Where are all the stay at home mums?

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I’m not an idiot. I know that not all woman want to be a SAHM for lots of valid reasons. I know that not all women can be either. I also know there’s a COL crisis too.

Since having DD eight months ago I’ve learnt that everyone has an opinion on every parenting decision and everyone else is the expert. I’ve had negative comments on becoming a SAHP, but what other people want to do is nothing to do with me.

While I knew a lot of women would be going back to work and I knew they’d be a lot of women who would become SAHM due to the cost of childcare, I wasn’t expecting barely any SAHMs out of choice.

I always wanted to have a career to be able to support a future family. But I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM while the kids were little. The goal was to have our outgoings comfortably less than DH salary which we’re fortunately in that position. Our house is functional , our car is practical and our lifestyle is considerably different. We could go abroad this year but it’s not our priority.

A lot of my mum friends I’ve made are going back to work. Everyone from NCT and the two baby groups I go to. I kinda knew this would happen, not everyone, but I knew it would be the majority. I went along to a toddler group today and again I was the only SAHM. Four childminders and three grandmothers.

It’s not the end of the world as I’ll still keep in contact with the friends I’ve made so far. I’ve also kept hobbies and taken up volunteering that are social.

I’m just surprised with the sheer lack of SAHM out of choice or maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong places.

That seems like such a waste of education to just stay at home.

Are you assuming they're not going to work or study ever again? Is that what people mean by SAHM, someone who has committed to never working again? I was using it to mean "at this moment and in these circumstances".

I'm a sahm, kids are 15 and 10 (year 5)
and I do enjoy it but it's lonely and boring. I'd love to go back to work part time but my self confidence is on the floor after not working since 2008, the thought of walking into an office etc and having to do actual work that impacts a company or other people terrifies me, like genuinely makes me feel sick.

Luckily husband works for himself and earns a decent amount but we are far from well off and kids aren't at private school. I'm actually embarrassed about it and if I meet anyone new and they ask what I do for work then I make something up!

I'm one. I didn't return after dc 3.
In my dc peer group I know of 3 other sahm, and they also have toddlers. There is a sahd who was in Navy and has retired.

I quite like being a sahm . I know it won't be forever.

In the evening. My kids go to bed at a strict 7.30pm so I work on my hobbies for say an hour during the evening to wind down.

I think there is loads of SAHMs but its mumsnett so they wont say it for the sake of being looked down on.

I agree with this, I'm a SAHM by choice. There was 1 other in our NCT group, other than that met more through toddler groups!

I was a sahm because I couldn't get childcare and my husband drove for a living and could not always be at home on time . I would have liked a p/t job for a couple of hours in the evening just to get out the house but I could not get free childcare .

Yes money was tight but when children are small their needs are very simple and a walk to the park and a Sun break caravan holiday did us and the kids were happy . We basically ate and paid the bills, family allowance clothed the kids adequately and we crossed our fingers that a big bill didn't come along . It was the happiest time of my life .

Sadly today it's almost impossible today for mums to be at home all the time . It also has become the norm and expectation for mums to work . I have heard of mums being looked down on for not working and thought of as lazy . It's not always possible for mums to work due to childcare issues and employers today expect flexibility when it comes to working hours .

No society (particularly politicians) only values mothers who work outside the house for pay. No value on all the unpaid benefits of raising your own children. This affects mothers valuing themselves if they stay at home.....

I think it depends where you live. I live in a very affluent area with a london commute and nearly all the school mums are sahm. All my friends are, many with only school age children and no babies! Two commuting parents also doesn’t make that much sense with school and nursery drop offs.

I have been a SAHM since my 1st was born 11 years ago by choice. I have 2 degrees and worked as a professional before but I have never been ambitious career wise.

My DH is a high earner, he would support me either way. I decided to be a SAHM happily, it works better for our family in many ways. I do know a couple of SAHMs but we only meet up probably once a month. I have enough to keep myself busy and a school day really isnt that long.

We have never qualified for any types of benefits and pay a lot of tax specially due to one income so I really dont feel guilty. I do have full access to money and many savings are under my name. There isnt a thing as allowance and I can spend as I please, no need to ask DH. I can understand if being SAHM means that you have to ask for permission to spend money it would put a lot of people off.

