Devastated with my life at age 31

[67666d]

I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm completely exasperated and I'm turning into an irritable person. I never thought I would be an irritable person. I can't cope with anything anymore. I never imagined that I'd be so unhappy at my age of 31. I don't want this life anymore.

I've been unemployed for 10 months and I've been living off of the money I inherited from my grandparents (I had savings of £60,000 and I believe they have now gone down to £15,000). I feel so devastated and so ashamed. I can't even bring myself to check my bank accounts because I know that it will kill me and shake me to the core. I haven't spent the money on anything substantial or worthwhile, I don't know what its gone on but its gone on me treating myself to things and driving lessons with different instructors that have led to nothing. I haven't had any self control with the money and I've been dipping into it without a care for years.

I wasn't progressing with the driving lessons and the driving instructor basically told me that he didn't think I should carry on with the lessons and that he didn't want to keep taking my money when he thought I wouldn't get anywhere. Its really knocked and shaken my confidence.

The money was supposed to be for my future, for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was supposed to be used for us to buy our first home.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Its sickening. I don't want access to the money anymore, I want to cut off all of my access to it. But, I need to pay rent which means I need to pay £800 a month. My savings will probably run out on rent unless I find a job to cover it. You cannot imagine the devastation of my life.

He found out about the money last night, when he asked me about it and I told him that half of the money has already gone. The reality is that even more than half of it has gone. It will kill me to have to tell him. We were out at a pub and were planning to go to a nearby restaurant to get dinner after we had finished our drinks. Well, my boyfriend asked me about the money and you know I told him that half of it has gone. It was very painful. He told me that he felt sick as in it made him sick to hear how much was gone. He told me that I should move back in with my parents and sort myself out. My boyfriend told me how unhappy he is and how he has been waiting for me to find a job for 10 months, how I haven't tried hard enough with the time I've had. The conversation got harder and harder and more and more painful... he said that things are always about me which is true and that he's tired of things always been about me, he said he feels that he doesn't have anybody to look out for him or encourage him or motivate him. He works so hard and has struggled with his mental health. It broke my heart to hear this. We finished our drinks and we were both very drained and upset, my boyfriend said he wanted to get the train home, my boyfriend was crying on the train home. It was the worst day of my life. We got home and he got straight into bed and I could hear him crying in bed. I didn't feel I could comfort him as I've caused all of this. Neither of us had anything for dinner and it was horrible- I still feel weak and out of sorts today.

I've been looking for a job half-heartedly (to be completely honest), I've started to try in the past month. I know its really shameful. I found looking at jobs to be overwhelming as I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don't have any qualifications, no degree or anything and my previous work experience only means I could only look at low paid jobs. I just feel so undesirable and so unfulfilled. I can't see these type of jobs lead me to any of the goals I have... like I want to have a family with my boyfriend. We've been together for 12 years and I'm 31 going on 32. I went through an abortion five years ago and it still fills me with grief, torment and pain. I will probably need fertility treatment as well, given that I'm nearly 32 and I have no idea when we will even be able to try for our first child.

We also have a massive issue with our next door neighbour, it is completely unbearable. We can hear her all of the time, she is so overbearing and so loud. She doesn't go out to work and is in our shared garden all day long. She sits outside our windows and talks as loudly as she can on speakerphone, or talks with her husband or talks with anybody coming through the garden. My boyfriend blasts music to drown out the sound of her. My boyfriend has been telling me that he is desperate to move and that he hates living here because of her. He also works from home and he can't open his office window because she sits directly below it in the garden, so he works all through the summer with his window closed. It's unbearable, its making him angry and how can I blame him when he's been waiting for such a long time. We CAN'T move now because I don't have a job and because we don't want to be able to buy somewhere. We have been renting for all of our lives and don't want to have to rent again.

I feel so guilty that I've not tried harder and that I've wasted so much time. The guilt could eat my alive.

I feel like I'm going completely mad. I'm so unsettled and things are so unstable.

My mum has messaged me today about a big family get together next month, for my grandmas birthday and she wants me to let her know if I'm going. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough place to be around people when I'm so devastated with where I am in life at age 31. I felt like I was going to flip out when I saw the message. I've just gotten back from visiting family and I don't feel I was in the right state of mind to visit. Then again if I don't go, I'll end up feeling guilty and they will know that any excuse I make is a lie as I'm unemployed and have all of the free time in the world. I feel like such a terrible and conflicted person, it's exhausting. I want to be to type of person that makes other people feel proud.

