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Original poster

If your OH has one or more children they never see...

167 replies

recoveringworkaholic · 10/05/2024 14:39

If your OH has one or more children they never see, and that you have never seen, and you know nothing about apart from what your partner has told you...

  • What do they tell you about the child(ren) and former partner
  • Do you believe everything they have said
  • Do you ever wonder whether there is another version of events
  • Have you ever asked to know more
  • Does your partner try to see the child(ren), have they ever tried
  • Depending on the circumstances, what do you think about your partner's character, does it bother you
  • Have you been in a situation like this and found out relevant details later on, maybe after years that would have influenced your thinking if you had had all the information earlier

I'm in a situation, not wishing to go into detail on the Internet, but considering these questions and appreciate any insights.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlonk · 10/05/2024 14:41

I was told an absolute pack of lies.
Found out the truth and he’s now ex.

giveitago82 · 10/05/2024 14:42

essentially i wouldn’t ever even have an OH that had no contact with his children no matter what he says the reasoning is

My alarm bells would be ringing too loudly

TheHopefulMum · 10/05/2024 14:42

A close friend recently had a partner who had 3 children from his previous marriage.

They were together around 8 months and he never once saw the children, always claiming his ex was manipulative and wouldn't let him etc. He paid for them, or so he said but never saw them or had any contact with them.

Fast forward to the end of the relationship and she found out he didn't see his children as he had charges for violence against not only his ex but the children also, as well as multiple offences for drugs and gang related violence. The relationship ended there.

giveitago82 · 10/05/2024 14:42

i wouldn’t need to ask myself the questions you ask

Ir would be a non starter with no exception

giveitago82 · 10/05/2024 14:45

OP you have a child

Don’t introduce this kind of drama and perhaps much much worse in to your lives

ZipZapZoom · 10/05/2024 14:51

giveitago82 · 10/05/2024 14:42

essentially i wouldn’t ever even have an OH that had no contact with his children no matter what he says the reasoning is

My alarm bells would be ringing too loudly

Likewise!

I don't believe for a second that a man who wanted to see his kids wouldn't just because an ex said he couldn't. Any decent Dad would fight tooth and nail to have access.

The story is always the same from these men, and yet it still comes as a surprise when the next relationship ends and they don't pay for or support the next child.

Terrribletwos · 10/05/2024 14:55

You are absolutely right to pose these questions and kudos for you for being so thorough!

CadyEastman · 10/05/2024 14:57

giveitago82 · 10/05/2024 14:42

i wouldn’t need to ask myself the questions you ask

Ir would be a non starter with no exception

Edited

Same here. There's no way I'd continue the relationship once I had found out there were other DC on the scene that he didn't care for.

Foggyfield · 10/05/2024 15:02

I would never be witn anyone that didn't see their own children, whatever feeble excuse they gave.

There is no power on this earth that could keep me from my dc, so I don't buy the bullshit.

I'd be selling my own organs if that's what it took to raise money for court, not bleating while still going on holiday/out drinking/ starting a new family that I just couldn't afford it.

IWishThatYouWouldStay · 10/05/2024 15:13

My ExH tells his current wife that he didn't see his DC for 8 years. All absolute nonsense but she used to kick up such a fuss he just lied to her and pretended he didn't see them (he didn't see them often, maybe 4-6 times a year. They've never stayed with him overnight or even been to his house. They aren't allowed to send birthday or Father's Day cards etc).

I can't decide which of them I dislike the most. Her for not letting him see his own DC or him for being so bloody weak.

My DC are grown up now and don't want anything to do with him.

Purplevioletsherbert · 10/05/2024 15:17

I don’t know the answer, but my exhusband is in a long term relationship with a woman who met our son when he was 4, was there when the police and social services questioned him about his abuse, was there when he said he didn’t want to accept any support SS offered, and stood by him deciding he never wanted to see DS again when he was 5. Two years later and as far as I know they’re still together.

The mind boggles.

LakeTiticaca · 10/05/2024 15:18

Tread carefully
He may have been abusive/violent. On the hand his ex wife might be a total witch who has poisoned his kids against him
I'm pretty sure my ex probably told anyone who would listen that I prevented him from seeing his kids. It's a pack of lies, he just wasn't interested.
Now he has 3 fine adult sons who are all doing very well for themselves and who wont give him the time of day.
He has reaped what he sowed in bucketloads x

crumblingschools · 10/05/2024 15:19

@Purplevioletsherbert hope they don't have children together

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 10/05/2024 15:21

A friend is with a man who doesn't see any of his children from previous relationships, just their joint child. I don't know how she respects him.

Changingplace · 10/05/2024 15:23

It would set alarm bells ringing so loud I’d question the relationship if I found this out, it’s very rare that women stop men from seeing their kids without very good reason, I’d take anything he said with a huge pinch of salt.

Kianai · 10/05/2024 15:24

You have a dc op.

Ask yourself what lengths you would go to to see them, if for some reason they were taken from you.

I'm fairly certain you'd go to the ends of the earth, yet these men can't even seem to prioritise seeing their dc over starting a new relationship.

Sane women don't touch them with a barge pole for a reason.

PFlower · 10/05/2024 15:26

DH has an adult child he has no relationship with and never has. He got a one night stand pregnant his first year at uni. He saw the baby once before the mother left and went back to her parents with them. Social services contacted him a few years later asking if he would terminate his parental responsibility so that the mother's new partner could adopt the child. It's a bit strange to think DH has another child in this world but he's a fantastic father to our kids. It's really nothing to do with me.

Nottherealslimshady · 10/05/2024 15:26

I would never date someone who walked out on their kids.

My mum has kids to two men who both walked out/pretty much walked out. She talks nothing but shit about them doing nothing for their kids, not paying for their kids etc.

He husband has walked out on two kids to two different to two different women. Is being chased for CSA. She can't see that he's done anything wrong. "It's different".

It's the same, he didn't want to deal with the mums anymore and it was easier for him to drop the kids too.

I actually met one of them, he's a little younger than me. His mum did the same and he lived with his grandad struggling with severe depression as a teenager.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/05/2024 15:28

I would have absolutely no interest in a man who doesn't see his children.

Kianai · 10/05/2024 15:30

Usually the women who stay with the kind of losers that don't bother to fight to see their own children say 'well they are a great dad to mine/ours'.

It seems to work out...but only while he is with you. Let me know how much effort he puts in if/when you are no longer together.

CountingCrones · 10/05/2024 15:30

I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who didn’t see his children. Men who walk away and leave the women to shoulder the entire burden of parenting aren’t worthy of my time or attention.

Men who say they aren’t able to see their children, without having moved heaven and earth to change that, aren’t the sort of people I want in my life.

Relationships may not be forever, but parenting is.

Knockon · 10/05/2024 15:34

My mother in law is currently dating a man who has no contact with his daughter.

He is a convicted child molester.

We also are NC with them.

Don’t trust men like that

Ikeashowroom · 10/05/2024 15:36

giveitago82 · 10/05/2024 14:42

i wouldn’t need to ask myself the questions you ask

Ir would be a non starter with no exception

Edited

This.

There is no excuse for a father not to see there children. Actually, there are excuses, but all of them are reasons why I would not want a relationship with a man (not allowed to due to sex offences, domestic violence etc).

Josette77 · 10/05/2024 15:46

I would never.

Kids are too important to me and I was in care. This is the biggest red flag to me.

Redlarge · 10/05/2024 15:52

Yeah its likely the mum is a crank/mentally ill/alcoholic/drug user/slag/abuser/child alienator/child abuser.
The man will 100% be the victim in all of it. Make sure to offer him support and back him up.