Devastated with my life at age 31

[67666d]

I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm completely exasperated and I'm turning into an irritable person. I never thought I would be an irritable person. I can't cope with anything anymore. I never imagined that I'd be so unhappy at my age of 31. I don't want this life anymore.

I've been unemployed for 10 months and I've been living off of the money I inherited from my grandparents (I had savings of £60,000 and I believe they have now gone down to £15,000). I feel so devastated and so ashamed. I can't even bring myself to check my bank accounts because I know that it will kill me and shake me to the core. I haven't spent the money on anything substantial or worthwhile, I don't know what its gone on but its gone on me treating myself to things and driving lessons with different instructors that have led to nothing. I haven't had any self control with the money and I've been dipping into it without a care for years.

I wasn't progressing with the driving lessons and the driving instructor basically told me that he didn't think I should carry on with the lessons and that he didn't want to keep taking my money when he thought I wouldn't get anywhere. Its really knocked and shaken my confidence.

The money was supposed to be for my future, for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was supposed to be used for us to buy our first home.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Its sickening. I don't want access to the money anymore, I want to cut off all of my access to it. But, I need to pay rent which means I need to pay £800 a month. My savings will probably run out on rent unless I find a job to cover it. You cannot imagine the devastation of my life.

He found out about the money last night, when he asked me about it and I told him that half of the money has already gone. The reality is that even more than half of it has gone. It will kill me to have to tell him. We were out at a pub and were planning to go to a nearby restaurant to get dinner after we had finished our drinks. Well, my boyfriend asked me about the money and you know I told him that half of it has gone. It was very painful. He told me that he felt sick as in it made him sick to hear how much was gone. He told me that I should move back in with my parents and sort myself out. My boyfriend told me how unhappy he is and how he has been waiting for me to find a job for 10 months, how I haven't tried hard enough with the time I've had. The conversation got harder and harder and more and more painful... he said that things are always about me which is true and that he's tired of things always been about me, he said he feels that he doesn't have anybody to look out for him or encourage him or motivate him. He works so hard and has struggled with his mental health. It broke my heart to hear this. We finished our drinks and we were both very drained and upset, my boyfriend said he wanted to get the train home, my boyfriend was crying on the train home. It was the worst day of my life. We got home and he got straight into bed and I could hear him crying in bed. I didn't feel I could comfort him as I've caused all of this. Neither of us had anything for dinner and it was horrible- I still feel weak and out of sorts today.

I've been looking for a job half-heartedly (to be completely honest), I've started to try in the past month. I know its really shameful. I found looking at jobs to be overwhelming as I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don't have any qualifications, no degree or anything and my previous work experience only means I could only look at low paid jobs. I just feel so undesirable and so unfulfilled. I can't see these type of jobs lead me to any of the goals I have... like I want to have a family with my boyfriend. We've been together for 12 years and I'm 31 going on 32. I went through an abortion five years ago and it still fills me with grief, torment and pain. I will probably need fertility treatment as well, given that I'm nearly 32 and I have no idea when we will even be able to try for our first child.

We also have a massive issue with our next door neighbour, it is completely unbearable. We can hear her all of the time, she is so overbearing and so loud. She doesn't go out to work and is in our shared garden all day long. She sits outside our windows and talks as loudly as she can on speakerphone, or talks with her husband or talks with anybody coming through the garden. My boyfriend blasts music to drown out the sound of her. My boyfriend has been telling me that he is desperate to move and that he hates living here because of her. He also works from home and he can't open his office window because she sits directly below it in the garden, so he works all through the summer with his window closed. It's unbearable, its making him angry and how can I blame him when he's been waiting for such a long time. We CAN'T move now because I don't have a job and because we don't want to be able to buy somewhere. We have been renting for all of our lives and don't want to have to rent again.

I feel so guilty that I've not tried harder and that I've wasted so much time. The guilt could eat my alive.

I feel like I'm going completely mad. I'm so unsettled and things are so unstable.

My mum has messaged me today about a big family get together next month, for my grandmas birthday and she wants me to let her know if I'm going. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough place to be around people when I'm so devastated with where I am in life at age 31. I felt like I was going to flip out when I saw the message. I've just gotten back from visiting family and I don't feel I was in the right state of mind to visit. Then again if I don't go, I'll end up feeling guilty and they will know that any excuse I make is a lie as I'm unemployed and have all of the free time in the world. I feel like such a terrible and conflicted person, it's exhausting. I want to be to type of person that makes other people feel proud.

Look, i've been unemployed for 10 months. i have barely tried to get a job.

i transfer £800 into our joint account each month for rent, groceries and he transfers like £1,500

on top of that he pays our internet and council tax.

