Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

So there is another toilet?

Yes he's weird to actively choose to crap in front of an audience. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say to keep an eye on this.

Mind you, I'm the sort who would just ask him outright why he needs his DD to see him shit in the mornings.

You need a lock on that door quickly.

In principle, you're absolutely correct.

In practice... Look, he's clearly not going to change. He's aware that he isn't pulling his weight and that his only contribution in the morning is to actively make your life and your DD's life more difficult. I'm guessing that's not just the case in the morning either.

So you need to make some changes, because the status quo will drive you insane and can't be easy for your DD either. It does sound like perhaps LTB should be under consideration here, but that's a big call and not one you're likely to make today.

In the meantime, make life easier for yourself and your DD and move the sun cream, hair stuff and an extra toothbrush, toothpaste and face cloth to the kitchen. Because he clearly isn't going to help you so you're going to have to help yourself.

I agree. OP said loo is stained and not warm in the back hall by the garage. I’d do a bit of DIY to make it nicer and then freely lock the bathroom door when in it as he would then have another decent loo to use.

Don’t worry. I’m just being practical. OP’s DH won’t change and he’ll have a semi-plausible justification for everything he is doing, unless the underlying reasons are addressed.

It’s not something that can be discussed during the morning rush. Probably something more like a ‘blue sky thinking’ conversation. “DH, what would your dream, perfect weekday morning be like?”, it would be “Wake up at 7am spend 45 minutes having sex and snoozing, then get up, ready and leave for work at 8am”, “Ah well, that isn’t practical is it, but it’s a nice fantasy, since we have a child we need to get ready. How could we make things work in reality?”, “Erm, we could wake up at 5.45am have sex and snoozing, then I could get up and use the bathroom at 6.30am” or whatever.

I know it’s infuriating, but it would be the most practical way to stop him being obstructive and passive-aggressive and more cooperative.

It’s not a bathroom. It’s a toilet. Out in the back hall with the garage and the spare freezer and the tools. I keep the carpet washer in there as well. Nobody uses it unless it’s an emergency.

And I don’t see why DD should have to go out there when there’s a warm clean family bathroom and she’s prebooked a 15 minute slot to use it.

Or op could say what her perfect morning would look like? 😬

I get what you're saying. I'm just so incensed at how it's usually suggested we put out to make the men cooperative. And im incensed it would probably work. But like fuck would I wake up 45mins earlier to service cock just so my DC could brush their teeth without a shitting man next to them.

(I'm perimenopausal and today is very clearly a rage day for me, mental note made to steer clear of real people today or I'll probably end up in a fight 🤣)

I know it’s fucking annoying. 🤣 I’m just being practical. 😂

Just 😤😤😤😤😡😡😡😡😡🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬😩😩😩😩🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

I think this particular issue doesn't really matter, what matters is you don't like him at all, and I'm not surprised, cos he's a selfish twat. When you don't like your partner, it just snow balls and only goes in one direction.

@Spelunk

She shouldn’t be “getting stuck” because a selfish man can’t be bothered to get up half an hour earlier. Why doesn’t DH clean HIS teeth in the kitchen sink if he needs to?

Because he's a lazy, inconsiderate tosser. Not that this helps with your morning schedule... 🌹

Deeply unpleasant to come into the bathroom when someone is in there to do a poo. Shows a complete lack of respect, if it was an emergency, which would be rare, he could use the other bathroom. I just asked my DH if he would do the same infront of our DDs and he couldn’t believe any man would, if you want to make him reflect on his actions … bring it up around friends and family!

Would he stroll in if she were on the toilet? What about in the shower? At what age does he deem her worthy of privacy?
She still needs help to wash and dress, so privacy is a grey area. Yes I think he would walk in if she was on the toilet, because she shouts for someone to come and wipe. I stay out until she shouts.

My DH does this too when he knows I need to leave for work with DD to drop off in breakfast club at 8am! The other day I couldn't have a shower, just a quick wash, because he was in there until 7.50
But I did point this out to him and it just hadn't occurred to him

Could you swap though so DD gets dressed after the bathroom so she's in there before him?

Tell him the wrong time and see what happens

Clearly you missed the part where OP said her daughter is autistic. But TBH I suspect a lot of NT people would find your morning routine unbearable. Starting the day with chaos and petty squabbles sets everyone off on the wrong foot.

