Help me be petty

[icantwearjeans]

For reasons too long to go into, an extremely racist, homophobic, internalised misogynist, anti-feminist, fat shaming, classist woman is going to be staying with us shortly (oh ok it's my MIL) and I want to booby trap the house full of things that will offend her delicate (bigoted) sensibilities. Just for LOLs. DH is on board as payback for offering our guest room without asking me first.

Help me with my devious and petty planning. So far I've got gay erotica in the toilet, a Virgin Mary in the guest room (she hates catholics and yes I am one, albeit only culturally), a selection of wonderful 'ethnic' dinners (she counts chilli con carne and chicken korma among these). Also I plan to buy all the snacks from Lidl (she thinks anything but Waitrose is common).

Finally, because she thinks women dressed a certain way are 'asking for it' I need some good (but vaguely plausible) outfit suggestions. Oh and also she believes that all good parents should send their children to private schools - they just need to give up their mobile phones and package holidays- so any good ideas related to this would be much welcomed

Yours in pettiness,
Icantwearjeans

Just remembered, I need some Meghan Markle merch...

And can you serve the opposite of penis portions, so you have a huge portion of food and your husband has the smallest dinner. You could serve her a huge portion too, and Talk about how lovely it is to just be able to eat exactly what you want to and how lovely no one cares any more about how much people eat

Ah yes @FiatEarth we should all just be nice to racists, right. And before you ask, I have spent many an evening trying to explain to her why her views are abhorrent. Her response has always been 'oh darling, how naive!' or similar. That's why we are low contact. But for this, yes I will be vindictive.

@isthewashingdryyet yes! She has a very disordered relationship with food and has to declare every blessed thing 'too rich', so reverse penis portions it is

Catholic here about to make fun of my own religion.

• a font by the front door and bless yourself each time you go out and come in.
• May is the month of Mary so a shrine on your sideboard or something with a doily, a statue, rosary beads tidily beside and a prayer card of Hail, Holy Queen.
• the family that prays together, stays together, don’t you know. So, a decade of the rosary before bed each night.
• is St Christopher minding you as you travel?

Watch Desmonds? (It's actually very good if I remember rightly)

@TheSandgroper thanks for the inside info (am too lapsed to remember much). I remember st Anthony though - I could misplace my glasses and give him a wee prayer, no?

https://travel.earth/breakfast-around-the-world/

Also try these breakfasts

I stayed on the thread because I wanted to see if anybody else reckoned Lidl to be too acceptable - I'm glad they did - you want to buy Asda or Tesco own brand. In the kind of foods where the packaging has to be left on, so snacks that you don't put onto a doiley'd plate.

For yourself, can I recommend either tops that show off your midriff or off-the-shoulder tops but have visible bra straps. Maybe a black bra under a white top.

@icantwearjeans Well, you can try St Anthony but I pray to him every Sunday (I sit in front of him) and he still never helps me find my mind when I have lost it so I am reluctant to recommend him.

I did also think of a framed picture of the pope on the wall watching MIL as she sleeps.

I think you being petty shows how much she really gets to you. The better thing to do is not react to it and have your peace. What will the pettiness win you? More drama and no peace

@TheSandgroper ah I'll give him a swerve then. The pope in the bedroom and Jeremy Corbin on the landing, I'm thinking?

@AppleStrudel23 but racism does get to me, and I need to squeeze some enjoyment out of a bad situation! Also, it invites conversation which - though i am long past thinking I'll change her mind in any major way - feels like it might do a tiny bit of good.

Play this:

Unlike some posters I love that you are doing this! It would make me chuckle internally so much!

I would definitely include some Pride stuff - maybe you can serve her morning tea in an Ally mug or something?!

@Amiable ooh good plan, and perhaps my pronouns need a little tweak...

Parent or not, there's no way my DH would have a racist in the house.

And no way he'd agree to anyone staying without consulting me.

That's just basic manners.

I feel like the fat-shaming hasn't been adequately addressed yet. Not sure what to suggest though?

Jezza snogging the Pope will definitely bring on a conniption fit, get busy with Photoshop.

Another thread where people have read the OP and thought, “This isn’t my cup of tea but instead of scrolling past I will inform the OP of my disapproval.” 🥱

Does she like a drink? If so alcohol free wine with every meal.

What a depressing thread.

Put a picture of Ncuti Gatwa on your shelf. Say you are a born-again Whovian.

This has made me laugh!

You need to wear that black outfit from Love Triangle that one of the women wore to a dinner party. Wear that, and your MIL will never stay in your house again! The one with all the cut outs and basically a bare butt in your face (oh, to be able to wear that in Sainsburys...sigh...).

Handcuffs attached to the headboard? Lube and vibes in the bed side drawer? Black candles, a thong hanging from the door handle, a Bible on her pillow signed personally by Jesus with much love.

Lighthearted before you vipers appear with your offended pitch forks! (A pitch fork propped in the corner??)

Apologies for NRTFT but I saw 'pasta' flash by. YES! Penis pasta for tea with garlic bread to ward off vampires!

(I made a penis pasta salad for a party years ago. Many men went hurtling to the loo to throw up after realising - it was just pasta shapes with tuna, mayo and sweetcorn!)