This is going to be harsh & I apologise, but I think you need to hear it.

Get a job. ANY job. Get some money coming in. Ofcourse your mental health is suffering because your doing sweet FA, feeling sorry for yourself!

You are 31, old enough to know what to do to turn this around. I'm concerned you don't really want a job, but it's a must.

If you are really serious about not touching the rest of your savings then lock it away in a term deposit where you cannot access it. I think having this money has possibly equated to laziness on your part.

You can turn this around, you just have to WANT to.

Its just has felt so hard to be motivated to work when i know i won't be afford to afford and have no vision to afford things like

• a car
• petrol
• car insurance
• to rent/buy a house with a private garden
• childcare (for a future child)
• holidays (to pay for accommodation, flights etc)
• to save money each month

a job has felt so bleak financially

with the salary of my previous job which was like £1350, it was less than our current rent which is £1,375

something just feels really wrong and cruel

i'd be quite happy to work knowing i could support myself and breathe and have a good, stable quality of life as a 31 year old.

sorry im ranting and this isn't exactly how i feel now, but it is how i have felt all year

Ok but you don’t have to pay the whole rent. £1300 is better than £0 which is what you currently are getting. Unless you’re claiming UC?

Well £1300 a month is better than zero isn’t it? What would happen when your savings run out? You need to get a job now, any job.

You are young enough to turn this around .

Any amount is better than zero, consider it an investment in protecting your future, or would you rather continue whittling it way. Tighten your belts for a few years. Do nice free things, like long walks together etc. we all started somewhere many of us with very little.

You don't sound too well OP.

Can you book a few sessions with a therapist at all?

Relieved for you OP.

Get that money tidied away where you can't easily get to it. Don't bloody touch it.

If you've £33K I'd take £3 thousand of it out to start you off. Don't bloody touch the rest. Fuck the car and the driving lessons for now. Buy a bike and get a job asap. Any job at all. Don't be proud. You need to be contributing to the household bills and saving away what little you can. Maybe speak to a financial advisor.

Turn it all around from now.

Good luck x

£2,300 for rent and groceries?
What do you eat?

Sounds like you’re depressed TBH.

Someone well would get literally any job and crack on with life!

Do you think you might be depressed? If so, maybe a doctors appointment might be a good idea to help move you forward.

You have lots of positives in life - savings, a boyfriend and family.

Perhaps setting some small targets - for instance, applying for a job this week - might help and give you some confidence and focus.

Well you’ve got even less chance of affording those with no job haven’t you?

get a job, any job, then work on progression, or moving to something else

I feel terrible, I told my mum I would get back to her to let her know if I was going to grandma's reschedule birthday party last Friday.

Well, I didn't get back to her and I still haven't, she has messaged me just now to ask if I've decided if I'm going to the party. I feel very very very inconsiderate and terrible.

I think subconsciously the reason I haven't got back to her is because I don't want to go or don't feel up for going.

I've known all along that I don't want to go or don't feel up for going, I feel completely drained by the idea and I don't want to have to travel again. It just feels like too much right now, I'm so sorry. i'm too stressed at the moment with being unemployed, the future, my relationship, the neighbour, where to live, careers, money. It's all unbearable and way too much. I'M TOO UNSETTLED TO ENJOY anything.

I don't think it's fair to make myself go to something when I just don't feel like myself and haven't for a few months now.

I don't have any excuse I can make since I'm unemployed and have no holidays or anything planned (no money to plan). I will feel so guility and terrible for not going, but i know that i need to make the right choice for me.

I know this is not an excuse but I spent christmas alone with (my mum, dad and grandma) - my sister didn't go because she was depressed and my boyfriend was spending christmas with his family abroad. I just don't feel good about keeping on attending family events without my boyfriend, i feel embarrassed or humiliated even, like half of me is missing or something.

in Ireland but there was a report here done on your generation (I’m 43) and happiness and a huge number of people said they were stressed daily about their work life balance and work situation. That’s not living. The list that you’re worried about, in the nicest possible way could you go without driving? If you’re in the right location you can get by without a car which is a pretty huge expense (and pain!) anyway! Don’t worry about savings for a child that hasn’t come yet, most of us have roses and dips in financial situation and it’s pretty impossible to have money ringfenced for children that won’t get spent on life- rent/mortgage/ house issues/ health etc.

op I used to watch and freak out over every penny too but at some stage you have to realise it doesn’t help as it just gets you in a chokehold. You don’t need to be frivolous but you have to live.

