Devastated with my life at age 31

[67666d]

I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm completely exasperated and I'm turning into an irritable person. I never thought I would be an irritable person. I can't cope with anything anymore. I never imagined that I'd be so unhappy at my age of 31. I don't want this life anymore.

I've been unemployed for 10 months and I've been living off of the money I inherited from my grandparents (I had savings of £60,000 and I believe they have now gone down to £15,000). I feel so devastated and so ashamed. I can't even bring myself to check my bank accounts because I know that it will kill me and shake me to the core. I haven't spent the money on anything substantial or worthwhile, I don't know what its gone on but its gone on me treating myself to things and driving lessons with different instructors that have led to nothing. I haven't had any self control with the money and I've been dipping into it without a care for years.

I wasn't progressing with the driving lessons and the driving instructor basically told me that he didn't think I should carry on with the lessons and that he didn't want to keep taking my money when he thought I wouldn't get anywhere. Its really knocked and shaken my confidence.

The money was supposed to be for my future, for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was supposed to be used for us to buy our first home.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Its sickening. I don't want access to the money anymore, I want to cut off all of my access to it. But, I need to pay rent which means I need to pay £800 a month. My savings will probably run out on rent unless I find a job to cover it. You cannot imagine the devastation of my life.

He found out about the money last night, when he asked me about it and I told him that half of the money has already gone. The reality is that even more than half of it has gone. It will kill me to have to tell him. We were out at a pub and were planning to go to a nearby restaurant to get dinner after we had finished our drinks. Well, my boyfriend asked me about the money and you know I told him that half of it has gone. It was very painful. He told me that he felt sick as in it made him sick to hear how much was gone. He told me that I should move back in with my parents and sort myself out. My boyfriend told me how unhappy he is and how he has been waiting for me to find a job for 10 months, how I haven't tried hard enough with the time I've had. The conversation got harder and harder and more and more painful... he said that things are always about me which is true and that he's tired of things always been about me, he said he feels that he doesn't have anybody to look out for him or encourage him or motivate him. He works so hard and has struggled with his mental health. It broke my heart to hear this. We finished our drinks and we were both very drained and upset, my boyfriend said he wanted to get the train home, my boyfriend was crying on the train home. It was the worst day of my life. We got home and he got straight into bed and I could hear him crying in bed. I didn't feel I could comfort him as I've caused all of this. Neither of us had anything for dinner and it was horrible- I still feel weak and out of sorts today.

I've been looking for a job half-heartedly (to be completely honest), I've started to try in the past month. I know its really shameful. I found looking at jobs to be overwhelming as I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don't have any qualifications, no degree or anything and my previous work experience only means I could only look at low paid jobs. I just feel so undesirable and so unfulfilled. I can't see these type of jobs lead me to any of the goals I have... like I want to have a family with my boyfriend. We've been together for 12 years and I'm 31 going on 32. I went through an abortion five years ago and it still fills me with grief, torment and pain. I will probably need fertility treatment as well, given that I'm nearly 32 and I have no idea when we will even be able to try for our first child.

We also have a massive issue with our next door neighbour, it is completely unbearable. We can hear her all of the time, she is so overbearing and so loud. She doesn't go out to work and is in our shared garden all day long. She sits outside our windows and talks as loudly as she can on speakerphone, or talks with her husband or talks with anybody coming through the garden. My boyfriend blasts music to drown out the sound of her. My boyfriend has been telling me that he is desperate to move and that he hates living here because of her. He also works from home and he can't open his office window because she sits directly below it in the garden, so he works all through the summer with his window closed. It's unbearable, its making him angry and how can I blame him when he's been waiting for such a long time. We CAN'T move now because I don't have a job and because we don't want to be able to buy somewhere. We have been renting for all of our lives and don't want to have to rent again.

I feel so guilty that I've not tried harder and that I've wasted so much time. The guilt could eat my alive.

I feel like I'm going completely mad. I'm so unsettled and things are so unstable.

My mum has messaged me today about a big family get together next month, for my grandmas birthday and she wants me to let her know if I'm going. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough place to be around people when I'm so devastated with where I am in life at age 31. I felt like I was going to flip out when I saw the message. I've just gotten back from visiting family and I don't feel I was in the right state of mind to visit. Then again if I don't go, I'll end up feeling guilty and they will know that any excuse I make is a lie as I'm unemployed and have all of the free time in the world. I feel like such a terrible and conflicted person, it's exhausting. I want to be to type of person that makes other people feel proud.

He is abusive. He is not a good man. He’s awful

You are already traumatised, you just don’t see it. You’ll do so much better away from him.

