Help me be petty

[icantwearjeans]

For reasons too long to go into, an extremely racist, homophobic, internalised misogynist, anti-feminist, fat shaming, classist woman is going to be staying with us shortly (oh ok it's my MIL) and I want to booby trap the house full of things that will offend her delicate (bigoted) sensibilities. Just for LOLs. DH is on board as payback for offering our guest room without asking me first.

Help me with my devious and petty planning. So far I've got gay erotica in the toilet, a Virgin Mary in the guest room (she hates catholics and yes I am one, albeit only culturally), a selection of wonderful 'ethnic' dinners (she counts chilli con carne and chicken korma among these). Also I plan to buy all the snacks from Lidl (she thinks anything but Waitrose is common).

Finally, because she thinks women dressed a certain way are 'asking for it' I need some good (but vaguely plausible) outfit suggestions. Oh and also she believes that all good parents should send their children to private schools - they just need to give up their mobile phones and package holidays- so any good ideas related to this would be much welcomed

Yours in pettiness,
Icantwearjeans

A playlist with

Elton John
Will Young
George Michael
etc

This is all very silly and childish.

Looks like the OP has gone for a full house. Don't believe this is true.

Can you all hold hands and say a prayer before each meal?

Can you ask her to use your preferred pronouns of they them.

How about eating with chopsticks one night and using your hands to scoop curry with naan bread the next

OMG - sounds awesome.

Light some incense
watch a French subtitled film
serve pancakes and cream from a can for breakfast
Leave g strings drying on a radiator
last but not least drunk beer while husband cooks dinner then slap his butt as a thank you....

If my mil was as yours is described

1. My DH would not invite her to stay (with or without my permission)
2. I would not stay in the house with her

Why can't you stay somewhere else if she's so horrific?

I think the day MIL found out that DH does his own ironing was genuinely the worst day of her life. You'd certainly think that from the reaction anyway.

i vote pass the time with your feet up being waited on hand and foot by DH.

Maybe stock her bedroom shelves with some reading material:

Me and White Supremacy: Layla F Saad

White Fragility: Robin Diangelo

Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race: Reni Eddo Lodge

I find this so sad, as much as you dislike her - she's your mother in law, your husbands mother and one day if you have children you will be the mother in law. It sounds like she doesn't visit often. If she is so awful then stay away during her visit and don't invite her again, bit aiming to upset her and make her uncomfortable doesn't reflect well on you .

Most towns have a "new age"/goth shop hiding somewhere. Find your nearest, and you'll probably be able to get most of the stuff you need. Make sure to get at least one item decorated with a cannabis leaf and a few pentagrams. Buy incense. Lots of it. Borrow "suitable" books from the library. Develop a passion for rap music. Go properly down-market on food shopping - farmfoods or Heron. Wear tracksuit bottoms with tight vest tops (ideally cropped).

while I support you in your pettiness agenda, I would leave religous icons/ books out of it as it's a bit disrespectful but otherwise crack on

Insense to fragrance the house - the hippier the better

Think about a notice board - you can display all kinds of right-on leaflets

Mugs, tea towels, aprons, table mats with political or saucy messaging

I don't get it. If she disapproves of so much she probably enjoys having more things to disapprove of so you'll just be giving her more enjoyment than the effort it costs you.

The beginning of this reminds me of a thing that happened to me. I was invited to visit my husbands family at Christmas. They kept warning me about his racist sexist misogynistic awful granny. Since most of them have made some racist, sexist, or backhanded comment or another in the past, I couldn’t see how she could possibly be worse, unless she showed up in a kkk hoodie and burned a cross in the mashed potatoes.

To my surprise, they all rolled her eyes at this “horrid racist” when she asked where I’m from. I told her I’m from here, I’m mixed race, and she asked about my background and seemed genuinely interested in my family. We were having a nice little chat that was interrupted more than once by one of his family members pulling a micro-aggression I can only assume they thought was “more inclusive” than her “racist diatribe” of…actually caring about my history and who I am as a person.

