If your OH has one or more children they never see...

[recoveringworkaholic]

If your OH has one or more children they never see, and that you have never seen, and you know nothing about apart from what your partner has told you...

• What do they tell you about the child(ren) and former partner
• Do you believe everything they have said
• Do you ever wonder whether there is another version of events
• Have you ever asked to know more
• Does your partner try to see the child(ren), have they ever tried
• Depending on the circumstances, what do you think about your partner's character, does it bother you
• Have you been in a situation like this and found out relevant details later on, maybe after years that would have influenced your thinking if you had had all the information earlier

I'm in a situation, not wishing to go into detail on the Internet, but considering these questions and appreciate any insights.

The basics are that there is absolutely no reason on the planet that would make a good person abandon their child. And I wouldn't want to share my life with anyone who wasn't a good person. The child is innocent and whatever the circumstances pertaining to the conception or 'behaviours' of the mother, the child should always always be a priority.

So he couldn't be bothered to use contraception then decided to punish an innocent child because of the actions of their mother. And he's happy to lucky walking round knowing there is a child out there that can't understand they their own father doesn't want anything to do with him? I'm sorry, he sounds like a complete scumbag.

And he did make a choice, he made a choice to have unprotected sex with someone he'd just met and walked away.

Doesn't like using condoms.

That tells you all you need to know about him.

Tell him to close the door on the way out.

These stories of men walking away and leaving their dc with violent, manipulative, emotionally abusive mums are amazing.

I wouldn't be assaulted and then shrug and leave my dc with them because it's too hard for me.

The knots these men, and often their partners, tie themselves in to tell these stories and get others to believe them, are truly mind boggling.

I know. The mums are so emotionally abusive and crazy that these 'men', as adults, had to leave the situation, but are happy to leave a baby/child to be subjected to it? The mind really does boggle as to what some women will believe.

@sprigatito He was barely 18 when this all happened. I suppose some people live in glass houses but I don't. He's been a solid father and husband for the last 15 years. Life isn't quite so simple or linear as we'd like it to be. He told me about his first child on our first date.

@sprigatito He was at uni. There was no maintenance to be had because there was no job! He did contact her and she wanted nothing to do with him. He was 18 and in an awful place personally. Should he have not done drugs and shagged a random girl? Absolutely. He had no family support or any support at all really. You can crucify him all you like and wish that he'd been thrown into a category of untouchables but that's just not how it works.

@PFlower right that's what happened when he was 18, what about after that, and all the years of that child's life, and now. What about the mum, what did she have to endure from getting pregnant from a one night stand? He got to call it a mistake and walk away. You are utterly deluded in thinking he's a good man, he sounds like a total cretin and I'd be embarrassed to have children with him, how will/did you explain it to them? I hope you won't be as defensive as you're being here.

Agree!

What happened when he finished Uni and got a job @PFlower? Why didn’t he get a part time job while at Uni? Even £5 a week would have helped with nappies and baby equipment. He had a responsibility to the child he created not to the mother. He could have fought for access when he was settled. I certainly couldn’t have had a child with a man I knew had abandoned another child so easily.

By the time he'd finished uni the child had already been adopted. This obviously isn't an attempt to see it from any other perspective or find any understanding at all. It's a pile on for 'evil' men. Knock yourselves out.

I only know one man who has a child he doesn't see and before I knew that about him I already didn't like him for various other reasons which says a lot.

The child is now an adult with his own child and won't let him near him so now he also has a grandchild he's never met.

How old was the mum?

I had a baby at 18.
I was a single parent with no job, no home, no family support and no support from the dad or his family.

Yet I still managed to provide the basic care my child needed and just as importantly let my child know who their parent was and that they were loved.

He may have only been 18 but he didn’t have sole responsibility and could have easily found a way to be a part of the child’s life.
He could have kept in touch even just once a month, so the child wouldn’t grow up fatherless and thinking that they weren’t wanted.

Even if for whatever reason he was too selfish at 18, he wasn’t 18 forever and he could have reached out a couple of years later and started a relationship with his child.

I couldn't be with a man like that.

I can accept a woman might "baby trap" a wealthy man. I can accept a wealthy man might be stupid enough to not take responsibility for contraception in a one night stand.

What I can't accept is a human being basically washing their hands of a child in this manner.

