Where are all the stay at home mums?

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I’m not an idiot. I know that not all woman want to be a SAHM for lots of valid reasons. I know that not all women can be either. I also know there’s a COL crisis too.

Since having DD eight months ago I’ve learnt that everyone has an opinion on every parenting decision and everyone else is the expert. I’ve had negative comments on becoming a SAHP, but what other people want to do is nothing to do with me.

While I knew a lot of women would be going back to work and I knew they’d be a lot of women who would become SAHM due to the cost of childcare, I wasn’t expecting barely any SAHMs out of choice.

I always wanted to have a career to be able to support a future family. But I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM while the kids were little. The goal was to have our outgoings comfortably less than DH salary which we’re fortunately in that position. Our house is functional , our car is practical and our lifestyle is considerably different. We could go abroad this year but it’s not our priority.

A lot of my mum friends I’ve made are going back to work. Everyone from NCT and the two baby groups I go to. I kinda knew this would happen, not everyone, but I knew it would be the majority. I went along to a toddler group today and again I was the only SAHM. Four childminders and three grandmothers.

It’s not the end of the world as I’ll still keep in contact with the friends I’ve made so far. I’ve also kept hobbies and taken up volunteering that are social.

I’m just surprised with the sheer lack of SAHM out of choice or maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong places.

I found this. I'm in a really middling area so not a lot of people who can choose to be a SAHM because their partner earns enough to support them, and not a lot of low earners who can't afford to work because of childcare.

I found that I could find SAHP if I went to groups in slightly posher neighbouring towns (though I think the majority still work at least part time). And luckily a couple of friends have only gone back part time, so we do have people to meet up with.

Or make friends with childminders? There are always groups of them at soft plays and toddler groups.

The only SAHMs I have come across have been at church based toddler groups. And generally actively Christian themselves. My friends and peers in our (very MC) area are generally in decent careers and have carried them on, mainly part time. I’m not aware of any that would have chosen to be SAHMs but aren’t for financial reasons (I’m pretty sure it would be an option for most of them) but maybe they just didn’t say that. I’m pretty confident that’s not the case though.

Our kids are all 18 plus now but only one of my friends was an actual SAHM she gave up a very good career as well and was a SAHM for 14 years. Now at 54 her DH has left her for a younger woman and they are divorcing. Amazing career gone so she has had to go back to her original career after a huge break of about 25 years as a secondary school teacher.

Hers is the exact tale of why it’s such a huge risk.

Surely they wouldn't still describe themselves as SAHPs when their kids are at uni?!

Maybe it is because most parents can't afford to stay at home and you need two incomes now due to rise in costs. I work very part time and get UC top ups
I am probably seen as a pariah. 🫣🤣

I’ve heard lots of conversations about childcare these past few months. Around here nursery’s are being super selective who they accept, and it’s impossible to find a nursery that will do less than four days. Apparently the tip is to offer doing Mondays, Fridays and whatever day they can offer if you don’t want a full week.

Unless you’ve got family help or a partner that can do a couple of days, part-time is off the table - unless you want a day ‘off’ for me time/life admin.

Right, as I said area dependant. I'm not London either. Was responding to a post about there being many more SAHMs when people had their second or third which hasn't been my experience at all.

I’m a SAHM to school aged children and only have 1 other friend who is a SAHM the others mostly work part time or compressed hours. I get really bored and lonely I’d love a part time term time job but they are non existent.

I’ve found a lot of shams stay at home because they can’t afford childcare. Far more working class SAHMs than middle class don’t need to work ones.

In my NCT all of us went back to work either just before or at 1yr after birth. All could afford to live off one salary, but all parents wanted to go back to work. I went back at 8m as my husband took over doing shared parental leave. We then had a month of together at 12m to settle into nursery.

I would have to work. I stayed home for 12-18 mths and that was enough. I went back part time, then covid meant remote working. I’m now full time flexi/remote. Love it!

It's not surprising it's rare, since so few people can afford to do it, and many of those who can afford to don't want to.