The way I see it: your BF confronted you with some home truths, brought about by pent-up frustration at your inertia, rumination, self-pity, and financial irresponsibility. He is desperate to move, but you veto’d your house move at the last minute last year. He wants you to be financially solvent but you’ve taken very little action to either get a job (until recently) or to sign on (until now).

I hate to say it OP but if you’re the same at home as you come across on here I can understand why he’s had more than enough and confronted you.

You also do seem to catastrophise, so I have to wonder whether your interpretation of his words was as intended, and why you think you’ll be “traumatised” by his confronting you.

It may be too little too late for him but it's not for you OP. Keep the momentum going with your job search.

Whatever the truth between the two of you is, or which of you is the bigger issue - it's absolutely clear that neither of you are happy, this relationship is fundamentally unhealthy, and there are far too many problems for it to be fixed.

It's irretrievably broken. Contrary to popular belief love isn't enough. There needs to be trust - you don't have that, because he broke yours re the abortion, you broke his re the money.

There needs to be shared goals that you actively pursue together - you both wanted to move, found a house, and you forced a stop a few weeks before completion, and you've also burnt through 50% of your half of the deposit savings whilst he's worked his ass off to save, and support you.

Your relationship no longer works. It is toxic and unhealthy.

One of you needs to be brave enough to end it before you destroy each other.

I've just read this thread from the start for the first time.
From your original posts back in May it was clear to me that you were being abused by your bf.
He wants to belittle you for spending all that money, but he still took rent and bill money off his unemployed parter. Where did he think it came from- the fecking Money Tree?
I also knew as soon as you first mentioned the abortion that you'd been coerced into it. I had one 30 years ago and still feel huge pain about it, but what gets me through is that I can hand on heart say that nobody else forced me. So I live with my decision and I can make my own kind of peace with it.
Yes you need to get a job (as your bf keeps reminding you) but it sound like he's sabotaging you (including by upsetting you and bringing down your confidence at a time when you need it most). Classic red flag of an abuser.
Has he shown you his bank statements? Why's he not the one to come up a plan if it's that important to him?
You are going round and round in circles and while I can't diagnose you (nobody on here can) you do come across as somebody who needs mental health support from the GP and I would also look into an assessment for neurodiversity (you can get one privately for about£1-2k depending on where you go. It might be the best investment you make from your inheritance.)
If I was you I would consider some time apart from this awful man ASAP. You say you don't think he loved you anymore? Yes, that much is obvious I'm afraid.
I don't think you're going to get a handle on life until you have some space from him and some medical support too.
I wish you well. Sometimes it takes one small ( but brave) step to set off a chain reaction that will turn your life around for the better.

Hi OP. Sorry I'm late to your thread. I just wanted to say I used to volunteer on a (non-religious, not pro-life, not pro-choice) website for women struggling after abortion which I joined when I was struggling myself in a situation with several parallels to yours. You are not the only woman who has found herself struggling emotionally and grieving years afterwards. My abortion was just before age 30 and I can relate to the feelings you describe, things like dreading birthdays, feeling aged beyond my years, and fears of never having children and how hard it can feel when everyone else around you is having children or taking other steps you want to achieve but can't or don't feel able to.

Among the women I volunteered with it was recognised that the desire for a baby often intensified significantly after abortion to often feel quite desperate, even if the situation that led to abortion hadn't changed, who knows maybe there's something hormonal behind it, but it was something many of us experienced, and something we noted often diminished as we worked through the grief or other difficult feelings.

We used to run structured recovery groups working through a series of steps to explore and work through experience around the abortion including before/after, pressure from others, and all the associated feelings. It can be quite a rollercoaster of grief for some of us. Having it all bottled up inside can make everyday things difficult- I would have struggled going to a party or interview back then as I would would tear up/want to run away if people asked me triggering questions.

If you want me to tell you any more about any of this or point you to the website, just drop me a message. The website is quiet these days but there is a lot of useful reading that might help you feel less alone in all this and useful resources including the structured recovery steps which you could opt to work through with a therapist.

Disclaimer- I know the women I volunteered with were a very small subset of women who have abortions, who found the website because they were really struggling, and do not mean to imply that any of what I have said applies to every woman who has an abortion, I'm perfectly aware that many women have a much more positive or less traumatic experience, there are just some of us that seem to struggle more than most.

All best wishes for your job hunt and I'm sure many positive changes lie ahead for you.

It's been the roughest week. I feel horrible and like a nervous wreck.
I was really hoping to hear back from a job, I felt that the interviewer really liked me, we gelled well and I was relaxed in the interview. At the end of the interview, the interviewer said that "he'd get me posted to one of the job sites' and that "HR would be in touch" with me.

