If your OH has one or more children they never see...

[recoveringworkaholic]

If your OH has one or more children they never see, and that you have never seen, and you know nothing about apart from what your partner has told you...

• What do they tell you about the child(ren) and former partner
• Do you believe everything they have said
• Do you ever wonder whether there is another version of events
• Have you ever asked to know more
• Does your partner try to see the child(ren), have they ever tried
• Depending on the circumstances, what do you think about your partner's character, does it bother you
• Have you been in a situation like this and found out relevant details later on, maybe after years that would have influenced your thinking if you had had all the information earlier

I'm in a situation, not wishing to go into detail on the Internet, but considering these questions and appreciate any insights.

@PFlower I know you've had a bit of a hard time and I'm not here to add to that, but just curious, was the one and only occasion your DH saw his first child when he accompanied the mother to register the birth and put his name on the birth certificate? That seems such an odd thing to do for a child he never intended to see again.

A man who has pre teen children he doesn’t see is very problematic for me. Not so much with older children. If he’s paying maintenance, ketone in touch despite being ignored, trying mediation, still trying to make plans and not getting anywhere then I’m open to consideration. Court for a teen is pointless, they can’t force a teen to see the other parent. At that point there are many reasons by a child may not see their dad and it doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, often that of the relationship between partners is poor they feel stuck in the middle and decide the easy life is to stick with mum whose only answer to dad is “she can make up her own mind” the father needs to keep the doors open but no, if they don’t see a child and they’re old enough to decide that for themselves it can me more nuanced than great mum terrible dad and more about how the teen handles separated relationships

My ‘father’ left my mother with three young kids.
He did not make any effort to see myself and my siblings. My mother tried numerous times to involve him in our upbringing and didn’t even ask for child support
When we were older and established and in great careers my ‘father’ suddenly realised that he had three children and wanted a close relationship with us. My siblings and I really didn’t want anything to do with him
He told his new partner that my mother had refused to let him see us and had threatened to call the police if he came to the house. This was his excuse for not keeping in touch for many years
We only found this out after he died that he lied to his partner
Op , I would tread carefully

My exh didn't see our dc for a year. He wasn't allowed to see them alone (medical issues meant supervising alone was unsafe) but as he didn't agree with this he refused to see them at all and didn't even contact them by phone etc. He was always offered the choice/opportunity to meet them and spend time with them with another adult there but point blank refused because he didn't want me to 'win'.

During this time he got together with his now fiancée. They now have a child together. He is now reunited with our children and a regular pattern of contact is established but I still wonder what on earth he spun her during that time. Lies about me probably but even then you'd have to wonder why he wasn't pursuing a court case etc. She's not a stupid woman. But then neither was I, he's very good at 'talking the talk'. He didn't have any children or was in a relationship when we got together but he managed to convince me of a number of financial things that later turned out to be utter rubbish (to my extreme detriment)

I'm not excusing it. I'd run a mile if a man wasn't seeing his kids no matter what excuse he gave. But I can sort of see how you can be hoodwinked especially if you've not got kids yourself or are younger and a bit more naive. But if anyone is reading this and considering a relationship with one of these men please just sack it off. There is never a worthy excuse for them to not to see their children or to be fighting to see them. If he can do it to his children he can do it to you.

My ex hasn’t seen dd1 for 20 years since she was 5 . He only saw her sporadically before that . He had another hold that he saw as more important.

@Octomama I have no idea. I don't actually think he went to register the baby. He saw the baby in the hospital. The mum left to move home hundreds of miles away weeks after the birth. This is something that happened nearly 30 years and I had no part in it. I met DH 20 years ago.

I think it's a shame posters are so nasty on here. I shared my experience with DH because the OP asked but I won't be doing it again! The morality police on here believe only in absolutes and there's no space for any differing opinions without people resorting to nastiness. DH is a devoted father to our 3 kids and always has been. I really don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks of him but I'll be sure to tell scouts and the football league they really shouldn't have a cretin around! Blimey.

I split with ExH when DTs were 15 months. He dropped out if their lives just after their 3rd birthday.
I carried on sending regular update emails for a year or so but he never once replied. He also failed to acknowledge their birthday or Christmas and has never paid a single penny in maintenance.

He has another partner and a child with them, I wonder if the child even knows it has half siblings.
DTs are now 19 and both having a year out before going to University in September. Over the years they have occasionally asked or commented on him referring to him by his full name eg John Smith but have never expressed any interest in having contact or meeting him.

His loss.

I despise him more than any person I've ever known.