DH is aslo a very good parent, he does his share as soon as he finshes work. He appreciates what I do for our family and I never feel I contribute less, we just contribute differently.

I'm a stay at home mum
It would be great to chat to other stay at home mums
Our own thread would be fab

It’s not just “staying at home” though is it? It’s bringing up, educating and nurturing your children. I have a similarly good degree and I love the fact that my days are spent with my children - reading and playing with the toddlers and with the primary schoolers, helping with homework,
having the time and energy to have some good proper discussions, reading the news together, discussing books.
If, after years of studying, learning and working, I’d had my children and then had to leave them to go back to work I’d feel that I’d wasted my time. For me, all my life experiences and education are what has made me a good mother.

We are in a place that people move out from London and two people commuting isn't practical for getting home on time. Lots of SAHM here, I always assume they had decent equity from a London house so move out and have a smaller mortgage.

You're talking about quite a small minority of women really. Most work, and of those who are SAHPs, some will be unwilling. Forced by childcare, health, wider caring needs etc. In the same way that some of the working parents would rather be at home. Plus it does seem to be quite area and community dependent.

I agree with this. To me my uni education wasnt only to get me a professional job. I enjoyed my learnning and those carefree years. I made lots of friends and met people from all over the world. I learnt to be independent in a foreign country and completed my degrees in my 2nd lanuage. All of this made who I am today, so its not a waste at all. It has a impact on how I educate / raise my kids. For example they speak 3 languages.

Of my friends with kids, most went back to work relatively quickly for financial reasons. But the 2 for whom staying at home long-term would be financially feasible said they didn't choose it because they didn't think they'd enjoy it very much, which I think is fair. My best friend says she's thankful it's seen as normal for women to go back to work now because otherwise she'd have felt much more guilty about wanting to do something else with her time, and I can understand that - my mum said she felt a lot of guilt when we were young for not enjoying being a SAHM because all of her friends were and said they loved it.

So while I think it's mostly money related - perhaps more women feel like they can say that the idea of 5+ years of 'just' childrearing isn't for them? (I don't mean that in a diminishing way, it's obviously a very hard job, I mean in the sense of not having something else workwise)

I'm a SAHM, and I'd love this! Everyone in my area works. I feel quite lonely after all most of mum friends have gone back after may leave. It would be nice to chat with other SAHMs.

As an aside, while reading this thread I was amused by the idea that me being a SAHM is a waste of my uni education.

I studied medieval musicology - a flash professional career was never on the cards for me! However, my children will be able to tell their Gregorian chant from their Mozarabic before school age I'm sure, which will no doubt set them up for life...

Love this idea!

I'm on the sofa clock watching until pick up as mine are in school.

I'm a SAHM and it's pretty normal among my friends. We live overseas and a lot of local women don't work once they have kids and the expat spouses (realistically usually the wife) can't get work visas. Salaries aren't high but cost of living is low.n

Surrey, there are many many in Surrey.......of my friends scattered around the Uk half have been a SAHM most are now back to work as DCs are older/Uni age.
Generally to be a SAHM you either need to live where house prices are very inexpensive or be married to a high earner (often in the home counties.)

Please don't listen to those around you it is a big decision and only you know what is right for you and your dcs.

It is no one elses business

@OriginalUsername2 No - don't blame capitalism. My mother went to work in the Fifties not "cos capitalism" but because she was one of those women who were not fulfilled around children and wanted to be independent. Most of my friends in the next generation were similar. However, the result of the norm being two earners in a family is that house prices go up, and the result of the minimum wage (much needed) is that the cost of childcare goes up.

It’s not just “staying at home” though is it? It’s bringing up, educating and nurturing your children. I have a similarly good degree and I love the fact that my days are spent with my children - reading and playing with the toddlers and with the primary schoolers, helping with homework, having the time and energy to have some good proper discussions, reading the news together, discussing books.

I don’t agree that SAHPs are wasting their education but the above narrative also isnt only true of parents who don’t work. I have dc in primary & secondary & work p/t TTO so I also spend my days helping with homework, discussing books, etc as do my friends.

Agree, I work FT and do all this (apart from discuss the news, mine are still little).