It was a really high paying job, paying £29,000 and even had some expenses i could claim. Well the interview was last thursday and just my luck that I have head nothing. Why does everything in my life always go wrong? Why can't anything just follow a linear line? The crushing thing is I expect the worst out of everything now, I'll be going into job interviews with no hope. Other people try and put in effort and things work out for them, things improve but not for me I'm always back to square one and I have to keep on picking myself and putting on a brave face.

Another interview i had only lasted like 15 minutes and interviewer asked me like two questions only, i could tell that she had decided straightway that i wasn't the person she wanted for the job. It's a horrible feeling. I don't know what I've done wrong.

@67666d I don't know if this helps at all, but the job market is really hard at the minute. Getting to two interviews so quickly shows you have a great CV. Doing well enough at interview - with a break in your career - to be one of the top contenders for a well paid role is amazing.

Unfortunately getting a job at the minute does require quite a lot of personal resilience, it's hard for anyone to pick themselves up after rejection or ghosting. Go onto LinkedIn you will see lots of stories about people taking time to get their dream job.

Maybe in your case you need to take it a bit slower. Apply for 2-3 roles a week, refuse to have more than one interview in a day, but honestly you've had a hugely promising start on your job search so it really shouldn't take long, unless you choose to self sabotage by not applying.

@67666d When you say last Thursday - do you mean 2 days ago - or 9 days ago. If only 2 days ago, you are giving up too soon on this one.

Actually, 10 days ago, love. It was a Wednesday 10 days ago. Sorry, I'm not very good with days and had it in my head it was on a thursday!

And the interview was only arranged the evening before, I was flexible. i told the interviewer my availability for the interview would be friday or next week, but he kept on pushing and asked me if i couldn't come for the interview (tomorrow) on the next day instead so i gave in and did it the next day.

Oh. In that case, I am so sorry, but it does sound like you haven't got it. But please don't give up hope. The job market is quite difficult just now and while I know it is hard to stay motivated, when nothing goes right, the more motivated you can be - or at least project that you are - the better chance you will give yourself of being successful another time.

So hope things start going in a better direction for you, very soon. Take Care

Yeah that's okay, there's no need for you to apologise! I'm more than used to disappointment by now. Anyway, if they don't want me, I don't want them to be honest!

Honestly OP you're sounding a bit entitled on the job front.

I know many qualified professionals who are struggling to even get interviews. I applied for over 40 roles over a period of 3 months, got 3 interviews and got a job, I was incredibly lucky.

If you get lucky on your first interview, then that's extremely rare. Most of us experience rejection and yes it's hard and yes it can be upsetting. But it's really not unique to you. It happens to the majority of people applying for jobs these days. You just need to either move on to the next opportunity, or in my case analyse why you didn't get a job offer for something that you already do and realise you want to do something else.

I know, but I'm just exhausted with all of this self-reflection. I hate it. I hate every aspect of it. It is just so draininggggg

Just had my period and thats it another egg wasted and gone. I'll never get that back again. I'm even finding it really upsetting getting my period now. 😭

I'm sorry for venting at you guys and going of on tangents, but i really have nobody to talk to. I suffer alone.

Its been a really triggering week.

Are you able to see a therapist? You are so young and having your period isn't a waste. Its a wonderful sign your body is healthy and working well. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

How would you like your future to look?

I'd like to be comfortable, I'm not looking to be rolling in money by any means. But I'd like to have my own money to help people out, to offer something out - to help my boyfriend if there's an emergency, to support him, to lift him up, to contribute generously, for him to feel like he has somebody to rely on. I'd like to buy my younger sister impromptu gifts or treats just because, just because she's my sister, I'd like to plan little trips for us to go on and such and be a positive influence on her life. To be a positive influence on my boyfriend's and my sister's lives. I'd like to recouperate SOME savings at least (I know I will never be able to recuperate 30k, but to recouperate something would really alleviate the guilt i feel.)

I'd like for my family to not look at me and feel worried. I'd like for them to see that I'm doing just ok or that I'm doing just good enough. I'd like to be more of a presence in their lives.

I'd like have a child the christmas after next christmas (2025) or you know before😉. Christmas has gotten so hard and a constant reminder of my child that couldn't be a child and know me as their mum. I'd like to consider having a bigger family, maybe more than 1 child. I'd like to feel like things are FAIR on me, to feel that I GET MY choice about family-planning, to not feel COMPLETELY railroaded and blindsided, to feel that things are not just OFF the table and swept off the table by my boyfriend. I'd like for all of the pain and loss and bitterness and anger and resentfulness to lessen. I'd like for him to stop talking and start acting.

I'd like my boyfriend to get his swag and his spark bag. I'd like to see him truly content, truly worry-free, truly satisfied, truly at-peace and truly-relaxed. I'd like us to work on our relationship and for him to respect me.