My husband has a son he doesn’t see anymore. (He’s mid 20s). He has cluster B personality disorder and is very difficult to deal with. Dh gave himself a nervous breakdown trying to help him, and has since been told to step away from him as he can’t do anything.

dsd has also cut contact with him recently. He is just angry and aggressive and interprets everything she says as criticism.

a lot of his issues do come from his mother (this is what dsd has told us).

we tell our kids he isn’t well, he has a lot of issues. He is intensely jealous of our kids (again dsd told us this) as they have a better life than he did, such as attending a private high school. Dh would have happily sent them to a government school for high school. It was me that wanted private and I work at the school the kids attend so we can afford it.

I was 18 when I had a baby, I didn't walk away from my baby. I'm sorry but it's a pathetic excuse.

Your DP is vile.

Hasn’t affected my view of him at all. Essentially he was lied to, she made a choice and he deserves to make his own choice too.

And the baby?? does the baby get to have a choice? Obviously that child is better off without your darling husband but at the very least doesn't he deserve to know his medical history?

Bet you'll be singing a different tune if one of your children came home with this
"not chosen" baby as a boyfriend/girlfriend. Being the father will matter then.

(Preface this by saying I’m using “the child” so as not to be identifying not because I don’t like them)

When I met my partner he hadn’t had proper “contact” with his child for a few months. He had tried phoning her, texting, had seen her in the street and spoke to her but his ex-wife was being quite difficult with actual quality time. When he met me, I supported him to try and mend things with his ex-wife and by extension child. Turned out the ex had blocked him from their child’s phone and the child thought he wasn’t bothered. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

We both built a really nice relationship with the child, even bought a bigger house so they could have their own room. So they could feel like it was their home. Spent a lot of money decorating, spoiling them etc. The child was accepted into my family like one of our own.

We had a baby and the child absolutely adored them. They were 13 by this time, the time when contact would naturally lessen in these circumstances. But the child continued to come down and stay every second weekend.

My partner and I hit a rough patch and split up for a while. His ex-wife began texting him, pouring her heart out, telling him that she was his family and loved him and would always be there for him. He didn’t reciprocate this and all of a sudden his child cut all contact. Began ignoring him and wouldn’t tell him the reason. He’s still in the dark. They both blocked us all on every platform. My child hasn’t seen their sibling now in almost 9 months.

He’s very hurt but all attempts to make contact now are blocked and at almost 16, he’s respecting the child’s wishes but hopes in the future they’ll get back in touch.

We’ve still bought Christmas and birthday presents that are sitting waiting for them.

Very occasionally it’s not because the man is an arsehole. And I say this as a feminist and man hater 😂

This.
Ma man who doesn't see his children is not worth my time. Zero viable excuses.

This isn’t even remotely grey. He’s sexually irresponsible, there is a child and he has never met him. I wouldn’t be friends with him, I couldn’t talk to him without thinking somewhere there’s a child with no father because this man is a wholly selfish asshole.

Seems this is a controversial perspective on this thread, but I do think that if very young people - eg teens on a one night stand - have a contraception mishap or some other big mistake (drunken sex without precautions) resulting in a pregnancy, and the boy/man doesn't want to be a father, but the girl/woman does want to be a mother, it is mitigating circumstances.

In an ideal world, pregnancies would go ahead only if it's a wanted child - and if both parents actually want to be parents.

I fully agree that males should take as equal responsibility for contraception as women, but condoms are of course not 100%. Are people really suggesting that boys + men should either get a vasectomy, or abstain from sex until they're ready to be a Dad? Sounds a lot like the US conservative no sex before marriage view!

[Edited for typos]

Nope. But those are their choices if they want to avoid impregnating a woman. If they choose to ejaculate in to a woman pregnancy is a likely outcome and they don't get to whine.

Yes people on here do think that, there have been threads on this very subject before and yes people think if a man doesn't want to be a father he shouldn't have sex, I would go further and extend what you said to all men (being able to opt out) not just "very young" if they are honest from the beginning.

If 2 people had sex and both used contraception but it failed, then I think it’s ok to have that conversation about one of them not being involved and the other being a single parent.

I don’t think it’s fair on the child though but I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world if both are on board.

But if the man chooses not to use a condom then he knows he is risking a pregnancy and therefore should take responsibility for it.

If a man knew a woman had an STI they would wear a condom because it benefits him but when it comes to pregnancy, many don’t care because they think they can just wash their hands of it afterwards.

The man in question was mid 40s and refused to wear a condom and so he should absolutely be held responsible for something that he was as responsible for.