Help me be petty

[icantwearjeans]

For reasons too long to go into, an extremely racist, homophobic, internalised misogynist, anti-feminist, fat shaming, classist woman is going to be staying with us shortly (oh ok it's my MIL) and I want to booby trap the house full of things that will offend her delicate (bigoted) sensibilities. Just for LOLs. DH is on board as payback for offering our guest room without asking me first.

Help me with my devious and petty planning. So far I've got gay erotica in the toilet, a Virgin Mary in the guest room (she hates catholics and yes I am one, albeit only culturally), a selection of wonderful 'ethnic' dinners (she counts chilli con carne and chicken korma among these). Also I plan to buy all the snacks from Lidl (she thinks anything but Waitrose is common).

Finally, because she thinks women dressed a certain way are 'asking for it' I need some good (but vaguely plausible) outfit suggestions. Oh and also she believes that all good parents should send their children to private schools - they just need to give up their mobile phones and package holidays- so any good ideas related to this would be much welcomed

Yours in pettiness,
Icantwearjeans

Life is too short for that kind of nonsense.

See that's where you're wrong...

Just stay somewhere else for the days she's there. That will speak volumes.

Not possible but I always try to limit any contact

Perhaps you could keep it all as a fantasy? Otherwise you’re just being childish and unkind.

Agreed.

OP, why did your DH not discuss it with you, given your hatred of her?

Get some of those scrunch butt leggings. If people's reactions to them on here are anything to go by, they'll send her into a fit of the vapours (bonus they'll make your bum look AMAZING)

Get some Dorian Electra on your playlist. Might I suggest Adam and Steve, Man to Man and Ram it Down?

Confuse things with some crucifixes and pride flags. Or rainbow crucifixes? Watch her try and get to the bottom of what she's supposed to be offended by there.

And if you're going for food choices, Bobotie is LUSH and exactly foreign enough to be unacceptable.

Leave brochures for a PRU/ young offenders institute near your kids' stuff that she'll see.
How about a copy of the Koran in her bedside table?
A buttplug in the bathroom? (Ok, too much)
You could wear those thigh high platform boots that are like stockings, but just with a scruffy baggy jumper on top and no makeup. At breakfast.
Lol.

Came on to say scrunch butt leggings. They are hideous. Get them in a skin tone so you look nekkid.

can you had some other religious icons, some hindu gods or a Buddha ?

How about you and DH block her number from your mobiles and pretend you've got rid of them as you're saving for private education?

Just googled scrunch butt leggings- this could work...

@RoderickHosclassicblackhoodie I snorted

And following on from @RoderickHosclassicblackhoodie, get in a large selection of holiday brochures and turn down all the corners.

@Magpiecomplex Tui all inclusive to Jamaica ought to do it

@BobbyBiscuits I can't decide if the Koran or Something like 'women don't owe you pretty' would offend her more

Get a duvet set she’d hate in one of the mentioned bigoted themes she has and put it on her bedding

I feel like Lidl isn’t the right vibe - my exceptionally snobby MiL approves of Lidl because of the reasonably priced Parmesan and the selection of German ham. It has a continental veil of respectability.

Iceland or Farmfoods on the other hand…

@cherryassam omg you are right, I remember now that she read something in the telegraph about Lidl wines and went on about it for weeks. Asda might hit the right note, then.

Asda just essentials range sounds perfect.

How would you sitting down and doing nothing the whole time whilst DH waits on you hand and foot go?

That would send my MiL into conniptions

So your DH invited his mum to stay without asking you and then to make it up to you agrees that you can spend the whole weekend trying to offend her? Really ? I don't think so .

There must be room in your house for both 😉

Hang some new art prints. Beryl Cook and Robert Mapplethorpe perhaps.

Plant a flagpole out front and run up a Pride flag and an EU flag.

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea yep, she sort of invited herself and he has major FOG but also knows I'm not happy. He redeems himself in other ways, thankfully. It doesn't affect us day to day anyway (she lives v far), but sure, don't believe me

@cherryassam oh yes, I'll get 'he works so hard' and 'you should make him dinner earlier'

Definitely Asda just essential, Asda also have a range of bright and perhaps in your mil eyes tacky bath mats and towels.

Utterly nasty and pathetic.

Juvenile antics like that are immature and reflect on you not her.