Put it back on him to find a solution.

“Dh, I’ve had enough of morning bathroom battles. This isn’t working for any of us. What do you suggest?”

If his response boils down to

a) he wants full flexibility to do what he wants when he wants;
b) not his problem;
c) you’re being mean asking him

Then you need to accept that he is not willing to act as a husband or father and plan accordingly.

Does he have redeeming features, or is he selfish in other ways? Does he do any parenting?

No I can’t do that. Things happen in a set order at a set time, using objects that are in set places. The alarm goes off then I do the thing. This is a constant source of arguments anyway, because DH doesn’t understand why I can’t do the thing right now - I tell him the alarm isn’t due to go off for another three minutes but he’s just like “so?”

Remind him (the twat but for your dds sake) tonight that Dd needs the bathroom in privacy, until otherwise requested, at this specific time and he is not to use the bathroom during that time.
Leave his toothbrush outside the door when Dd is in there and tell him to use the sink if he's running late. If he asks why are you so horrible, ask him why he's so horrible to his own daughter?

She’s brushing her teeth and he’ll sit down to take a dump. Or she’s standing on a stool in front of the sink so she can see in the mirror and I’m trying to brush her hair, and he pushes in at the side of the sink and starts brushing his teeth

This is really concerning op. Your husband is demonstrating non consensual behaviour towards your daughter. He wants her to see him shitting which is gross and he is invading her personal space by pushing in the sink. Please don’t allow him to shit or expose himself in front of her ever again. She is entitled to privacy and boundaries and shouldn’t have to tolerate that. It’s disgusting and violating and I wonder in what other ways he dominates her. What do you think school would say about that?

The fact you have another bathroom shows that this is deliberate behaviour.

I would opt out of this battle and use the downstairs bathroom and put toothbrushes in the kitchen as others say. There’s serious issues in your house.

I don't think it's that weird to negotiate bathroom slots. I anticipate needing to do so once my DD is a teen and will want a shower in the mornings. It's just easiest if it can be worked out to suit everyone.

Every house share I lived in in London had a bathroom timetable, instigated by the people already living there at the point I arrived. Coming into an established house share I was told the time of my bathroom slot or given the option to get up earliest and go in before person A's slot. It seemed odd at first but a free for all just wouldn't have worked with 1 bathroom and 3 professionals needing to get to work at a certain time.

And is he doing this parenting or is that you that helps with washing?
I think given her age some boundaries need to be in place anyway and her needing help is different to a full grown adult taking a dump while she is in the bathroom and it's also different if she needs help versus him walking in and invading her privacy when she didn't ask for it.

It sounds like there is a potential for huge boundary issues and it would concern me that a grown man is happy to pull down his trousers and go to the toilet in front of his 7 year old, especially when there is a second toilet, even a grim one. This would surely set off alarm bells for most people! At no point in my child's life has her Dad walked into the bathroom and gone to the toilet and if he did it would really concern me.

Wtf. I missed all this.
I agree with this post. This is really inappropriate behaviour from your dh. Taking a dump in front of your 7 yr old and pushing into her personal space?
He needs to sort this out. It's disgusting.

Does he do any parenting?
He comes home and eats dinner with me. Then he puts DD to bed after dinner maybe 3x a week. Sometimes I have to brush her teeth and put her pyjamas on before he puts her to bed, sometimes he does it. Usually at least once during the process DD will come into the lounge looking for me and wail “Daddy’s being mean!” but I send her back because he has to do some parenting.

At weekends if we don’t go out together he sometimes takes DD out to the shops or to his mums. So he does parenting but not half. He justifies this because he works more than me.

For the first two years I slept in DD’s bedroom with her because DH couldn’t possibly be woken up at night, his job is far too important. He’s never ever got up during the night. Thankfully DD doesn’t really wake up during the night any more.

Can you lock the door from the outside with a coin/spoon?

Id keep it locked during that time frame whether you are in there or not.

My mum does this when she stays over (has all day to piss ball around) so we keep it locked as though there is no bathroom in this house at all from 7.30-8am

And it does sound petty but people eventually get the message when they physically can’t get in there, rather than just being told not to go in there.