You need to talk to your bf again, rationally. He may have just been freaking out but as people said above of course money was spent- he had to have known it was coming out of that money and while he has worried, you sound like you’ve having a very rough time and he needs to be there for you too

I can't quite believe what I am reading. I am sorry that you had to go through an abortion, but honestly, you write as if your life is completely out of your own control. It's not. You need to get a job, any job, even a low paid one, and work your way up. You need to put your big girl pants on and go along to a family occasion where your relatives would like to see you. Stop navel gazing and thinking about yourself and your own feelings all the time. I know that may sound harsh but you're behaving like a princess.

Go and work in Superdrug, waitressing, the post office, whatever. It'll stop you spending money and you'll stop eating into your savings every month.

And go to the bloody party! You don't "need to put yourself first", you've been doing that for months. Now you need to think of your family and the enjoyment they will get from you being there. Don't let them down.

OP I'm the same age as you and I have about £3.28 in savings 🤣 Your life is really not the mess you think it is, you just need to sort it out. You've had 10 months of being lazy (which I don't mean as a judgement - if I came into enough money to cover a year of my salary I'd be tempted to take some time off to just chill and do nothing, too) but it's time to close the door on that and start getting back on track.

Beating yourself up is doing nothing but bury your head more deeply in the sand, you're going to work yourself up and make yourself overwhelmed and being overwhelmed will be how you tell yourself it's okay to take a few more days/weeks doing nothing until you get your head sorted. Then that deadline will come and you'll freak yourself out again and get to a point of being totally overwhelmed and will need a bit more time before really cracking on. It's a cycle, and it's one you have control over.

Stop using it as an excuse and stop letting anxiety control you. If you can't manage your anxiety on your own, speak to your GP. If you can't look for a job on your own, reach out to your local council and ask what help they have for getting people into work. If the thought of going to the party is overwhelming then tell your family you can't go and remove that stress factor so that cannot be used as an excuse any more.

You can turn this all around in literally a few weeks but you need to actually get up and do it.

I'm glad there's more money than you initially thought.
Did your boyfriend not wonder where your money was coming from for rent etc considering you haven't worked for 10 months? What did he think you were living on

no, he knew i was paying our rent with my savings. he wanted me to find a part time job as soon as i could so that im not using my savings for living expenses. he is sad and deflated. the situation is unbearable. he must be very disappointed in me, and i'm very disappointed in myself too. i wish MORE than anything in this life that i could have turned things around sooner for his sake and for the sake of both of our happiness. He told me once that if I wasn't going to be motivated to try for him and our relationship and our future, then I should at least try to be motivated to try for myself - it nearly killed me. I want him in my life more than anything. The guilt feels unbearable. I have already run out of time.

It sounds to me like you have fallen into a bit of a slump and you need to take active steps to build up your confidence. Coming up with all these big reasons why the world is unfair (yes it is by the way) and why you shouldn't do things sounds more like you might be feeling low or sad or anxious and these are the real things you need to get help with and tackle.

I would suggest maybe trying to find a good CBT-based therapist but this would take research and effort and if you aren't in the right space mentally it might cost money which you might not feel you could justify right now.

The idea of defending a nest-egg forever but not having a plan for how to broaden out your life and find more motivation and energy and fulfilment seems to be a very limited way of looking at things. I think you could do with a bit of help to think through all these issues and work out a sense of direction. I know you will probably argue with me for suggesting this but what about trying to do some voluntary stuff initially? This doesn't pay, no, but it could give you something for your CV and also could get you used to be being out and about and interacting with others again and it might build your confidence and give you a bit more "I can do this!" whilst you apply for jobs. It might also introduce you to different fields. You sound terribly down on yourself and like you are talking yourself out of everything and thinking ten steps ahead all the time and then talking yourself out of it, rather than doing the first one or two steps, which won't feel as hard as you think and going from there. There are lots of ways of volunteering and it could be something you set yourself to do for a few weeks even whilst you are looking for jobs.

About the party, you say, "I've known all along that I don't want to go or don't feel up for going, I feel completely drained by the idea and I don't want to have to travel again. It just feels like too much right now, I'm so sorry. i'm too stressed at the moment with being unemployed, the future, my relationship, the neighbour, where to live, careers, money. It's all unbearable and way too much. I'M TOO UNSETTLED TO ENJOY anything."

On this grandmother birthday, perhaps think to yourself it doesn't matter if you feel like it or not. You decide to do things and you commit even if you don't feel like it. If you are getting down and anxious, you won't feel like doing things or going outside comfort zones. But then it can feel harder and harder and could get worse. So I would fight quite hard to try and do things every day and not talk yourself out of them if you can.

