Lord help me, a child with no manners is around for a sleepover

[Rainallnight]

Good friend of DD is over on a sleepover. Both going on 8. There hasn’t been a single please or thank you from the friend. I am probably being unreasonable (hence not posting in AIBU!) but I find it very grating and it’s going to get on my nerves all the through.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

That would tell you a lot about their parents surely?? Although there is the possibility their parents only buy own brands and eg Mcvities digestives or proper icecream is a huge treat, and they are angling for a huge treat stay at yours.

Yes it’s part of learning English! It’s like in French you write ‘big kisses’ and you use Vous, you don’t say oh no we don’t say anything like that English and we don’t have a polite form.

It takes a village as they say

I think you always need to take the opportunity to teach DC things they're not aware of

Clearly this poor DC has no idea about social niceties

Just reinforce the Please and Thank you

That’s what my almost 2 year old Granddaughter said the other week when she was asked about the “magic word.🤣🤣🤣

No own brands!! I’m laughing here at the cheek or is it cheak 😳 of them. I’m afraid they’d be getting Stamford Street brands from Sainsbury's if they came here and liking it.

God I’m glad those days of sleepovers are long gone. I’d think twice about inviting child again but if it’s best friend I would suck it up.

I think the ship’s sailed too far out in to the Ocean now. Expectations about behavior and manners have to made from the start.

When I visited my husband’s family in India , they were gently amused by my use of Dhonyabad to say thank you. Not only because I couldn’t pronounce it very well, but also because I massively overused it. My husband explained that you might use that word at the end of a long stay to thank the host for the entire two weeks of hospitality, but not for each time someone offered you a biscuit etc. Also my interpretation of the culture, though I may be wrong, was that social rules are quite hard, so many things are considered a ‘duty’ and you absolutely can’t ‘not do’ them. So I was thanking, because I saw their acts as a kindness to me (eg. Cooking a delicious meal). However, they would say, ‘Oh it’s my duty’ and wouldn’t expect thanks, because it had been done out of a sense of duty. Like I said, I might be wrong about that. Anyway, the focus on using the specific words ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ is quite British. If you think about it, you can be quite rude in your tone and still stick a thank you on the end. Or you can be a perfectly pleasant child who just doesn’t say it much. I will correct my children if they demand something in a rude way, that sounds like ordering around, but I sometimes forget to insist on ‘Please’, because it’s a given that I’ll do certain things for them. Thank you and sorry are ones I encourage more.

I’ll volunteer.

numerous Indian languages do not involve please and thank you as part of everyday parlance. The formal word for them do exist in the dictionary but it’s just not how the language works at an operational level. Same for “I love you”. In my culture of origin in India, forexample, having a conversation in Bengali and saying the expression for thank you or please to my grandma or aunty say - would cause guffaws and complete bafflement. So would randomly saying I love you for example at the end of phone calls with mum/dad etc

Bengali woman here married to white British man. I live this difference every single day. Good to see you recognise it too!

I took ds and a couple of friends to a soft play. I was queuing to get them a jug of cordial to share. One went up to the counter had a look at the drink options and said to me "il have a pint of coke" and walked off. He was 6!!

I don't believe it makes them feel anything at all. To a child it's a reminder of what's expected and never done unkindly.

Gold standard? Oh please ,🙄

I think the posters asking if they child has immigrant parents have a point. Home influence is massive, especially if both parents are immigrants. In my mother tongue it's considered polite to say: "Could you open the window?" "Could" implies "please" already, so I often forget it and probably annoy English people. I also don't notice if my kids use "please" as long as the sentence and tone seem polite to me.

I was just thinking along the same lines. The thing is that ‘please’ is only really sufficient as a formality. That is, for example, when buying goods from someone whose job it is to sell them to you or when you want the butter from someone across the table. If it’s a real favour and there’s a significant chance they’ll say no, then ‘would you mind’ or ‘would it be ok’ are more appropriate and adding please might sound a bit desperate or cajoling.
Just saying ‘please could you do x’ can actually feel demanding - as if the request is only a formality when you actually want someone to really put herself out for you.