That’s fine buying a house isn’t for everyone but having read through your posts I’m concerned you’re going round in circles. You say you feel dreadful but aren’t taking proper steps to address it now. You’ve had heaps of advice from this thread so what’s the plan now? What are you going to do about it now?

I lost my job unexpectedly in January many years ago. I went on a ten day holiday in February which I wasn’t able to cancel but as soon as I got back I spent my entire day applying for jobs for 3 weeks straight . I ended up getting a bunch of interviews for March and I started a job by end of March.

Why are you not getting your head down and applying for a job?? even if it’s minimum wage it would cover at least most of your contribution to the flat and your boyfriend would see at least you were trying.

If your boyfriend moves out and you’re having to pay rent yourself you’ll be in an even worse position financially and emotionally.

I do think him crying about you burning through YOUR money was a bit much though but I do appreciate why he may be disappointed. Living in London on a low wage it’s understandable that you could fall into the habit of topping up your wages from your 60K pot. You probably spent an additional 7k a year (about £580 per month) for two years, plus the 8K you’ve spent on rent etc while being unemployed would take it to 22K, then another 5K has probably gone on your computer, driving lessons, treats etc.

Before you lost your job were you contributing equal amounts towards rent etc despite earning less than him? If so that’s kind of problematic.

I don’t think bringing a baby in this situation is the answer and have you both considered marriage first before a baby ? I’m wondering if your bf is as committed as you’d want before you have a child. And you both need more resilience to be raising a young child that inevitably adds more stress and pressure to your lives.

It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of what you will be able to afford, house wise, and this is making you unhappy. Have you actually had a look at houses that fit your specification in London? How much are they? How much would you have to be earning to afford it? My friend is very wealthy, lives in London, but even her house on has a tiny back yard so would probably be unacceptable to you, and your bf is in a low paid job and you are not working! Have you considered moving out of London? With 100k deposit between you, and if you were both working you would probably have a better choice of property that would suit you.

Just a word on mortgages. I used to think like you did and you were just renting from the bank. We left it quite late to buy. But now I'm in my 50s, heading towards retirement and my mortgage has only a few months left on it. It's such a massive relief to know I will own my own home an have a roof over my head when I'm older. I've seen older relatives really struggle being moved from rented properties in old age. It's not like renting at all, it means one day you will own that house and be free of any rental payments, threat of eviction etc.

I would concentrate on getting a job at the moment, any job. It will stop you dwelling on problems and stop you spending more of your savings. You can plan for the future then.

I do get what some of you guys are saying about it not being the right time to have or think about having a baby right now and my boyfriend won't let it happen anyway.

But you don't understand how hard and impossible it feels sometimes to have been in a relationship with somebody you've always wanted to have a child with, to have no plan, no timeline, no goal posts, just emptiness and heartache, the feeling of loss. All of my fertility just gone and disappearing. All of my 20's gone and now my 30's too. I'm going to be out of chances, aren't I? EVERYBODY knows it.

I'm heartbroken about the abortion. My child should be here with me as their mummy.

There are pregnancy announcements everywhere right now. First child, second child, third child etc etc etc.

I've started to feel very, very bitter and resentful. It is not a good look or feeling for somebody of my age, but it won't go away.

I'm really truly terrified of leaving it any longer at all... I'm turning 32 in 5 months. I'm sure I will need IVF I'm only 3.5 years of turning 35.

Nobody understands what it feels like to be me or how bitter I have ended up feeling. I'm not a bitter person, I'm kindhearted, warm-spirited, and loving.

I have wanted a child for years and years and years, but we couldn't because I don't know my boyfriend felt it just couldn't happen. I only had a low paid job etc etc

OP, did you have the abortion because your boyfriend didn’t want the baby? What kind of income does he now require you have before you have a baby?

Also I can’t speak for you personally but all my friends who were 35-42 when they had their kids didn’t need IVF. Most 35 year olds will not need IVF.

It is not easy, it is very hard and feels suffocating at the best of times.

All of your posts come across as though you are a victim of your circumstances, with no control who has been hard done by by life. You can chose to stay with this mentality and catastrophise unnecessarily, for instance by thinking you’ll need fertility treatment at 32 when there is PLENTY of research that would challenge this, but I can assure you it won’t get you anywhere. Rather than doing that though why don’t you try taking control of your life. I noticed you didn’t answer my question as to what you’ve done to try and do this. There’s plenty of places you could start. You could seek employment support. You could contact your local iapt for some emotional support. You could contact a charity that supports people after abortions.

