Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

What does she mean by "Daddy's being mean"?

Your DH is being a dick OP. I've had similar issues with my DH. Both DH and DD have Adhd and struggle with time so the morning rush is very stressful. I also resort to a rough timetable of who gets in the bathroom when. DH regularly runs over his slot which has a knock on effect on DD. So bloody annoying.

I don’t get that either. If you’re saying you are sitting doing nothing waiting three minutes for an alarm to go off before starting a task that you could have been starting 3mins early, I also don’t understand why.

This thread is bonkers. OP of course you are right. I don't know why people are offering excuses and suggestions on how to better plan your morning, you already have it planned! It's already the best suited plan for the person that you need to consider the most; your autistic child, who needs to start her school day off on the right foot by being unstressed and unrushed, and having her morning routine go smoothly.

Your husband is being a selfish cockhead. Seriously it's 15 minutes, what the fuck is wrong with him??

Often he’s already in there before DD’s bathroom time. Probably in the shower. So I can’t lock the door to keep him out because he’s already in.

I can see both sides really. Yes I do think your DH is being selfish and he should consider your daughter's needs.
At the same time your schedule seems a bit rigid and inflexible.
Does your DD really need 15 minutes in the bathroom? My kids brush their teeth, quickly wipe their faces and hands and it's all done within 3 minutes. I think it's a bit much to expect your DD to have sole use of the only bathroom in the house for 15 minutes each day (at exactly the time when your DH needs to get ready for work).
Also you say your DH can get up 15 minutes earlier. It's actually quite hard to get up earlier. I struggle because it takes me ages to sleep, then I often have poor quality sleep. It would be tough for me to wake up earlier than I already do.
Sometimes my DH is using the bathroom when I want to, I simply grab my toothbrush and use another sink. No big deal.

I agree with you OP its really fucking annoying. We thankfully have another bathroom for H but he still decides he's going to 'go for a walk' at the same time I'm trying to get DS2 out of the door to get his train. We haven't got a big hallway. DS2 needs to get his shoes on, go fill up his water bottle, sort out his bag, and get his blazer and coat on. It only takes 2 minutes, but H decides this is the time he will sit on the stairs and take forever to do his shoes up (he can't help that, but he could fucking move and do it somewhere else, or just wait for 2 minutes till we are out of the door)

I can hear him being mean. Usually he’s raising his voice and saying something like “Stop messing around and pick up your toothbrush this instant! Stop jumping on the bed! Put your pyjamas on NOW!!!”

Whereas I would kindly say “Come on darling let’s brush your teeth, what colour pyjamas shall we choose?”

Previously I used to intervene but that meant I was doing all of the parenting. So now I just let him get on with being a twat.

Thanks for answering OP. Does that distress her more because of her autism?

I have a son with some autistic traits and his brain goes into a blind panic when xh raises his voice with him. He definitely needs gentle but firm encouragement instead.

I'd imagine you and your daughters life would be less stressful without him around ?

Does your DD really need 15 minutes in the bathroom?
If she vacates the bathroom earlier than expected then DH can use it. But he can’t swan in at 7.40 when she needs it at 7.45.

Also you say your DH can get up 15 minutes earlier. It's actually quite hard to get up earlier.
I get up at 6.30am so I can get fully ready before I have to begin DD’s morning routine. I don’t want to get up at that time but I need to in order to have time to get my child ready. Is there a reason that I can get up an hour earlier to accommodate my child but her father can’t get up 15 minutes earlier for the same reason?

“I can see both sides really. Yes I do think your DH is being selfish and he should consider your daughter's needs. At the same time your schedule seems a bit rigid and inflexible.”

You said it much better than I

She gets upset about raised voices. She used to cry and then I’d have to intervene, and then I was doing all of the parenting. I’ve often accused him of raising his voice on purpose so she’d get upset and I’d have to take over.

Now she just yells at him and comes running to tell me that he’s being mean. She’s not crying so I just send her back.

This thread has gone off the rails so many times about irrelevant points.
What I take from it is:

He deliberately intrudes on DD's bathroom time, an intimate space.
He refuses to acknowledge her priority needs, let alone assist.
He refuses to inform himself about autism, timetables, etc
He is pushing boundaries of personal space.
He is happy to expose himself in front of a child.
He is disrespectful and nasty, shitting in front of her and making the room unpleasant.
He is disrespectful and nasty, ordering her about in an unpleasant way.
He has performed DARVO when questioned about his actions and attitude.

There is probably more . But this is what springs to mind immediately.
It makes for uncomfortable reading for me, an ex social worker.
My concerns would be around escalation of this boundary pushing and where it might lead.

I think people are missing that your DD is autistic and timing and routine is everything. He sounds like he just thinks he is the most important and does not get why he can't use the bathroom whenever he wants to. Without installing another bathroom you won't change him. Selfish men don't change really. My DD has 2 autistic girls and her DH would never dream of acting like your DH. In his book they sort the girls out together and he just slots in even though he has ADHD himself.

You could try a conversation with him not in the morning and point out that him getting up earlier to use the shower would make it much easier for you to get your DD ready for school in the morning. He just sounds like a lazy entitled arse though so I don't think he will get it. He sounds like he needs some education on how to deal with autistic children too. The shouting at her will stress her out.

I'm glad other people are seeing how concerning this is and is about far more than bathroom use, but about control and lack of boundaries.

I would be teaching her about consent and boundaries ASAP and things like not keeping secrets and about her ability to put boundaries in place and how to tell people if those boundaries are broken.

It's just a huge red flag

ND is hereditary.

This is disturbing. Really, she isn’t crying any more because she knows it is useless to get help and probably causes her Dad to yell more, so she is probably crying on the inside. You can’t allow this to continue. He isn’t parenting and you sending her back is just sending her to take a daily dose of verbal abuse.

What will he do when your daughter starts her periods? Will he still barge in while she's using the bathroom? She will probably need more than 15 minutes then.

Do you love him op? I don’t think I could love a man who was so repeatedly deliberately an arse to his small autistic child.

FWIW I don’t think he’s deliberately intruding. He’s just too lazy to get up earlier so he can get in and out of the bathroom before DD needs to use it. And he thinks he can just use the bathroom at the same time as DD because she’s just a child and doesn’t need sole use of the bathroom.

Not assisting with her, not making the effort to understand autism, is just more laziness.

And he’s unpleasant because I think he really doesn’t want to parent. He just wants DD to comply, quickly and obediently, so he has the minimum of hassle. Again, laziness.

No. But if I leave him I’ll have to get a full time job to pay the bills and won’t be able to care for DD to the extent that I currently do. And then he’ll get partial custody and will be able to yell at DD when I’m not there to defend her.

Ok, in case of the unfortunate scenario that you do split up and you won't be able to defend her when she's with him, I wonder if it might be sensible to record evidence of his shouting and boundary-pushing?

I don't know to what extent courts take this into account, but I'd do it anyway.

It doesn't just seem like laziness to me, things like him pushing her out of the way to use the sink when other sinks are available. There's something nastier to it.

Why can't they be in the bathroom at the same time?

Maybe we're gross but quite often one of my (primary aged) kids are brushing their teeth when I'm in the shower and vice versa.

Have you ever thought that your need for timetabling is causing additional pressure on your daughter which is unnecessary?