Devastated with my life at age 31

[67666d]

I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm completely exasperated and I'm turning into an irritable person. I never thought I would be an irritable person. I can't cope with anything anymore. I never imagined that I'd be so unhappy at my age of 31. I don't want this life anymore.

I've been unemployed for 10 months and I've been living off of the money I inherited from my grandparents (I had savings of £60,000 and I believe they have now gone down to £15,000). I feel so devastated and so ashamed. I can't even bring myself to check my bank accounts because I know that it will kill me and shake me to the core. I haven't spent the money on anything substantial or worthwhile, I don't know what its gone on but its gone on me treating myself to things and driving lessons with different instructors that have led to nothing. I haven't had any self control with the money and I've been dipping into it without a care for years.

I wasn't progressing with the driving lessons and the driving instructor basically told me that he didn't think I should carry on with the lessons and that he didn't want to keep taking my money when he thought I wouldn't get anywhere. Its really knocked and shaken my confidence.

The money was supposed to be for my future, for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was supposed to be used for us to buy our first home.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Its sickening. I don't want access to the money anymore, I want to cut off all of my access to it. But, I need to pay rent which means I need to pay £800 a month. My savings will probably run out on rent unless I find a job to cover it. You cannot imagine the devastation of my life.

He found out about the money last night, when he asked me about it and I told him that half of the money has already gone. The reality is that even more than half of it has gone. It will kill me to have to tell him. We were out at a pub and were planning to go to a nearby restaurant to get dinner after we had finished our drinks. Well, my boyfriend asked me about the money and you know I told him that half of it has gone. It was very painful. He told me that he felt sick as in it made him sick to hear how much was gone. He told me that I should move back in with my parents and sort myself out. My boyfriend told me how unhappy he is and how he has been waiting for me to find a job for 10 months, how I haven't tried hard enough with the time I've had. The conversation got harder and harder and more and more painful... he said that things are always about me which is true and that he's tired of things always been about me, he said he feels that he doesn't have anybody to look out for him or encourage him or motivate him. He works so hard and has struggled with his mental health. It broke my heart to hear this. We finished our drinks and we were both very drained and upset, my boyfriend said he wanted to get the train home, my boyfriend was crying on the train home. It was the worst day of my life. We got home and he got straight into bed and I could hear him crying in bed. I didn't feel I could comfort him as I've caused all of this. Neither of us had anything for dinner and it was horrible- I still feel weak and out of sorts today.

I've been looking for a job half-heartedly (to be completely honest), I've started to try in the past month. I know its really shameful. I found looking at jobs to be overwhelming as I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don't have any qualifications, no degree or anything and my previous work experience only means I could only look at low paid jobs. I just feel so undesirable and so unfulfilled. I can't see these type of jobs lead me to any of the goals I have... like I want to have a family with my boyfriend. We've been together for 12 years and I'm 31 going on 32. I went through an abortion five years ago and it still fills me with grief, torment and pain. I will probably need fertility treatment as well, given that I'm nearly 32 and I have no idea when we will even be able to try for our first child.

We also have a massive issue with our next door neighbour, it is completely unbearable. We can hear her all of the time, she is so overbearing and so loud. She doesn't go out to work and is in our shared garden all day long. She sits outside our windows and talks as loudly as she can on speakerphone, or talks with her husband or talks with anybody coming through the garden. My boyfriend blasts music to drown out the sound of her. My boyfriend has been telling me that he is desperate to move and that he hates living here because of her. He also works from home and he can't open his office window because she sits directly below it in the garden, so he works all through the summer with his window closed. It's unbearable, its making him angry and how can I blame him when he's been waiting for such a long time. We CAN'T move now because I don't have a job and because we don't want to be able to buy somewhere. We have been renting for all of our lives and don't want to have to rent again.

I feel so guilty that I've not tried harder and that I've wasted so much time. The guilt could eat my alive.

I feel like I'm going completely mad. I'm so unsettled and things are so unstable.