I'm really truly terrified of leaving it any longer at all... I'm turning 32 in 5 months. I'm sure I will need IVF I'm only 3.5 years of turning 35.

Starting to question if this thread is genuine when you say things like this 🙄

If you're being genuine, you have a serious victim mentality.

You'll not afford IVF if you haven't got a bloody job anyway so don't worry about that for a start. Get a job and get financial advice to save and look after the savings you already have. Buy a "grim looking two bedroom flat" so you can stop pissing your money away renting, marry your boyfriend, work hard, pool your resources and save, then start a family.

Or wallow in self-pity and worry your fertile years away, all the while not working and eating away all the savings you have.

You have a choice in how your future turns out.

Well, when I told my boyfriend i was pregnant, he went to his computer to look up unplanned pregnancy options straight away and started reading me information about the abortion pill. He said that we weren't in any type of position to consider or be able to have a child . he felt we had no option and abortion was our only option. He said having it would ruin his life. He said he would run away. He said I would have to move back in with my parents, and he would have to come and visit me and the child.

I asked him if he would love the baby, and he said that we wouldn't, he wouldn't have any feelings for it. This was another conversation, days/weeks later.

Another conversation we had weeks later, he told me he wished that we could have saved the baby and had it in a few years time. He also said that he thought about the baby sometimes.

i put off booking the abortion for weeks and weeks, because i was secretly excited and happy about my baby. my boyfriend kept telling me to book it. well, i didn't eventually he phoned the clinic for me. i don't think he really knew or realised how i felt at the time, he was young himself as well and only in his early 20's so who can blame him. maybe i didn't communicate my true feelings or wishes with him or maybe it would have just been too much for him to understand or relate to me at the time.

I went through with the abortion because i felt i would let my boyfriend down if i didn't and i thought that my boyfriend would think i was stupid/immature/unreasonable for wanting to keep the child, but when I got home i was devastated. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours and hours, rocking myself from side to side.

My parents ended up finding out about the abortion, it was horrible, horrible, horrible. when i went through with the abortion, i felt like i was taking a life.

You sound very depressed and not really responding to previous posters' suggestions of getting a job, any job, to stop you spending your savings. Or to suggestions of going to see your GP. Your life is not over, 31 is still very young. Get some help for yourself and start making a plan to turn things around. £30k is a huge amount to have in savings at your age - most people could only dream of having that much. Stop dwelling on the £27k gone. That's not an i unreasonable amount to have spent in 10 months of unemployment considering you've been contributing to rent. Now you need to focus on finding a job and move on.

He has told me before that he is not asking the world; he just wants me to be doing a bit better for somebody my age, he has told me that he thinks i can do much better, he hasn't given me any specific income requirements or any such thing, and he would never do that.

Hey OP, it sounds like you're really struggling at the moment.

I think it's important to pull all these different issues apart and tackle them one at a time, starting with the things you can change. Your work situation is one of these. You may not feel like you can walk into a career that will enable you to achieve the rest of your goals straight away, but you can keep taking little steps towards it - and view them as little steps towards your overall goal.

Things like improving your CV and covering letter, creating a bank of competency based interview answers, practicing your interview technique, gathering feedback from any unsuccessful applications, little free courses you can do to improve skills in areas that interest you (Udemy, Coursera, FutureLearn, OpenLearn, all great resources). These things will improve your prospects and show that you're trying, which will mean a lot in the long run.

I think if you can access counselling about the abortion, that would probably be beneficial and help calm some of the panic you're feeling about your fertility too.

This is pretty awful tbh. See this is where I think your boyfriend lacks resilience, compassion and responsibility. I get he was early 20s but he was old enough and happy enough to have sex with you and presumably not use protection, but yet when you fell pregnant he was willing to dump you and the child with your parents. It sounds as if this wasn’t what you wanted and you’re regretting it which has probably impacted on your mental health generally. He wasn’t even a teen, I mean are younger men than him who step and become good fathers if they’re caught out by pregnancy, even if they’re not with the women.

It’s a very heavy and manipulative thing to be told you’re potentially ruining his life with a baby you both created, and now he’s saying the same thing again because you’ve overspent somewhat. He really needs to get a grip.

