If your OH has one or more children they never see...

[recoveringworkaholic]

If your OH has one or more children they never see, and that you have never seen, and you know nothing about apart from what your partner has told you...

• What do they tell you about the child(ren) and former partner
• Do you believe everything they have said
• Do you ever wonder whether there is another version of events
• Have you ever asked to know more
• Does your partner try to see the child(ren), have they ever tried
• Depending on the circumstances, what do you think about your partner's character, does it bother you
• Have you been in a situation like this and found out relevant details later on, maybe after years that would have influenced your thinking if you had had all the information earlier

I'm in a situation, not wishing to go into detail on the Internet, but considering these questions and appreciate any insights.

No, that still doesn't cut it. No parent I know would just decide "oh, fuck it, I can't be arsed with this any more", however unedifying the other parent's behaviour might be. That's your child, ffs, there is nothing in this world that matters more than caring for them and having a relationship with them. If you're the sort of person who needs that explained, then I don't understand you.

There's been a lot of drive in recent years to break down the stereotype of men being lesser parents than women and their attachments being weaker. This thread is working in the opposite direction.

So I can see why faced with the sort of problems he faced he just gave up

I can't imagine any road being so tough to get access to my kids that at the end of it I'd say "I understand why he'd give up"

So basically he didn’t bother with condoms, hasn’t bothered to see his child and likely pays the absolute minimum he can in child support…

I’d throw him back - plenty better fishes than that one

My eldest no longer sees his father. My younger contacts him sporadically but he now has 2 other, younger children who he lives with. He makes no effort with his two older children. Even when my younger one would visit he would be left to occupy himself while the youngest were taken to multiple activities.

It absolutely breaks my heart to see my younger son trying to get his father’s attention.

I dated someone once who didn’t see his kids but was going through court trying to get access. In my naive, young and stupidly in love state I didn’t see the red flags and believed it was just his ex having vindictively stopped him seeing the kids after they split. Fast forward to when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant and his true colours (violent ones) showed up. I left him when pregnant and he has never so much as enquired about the birth of my child, so doesn’t know their sex/name and doesn’t see them either.

Never again would I date someone who has no contact with their children. Even if it genuinely a vindictive ex stopping them from seeing the kids (I know they do exist) I wouldn’t want to be embroiled in that emotional shit storm and would date them only when it was all sorted.

Never date anyone who doesn’t see his children ! It’s a rule I always had and it’s a rule I always suggest . A good men doesn’t stop fighting for his children , never .

Personally I'd not date a man who never saw his kids. It is very very rare you'll find a woman who is simply malicious enough to not want her kids to see their father, even if they hate the guy. IME the man is always someone with far deeper issues (abuse, alcoholic, addict) or doing something illegal she wants the kids as far away from as possible. Even the guys who just don't pay often get to see their kids - it's not pay per view, so if he isn't even seeing them there will be more at play.

My exH did not see DS until DS was 18 because he was violent and we had a long term injunction out against him.
Red flags all round.

OP what would it take for you to abandon your kid? Whatever the answer is you should apply even higher standards for any potential boyfriend.
There is no excuse on earth that justifies child abandonment. Not only are men who do this not fit to date, they should be shunned by any decent society.

I don't see any difference between this and a woman giving a baby up for adoption.

If you don't want to be a parent you shouldn't have to be because of a contraception issue for example.

Completely different from agreeing to have children and then abandoning them later.

You have to ask yourself why a mother would rather struggle on her own with zero help or zero breaks.
When the child could be with the father EOW and she’d be able to share some of the responsibility and have time to herself.

Some mums do stop contact for no good reason but it’s very rare because it negatively impacts the mum to do so.

There’s no way I could have a child out there and not want them to know that I care about them - he literally doesn’t give a shit else he would try and have a relationship with them.

You cannot have sex/a relationship with a man who refuses to wear condoms.

What does this tell you about how he feels about the woman he’s having sex with - he doesn’t care if she gets pregnant or gets an STI, as long as he has a more enjoyable experience.

That alone would have me running for the hills, regardless of whether he has a child/children he doesn’t bother trying to see.

He’s obviously a very selfish man.

He can always use a condom - problem solved.

Poor child.

mens choices are abstinence, vasectomy or condoms.
This man chose not to bother with any and chose to ejaculate in to a woman.

The story is along the lines of it was a one night stand / he didn't want her to go ahead with the pregnancy but she did. His view is she was interested in his money (he is quite well off, I don't know anything about her). He pays something in child support (I don't know how much) but has never met the child

So he's denied a child a father, if he didn't want to be a father don't have unsafe sex, in fact don't have sex at all because it will always been a possibility.

I wouldn’t stay with a man who denied his own child.

He could easily get a DNA test and find out once and for all.

How can he live his life knowing that he has a child who deserves to know who their dad is and he doesn’t care.
And how can you find a man who would be so callous attractive.

My legs would be permanently closed to anyone this vile.

Hasn’t affected my view of him at all. Essentially he was lied to, she made a choice and he deserves to make his own choice too.

Oh look, denial in the wild.

They wouldn't have got as far as being an 'OH' if they had children they didn't see.

A friend of mine is married to someone who has two children he barely sees (I suspect if not for the input of his parents and siblings he'd never see them) and I can't fathom how she seems to think he's going to be a great Dad to the children they hope to have together, when he's proving himself daily to be a shitty one 🤷🏻‍♀️

@CheeseWisely they kid themselves and think he loves them and their "little family" more.

This circumstance is a massive red flag and would make a potential mate look very unattractive!

and it would make me head straight to an std clinic.

if he really wanted contact he would be in court. This sounds dodgy to me.

I know of one man who stopped trying to see his kid because of a manipulative mother. When he left (tbf he did leave her for another woman) she told him to his face that if he ever tried to see their son she'd tell the police he'd abused her, and her mum said she'd back her up as witness.

He kept in distant touch with verbal messages passed through his stepdaughter who attended the same school and made sure the child knew where he was, and that he'd always be waiting for him.

As an adult the kid is now very close to his dad. And that was in the 90s.

I know an absolute fuckton of shitty absentee fathers though.

This
99% of the time there’s a good reason why they don’t see their children in they are the reason. Yes there are a few cases where the woman has left the country with the child and the father can’t get access. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with anyone who didn’t have contact with there dc.

My ex (together for over 10 years) does see our child often, pays maintenence etc. However he walked out on us when DC was only a few months old. Then got with another woman straight away and got her pregnant a few months later. Living happily ever after.

The bar for some women is so so low. I wouldn't go near a man with a baby who was under 12 months old, or a baby/child he didn't see, no matter what tall tale he spun me.