We’d be destined not to get on with that approach tbh

Sleepovers do odd things to even the nicest children - they go feral, get high on sugar, push boundaries in a way they wouldn't at home. Tbh they're a bit of an ordeal for everyone but the kids think they want them and we let them have them because we think of them as a 'normal' childhood experience. Actually, everyone would be most comfortable at home in their own beds and space, where the behavioural expectations are clear and there's no tricky social situations to navigate. It's a tough one for an 8yo to read between the lines of what's expected of them - especially because as a sleepover parent, you're not going to come out and say "A few pleases and thank yous wouldn't go amiss, you rude little cretin!" 😂.

They're like unaccompanied playdates (which I think are bad enough!) on speed, and so I'd tend not to judge a child who found them difficult to deal with. And children deal with difficult situations in different ways - some children are quiet and shut down, some cry and weep. My older one has always dealt with being tired and strung out by getting a bit hyper and naughty. And both of mine find it difficult to get to sleep at night sometimes. Goodness knows what they'd be like in a strange house without a parent there!! Luckily we've only hosted sleepovers so far and only 2 of them as a favour to the parent (same child, parent overnight in hospital).

The kids think playdates and sleepovers are just for fun but actually I think they're quite a tricky ordeal for them to navigate successfully and without offending anyone (and without a parent there to remind them of their manners!). I tend to make a joke of it - "Who would like the biggest slice of cake? I'll give it to the person who can say the nicest thank you." It's a learning process for them and ime the kids who are 'best' at these sort of things aren't necessarily the nicest or most well-behaved ones, but the more confident ones who have had lots of experience having playdates/sleepovers with family and other friends.

Of course, the child could just be a total little monster... they do exist!

What the heck 😲

I'm a child of immigrants with no 'please' in the language. I'm in my 50s and my mum still sometimes says 'I worry that I didn't bring you up with 'English' manners.'

I still sometimes forget to use please and thank you appropriately. I try and remedy it when I realise it, usually with a text about 24 hours too late. What's ingrained at home is hard to shake. Thankfully I work for a German now and we have agreed to dispense with almost all niceties. We still know we both mean well, like and respect each other.

For the OP, it's fine to gently correct, as some have suggested in this thread by repeating their request and mildly adding a 'please' or whatever.

It’ll be the fact she’s never been brought up with manners rather than choosing not to use the
At 8 this is the parents fault not the child’s
it will come across as you are telling her off for something she has no idea about

I'm English and was brought up to always say please and thank you and my friends parents always commented on it, I think I said it too much.

As an adult, I really don't care if kids say please or thank you as long as their tone is polite and they're being kind and thoughtful. It's just a filler word that adults use as a power trip over children, it's completely meaningless if you make them say it.
Personally I think it's rude to make a young child who's a guest in your house feel even more uncomfortable by prompting them to say please.

I'm emphatic with my own children about their manners but I would never dream of correcting another child and I have seen all sorts of behaviour. The purpose of the playdate or sleepover is to have a nice time with their friend and as the host it's our job to make them feel safe and welcome, not to educate them on their manners and our personal values. There's nothing more patronising than "in our house" and "what do you say?" to a child who isn't yours. My children will often later on observe that their friend didn't do this or that as we expect them to do and I take that as a sign we have done our job in making them aware but polite to others around them as to what's expected. They will come across all sorts in their life and I think it teaches them to be tolerant in all situations. I would never correct another adult on their manners so why would I do that to someone else's child?! Unless it's impacting their safety or influencing your child in any way, I'd turn a blind eye and put your energy into ensuring they're having a lovely time

I think manners are important, (or certainly in the UK).

When someone offers you a biscuit for instance, it’s polite to say thank you when taking it. If a door is held open for you to walk through, it’s polite to say thanks.

If a child says “I want a drink,” that comes across as very rude.

I work with children and will correct them every time.

Manners cost nothing.

*OhHelloMiss
Always correct her

I work in a men's prison and correct each and every one of them! Not acceptable behaviour*

So do I and I don't allow them to say certain swear words either !

Idk if I can let this comment slide tbh as someone with a 205 day streak on Duolingo. Bitte and danke are in almost every sentence on the app. Are you telling me they're teaching me wrong 😞

😂