We can only afford for me to be a SAHM (temporarily- I'll go back to work when our daughter starts Reception) because I inherited our house, so we have no mortgage or rent to pay. We also have good savings and are very frugal, but that wouldn't cut it if we had a mortgage or rent to pay.

It’s funny you say this as I feel by not putting my baby into childcare I’m now a homeschooler. It feels quite rebellious.

Ive met more parents of twins than SAHM.

I have joked with my NCT friends that I feel like I’m going on the dating scene.

Im not hugely desperate to meet other SAHM as not everyone is going back full time. I’m also ok doing things by myself. At the moment I’m taking advantage of DD not tantruming as I take her around museums.

She does seem a little young for toddler groups but now more mums are going back I’ll be finding different ways to fill out time.

I've only known one stay at home mum, and it wasn't through choice. She was waiting a year for a visa to come through and was itching to get working.

I think it's definitely easier to be a SAHP if you are an anti-social introvert, which I am! If you're someone who needs people around, I can imagine it would be quite lonely.

The only SAHMs I know are quite unhappy / depressed about it. They are all women who gave up their work to facilitate DH’s career and make family life easier for everyone, irrespective of their own needs or wants.

They are all struggling to now find meaningful work that fits in around family life now the kids are school age. They tend to be from wealthy households (met most of them through DC’s private school) so in many cases don’t need to work for financial reasons.

I don’t know anyone who is full time SAHM and happy about it.

The happiest women I know work but very part time or very flexible work so they still have some kind of career / identity outside being a mum but they aren’t too rushed and have quality time with their kids. I am lucky enough to be one of these women.

Me too! I wasn't working before I had my dd due to health problems and everyone knows this, but now she's at school people keep suggesting I should consider getting "a little job", as if my health problems have magically disappeared rather than new ones added from a traumatic birth and a worsening of my progressive conditions! We manage perfectly well on my husbands income and he is glad that I take care of most of the life admin!

I only know 1. They made the decision when they had kids that she would stay home and it's right for them.

I think it's rare nowadays, I don't know anyone who is a full time SAHM. All mums I know do some work, even if freelance/contract/part time. Most mums I know have quite flexible jobs where they can work from home sometimes, it makes it a lot easier, and everyone I know needs the income, but also wants to keep their hand in as most have had kids in their mid-30s so already established in a career. I also think there's an element that divorce/split is so common now, women want some financial independence. I'm totally pro whatever works for each parent and family, as long as both parents are on board with it, but I would say something to a friend who wanted to become a SAHM and wasn't married, that's very risky.

I was one for 4 years and I know a couple of others. Lots of people in my area had different work patterns I found so some people although not SAHM were available on other weekdays. Also I went back to work in a lower paid/skilled job and within 18mths I’m now on more than I was when I left my job to be a SAHM and have more flexible hours!

I'm a SAHM, and pretty happy about it. I have a great balance and throw myself into hobbies in my spare time. Sometimes I long for money earning and a cool job title, but then the demands of family life remind me that life is full enough.

I've also met quite a few other SAHMs overthe years at toddler groups and one who I knew before, so they are around! Maybe hiding in plain sight.

I admit it took some getting used to, after almost 2 decades of employment but it's the best for my sanity and my DHs stress too which rear their head for us both every now and then. We're both pretty crap at juggling, even a side hustle is not on the table.

Been SAHM for 5 years now so this is a way of life for now but have learnt so many new skills - much better at speaking up and talking to people, being assertive, more resilient etc.

Most my friends, myself included, went back to work through choice - for sanity!

Most people in my village are SAHM until the kids are school age. Not from wealthy husbands, but struggling through and receiving some benefits. I did the same

I didn’t really know any sahp of just one baby/child, most women around me went back to work three or four days a week. But I know quite a lot more of them who have two or three children when the childcare costs and logistics at home start to stack up. They just might not be at the things you’re going to with a 8 month old. Because once you have an older child you tend to go to something that works for them with the baby along for the ride. I became a sahp myself after child number 3.

Just out of curiosity, when do you get spare time?