Lord help me, a child with no manners is around for a sleepover

[Rainallnight]

Good friend of DD is over on a sleepover. Both going on 8. There hasn’t been a single please or thank you from the friend. I am probably being unreasonable (hence not posting in AIBU!) but I find it very grating and it’s going to get on my nerves all the through.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

So glad I never did sleepovers.

@Rainyspringflowers you've helped me see this differently. Do you think I should have contacted her after the drop-off to tell her her DD had been rude? She asked me a question and I answered honestly but she probably saw it as a courtesy question while I took it literally.

Icelandic has no word for please.
But it does have 45 words for green, and probably very many for cold!

The child who wouldn't eat own brands would have had a hungry sleep over at my house!

Loads of languages don't have please!

However they will have other ways of showing politeness

My kids say this if I ever ask "What's the magic word?"

It would sound horrible or alienating to an adult or a teenager, but kindly said, with a smile, to a fairly young child it is direct and outlines expectations. 🤷‍♀️

Don’t say a word to her about it OP - you’d be surprised at how many children are not taught this at home. Let her enjoy herself she might feel homesick and want to go home if you start chiding her over something so small in the bigger scheme of things.

I gave them the own brand food and said nothing 😬

Neighbours parents not born in UK but the kids were. I always use to get them to say please and thank you. I also made sure my kids said thank you for having me if they played at their house. Kids soon cotton'd on

Was just watching an episode of supernanny where a four year old screamed at his mum that she was a fucking bastard. This thread is such a contrast haha

It's irrelevant whether the child's home language contains words that would translate as please and thank you. Rudeness is obvious regardless of the language, and anyone wanting to make a home in the UK needs to make sure their children can speak English and fit in with cultural norms, which are (or were) that we say please, thank you, sorry, excuse me, and all sorts of other polite phrases, a lot. It comes across as extremly abrupt to omit all the polite words.

I think it’s ok to gently correct but also I would definitely consider tone - is she being generally rude or is she just clearly excited and happy to be there and so possibly forgetting?

My prefered way of correcting to saying say ‘can I have a chocolate?’ Would be to very pleasant and say ‘oh yes of course but I think you meant ‘please may I have a chocolate?’

My daughter used to forget this and I did used to feel embarrassed/correct her, and I remember I used to forget to say it too and get told off! For both me and my girl it was actually down to shyness, believe it or not - i would feel so stressed and overwhelmed talking to a strange adult (I really was a nervous wreck of a child) that manners would go right out of my head!

I think whether you correct her, and how you do it, should depend on her overall manner. Is she rude generally in tone etc? Or just forgetting these words?

You can correct without being overly strict. Just repeat her request with the word "please" added in a mild tone. She says "can I have a drink?". You (gently) say "can I have a drink please? Yes of course you can ". I know sounds a bit nutty, but done in a mild tone, it actually does make a difference while avoiding confrontation. (It's what we do in school - does work quickly with most kids, honest).

I agree you insist upon it nicely. Kids are normally keen to please and will do it if they are asked to.

I believe Finnish doesn't really have the same requirement for please and thank you. One of my colleagues is Finnish and we've discussed this before. She explained that in Finnish she'd say 'Get me a coffee' which obviously doesn't go down well here .

We have friends whose DS is like this. I find it so hard not to let it get to me but it's just such basic manners. I don't feel I can correct him with the parents there but if they are out of ear shot I absolutely do pull him up on it. Last time I bought all the children ice creams and didn't get a thank you from him and the parents didn't think to tell him to say thank you either. Just found it really disappointing as they aren't rude people at all and get on with them so well but their child is so entitled and rude, it just doesn't make sense!

@RicePuddingWithCinnamon
I would have seen this as a challenge and given them all own brands to see if they noticed.

Basic manners are a huge deal in the bigger scheme of things.

Child is 7. If the worst behaviour is them not saying please or thank you then it’s all good. That’s so little for a sleep over.

Teenage DS had one of these. ‘Josh are you staying over?’ ‘Yeah’.
‘Josh we’re having bacon sandwiches do you want one?’ ‘Ok’
Dropping him home he would say ‘bye’ to my son and ignore me.
My son found him hilarious. 😏

Please and thank you are not routinely used in Ukraine, according to my Ukrainian guest.

Is that what your guest told you when you pulled them up on it?

Op, I couldn’t help reading your thread title in the voice of Mary Cooper (mother of Sheldon in Young Sheldon). I can just imagine her saying that!

Also the child of an immigrant- politeness is inferred by tone. I think we're too culturally diverse a society to insist the only proper way to do things is the traditionally British way. It wouldn't occur to me to be offended by this as long as the tone were appropriate.

Sounds like my children 🤣
They refused to eat any of the supermarket “value” range, lol they’ve all left home and to this day I still don’t buy the cheapest stuff

Omg hahahaaa cheeky fucks! I’d have made a special shopping trip for all the own brands I could carry 😆

While the UK is a multicultural country, the social norms are still the traditional ones - saying please, thank you, holding the door open for the person coming behind you, shaking hands etc. Not to do these feels rude to a British person, and to others from different backgrounds who have become used to the societal norms.

I think that someone who doesn't say please, thanks, excuses me etc is rude and boorish, I don't think they're being polite in their own way.

If the parents are there loudly complimenting another child for their "lovely manners" is quite a good approach, not directly correcting their child but pointing out to the child you've noted their own lack of manners. In a classroom nothing encourages good manners like complimenting one child on theirs, rest of the class are suddenly falling over themselves to say please and thank you.