Listing every black person they know. Talking about that one time they went to a third world country and “really learned to appreciate” what they have. That time they donated money to an Indian scam company. That time they ate in an authentic ethnic restaurant they knew was authentic because it had a brown waiter. Telling each other I might not wash my hands but they are okay with it because it’s “just my culture” and they ACCEPT me.

They were so unaware of their own woke-itude that it was truly awe-inspiring.

As for your mother in law, you can be exactly the unworthy DIL she expects or really freak her out by acting like a kind human being for once. Whatever you choose to do, please don’t increase hatred for already marginalized groups by “tacking up gay erotica” for example. It hurts their cause, contributes to negative assumptions about them, and is generally irresponsible. You may not be as inclusive as you think you are, and you may have a lot more in common with MIL than you think.

You want St Jude, patron saint of lost causes. 😁

A hot priest calendar?

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1523599814/calendario-romano-wall-calendar-2024-hot

Announce that you’ve gone vegan. If she’s anything like my MIL it will send her into paroxysms of rage and she’ll storm off home.

Plan a Farty (dinner) Party:

Starter: five bean salad
Main course: Jerusalem artichokes. Cabbage, sprouts, whatever meat and cauliflower.
Dessert: prune compote

Serve at lunchtime. Sit back and wait for everyone to get the wind by evening. Pfffrrrrt!

I always hear "be the bigger person" and that's what I mostly do but sometimes I think fuck it and can be incredibly over the top petty and it gives me a great feeling of peace just knowing I have completely pissed whoever it is that really gets on my tits off. This might be an unpopular opinion though and I know it sounds incredibly childish because it is lol but I have generally found that these people tend to pipe down with whatever bullshit they are bringing because they love nothing more than seeing how much they get to you so yeah fuck being the bigger person all the time and nothing chills me out more than knowing I am completely pissing them off but never in an obvious way

Your post has made me snigger 🤣🤣

Its gotta be rainbow t-shirts all round OP

Leave an application for Australian residency visas somewhere visible or that she's likely to snoop.

I made a penis pasta salad for a party years ago. Many men went hurtling to the loo to throw up after realising - it was just pasta shapes with tuna, mayo and sweetcorn

If that's true they sound sad & pathetic. Throwing up because of the shape of the pasta they ate?? Really? 🤔

My MIL is exactly the same. My SIL has sent me a message with a heads up that MIL is planning a trip her with her fucking caravan and similarly charming SFIL.

You need mail addressed to you and your kids with your maiden name. Preferably from Left Wing and environmental political parties and humanitarian/equality charities oooh, and sexual health clinics. Leave it all on the coffee table with a pretty home made bong/shisha pipe.

Tie-Dye fabric wall hangings.

Hottest “Rings of Fire” curries you can possibly cope with.

Pantry cupboards and fridge full of “foreign ingredients” like dried shiitake mushrooms, seaweed, rice flour, spicy rice crackers, sriracha sauce, soba noodles, Halloumi cheese, etc. Encourage her to help herself.

Some very stylishly arranged (and Uber Catholic) Virgin Mary-shaped bottles of holy water and maybe a couple of crossed wooden stakes on a table with some garlic wreaths and crosses around a photo of her a-la Dracula.

Mini shrine with incense, waving cat and bowls of rice, place photos of Lady Gaga, Elton John and Sam Smith in B&D corset. (Preferably on same table as wooden stake shrine to grandma.) Say it is her fave GC’s work. (If they’re anything like mine, they’d set this up in a heartbeat.)

Buy DH a pink “I am Kenough” t-shirt and paint his nails.

Bob Marley bedspread on her bed.

Have you ever considered getting your hair professionally braided? Can you see yourself test-driving some weaves? There are some tasteful coloured ones I am sure would suit you.

Lots of “Alternative” bathroom products, ie Sandalwood Soap, Asian beauty products.

Can you be a ‘Cultural Catholic’ it is a religion only isn’t it?

@AliceOlive Thanks for the suggestion. I looked him up and the first thing I found was that he was the patron saint of hopeless causes. Not quite the same thing but perhaps more appropriate so I will look for prayers to St Jude.