My mum has messaged me today about a big family get together next month, for my grandmas birthday and she wants me to let her know if I'm going. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough place to be around people when I'm so devastated with where I am in life at age 31. I felt like I was going to flip out when I saw the message. I've just gotten back from visiting family and I don't feel I was in the right state of mind to visit. Then again if I don't go, I'll end up feeling guilty and they will know that any excuse I make is a lie as I'm unemployed and have all of the free time in the world. I feel like such a terrible and conflicted person, it's exhausting. I want to be to type of person that makes other people feel proud.

In his shoes I'd be scared of forming any financial commitment (property/baby) with someone who could burn through £27k and not mention it.

Yes, he knew you were dipping into it to contribute £800 a month towards the joint costs of living, including food, for ten months, so he probably expected you to be £8-£10k down. He clearly didn't realise that you were also going overdrawn every month when you were working and then dipping into savings for treats on top.

It sounds like he's been working his ass off in a house he hates, paying the 2/3 of your joint living costs for ten months, and going without, to save £60k, whilst you, by your own admission, treated yourself, spent over your earnings, and then lost your job and couldn't be bothered to properly look for a new one, AND carried on frittering money away.

And you did it all behind his back.

In his shoes I'd feel exploited, and that I couldn't trust you. I certainly wouldn't even consider a baby for a good few years, and only then if you'd sorted yourself out from today. And tbh, having been in a relationship with someone who did similar, I'd be gone. There is nothing more soul-destroying than putting your everything into working and saving towards a joint future, then discovering your partner was doing the opposite, and overspending for the last three years, on treats!

You say you feel awful. He probably feels worse. Betrayed. Stop the self pity and DO something, before you lose him.

If you were a man you'd be a cocklodger.

OP if you’d got a job, even a minimum wage job, you would have earned enough to cover your rent and the dipping into the savings would have been much more minimal. You need to take responsibility- genuinely you don’t sound in a good place to take care of a baby so park that for the time being. You do sound depressed but you need to take steps to treat it, both medically and with things like exercise and healthy diet. But yeah those criticising the boyfriend are barking up the wrong tree - I’d be gutted if I were him. And no he shouldn’t have been paying his girlfriend’s rent while she did nothing to try to get a new job. Same as how you’d never advise a woman to do that for their boyfriend.

@unmp

I fear that your boyfriend isn't as committed as you believe him to be, he is happy to hang onto his own savings whilst having clear plans for yours!

What a strange interpretation you have.

He's not hanging on to his whilst planning how to spend hers at all.

They were saving for a house. She admits she has not really properly looked for a job and has spent a chunk of her money whilst he has been beavering away covering for council tax and bills and saving his share of the deposit.

Forget this, it's gone. No point beating yourself up about this, it's like trying to keep your head above water with a weight tied around your ankle.

Spending it like this has taught you a lesson but that's pointless if you let it keep on dragging you down. Worry about it later.

I would focus on the job thing before anything else. Would it help if you signed on? It might give you access to training schemes or other career development projects. Your local council may also have some initiatives like this. Have a look on their website

For what it's worth my DS is finding it incredibly hard to find a job at the moment, everything seems to be online and it does seem to be way harder than it was when I was your age.

You’re not working so keep expenses to bare minimum, no meals out, no fancy clothes and budget yourself to live on 1000 a month. Your job is to find a job, even if it’s serving expresso at the local cafe, Tesco or retail, once you get a job start making a long term plan of what you want to do with your life work wise. I believe part of your problem is your brain is not occupied and you have let yourself fall into some sort of doom and gloom loop. Exercise, produce dopamine, find things that excite you and don’t give a shyte what others think of you. It’s your life, not theirs. Your boyfriend is putting you down and not much help.

sadly, i'm living in a world thats not my own.

You're living in a world of your own making.

Sorry OP, but someone needs to give you a shake. Your boyfriend is working towards making something of his life and you're wallowing in pity. If I was him I'd be giving you a firm ultimatum.

Get a job and get on with your life.

Op you need to get a job, any job, as soon as you can. A minimum wage job will cover the majority (should be all - if you budget) of your living expenses.