You are very concerned about not letting your boyfriend down and disappointing him but I don’t see him being as worried about your feelings and emotions. I think your priority should be to find a job and then to use a certain amount of the money you have left from the 33K for counselling. Maybe you’ll see yourself - and him - in a different light.

There’s so many jobs in London though, I strongly suggest you start tomorrow or even tonight. Make job hunting your 9 to 5 while he is working. Why are you delaying it ? You can do extra courses etc to extend your earning potential once you’ve started, but after ten months unemployment it’s really best you just take a Job even if it’s minimum wage. As long as it’s not a bullying , unpleasant or unsafe environment you should take any jobs.

You sound like you have very unrealistic expectations, and nothing is good enough for you.

You are (nearly) 32. You have a good few years left in which to have a baby and sort yourself out. You need to put your self-pity aside and start thinking practically about how you can turn things around.

£30k in savings in amazing at your age. Is any of it in a Lifetime ISA? You can earn an extra £1,000 a year if you starting putting it in. So you could claw a bit of cash back.

You need a job, urgently. Can you do something low-level, public sector? Choose something where you should be able to reduce hours/go part-time in a few years when you have a baby?

Lower your expectations of a wonderful house in London asap. I couldn't buy until I was 37, and I survived.

Things could be very different for you in six months or a year, but you have got to stop the self-pity.

I wouldn't usually suggest such a thing but go and look at stuff like Manifest by Roxie Nafousi. You can probably have much of what you want, but you are going to need to get off your arse and work for it.

But where does he imagine the money is coming from? Surely he realises that you have no income?

I totally agree with this. Please don't be so hard on yourself OP!
Also re driving- I was in exactly the same position as you some years ago. Instructor told me I was basically un- teachable. I felt sick as I'd had SO many lessons and spent so much on them. But eventually I returned to lessons and found the right instructor and passed after a couple more test attempts. All the earlier lessons were still in there and hadn't gone to waste. You've got this OP!

He know that I am taking money out of my savings to pay our rent and joint expenses. He advised me to look for a part-time job at the bare minimum, like 10 months ago, because he didn't want me to be spending my savings.

Exactly

Why’s he so bothered? Its not even his money

Well, he cannot be shocked that the savings are going down! I do not think he is being very supportive.

Does he understand where you are mentally? How does he feel about the abortion? How is he helping you deal with your feelings about the abortion?

@SuffolkUnicorn - the OP said he's been saving for years and has more than £60k saved towards a house deposit to buy together. I'd be a bit pissed off if I were him that not only has the OP not bothered getting a job and earning even minimum wage to offset living costs but has spent even more than the £800 a month that she's been taking out of savings.

You can do a number of jobs. Get up and get off your arse.

Stop repeating that you feel guilty because that has and will achieve nothing.

In all my years of feeling, low, anxious, depressed, hopeless etc I swear that going for a daily walk helps alleviate the feelings. It improves things in some way.

I would recommend you took some physical action to overcome your situation. See your GP see what they say.

Communicate with your partner your deposit is 90k combined - you can start looking for properties to buy or at least rent a different property

You seem to be only existing at the moment - life is for living - go to college (night) and study something that you find rewarding

plan things in, set goals, learn to drive an automatic

As someone who is 33 and waiting for IVF due to genuine medical problems, please fuck off with this crap. Don’t attribute a problem to yourself that doesn’t exist - people are genuinely suffering here. There are areas of the country where you could buy a three bedroom house outright for the combined savings you have! This is the absolute epitome of “first world problems” and you need to see a GP for MH assistance to help you snap out of it!

If he said “no” due to low paid job, do you think he will say “yes” to no job?

Take action, go get any job and work your way up. It sounds like the “no plan” is of your own making.

I don't think this is going to help the OP - you've said in your own post, she clearly needs MH assistance. I think this is depression speaking and she's worked herself into a hole of "nobody understands me, the world is against me" - telling her to fuck off and reminding her that people are genuinely suffering, while understandable, will only reinforce those ideas in her head.

There's definitely a time for perspective and comparison in this sort of situation, and that will come once the OP is ready to actually see what you're showing her. She isn't there yet.

That’s probably true - I’m going to step away from the thread because people just making up that they are going to need IVF is really triggering and upsetting. I genuinely hope the OP accesses MH support.