Where are all the stay at home mums?

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I’m not an idiot. I know that not all woman want to be a SAHM for lots of valid reasons. I know that not all women can be either. I also know there’s a COL crisis too.

Since having DD eight months ago I’ve learnt that everyone has an opinion on every parenting decision and everyone else is the expert. I’ve had negative comments on becoming a SAHP, but what other people want to do is nothing to do with me.

While I knew a lot of women would be going back to work and I knew they’d be a lot of women who would become SAHM due to the cost of childcare, I wasn’t expecting barely any SAHMs out of choice.

I always wanted to have a career to be able to support a future family. But I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM while the kids were little. The goal was to have our outgoings comfortably less than DH salary which we’re fortunately in that position. Our house is functional , our car is practical and our lifestyle is considerably different. We could go abroad this year but it’s not our priority.

A lot of my mum friends I’ve made are going back to work. Everyone from NCT and the two baby groups I go to. I kinda knew this would happen, not everyone, but I knew it would be the majority. I went along to a toddler group today and again I was the only SAHM. Four childminders and three grandmothers.

It’s not the end of the world as I’ll still keep in contact with the friends I’ve made so far. I’ve also kept hobbies and taken up volunteering that are social.

I’m just surprised with the sheer lack of SAHM out of choice or maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong places.

I hope you find some other SAHM friends. This is an interesting thread. my husband and I are thinking of me being a SAHM (I am currently on mat leave #2). I am a professional and most of our social circle is too, and I wouldn’t be embarrassed to tell our friends if we did go down the SAHM route.

You talk about being a SAHM ‘by choice’, but most sadly don’t have that choice. I would have loved to be at home with my children but we could never afford it.

Same. Work FT but of course I do all of that too because working parents also raise their children.

I’ve met loads of SAHMs. Lots of them go back to part time work when their youngest goes to school or preschool.
Once you get past the baby groups stage and get to the more interesting toddler groups and sports classes and days out, you’ll meet the mums who didn’t go back at 6/9/12 months. Well at least the full time workers.
Maybe depends on area too? Or some mums go back after the first child but childcare costs mean they quit after the second.

@frecklejuice, please do start thinking about how you can rebuild your confidence and your identity outside the family. Otherwise, you're going to have a very tough time indeed when your kids fly the nest.

My lovely, intelligent and talented mum was like you and completely lost her confidence after being a SAHP for a few years. She never went back to work - despite having loads to offer, her confidence was at rock bottom - and she has bitterly regretted it ever since.

Can you do some sort of volunteering work to start rebuilding your confidence? Or part time study of some sort? Your kids will be off to uni in the blink of an eye, and you need to have a plan for what you want your life to look like at that point. Start building towards that now!

I absolutely loved being a p/t worker 3 days and then being at home the rest of the week.
Used to go to loads of playgroups and days out to forests, beaches and cities. It took me a while to find others but was well worth it as now have amazing friends.

Most people I know who became sahm didn't until their second. That's what I did - I had them in my 40s and paying for two in daycare was more than my salary and my husband was a high earner. So I gave up work. Another in my post natal group did the same when she had her second.

I was a SAHM. I couldn’t afford to return to work as the childcare required would have swallowed up my income, and then some. We were actually financially better off with me not employed. An unusual experience apparently.

I’m one. A choice we made to give our children the childhood we wanted to. It’s not been without sacrifices but I don’t regret it, and it’s given us a lot of freedom.

The only thing I insisted on was setting myself up a SIPP which is paid into monthly.

I’ve made friends at church hall type toddler groups but I agree it’s mainly childminders and grannies!

I'm really struggling to understand this post.

I'm not really sure why you think society or politicians in particular should value mothers who stay at home with their kids? (I note that you say "mothers", no mention of SAHDs?) Hopefully your spouse or partner values your contributions to the family, and I'm sure that your kids will be grateful for the stuff that you do for them if they're old enough to understand it, but your lifestyle choices aren't really of any benefit to society as a whole, so I'm not sure what "value" you think others should ascribe to it. Of course, it's absolutely fine to be a SAHP if that suits you and your family and you can afford to fund that lifestyle, but it's a very personal decision which primarily benefits your own immediate family rather than anyone else, so I'm not sure why you would expect anyone else to care?

Of course, the "unpaid benefits" of good parenting are incredibly important for society as a whole, but that doesn't really have anything to do with whether you WOH/SAH as the overwhelming majority of studies suggest that neither option produces better outcomes than the other. We all "raise our own children" (unless of course we give them up for adoption or they're taken into care etc), and there is abundant evidence that it's the quality of interactions between parents and children that matters, rather than specific lifestyle choices such as having a SAHP.

But finally, why would mothers (sic) who do stay at home value themselves any less simply because "society" isn't especially excited about that decision? Surely are choosing to SAH (assuming that it is a choice rather than an economic necessity - I appreciate that sometimes it isn't) because that suits their personal preferences and their family circumstances, so I'm not sure why they would need or expect external validation from anyone else?

The children of highly educated SAHMs that I know tend to have all that education and intelligence poured into them. I think it’s borne out statistically that the kids who do the best at school are the children of SAHMs with a degree, although don’t quote me on it.

