have a baby sooner rather than later (or start trying in the next year or two years at least) - it just feels so unbelievably hard when you have no timeframe for anything and you know you've wanted something for such a long time. it gets harder and harder with each christmas that passes by, each summer that passes by - it feels too hard sometimes.

That sounds like it could be a positive for you if you can build it back into your week again. I would suggest though, that exercise which gets you out of the house and into the fresh air, or at least a change of scenery, could be more beneficial to you mental health, although that completely depends on where you live of course.

I want to really gently ask you to think about whether bringing a child into your life, and your relationship, is really a good idea while you're feeling like this. Raising children - and especially dealing with a newborn - requires you to dig deep into resources that you're not able to access right now. Please believe posters telling you you've got so much time still, and delay this until you're in a better place. I don't mean with a career necessarily, but in a place where you feel better about yourself and the shape your life is in. Children don't fix problems, on the whole.

I would firstly book a GP appointment for your mental health.

I'd go to the birthday party. Appreciate you may very well not enjoy it and find the idea unpleasant. However, it's not really about you it's about your relative and making her happy because it's her birthday. I would go and just focus on helping her to have a good time.

I would also try really hard to do a gentle workout each day. I've just started a 30 day yoga thing on YouTube after not exercising for a few years and I already feel a bit better after just a few days.

And yes find any job, just get a job, go to work each day, earn a bit of cash.

Maybe you can move away from your awful neighbour and rent somewhere cheaper, or maybe your boyfriend can buy a place with his deposit and you can contribute to the mortgage or moving costs or whatever. Sounds like he really needs to move.

I'm 38 and have quite a lot of friends my age planning to have kids who haven't yet. You're still pretty young.

Good luck to you.

This sounds like a proper pity party, you need to stop and just get on and do stuff, you keep saying you feel bad for how you are, but you’re not exactly doing anything about it.

go to thr party and start applying for jobs immediately. It is time to stop now op. This minute. Or you will lose a lot more than 27k.

Put 32k in premium bonds - you can't access it as easily as just transferring and you might win something back.

Keep a thousand to tide you over and get out there and start applying. When your life has some structure you may feel less overwhelmed by everything, it's bloody hard when the days stretch into one.

The boyfriend probably thought they’d combine their savings! How would you feel if your DP had frittered most of their savings while you had been working hard for? Honestly, if OP was a man and it was his DP posting here, people would say get rid.

And what sort of advice is it to tell her the relationship is unbalanced and that the boyfriend sounds selfish, yet tell her to start trying for a baby?

yes, he did think that. they could have been used for home renovations, a new bathroom, kitchen etc. they could have been used to better his life as well. he asked me again today about them when he saw i was writing about savings accounts on my laptop , i told him that £33k was left. he said that it was very scary, i agree its petrifying to think about how much money has disappeared and its even more petrifying when it affects another person

Hi op just wanted to reach out to you as you sound desperate. Please remember that money isn’t everything ,ok you have spent your savings but so what ? I recently spent a huge chunk of savings on medical treatments that didn’t work. I feel down about it sometimes when I think of what I could have spent the money on. However, I don’t mean to sound flippant but you could get run over by a bus tomorrow and you cannot take the savings with you if that happens. That’s what I try to remember when I think about it. There are loads of jobs in certain areas such as healthcare and retail at the moment. Is this something you could think about doing ? You are so young at 31 to be feeling this way.

Ok, deep breath. Here’s what you need to do.

Make an appt with the gp to discuss your mental health.

Sign on for new style jobseekers. It’s contributions based so won’t be affect by your savings or your partner’s earnings. https://www.gov.uk/guidance/new-style-jobseekers-allowance

Update your CV and apply for apply for any job you can do. Anything at all, you just need something for now and can then worry about a better job. Register with some agencies and be persistent. They will have admin work.

You can do this!