I'd like to be living somewhere where I have no stress or disruption from neighbours. I have realised I cannot concentrate because of the neighbour, I am constantly listening out and waiting for her to make the next sound. She is on my mind much too much because of how disruptive she is.

I'd like my free time to feel like it's truly MINE, to feel like it is EARNT free time. To feel like i have nobody to answer to or nobody that could be on my back. To not have a job search hanging over me and all of the stress and uncertainity that comes with that.

I'd like to feel lighter, freer, happier, contenter, more joyful, to not feel so heavy and burdened and nervy all of the time. To laugh more, to have more fun, to be more sociable, to enjoy my youth I suppose.

I'd like some pets, a cat and a dog (maybe not getting them both at the same time😅). A dog because my boyfriend's childhood dream of getting a dog was never realised and because he has wanted one for a long time. They would add something new to my life, a new element and give my life a sense of fun and playfulness.

I'd like a garden or some private outside space, that is MY OWN. I'd like to tend to the garden or outside space and have some pride in it.

I'd like a job that does not feel like it's going nowhere. I'd like a job where i'm appreciated by anybody - could be customers, superiors, colleagues. I'd like a job where i have a special skill, something that makes me unique and valuable, something where I can be MARKETABLE. So that I won't find myself so stuck in the future.

I'd like to drive, but thats a whole other story, and I'm still very upset and down about the whole ordeal.

I'd like to feel like things are FAIR on me, to feel that I GET MY choice about family-planning, to not feel COMPLETELY railroaded and blindsided, to feel that things are not just OFF the table and swept off the table by my boyfriend.

Live a life with these values at the forefront and never compromise your values for anyone.

Another interview i had only lasted like 15 minutes and interviewer asked me like two questions only, i could tell that she had decided straightway that i wasn't the person she wanted for the job. It's a horrible feeling. I don't know what I've done wrong.

Quite possibly nothing. There could have been a candidate before you who they basically decided to give the job, but they still felt they had to interview everyone else anyway. The interviewers best friend from school was applying but they had to go ahead with an interview process to make it look fair. The interviewer could have been on the lash last night and completely hungover. The interviewer could be planning to leave the job and hates her boss and doesn't give a shit.
Applying for jobs is hard, because you get a lot of rejections and its hard not to internalise it/ask "what's wrong with me". You should always ask for feedback when you don't get jobs, and do take into account what the feedback says. Especially if you are hearing the same thing from several people. But other than that, its better to look at each interview where you don't get the job as a free experience/practice. Even if you didn't get the job it doesn't make you a "failure" and doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.

Things have gotten much worse.

The sadness is crippling. I feel numb. I feel dead inside.

I'll be sitting here with watery eyes all day.

I've cried twice since waking up but it brings no relief. I used to cry for a long time and it would bring such relief, I'd feel clearer and calmer and almost like a sense of closure after crying. It was soothing. But now I cry for like a minute and I don't feel any relief. It's horrible.

I've signed up to go to a first volunteering session tomorrow, I'm completely mad.

OP please seek some professional help with this. You could also call Samaritans for some assistance.

How can I cook.

I'm so sick of going to the local shops to get groceries for me and my boyfriend, I understand that my boyfriend is tied down in a job all day and maybe I don't have the right to complain. But I've been doing it two, three, four, five times a week for the last year. I'm so tired of going to the shops alone and having to make decisions. I feel like a live-in housekeeper. I step up and do it, because I want my boyfriend to have his evenings free after working and I want him to be able to do what he wants with his free time. But I've looked out for us every evening since being unemployed.

My boyfriend drives us places on the weekends and drives us to the supermarket once a week or once every 2 weeks, but that is it and waters the plants occasionally and puts the laundry away occasionally, and hoovers about two or three times a year.

But I never have anybody doing anything for me, nobody doing anything for me just because. I just feel sorry for myself. Nobody making me a dinner and telling me they wanted me to have a change. Nobody offering to go to the shops to pick up groceries for dinner. Nobody offering to go to the shops in their lunch break. Nobody realising they could make a bit of a difference to me.

I do very much get that I'm unemployed and free, but its feels like I keep on trying and i get nothing back and that is always going to be okay because I'm unemployed and my boyfriend is working full-time. But that shouldn't be how relationships work, should it, it's give and take, it's about stepping up.

It's such a lonely feeling.

I think you need to make a GP appointment and consider anti depressants. It's not a sign of weakness. It will give you some relief and help you get on with things.

Just gone to the shops.
I feel awful. No life in me. Terrified. On the verge of crying again. What have i done to deserve this life?
How can i keep picking myself up?