@StripeyDeckchair , I feel the same way about my ex and his partner, they are the most disgusting people I have ever had the misfortune to meet .

I despise my STBEH more than anyone I know too and believe me there are a lot of contenders anyone would absolutely expect to be higher up the list. I feel like crying when I think what he's done to me tbh.

Posters are nasty because it is fully deserved. There is ZERO excuse for not seeing your child. ZERO. Justify it any way you want to help you sleep at night, but the truth is your DH is a disgusting person.

Or, they realised their father is actually a shit father and are old enough to make their own decision to not see them, as I did with my own dad.

I think people are querying this because you said he agreed to terminate his parental rights.

In order to accrue parental rights he would have to have been on the birth certificate. For an unmarried man to be on the birth certificate he would have had to register the birth, in person, alongside the mother.

People are assuming from what you say that your DH was not married to this young woman so the only alternative is that he registered the birth in person, or he subsequently took her to court to have the court award his parental rights. The latter also appears unlikely given what you've said.

I'm sorry this has opened a can of worms for you but I don't think you've had the whole truth.

I found out a bit more. Contact stopped just after he found out she was pregnant (don't know why), he isn't on the birth certificate, the child is now a teenager. I don't know how old the mother was.

Its not sounding any better.

If they are a fit parent, courts will not prevent them from seeing their children. Only exception for regular contact is if the children live overseas eg I know someone's son who has a child from a relationship during a gap year (I know should have known better) but the grandparents have had decent contact even where their son is being a bit flaky, travelling 2-3 times a year to Italy and hosting the young lady and the grandchild at there house, but they are realistic, the parents are not suited as a couple and Brexit means complications to just live in the same country.

And i made a similar decision as a teen. My dad wasnt’ a shit dad at all but i decided not to see him for many years because i lived with my mum and she hated him and was always in a bad mood when i got home from visiting him and made comments about my time with him. I decided not to see him to keep the peace with my mum and not upset her. If you ask her she’ll say that she never stopped me, she didn’t, but it was clear she had a problem with him and that reflected on to me and I wanted to live in a peaceful house where there was no tension about my dad so it was easier not to see him. He was then out of sight, out of mind. I ignored his calls and didn’t bother to make arrangements with him or speak to my grandparents and my mum was happier and didn’t ask me about my time with my dad or get all funny when I mentioned him or anything he said or did.

Don’t kid yourselves it is all bad dads, there are plenty of older kids who make decisions not to see their non resident parents because the attitude of the resident parent makes it easier to do that than live with the impact of the behaviour of the resident parent. Yes the resident parent will bleat “but i never stopped them” not in action, but yes in implication and attitude

He wouldn't be my OH.

@PFlower couldn’t agree any more!! I did similar and got the same attitude. It seems they missed the actual title of the thread 😂 Keyboard warriors so quick to name call and slate others, their behaviour and name calling is hypocritical and ironic.

Sending a handhold x

Considering how gung-ho family courts are for fathers to have access regardless of safeguarding concerns, any man who doesn't see his children is either an apathetic liar who doesn't give a shit about them, or he has reached the very high threshold of violent behaviour which has barred him from his children.

Either scenario is bad, and not the kind of person to have a relationship with.

Gosh, some women have really got bottom of the barrel expectations for their partners.

If you think calling out deadbeat dads is being a "keyboard warrior" then I really despair. It's in no way hypocritical to say that a parent who chooses not see their kids is a shit human being. Sorry your bar for men is so low.

Here they come again 🙄😂

You can have your opinion. But you need to accept that not everybody agrees with your opinion. Name calling and offensive language just because somebody else’s views (who have actually experienced what the OP is asking) are different is absolutely not okay.

I appreciate that you must feel very strongly about this topic, but you can be polite with it. I’m sure if you had a disagreement at work with your manager you wouldn’t start name-calling and ‘calling them out’ so there is no need to do it here.

Life can get complicated, and its not always as simple and clear cut as some posters think it is.

But, people post things based on their own experiences - whatever they are.🤷‍♀️

Well, no. Because I need to be professional with my manager in a work related environment. I don't need to be professional on a mumsnet thread.

And I actually think it is fine to call men who abandon their kids names. That's not a "different opinion" it is being a shit, vile, human being. I'll continue to call it out whenever I want.

And I'll never be polite about a man who abandons his kids, I'm under no obligation to do so and I don't think they deserve politeness.

I knew a couple, they split up, two kids. One parent abducted the children to their home country, not a signatory to the Hague Convention. Children not seen again until they were adults and could vote with their feet.

No exceptions seems harsh.