I think that will put you in a better place mentally, you’ll have some money and be out and about seeing people (hopefully) and have a purpose. Then you can consider what you really want to do with your life, whether you could retrain, buy a house, start a family, whatever. It’s much easier to get a job once you have one, and you can’t just burn through your savings til you have nothing left.

Perhaps a visit to the GP is required. You sound rather like my family member who has depression and we think adhd. Everything seems to get on top of him at times and he can’t see a way out and fixates on small things.

Your boyfriend is suggesting you don’t live together for now. If that, and the loss of all that money, doesn’t give you a wake up call I’m not sure what will. If you want to remain in this relationship you have to recognise that you have control over this situation. It’s you that’s spending money in that way. It’s you that isn’t investing time and energy in to job searching. It’s you that has chosen to hide information from your partner. It’s therefore you that has the power to change all this. The question is whether you actually want to.

Even if you only have 15k that's still a lot of money to a lot of people. If you even just get a minimum wage job (you might do better but even if you only get that) you can keep your savings while you plan for what's ahead. Try not to dwell on the past, money can be problematic but try to look at what you do have and work from there.

Why can't you get another medical or other admin job, OP? £21k is fine money. Better than zero.
And crucially a job is so good for mental health.

I’m afraid I agree with this - I think the boyfriend has every right to feel let down and disappointed. I certainly would be.

Having said that OP you sound very depressed which is likely stopping you making any progress because you’re stuck in this cycle of negative thinking. I really think speaking to a GP is sensible and thinking about antidepressants and counselling (although NHS therapy options are pretty limited). You really do need to get a job though, I’d make that the first priority. Getting out of the house to work will improve your mental health too.

OP, of course the money was going to diminish rapidly if you didn’t prioritise getting a job. What else would you have lived on- fresh air? Surely you can see that until you get a job nothing will change, you will have to continue to dip into your lump sum and it will get smaller and smaller?

You seem determined to feel sorry for yourself but have replied very little to the many posters pointing out the obvious: you urgently need to get a job. Any job, minimum wage, doesn’t matter. You have no childcare issues or other excuses not to. You’ve had a whole 10 months out of work and I can well understand your partner feeling pissed off that you’ve still not got any old job to cover your basic living costs. In your position I would take absolutely any job right now, working in McDonald’s or cleaning toilets etc.

you will have more self respect when you are working and less time to ruminate and navel gaze. Someone once told me that guilt is a very self- indulgent emotion- it allows you to keep wallowing and supposedly feel regrets but if it doesn’t lead you to take positive action to change the situation it’s an utterly pointless emotion.

ive been put of work before and it quickly had a negative effect on my self esteem and I started slipping in depression. As soon as I got a part time job in a shop a weight was lifted and I felt so much better. You’ll feel the same and even if you get a basic, low paid job you’ll be able to face all your relatives at the party and be able to hold your head up with pride and self-respect that you’re at least making a contribution to society and earning your own money and your boyfriend will feel hugely relieved.

Definitely agree that the first stop should be getting a job, any job.

First and foremost for you.

But also because actions not words will prove to your partner that you are changing.

This makes no sense though, OP. How can having a job be more 'financially bleak' than not having one, especially as you also already have far more savings than the vast majority of people your age? Surely you can see that not wanting to get a job because you might still not be able to afford things like holiday accommodation is a very illogical way of looking at things? Besides, it would fill up your days and give you some purpose.

A) See your GP - you sound depressed.
B) Get a job
C) Recognise that only YOU can change your circumstances. Set your mind to it and just do it. Get out of that rut.

It's been a hideous morning and start to the day 😓

My sadness is unbearable.

Going to be harsh here but it’s not difficult to find a job, even if it’s not what you want. I was made redundant two years ago. It was a good job and I had a good payout but I had a lot of debts which I needed to repay plus DH and I wanted a holiday 😝 Anyway, I took a job on minimum wage for 6 months whilst my security clearance was being processed for my new role (which I got 6 weeks after being made redundant) I now earn £13k more than I previously did.