I do think that raising decent human beings is a pretty good use of an education and indeed a life.

I am a sahm. Funnily enough my closest friends from school are all sahms. I meet new people at the kids school, on holidays, etc and a high proportion also turn out to be sahms.

I was a SAHM as were several of my friends when the kids were little. A few worked part time so there was always someone to meet up with. Very happy days.

I don't know many long term SAHM, the only one I can think of has 3 children with additional needs with 2 doing home based learning.
Some friends had stints as SAHM and SAHDs in the preschool years.
Many couples I know have pretty equal earning potential between partners so it doesn't automatically make sense for one parent to give up an income longer term over the other, and both parents share the parenting load fairly equally (ie both in flexible or even part time work).

I completely agree that children benefit from having well educated and intelligent mothers. There is ample evidence to back this up.

I also don't think that education is wasted if people aren't in paid employment. I think education is valuable in and of itself.

But I don't think you're right about the children of degree-educated SAHMs doing better than any other group in school, and would be interested to see some proper, peer-reviwed evidence of this... and not just the studies which focus on the child's first year as most women will be on mat leave during that time in any case.

I am sure that there are some studies that suggest better educational outcomes for children of highly educated SAHPs, but equally, there are other studies that suggest the opposite, ie that maternal employment actually has a positive impact on educational outcomes, as does overall household income. From what I have read, there doesn't really bseem to be any compelling evidence that SAH or WOH makes much of a difference for children's outcomes in either direction, and my own lived experience backs that up... there is no observable difference between the kids either way!

I think it’s borne out statistically that the kids who do the best at school are the children of SAHMs with a degree, although don’t quote me on it

If that’s the study I think it is, it was comparing degree-educated SAHMs with non-degree educated SAHM, not degree-educated WOHMs.

So while it’s interesting to know that bright well-educated middle class women raise bright well-educated middle class children, it doesn’t tell us much about the benefits or otherwise of those women staying at home vs returning to work.

Depends on how many kids you have and what kind of childcare.

We’ll be in that situation for 10 months while both kids are at nursery together, before the eldest starts school.

What I haven’t seen mentioned on this thread, unless I’ve missed it, is also employment conditions. With both my workplaces, my enhanced maternity package has come with the condition that I must return to work for a year/6 months after mat leave, otherwise I have to pay back my mat pay.

So that’s also why absolutely none of my colleagues have become SAHMs.

Very well-said. I'm a SAHM because I thought it was the best decision for my family. No one else should have an opinion about it, because no one else is affected!

All my friends worked. Apart from one whose husband earns shit loads and she just kept having kids.
I prefer my life.

I think it's rare nowadays. The cost of living of course but also an increase in flexible working conditions or working from home.

We live in an expensive part of the country and I know two SAHMs. One because her daughter has additional needs, the other went back to work after her first two children but became a SAHM after having their third child.

DH and I could technically afford for me to stay at home because he earns a good salary. But for those couples that could afford it, often both are professionals and the woman is reluctant to give up her career completely. That is certainly my case and I'm fortunate to be able to work part time, three days a week so I have that balance of time with DDs but also keeping my hand in at work.

Certainly in my area, with housing costs so high being a SAHP is very rare. I think that contributes to it being a less attractive option too if everyone else is at work I can imagine it could be quite lonely. Even working part time, my mum friends and I all have different working patterns so we don't meet up during the week with the children. That's fine because my days off are filled with errands etc but I can imagine if it was every day I'd feel quite lonely.

Not unusual ime. We were in the same position. And I knew plenty of people who either wanted to go back to work/felt pressured to go back to work despite it being a loss-making exercise. Perhaps better financially from a long-term perspective. But it seemed to me that a good number of them had not actually costed the whole thing out and were shocked and moaning about it by the time DC was 2.

My eldest is in her 20s. When she was little, the majority of mums were SAHMs or P/T. It was unusual to work FT. (I’m talking about school and nursery mums, not society as a whole).

Of my kids who are teens and pre-teen, it was definitely more common to work outside the home.
So even in that short space of time, there was a change.

Of the parents I know now (family etc) with young children, I actually can’t think of any who are SAHM.

Very interesting, I hadn’t really thought about this. I think two incomes are needed these days, unless one is a very high earner.

Why would a sahp feel looked down on? they are doing the job of looking after their children plus they get the bonus of being with them and bringing them up. If a nanny is a paid job, why is a sahp not a job if it requires the same tasks?

A sahp point of view might be why are working parents paying a cleaner, nanny, childminder whilst the parents have to do the meals anyway and household admin and errands, through choice. Fine if you need to financially, but surely having to do it is not a desirable position but there is nothing wrong with either parent taking a few years out before school age. In fact it is a really good thing for both parent and child.

Most working parents don't have cleaners or nannies! I certainly don't and don't know anyone who could afford that.

Nannies as in paid childcare and nurseries.

If your own parents or in laws can take them instead if the parent that
works ok, it was free for me and I worked part-time with under 5s
otherwise I wouldn’t have.

Full timers don’t know what they don’t know. They won’t experience those years at home, they won’t miss it, but it’s amazing, best time if my life in the photo album.

Most of my friends that went back full time
moaned about it and we’re stressed and resentful.