If your OH has one or more children they never see...

[recoveringworkaholic]

If your OH has one or more children they never see, and that you have never seen, and you know nothing about apart from what your partner has told you...

• What do they tell you about the child(ren) and former partner
• Do you believe everything they have said
• Do you ever wonder whether there is another version of events
• Have you ever asked to know more
• Does your partner try to see the child(ren), have they ever tried
• Depending on the circumstances, what do you think about your partner's character, does it bother you
• Have you been in a situation like this and found out relevant details later on, maybe after years that would have influenced your thinking if you had had all the information earlier

I'm in a situation, not wishing to go into detail on the Internet, but considering these questions and appreciate any insights.

Absolutely

Christ, the bar is so disgustingly low for some.

Or needs a roof over his head and shared expenses.

How many women do you know, if their ex isn’t violent etc, who don’t want their ex to see/have the children.
Most women I know are desperate for their ex’s to have more of a relationship with their children and take responsibility for them.

I had one (ex) friend who did try and punish her ex by making contact difficult but then would dump child on him so she could go on holiday.

I’ve met plenty of guys who complain about ‘not having access’ though. The women have a different version always.

So he had his name on the birth certificate? That story doesn’t make any sense.

Exactly this.

Relative of mine was with a man who didn't see his children form his previous relationship because their mother was "a psycho" and had "poisoned them" against him. He said that she'd made up a pack of lies about him being abusive so that she could get a court order under false pretences blocking him from seeing her and the children. He was always claiming that he wanted to pursue contact but couldn't afford it, the courts are stacked against men, it's not a good time because of whatever-excuse, it's been too long and the DC won't know him, etc. It was always that he was planning to but he never actually did it and that was all part of the manipulation.

A few years later (8...) my relative had enough and chucked him out. She has never had a single penny in child maintenance from him despite chasing it through CMS. In the early days of the break up he was seeing the children a lot and essentially trying to use them as a means to get time with her, when he realised she wasn't going to fall into bed with him at handover time the contact quickly tapered off and they haven't seen him at all for the last four years.

She knows when he has a new girlfriend because many of them will track her down on FB and message her, begging her to please try and put her hurt aside about him ending the relationship and to let him see his children because he's brokenhearted, blah blah blah. She very quickly corrects them on it.

@BustyMcgoober Which bit doesn't make sense? Yes he was on the birth certificate. He then gave up his parental rights so this other man could adopt the child. He only met the child once as a newborn. The 'child' is now in their 20s.

It just seems wildly unlikely to me that the one and only time a man meets a baby he is told he has fathered from a ONS, it’s a meeting to go to the registry office to sign to state he’s the father.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think you have the whole truth there.

The story is along the lines of it was a one night stand / he didn't want her to go ahead with the pregnancy but she did. His view is she was interested in his money (he is quite well off, I don't know anything about her). He pays something in child support (I don't know how much) but has never met the child.

I would never. Anyone who can walk away from a child is just so callous that I couldn't imagine even being attracted to them.

Did he bother with contraception?

So he's promiscuous, doesn't take responsibility for contraception, tried to persuade her to abort his child and won't see his own child.

He's not painting himself in a good light is he?

I agree with others. There are too many red flags if a man doesn’t see his children. At best, he’s uncaring and feckless, at worse violent or a serious abuser.

He’s treated her and his child appallingly. I’d have no respect for someone who fails to take responsibility for his actions. Of course she’s a gold digger 🙄 this is what he tells himself to justify his actions.
Do not get pregnant by this man. Insist he wears condoms to prove he takes not getting women pregnant seriously.

My ex DP didn’t see his grown up daughter. Well I met her once. She sends text at Christmas. He didn’t make any effort to contact her. He said there was no back story. But her mum lives in another country and they make an effort.