You can do this 👍

You've been together 12 years, you're (both?) early 30s and he has £60k saved and you still haven't bought a house? Even pre unemployment surely you could have done this - your rent is so high and you're both miserable there. Even now, can he not afford to buy a place with that kind of deposit, which would take your monthly outgoings down and make both of you happier?

I think you urgently need a GP appointment and perhaps some antidepressants OP, you sound so low.

No, we cannot afford anything that seems worth buying based on my boyfriend's salary alone and both of our savings. I don't want to put him in the position to buy a place based on his salary alone and when I am not working, it just does not feel fair on poor old him.

We live in London. We've looked at lots of places to buy over the years (even since I received the £60k), but there was nothing that excited me or inspired me or gave me any vision for the future, nothing with long-term potential. We could only afford grim looking two bedroom flats, everything seemed to be too much of a compromise. Nothing felt like 'us'. To be honest, I don't even know if I really even want to be tied into a mortgage for the next 30 or 40 years. I know people say you are buying your own house, but it doesn't really feel like that to me, it just feels like i am paying another form of rent to the bank and don't forget you are paying them a lot of interest on the money you borrow too. Then again, I don't know how i can move to a new place and commit to getting a mortgage on a property when i don't even know if, how or when i will find a job.

I want something roomy with indoor space, a private garden or some type of private outdoor space, enough space to 'grow' into, excellent storage options, something that just gives me and my boyfriend space to breathe, relax and be ourselves. We can't do that here with so much daily angst from the neighbour.

What steps are you taking to take back control of your life and to find employment?

I want something roomy with indoor space, a private garden or some type of private outdoor space, enough space to 'grow' into, excellent storage options, something that just gives me and my boyfriend space to breathe, relax and be ourselves.

You sound really naive and immature for your age OP.

My husband and I have just bought the detached house of our dreams at 37 and 40. We have lived in and raised our child to the age of 3 in a two bedroom flat. Because that's what we could afford to get us where we are now.

You're going to piss your life away moaning and not working. You won't be "growing" into anything if you don't get your act together, get a job and, to be honest, show your boyfriend you are committed to working towards something and are a person worth marrying and sharing a life with.

But that's not likely to be anyone's starter home - everybody has to start somewhere. You seem to have this vision of what your life "should" be like, and it's getting in the way of you taking any practical steps to achieve that, eg getting on the property ladder with a fixer-upper or something you can make money on. And in the meantime you're miserable.

It sounds like you want everything to be perfect - to be an inspiration, to have a lovely home etc. That stops you from taking the first step because that step won't make your life how you want it to be.

A low paid job is better than no job. It will cover your £800 rent and maybe driving lessons. And you won't be squandering your savings. Then you will feel less rubbish about yourself. That's the first step. The other things will take time and effort and determination. Don't just give up because you think it will never happen.

OP put everything else to one side and make an appointment with your doctor.

You're clearly intelligent and articulate, but you're choosing to let life pass you by, so it sounds like you are severely depressed. It sounds like the inheritance was a poisoned chalice and not having a job has caused you to implode somewhat.

I think step one is to get the doctor to decide what the urgent steps are, then based on that start looking for a job. Put everything else to one side for now the perfect house, the children discussion, none of it needs to be thought about by you right now. In fact forget the job, your one and only task right now is to get an appointment with your doctor.

Big hug @67666d, things sound hard and you sound very sad. I would go speak to your GP about getting some help, perhaps even trying anti-depressants to help you get back on track. And unless your bf earns well over 6 figures, buying anything nice in London is unrealistic. I don't say that to be unkind, housing prices are insane. Living in London means you don't need a car, so park the driving lessons now.

Both of you need to rethink things and regroup. Your bf also sounds trapped and depressed too. You should move home and talk to your parents about what has happened and how you are feeling, you need support to get better. Lying about your situation doesn't make things better, it just makes you more exhausted and unable to deal with things. Your bf cannot provide that and neither of you are helping each other at the moment. Your bf can then move into a smaller and cheaper place. If you carry on being unemployed and renting, those savings will disappear regardless where you put the money.

I honest wish you the best and hope things improve.