Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

Your husband could easily brush his teeth hanging over the tub/shower if and when someone else needs the sink. When mine were small that's what I did when in a hurry. We have the toilet separate but at my sister's, 5 children and an all-in bathroom, a quick pee was allowed but absolutely no poo.

I understand the bit about routine for autistic children. However, the household needs to be sufficiently flexible to accommodate DH's flexible schedule, since his work pattern varies quite a lot. And getting dressed and having breakfast before washing and cleaning teeth is odd - something that belongs in a bygone age when bedrooms were cold and possibly the only place to clean one's teeth was the kitchen (I remember this) so the routine was get up, pee, get dressed, have breakfast, clean teeth and wash hands and face. A routine now would look more like get up, have pee etc and wash/shower and clean teeth, get dressed and have breakfast (don't like having breakfast with yukky teeth) which fits DH's variable schedule as well. Is OP living in the 1960s?

@Grammarnut I think the DH is living in the past when dads did very little parenting.

I can't imagine anything more 1960s than the wife and daughter being expected to accommodate the Dad getting up whenever he wants and expecting them to make way for him, whilst he contributes nothing towards getting his daughter ready for school and stays in bed letting his wife do it all

Couldn't agree more. I suppose OP should also refresh her lippie and have a hearty stew waiting on the table when The Man gets home from work. 🙄

Dental Nurse here 👋
Cleaning teeth after breakfast is better than before.
Cleaning before means you leave all that food on and in your mouth until you brush next time. Perfect environment for bacteria.
Hope this helps

Well that's the opposite of the advice I've had from every dentist I have ever seen.

I'd advise you to have a chat with the dentists you work with as this is completely incorrect and any dentist will tell you so.

Hi, I'm probably old school.
But this is what we used to advise at my place of work.
I think I'll stick with the brushing after. The thought of having food stuck to my teeth all day 😫
But you should definitely take the advice of your dentist.

Hi, I'm probably old school.
But this is what we used to advise at my place of work.
I think I'll stick with the brushing after. The thought of having food stuck to my teeth all day 😫
But you should definitely take the advice of your dentist.

I actually brush mine twice in the morning. Once with an electric toothbrush before breakfast and once with a soft brush and just watet before I leave the house/start to WFH. No timed bathroom slots here though.

The same principle now being adopted to push for separate unisex toilets for the trans population.
Unfortunately ignored before when public buildings were just allowed to swap ladies facilities for unisex.

However I don’t think it necessarily applies here as OPs dh wasn’t part of any household rule that now stipulates the timings which are currently causing a problem.
The principle of mitigating problems means everyone is listened to in order to formulate an agreeable way forward

I suspect that OP's DH has been edged out of helping. An autistic child can be difficult. But that was not my point. Who dresses and then washes these days? Or has breakfast before they wash? That is 60s in the sense that houses and flats and one-room homes had limited bathroom access (and toilets were not always separate) so that one dressed quickly, straight out of bed, then brushed one's teeth at the kitchen sink before going out. The 60s is the decade of BO and tide-marks round the neck for working-class people. OP seems to have that sort of schedule, get dressed, eat breakfast, wash and clean teeth. DH has abdicated, and anyway has an irregular work schedule, though he works full-time sometimes from home. OP does not seem willing to engage with him apart from saying he is selfish. Talking about the morning schedule, rather than complaining here would perhaps make a breakthrough.

@Grammarnut it’s parenting not helping. He could get up earlier. He could not go to the toilet in the same room and at the same time as his child is cleaning their teeth

Wrong. Firstly if teeth are cleaned before bedtime, there should not be any food residue in the mouth in the morning.

You mean like the OP describes in her updates. Where she talked to her DH and then he did amend what he was doing.

I mean if that was supposed to be some profound piece of advice, it's a little late...

And its parenting, not "helping". Given the OP persists in getting her DH to do things in the evening even though he seems to he going for consious incompetence I don't know why you have decided she must have stopped him "helping" in the mornings, that seems a bit of a leap. I'm not sure "can't be arsed to get up until the last minute" quite tallies with your leap to your conclusion

The DH is the one who wants to change his time every morning. Those are the changes to which I refer.

Yes I appreciate that but my point is
OPs husband wasn’t ever a part of the timetabling. It was all set up by OP, on her own and in place before her daughter was around.
OP lives by alarms, as is her need and right but it’s not something that’s ever been discussed with her husband. She hasn’t sort a way that works for everyone first. She’s just imposed it on him.

Discussion and compromise in the first instance would have been better, for everyone

He’s just fucking lazy
DD isn’t just going to fit around his whims!
The thread is about a selfish man
She shouldn’t be “getting stuck” because a selfish man can’t be bothered to get up half an hour earlier
He’s selfish, he just wants to use the bathroom whenever he wants.
Because the lazy fucker is still in bed.
a selfish man can’t be bothered to get up ten minutes earlier.
So now I just let him get on with being a twat.
And he’s unpleasant because I think he really doesn’t want to parent. He just wants DD to comply, quickly and obediently, so he has the minimum of hassle. Again, laziness.
he’s just a selfish twat.
Honestly I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable because he’s gaslighting me
he’s too fucking lazy.
he’s too fucking selfish
we never know what time the selfish bastard will decide to roll out of bed
YOU SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE HERE IT’S NOT YOUR TURN TO USE THE BATHROOM! - I snarled.
maybe it’s switched on some common sense in his tiny brain.
--------------

He said “why are you so horrible?”

Having read all your posts, this question doesn’t seem unreasonable.

If my DH implemented a timed routine for mornings for himself and then insisted that our children be held to the same timed routine, hit me in the head with a cupboard door and then "snarled" and swore at me for being in my own bathroom...well, I would never have married him but if for some crazy reason I did decide to stay I certainly would be avoiding intervening in any parenting decisions. Imagine the DH in this scenario takes it upon himself to do the suncream himself. He might put the suncream on in the wrong room, start with the wrong body part, or apply it at 8:53 instead of 8:47! All of these things would be disastrous to the system OP insists upon. Considering that OP is apparently quite open with him that he is lazy, incompetent and stupid, it would seem like the most sensible option to stay out of it.

Yeah I know, what if applying suncream took 12 minutes or 20 minutes instead of 15? Disaster!,

@MrsSunshine2b are you ignoring him using the toilet when his daughter is in the bathroom. Are you ignoring the fact he yells at his daughter

No, I'm not, but they are red herrings in the context of this post. It's unacceptable that he uses the toilet whilst his daughter is in the bathroom and that should be addressed. Yelling at his daughter should be addressed. Using the bathroom outside of his designated bathroom time is what OP is complaining about.

Saying, "If DD is in the bathroom, you have to wait your turn," is completely reasonable.

Apparently they both do it. If DH is in the bathroom on the toilet, and the alarm for brushing hair goes off, OP with DD willingly or not, goes right on in and sets about their hair brushing business.

In the example, DH was in the bathroom first brushing his teeth and OP just went in and hit his head with the cabinet door because DH “fucking getting in the way during” her designated “15 minutes”.

The entire dynamic is toxic. Neither respect the privacy of the bathroom and they have both modelled this to their DD. Their DD probably thinks it is normal.

I dread to think what the DD is learning about appropriate communication and healthy relationships from watching this.