Where are all the stay at home mums?

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I’m not an idiot. I know that not all woman want to be a SAHM for lots of valid reasons. I know that not all women can be either. I also know there’s a COL crisis too.

Since having DD eight months ago I’ve learnt that everyone has an opinion on every parenting decision and everyone else is the expert. I’ve had negative comments on becoming a SAHP, but what other people want to do is nothing to do with me.

While I knew a lot of women would be going back to work and I knew they’d be a lot of women who would become SAHM due to the cost of childcare, I wasn’t expecting barely any SAHMs out of choice.

I always wanted to have a career to be able to support a future family. But I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM while the kids were little. The goal was to have our outgoings comfortably less than DH salary which we’re fortunately in that position. Our house is functional , our car is practical and our lifestyle is considerably different. We could go abroad this year but it’s not our priority.

A lot of my mum friends I’ve made are going back to work. Everyone from NCT and the two baby groups I go to. I kinda knew this would happen, not everyone, but I knew it would be the majority. I went along to a toddler group today and again I was the only SAHM. Four childminders and three grandmothers.

It’s not the end of the world as I’ll still keep in contact with the friends I’ve made so far. I’ve also kept hobbies and taken up volunteering that are social.

I’m just surprised with the sheer lack of SAHM out of choice or maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong places.

The SAHMs that I know (not many!) tend to be either exceptionally well off, a family where both parents are on benefits/neither work or homeschooling parents. Most of the SAH dads I know have a wife who has a high powered job, but most are working at least part time.

edited typos

Most people can’t afford it.

The only SAHMs I know have kids with quite extreme special needs.

Everyone I know that is a true SAHM send their children to private school, so yes about finding them there or the nearest expensive gym/tennis club/yoga centre.
I do know a non-wealthy SAHM but she has 3 pre-schools and a husband in the police so his shift pattern makes her working a no-no

Yes this is my experience too 👆

but as another poster said, it changes once you’re outside the school gates of a private school… Large numbers of (highly educated and intelligent) Mum who barely work or work part time, as their partners have very high-pressure jobs you just can’t have two super high-pressure jobs and small children.

Somewhere in the middle as nearly everyone I know with small children works part time. Usually three days a week.

I have a v big group of mum friends I met online, as well as lots of real life mum friends. I'm the only one who is a SAHM. One of my friends was for an extended period but she's gone back to work now (she's a teacher, so dead easy!). I sort of became one by accident though - (la combination of having twins so nursery costs were insane, my work not being able to accommodate me going part time and then Covid hot so it wasn't a good time to be job hunting! I'm studying part time, with the long term goal of a career change. I think we are lucky that we can live on my husband's salary. I love the time spent with my children, and slightly mourn the loss of my career simultaneously, but it works for us at the moment and it won't be forever.

I don't know any but almost all the working mums work very part time at least in the early days.

I'm one of the only working mums at DD's school. I think most SAHMs here are pretty affluent, they stay SAHMs long after the DC can walk themselves to school and do volunteering etc.

Just to add, my experience of private school outside of London is that there are very few SAHMs. Nearly all families have 2 working parents, mostly 2 working full time as eg hospital doctors, GPs, teachers within the school, accountants, lawyers & senior NHS jobs.

Mine are older now but I wasn’t a SAHM because I think it makes women too vulnerable. And I was glad I was working when we split when youngest was 5, as I’d built up the seniority I needed for flexible higher paying roles. I did only work part time though until that point.

My husband is a stay at home dad.

It's not a topic of conversation I ever have nor really worry about in real life in honesty yet on MN it's like an obsession for some people.

How people live their lives is none of my concern and I don't have the energy for judgement.

you just can’t have two super high-pressure jobs and small children.

People in this scenario often have help.

Worked after dc1, ended up being a SAHM after dc2 for various reasons. It's not really an either/or as to what kind of person you are but largely dependent on your situation and can change over time.

Capitalism. They got all the women into work to make more money for the people at the top and made it look cool with posters.

We’re now at a point where minimum wage hasn’t risen enough with inflation for one person to be able to provide for a whole family so each and every one of us is a worker bee, a broken worker bee or a lazy worker bee. Childcare responsibilities or not.

You are now a lazy worker bee. The other bees won’t like that, especially if you have nice things.

@Notquitefinishe

My social group is Oxbridge educated private school mums.

Not London.

Lots of sahms.

The SAHMs I know went back to work after #1 but didn't return after baby #2 or went back v part time (I am in the latter camp).

Quite a few more gave up/ cut down on work when their children went to school as that is much harder to deal with childcare wise than nursery.

There seems more variety than you either are or you are not. I know a lot of people who half work - part time or term time only or are between jobs and looking for the next thing. They are exactly sahm but nor are they working at home or out of the home fully. Hybrid.

At pre-preps in London you’ll find a lot of sahm with Nannies too. They have banker husbands and lots of help but don’t have to work.

As kids get older I’ve found quite a few of those women get jobs that probably are really hobby jobs and don’t pay. But that’s neither here nor there.

So long as you are just doing what works for you and not taking your cue from others, it’ll be alright.

I know two SAHMs. Both have high earning DHs (although both made sure they have financial independence, with savings from their work pre DC and they have money from their parents).

Although SAHMs, they do work. It's just their work is in the home. Unfortunately this job is no longer valued enough by society, and now many people who want to be SAHPs have to pay others to do that work. I say SAHP because although it's much less common, sometimes the SAHP is the father.

Unpopular view perhaps but I think it's a shame the choice is no longer affordable, and SAHPs aren't valued as much by society anymore.

For me, I love caring for my DC but I also enjoy working out of the home too. I'm lucky I have flexible hours, which gives me a good balance.

I wasn’t a SAHM because I think it makes women too vulnerable.
I don't know that things are much better, if at all now. Double income families becoming the default has contributed to housing unaffordability. Often two wages are needed to buy or rent. Which is a problem if there's DV (or just a general relationship breakdown). It's not as if everyone's a high earner, so even if the non resident parent pays child support, it won't be much if the NRP is on minimum wage. Also there's still lots of NRPs including higher earners who don't pay up.

you just can’t have two super high-pressure jobs and small children.

Yes you can.

No one I know is a sahp, I went back to work full time when my daughter was 3.5 as I like nice things and I couldn't fund the lifestyle I wanted on part time hours.
However, the other 2 weekdays I used to take her classes and it was full of parents but I never asked if they were sahp's or part time workers

SAHM here, know very few others and it is a shame but just accept that's life now. Know some SAHDs though........
Parenting really isn't valued by so many people these days which I think contributes to parents going back to work.......

I don’t know any sahm nearly all the mums I know work part time. My friends with both kids in secondary tend to then increase their hours. I work part time , term time only, can do the school runs and have holidays off with the kids it’s pretty ideal.

Times are changing and swiftly, culture, expectations, and col crisis, higher general expectation....

I think it's a shame.

@Mumofoneandone
Yes definitely that as well all going into the pot.

I feel like we are sleep walking into a new world without giving it much thought.

I had my own very speficic unusual personal circumstances ( like everything in my life) which has always thrust me out of the main stream as it were. But I was surprised by the language and thought process of some nct mums...