Where are all the stay at home mums?

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I’m not an idiot. I know that not all woman want to be a SAHM for lots of valid reasons. I know that not all women can be either. I also know there’s a COL crisis too.

Since having DD eight months ago I’ve learnt that everyone has an opinion on every parenting decision and everyone else is the expert. I’ve had negative comments on becoming a SAHP, but what other people want to do is nothing to do with me.

While I knew a lot of women would be going back to work and I knew they’d be a lot of women who would become SAHM due to the cost of childcare, I wasn’t expecting barely any SAHMs out of choice.

I always wanted to have a career to be able to support a future family. But I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM while the kids were little. The goal was to have our outgoings comfortably less than DH salary which we’re fortunately in that position. Our house is functional , our car is practical and our lifestyle is considerably different. We could go abroad this year but it’s not our priority.

A lot of my mum friends I’ve made are going back to work. Everyone from NCT and the two baby groups I go to. I kinda knew this would happen, not everyone, but I knew it would be the majority. I went along to a toddler group today and again I was the only SAHM. Four childminders and three grandmothers.

It’s not the end of the world as I’ll still keep in contact with the friends I’ve made so far. I’ve also kept hobbies and taken up volunteering that are social.

I’m just surprised with the sheer lack of SAHM out of choice or maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong places.

*I haven’t proof read this as DD stirred and I didn’t want to loose my post.

I only know one SAHM but even she does art commissions in her free time.

I don't know any SAHMs. Me and my friends all work.

If you look at the labour force stats from the latest census, it's over 3/4 of mums working and given that mat pay stops at 6 months usually, your experience perhaps isn't that surprising.

www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/familiesandthelabourmarketengland/2021#employment-activity-of-parents-based-by-the-age-of-youngest-dependent-child

If you're in the kind of area where people can afford NCT, even more likely due to cost of living and difficulty of getting back into a professional job.

My sister was in your position and while I don't think she regretted it exactly, she was surprised when everyone went back to work after 6 months. And she is still doing low paid low status work 18 years later, which I personally think is a bit of waste of her skills and talents, although I would never say so of course.

I’m one. My kids are school age too! Oh people get so mad about it?! As if what works for my family should impact anyone else?

I found I couldn't find SAHMs when my first child was a baby. But once he hit 1 years old, all the maternity leavers went back to work and thinned out the trees from the woods. Once you move from baby groups/activities to toddler ones, you will probably find more SAHMs. I met fellow regulars in the local playground, storytime at the library, weekday swimming lessons.

I’d try cheap toddler groups at churches. They tend to be there. Although a lot less than there used to be

SAHM here! It’s def becoming less popular, I think that is partly due to the rise of WFH since Covid, and the fact that flexible working is mostly expected now. Men and women are both expected to contribute fairly to the domestic load at home/ childcare and financially. Lots of people I know have shorter / no commutes and greater flexibility that they just didn’t have 6 plus years ago when you were expected to be sat at a desk in an office all week. Juggling childcare was harder and people were more burnt out. (Commuter town!) Also obviously the cost of living has made it often a necessity for both parents to work. There is also greater awareness the negative impact of taking a career break on salary/ experience/ confidence/ career progression etc, all these things are discussed more now

I think, OP, the question is a bit old fashioned. You couldn’t equally ask, ‘where are all the stay at home dads’. The reality is many families decide to have both parents working, maybe with one or both part time, or even with both full time, as living costs are high or simply for equality reasons.

It’s just rare these days that people can afford it out of choice. You’re lucky if you can. We’re high earners but even so our outgoings are higher than my DHs salary so I can’t be a sahm, we need my salary to pay bills and give us spending and saving money. I am lucky to be able to work part time though.

I’m one
made lots of friends at baby/toddler groups and
asking on local fb groups for other stay at home mums and now have lots of friends with my school age childrens peers mums (sahms have the time to spend an hour at the park after school)!

I don't kniw any. All my friends work.

I only know one and that is because her three children have additional needs and non stop appointments.

The women I know who did take an extended break found returning to work very challenging. Unfortunately they lost out on progression and a lot ended up in lower paid jobs.

I just don't think it is as attractive option. It never appealed to me but I fully support those who want it

I think it's rare these days that people can both afford it and can choose it - those who could afford it are typically those with two good salaries coming in, and so the women are reluctant to give up that hard won career.

I only know a few SAHMs and I can't think of anyone who never went back to work after their first, everyone I know went back after the first and then stayed home after the second. But the vast majority of women I know with young kids are back at work, and typically working FT in professional careers.

I have two stay at home mum friends - both have husbands with well-paid jobs (both city traders) and they felt it wasn't worth working for the childcare costs/pain of having to organise EVERYTHING as well as do everything at home.

There are a few in my wider social group including one whose husband left her when she was pregnant with her third baby - she had been very down on working mums. Most mothers I know work part-time. I also know several dads who work part-time and juggle childcare with their partners.

Post-covid, it being easier to work from home means people seem to be more likely to freelance part time in my industry rather than Jack it all in altogether.

I only know 1 sahm. Everyone else works. I couldn’t do it.

Lots of first time mums go back to work at least part time.

Many mums with two or more are less likely to work.

You'll find them.

I stayed at home until youngest was in school,

I don’t know any SAHM’s. Most I know work at least part time.

I'm a sahm (intending to be one long term, including through the school years). It's very rare around here (posh bit of north London). Even in the very wealthy families (lots of inherited wealth), the women have a status career, so it's not about being able to afford childcare. It's just seen as important to have a title and role outside of the dc. I hide my sahm status as I still run a limited company and won't admit to being a sahm.

I'm happy spending my time with my toddler and don't need mum friends, but it does feel a little weird when all the other women in the room are nannies.

I think it bifurcates. SAHMs are generally either people for whom a return to work makes no economic sense or people who have enough wealth that they can afford to live comfortably on one income. So the pp’s comment about the “free church groups” will be true - but equally so will the answer “at the gates of the private school”. Join some more groups aimed at your child’s age and I’m sure you will find your tribe; people are very open to making new friends at this stage.

I really struggled when all my friends went back to work after Mat leave as like you say SAHM are in the minority so many childminders or grandparents at toddler groups.

Thankfully a few of my friends were part time so I still got to see them during the week. It’s only now my daughter is at private school that I have found a lot more SAHMs probably half the mums either don’t work at all or work part time.

I think staying at home to be a SAHM is for you. Once of age your baby will be fine if you send them to daycare for the day. It’s good for them to interact with other children each day and be in a nursery environment. It would be good for your MH too. Then neither of you will be smothered and claustrophobic at home

Flexi/remote working makes it easier to stay in a work. Certainly in my circle most mums wanted to keep their toe in & it wasn’t driven by a financial need but because they valued their careers.

I think this is probably area and income dependent. Where I teach (fairly deprived area) there are lots of SAHMs, but in my social group (university educated women with 2-3 children) I literally don't know any.

And I think more flexi/remote work means dads are more involved vs previous generations so it’s easier to birth work if that makes sense.