Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

Work out when he might head to the bathroom (so does he put his coffee cup down, fart, then go to the bathroom etc) and speed DD up to get in there first.
He’ll still come in even if she’s already in there. She’s brushing her teeth and he’ll sit down to take a dump. Or she’s standing on a stool in front of the sink so she can see in the mirror and I’m trying to brush her hair, and he pushes in at the side of the sink and starts brushing his teeth.

Nothing.

Yep. Its his house, his bathroom, he'll use it when he wants and fuck everyone else 🙄 so tedious.

He won't change. And I think it would be outrageous to make your DD fit in around him. Telling her already that she's less important. Get in the fucking sea with that.

Honestly, work out what his little routine is, they all have them. I know when DP is about to go in the bathroom because he puts his cup in the sink, scratches his balls, wanders into the front room to check sky sports for a few mins, then off he goes. He does this whether it's 7am or 9am. So if it was me, at ball scratch o'clock, DD would be ushered into the bathroom.

Given that she is autistic then I think he should be supporting her and you in the routine that is working for her.

He sounds unkind.

I asked my dentist this and he said it's not true. You shouldn't have orange juice or something acidic straight away but eating is fine. I also prefer to brush my teeth after breakfast. Otherwise I have coffee breath!
OP he sounds selfish and of course he should prioritise your daughter. I'm sorry I don't know how to make him do that though. Is he this self centred about everything?

You need a lock on the door then!

That is what I would suggest as well.

Besides, I don’t think anyone is being selfish here. I know having the morning so regimented into 15 min slots would drive me absolutely bonkers. I know you do it because your DD is autistic but I have autistic DC as well and routines can be adjusted or tweaked as needed so the whole family is happy. I would have been very angry if I were brushing my teeth and you barged in and then bonked my head with an open door…teeth take 2 minutes start to finish, even if you insist on the 15min slot, that being only 13mins isn’t going to make DD late to school. It was just rude to pretend he wasn’t in the bathroom.

No wonder you're pissed off OP! I would be too.

We were the same growing up in that we had to have slots to get ready as we had 1 bathroom. I can't really remember how it worked in primary school but in high school we had a 10 mins slot each, my dads was 6.50-7, mine was 7-7.10 etc.

If someone needed to use the loo as someone came out and someone else was going in you'd be polite and say can I just nip for a wee before you go in, we wouldn't just go in and have a shit while someone else needed to get ready as we had to catch school buses etc.

Well you still go in even if he is already in there. Your entire family dynamic is rude and intrusive. Need to implement some privacy rules, and yes a slide lock on the inside of the door.

Just tell him to get out, you need to check DDs bum for something, she needs a bit of privacy, or whatever.

Put a lock on the door too. Keep spare toothbrush etc just in case he does get in there first on occasion so she can use the kitchen.

That's awful. Sitting down for a shit while his daughter is trying to get ready. What an absolute self important twat. I'm raging for you op 😤 not only is this a hill I'd die on I'd resurrect and die on it again. Then haunt the fucking place.

So now it is him brushing his teeth while you are brushing her hair. Does that neer to be done in the bathroom

It seems like each party is being as unreasonable as each other and are now purposely making it into a battle.

I get It's annoying if you have an agreed system and he's not following it, but having a bathroom schedule would do my head in, perhaps he feels the same. Was it a joint decision to set time slots, or something you decided?

As a work around, could you keep a set of toothbrush(s) and flannel by the kitchen sink, then there's a back up if the bathroom's busy.

This is horrible and not appropriate. Is he absolutely wonderful otherwise or is this one example of many where he's a selfish git?

If he's otherwise a good father and husband just tell him that now DD is getting older she shouldn't be subjected to him using the toilet while she's already in the bathroom and that she should have space to get ready. From now on he mustn't use the bathroom if DD is in there.

If his bathroom behaviour is indicative of his general demeanour being unpleasant and selfish then it's time to start planning for living separately from him.

You are over scheduling, take the pressure off yourself and it will stress you out less.

if you only have one bathroom you need to accept that there are times that you will have to be in it together.

Jesus what an absolute selfish arsehole. Is he like this in the rest of your lives?

I agree. They’re both being incredibly rude and unaccommodating.

On a side note, I can’t plan to get up 15min early to take a shit or hold it in, the shit decides when it is coming all on its own and I can either go to the toilet right away or shit myself.

Brushing teeth, hair, washing- these all are plannable and can wait if needed.

I think there is no point adjusting DDs routine, because he would probably have a sudden urge to ‘turn over a new leaf’, which would make him clash with whatever DD needs to do.

Imo, this is unconscious behaviour- passive-aggressive, his way of getting attention because he feels sidelined on some level, so he does this to be noticed.

You probably need, as a couple, to address what he’s feeling hard done by about, and seeing as he is a bloke - my guess would be sex. Feeling like he’s not getting enough.

Apologies for the derail, but this post is hilariously accurate.

I can tell you right now it will never, ever stop. You can't change him, only your own actions and reactions. Based on that information what do you want to do?

Today STBXH got up and went to go for a shower before going out on his day off, he was not under any time constraints. He didn't check to see if his adult DD needed it before work despite knowing she has a bus to catch (which runs every 45 minutes). She misses the bus she's late to work and then she gets a warning. She had to run in and ask to use it first. He didn't care that she really needed it and he showed his displeasure by slamming a few doors around until he left (a trail of destruction behind for me to clear up. That's my punishment despite not coming out of my room).

Start planning. You have a daughter to protect from an abusive dickhead.

What a selfish arsehole.

He sounds awful OP.

However, he's clearly not going to change, so I think all you can do is minimise the time she needs in the bathroom to literally using the loo. We do hair and face washing downstairs and in your shoes I'd be doing teeth in the kitchen too (before breakfast, sorry!).

What a pathetic little man.

The easy solution (and better) is a proper wash when she gets up before putting clothes on, then breakfast then it's just teeth to be cleaned.

you say to Dh: you do fucking nothing for our daughter in the morning. Your only contribution is to make getting her ready harder for me. So new rule. If you go into the bathroom in that 15 minute window I will walk out of the house, and leave you to get her ready and take her to school. You can pitch in, or you can respect that I get her ready. You may not choose neither and continuing to say fuck you with your attitude. This is a zero strike rule. If you go into the bathroom, you are taking dd to school. I won’t be back before 10am.
stick to it, he can play fuck around and find out.

Except that you wouldn't actually do that to your autistic young child because she would find it hugely distressing and would likely be late to school.

Fun to fantasise about, but not a solution in reality.

I have a medical condition that makes me urgently need the toilet too. Even so, I still don't just barge in and sit down on the toilet. If you can manage to hold it for 10 seconds to get from bedroom to bathroom, chances are you can give the other person five seconds' warning to leave the bathroom or at least be apologetic about it.

100% should never do. A child, autistic or not, should never be used as a pawn between two adults in conflict.