He said she was money oriented and as soon as she finished college and he stopped paying her rent etc she stopped contact.

having lived and dated him it would more likely he has not made an effort or tried to control things with her and she has given up. Should have been a red flag. Also including the fact he doesn’t speak to his own mother or 4 of his brothers!

If he’s got money why didn’t he use it to pay shit hot solicitors to get to see his child?

Unfortunately if a man doesn't see his children he often doesn't tell women he has them so a lot of women will unwittingly date men that have children that they just don't know about!

I am in my 50s, divorced, with adult children. I dated this “lovely “ man who seemed perfect. He didn’t see his four adult children- he told me his ex wife had “ poisoned them” against him. Stupidly I believed him.
After a few months we had a disagreement over something fairly trivial. He got drunk and sent abusive texts to both my adult children assassinating my personality. He was mortified when sober the next day and apologised but it made me realise why his children had shunned him as he must’ve done the same to them. I’ve never seen him again. Red flag not seeing children, they feed you lies.

Yep the convo I had with the new baby mum was hilarious. Telling me all about how horrific I was and how upset he was in me doing what I did. When I asked what I did I couldn't believe the lies he had told her.
She's now older, wiser, scared and left him too.

The new baby mum thinks we are evil witches 🙄 when she's received a scar off him also, she may change her mind. Nasty habit of headbutting he had. Me and the second baby mum have almost identical scars.

This.

I was very naive when I met ex-H who also had a "psycho ex".

He told me he was always fighting for contact and I stupidly believed him. He also manipulated me financially as I was told most of his money went to the kids he never saw, in another country.

It didn't, he haemorrhaged it all buying stuff for himself. When I was clearing out his stuff after finally getting him to leave I found letters from the German authorities asking for child maintenance going back years.

He saw my son for a few years without paying me anything for his upkeep, before dumping him and fleeing yet another country. I was prepared for that based on all the evidence I'd found. My DC not so much unfortunately.

I had a lot of questions for my next partner and his situation with his child. Sounds like you should dig a little deeper to get the answers you need.

Well done for getting rid of the horrible toad.

My ex didn't see his kids because of his psycho ex, she just used him for money.

The times we had any interactions everything she did backed up with he said really.

Now I'm a lot older and a bit wiser I see exactly what he did.

Now I'm the psycho ex using him for money and not allowing him to see the kids, and I did act like a bitch when he saw fit to show up with his gf because he hadn't bothered his arse for months so played into what he said I guess.

Now he doesn't see our 4 dc at all, and they are adults/teenagers so he easily could without involving me at all.

I presume he said "parental alienation" to his gf, as he said to me about his older 2.

I wouldn't believe any story like that again, and I would question everything, including my own perception of his ex.

I wouldn't be with someone that didn't see his kids. Flat no.

That's the risk you take when you decide to have sex. If you're grown up enough for the former, you should take responsibility should a pregnancy happen.

Imagine you fall pregnant OP, even if unplanned. He'd treat you the same.

I have zero respect for men who don't see their kids. None. Even if they didn't want the child and it was an accidental pregnancy - the woman has no choice but to deal with it! Even if she decides to terminate that's still not an easy decision and something she physically has to go through.
Even if the woman is "a total psycho" or whatever nonsense - the man has a responsibility towards the children and if she really is a psycho then he should fight even harder to protect his child. And if "she makes it difficult" so what, it's his child, again, he should fight for the child.

I could genuinely never be with a man like that.

My husband has 2 children that he doesn’t see and I’ve never met.

He doesn’t tell me anything about them. I don’t think he even knows I know their names.

So I can’t believe anything he says because he doesn’t. I found out from someone I used to work with who used to work with him when the children were born, he didn’t even tell me.

TBH I haven’t asked to know more. I probably know more about their current circumstances than he does as I’ve come across information about them at work (not on purpose).

It does make me question his character but at the same time, he was very young, still a child himself when the children were born.

I would react very differently now, but I was young myself when we met as he’s 8 years older than me.