Where are all the stay at home mums?

[PaintDiagram]

I’m not an idiot. I know that not all woman want to be a SAHM for lots of valid reasons. I know that not all women can be either. I also know there’s a COL crisis too.

Since having DD eight months ago I’ve learnt that everyone has an opinion on every parenting decision and everyone else is the expert. I’ve had negative comments on becoming a SAHP, but what other people want to do is nothing to do with me.

While I knew a lot of women would be going back to work and I knew they’d be a lot of women who would become SAHM due to the cost of childcare, I wasn’t expecting barely any SAHMs out of choice.

I always wanted to have a career to be able to support a future family. But I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM while the kids were little. The goal was to have our outgoings comfortably less than DH salary which we’re fortunately in that position. Our house is functional , our car is practical and our lifestyle is considerably different. We could go abroad this year but it’s not our priority.

A lot of my mum friends I’ve made are going back to work. Everyone from NCT and the two baby groups I go to. I kinda knew this would happen, not everyone, but I knew it would be the majority. I went along to a toddler group today and again I was the only SAHM. Four childminders and three grandmothers.

It’s not the end of the world as I’ll still keep in contact with the friends I’ve made so far. I’ve also kept hobbies and taken up volunteering that are social.

I’m just surprised with the sheer lack of SAHM out of choice or maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong places.

It's money, pure and simple. Being a SAHP has always been a luxury and is increasingly so as housing and costs of living rise. Few families can afford it.

I was a psychologist, hold phd degree and i’m SAHM now because i want to. Been 10 years being SAHM Always want to be a SAHM. And all my friends also university graduate but all of my bestfriend are SAHM because they choose to be a SAHM. We live in the nice area and fairly expensive. My husband and friends husband all have a really good income, so we dont have to works if we want to.

i think there are 2 categories of SAHM. Its either in more deprived area (lots of SAHM because of childcare). Or in middle class area. Most of my neighbours also SAHM. Even i know some people who already retired early in their 30’s because their business its doing so well so they sell their company for millions.

I'm mostly one* and I know loads. My kids are at school now but I'm studying for degree number 3 and doing various voluntary things.

Most of the sahms I know have husbands who work offshore or abroad. Dh has family money as well as well paid job. I think now everyone in my family has just got used to me being at home and doesn't want change.

*I do my old job on ad hoc basis for the Local Authority.

Try the home ed community 😆 most of us are SAHM by choice and live on one wage. Most are not high earners either. Best thing I ever did was not go back to work, it's been wonderful to spend these years with our children.

Parenting really isn't valued by so many people these days which I think contributes to parents going back to work.......

Why would working mean you value parenting less?

Im a SAHM, not by choice, moved overseas when pregnant to somewhere I couldn't work in my chosen career path, having working in for 15 years in the UK.
My son starts school in September and im hoping to be able to work in a new field then but I still want to be able to do drop offs and pick ups. To be honest i didn't love being a SAHM, i really missed my career and it has given me alot of anxiety about not being financially independent. I did enjoy it when DS was a baby but then he became a toddler and was/is very challenging.

I was sahm with Ds at that age. Although I was working around 15 hrs at home.

Regardless, I never took him to any parent playgroups. He started morning nursery at 2.5 years just fine. So maybe many are sahm just don’t go to baby groups? Personally I couldn’t think of anything more boring to do with a baby that can’t even walk, so I just did things with him I wanted to and brought him with me. We spent a lot of time walking as well due to covid when he was born

I suspect it's a community thing depending on where you are. I had mine whilst living in military housing, I was very much the odd one out working, especially as I was full time. Most of the full time working mums I knew at that time were military. Had a real mix of friends though mostly SAHMs, never felt any judgement.

I personally don't know anyone who stays home out of choice - they only do it because they have DC will SEN who can't access proper mainstream education.

Everyone works at least part time and wants to work too.

Nonsense. Parenting is valued every bit as much as it ever was. It's simply that people have realised that having/being a SAHP doesn't make you a better parent!

To be honest it was rare when my son was born in 1997 and I was the only SAHM out of my NHS baby group AND my NCT group. And now it’s easier to work flexibly and part time. Plus the COL makes living on one wage near on impossible.

I know 2 stay at home mums and I know them from the gym. Their kids are much older though so that's why they can go to the gym without childcare.
When mine were little I went to a gym with a crèche. So in my very limited experience of stay at home mums I think they are at home where you won't see them or at the gym. Presumably they must be at baby classes such as baby massage etc as well.

The idea that it’s somehow desirable only ever crops up on here in my life. The people (men and women) I know in RL in every country I’ve lived in who have been a SAHP for longer than a period of a few months have had to do it because of specific circumstances like redundancy, illness, child illness, being a trailing spouse who couldn’t get a work visa.

I don’t know any SAHMs either. Most are part time though. I work 4 days.

As well as needing the money for mortgage etc, I also don’t want a huge gap in my career, more for job security reasons. I also don’t want to depend on my DH so much for pension money.

I also wouldn’t choose to be a SAHM for 2 reasons:

Honestly, I need adult conversation and intellectual stimulation. Mat leave is isolating and boring.

And I don’t remember any impact my mum had on me by staying at home with me up until preschool. I do remember her being a dick to me when I was a teenager and that has had far more of an impact on our relationship. So to me, it’s also what counts in the later years.

I'm a SAHM but everyone else I know works.

Nursery do things with my son that I would never think of doing at home. They are also better than me at preparing him for school. I don’t feel I am a bad parent for widening my son’s experience by sending him to nursery.

My DC are teens. I was a SAHM until they went to school partly from choice and partly because financially we wouldn't have been better off if I went to work.
I knew lots of SAHM when they were little and know probably 10 or 12 that are still SAHM with teen/uni age kids.

@PaintDiagram If you have any ‘hippy’ type groups near you- Steiner Waldorf playgroups, forest school, Montessori, democratic school/learning community playgroups- you will likely find some SAH parents there.

Sorry it's not a luxury, it's about so many other things....... unfortunately it's so controversial if you choose to be one. I was raised by a SAHM (though she did work at times as we got older) financially she 'should' have worked but we just managed on the money there was coming in.

I know loads of SAHP who did/do it by choice and enjoy it.

Also just to add, i’m very conscious of the current issues with affordable housing, both to buy and uni accommodation. So me giving up work for 6 years + with 2 kids isn’t going to help that. I’d rather earn some money to help save towards their future.

Yes, this. I agree there aren't loads of us but we are out there!

I was a SAHM and found there was generally somebody about on most days, and more people over the years who realised work and parenting sometimes can't co-exist easily. Yes more dads about now too, not before time. It seemed rare for people to have one full time job all the way through until year 2, but then I suppose I may not have met those people (apart from my H of course! He was able to do that because I was at home).

I don't know any SAHMs and never have. Quite simply nobody in my circle can afford to be one. We're all working class and need 2 incomes, or in my case UC top ups unfortunately as I'm a single parent.

I was planning to be one, but then an ideal job came up. WFH, completely flexible hours ...basically like those things you see on the internet you think are a scam but with a job which suits my moral compass.. So, actually ended up working again when my youngest was about 9 months old. The flexibility of work since COVID has made it possible for me to do all the school runs, spend a few days a week with my youngest and have a part time job that I love. Felt like a no brainer really. I'm tired though 😂 but work makes me appreciate time with the kids and the kids make me appreciate work!