You say you're too stressed about your future to go. But if you don't go what are you going to do instead? Closing down your world means you could start to fall into just thinking over and over about the things you are worried about and the things you find negative. If you don't go, perhaps make an active decision, say you're not going but then use the time to do something active and productive instead. Being active and taking decisions in your life can make you feel more confident and in control.

I am very sympathetic to you. You sound very anxious and you sound like you could do with some help thinking through options. If you have this 30k nest-egg would it be an idea to think through getting some training with a small bit of it or thinking how it could be used to help get you in a different mindset? Maybe chatting through a plan with your partner and drawing up a budget for yourself and thinking of it in more active rather than passive terms might help you feel a bit more in control of the situation? How much will go on rent, how long, what do you need to change your situation in terms of work or fulfilment, what do you have left and so on.

You sound like most of all you need help with confidence and taking a more active role in your own life and taking decisions. This smacks to me of anxiety or feeling low. You can get help with this. You are really really young and you can definitely get into a better situation. I really hope you start to feel a lot better soon.

OP, in the best way possible, get over yourself and get on with living. Make a list of what's important to you- and go and achieve it.

Go to your granny's birthday, she is teaching the end of her life and you (selfishly) care about how people think of you, rather than thinking of other people. Go and ask people about their lives- don't dwell on yourself.

You want an income, money, a job, not to eat into savings? What do you do all day? Aren't you bored silly?? Go out locally and ask in literally any and every shop or business if there's in work going. Do that for a week and you'll have a job by the family party. Then you can be proud of yourself, as will your BF & family.

This!!!!! And having £33 grand is great. Take the pressure off yourself, you're young, and have so much to look forward to

Yes, i have gotten to the point where i am bored silly now. i feel like my world has gotten so much smaller now since i don't have a job. i enjoyed having freedom and free-time at first, but now i just feel like its causing so many problems.

Every day feels like a repeat of the previous day. it feels like groundhog day. my whole life feels like groundhog day actually, even my life with my boyfriend.

i can't plan anything because i have no money to plan anything with (i won't justify using my savings for anything now other than basic things on a monthly basis like vitamins that i take monthly, toiletries, ocassional food? and travel (for job interviews etc) that's really it. Then again, i still have rent and joint expenses to pay. My boyfriend paid all of the rent, bills and groceries for this month on his own, i feel so full of guilt and pathetic.

like there's things i want to do and get out of life. i feel i could do and be so much better, but i've gotten so drained. like i want to be somebody my boyfriend is inspired by, i want him to see my doing things, having hobbies, being social, pushing myself - i want him to find me motivating and MORE than anything for him to be proud of me, for him to look up at me, for him to feel that i haven't let him down. i won't get there now when everyday feels like a repeat of the previous day, when i waste so much time on nothing, when i have no structure in my days.

i am feeling quite desperate to travel, i haven't been out of this country since before covid and i'd love to go somewhere in europe.

like i have free time, but i don't have free time. until the job situation is resolved and not hanging over me, i feel like everything it just blurring into one. i can't just go out for the day and use my savings, i did a lot of that last year - going out to cafe's, shopping, parks, exhibitions etc - I live in the city so there is lots to do.

Last year, i used to go to the gym every friday for a pilates class followed by swimming, it was a lovely routine but I just stopped going for some reason, i don't even know why. I felt in a much better mental place then and even hopeful, i had a lot of life in me. I liked myself, who I was, I felt I had something to offer. Now I don't like myself at all, i feel so dysfunctional and my life feels like it is turning into a nightmare.

I think you need to go see your GP OP

You sound very depressed and struggling mentally to see a way out.

I'm 43 now, I have a great career, a great husband, a lovely house. I don't earn mega money but I have more than enough for my needs

When I was your age I was living in an awful house share, doing temp jobs, no career to speak of, no money, no savings, seeing my peers buying houses, getting jobs with "senior" this that and the other in the job title. I was so far away from that.

Life changes so fast OP. You are so young - you don't see it now but you are. PP are right, you just need to take a step, any step. Doesn't matter if it's the "right" one - you make enough steps and things happen, opportunities come.

You have a little nest egg, you're doing great. Forget the rest of the money, it's gone, just concentrate on getting yourself better. You haven't killed anyone, you just spent money which was yours. That's OK! Yes it may well be better to have saved it but your BF must have known you didn't have anything coming in& you have rent and bills to pay.

Op apart from rent, driving lessons and cost of living things like food, bills, mobile phone etc, what else did you spend the money on in 10 months?