Lord help me, a child with no manners is around for a sleepover

[Rainallnight]

Good friend of DD is over on a sleepover. Both going on 8. There hasn’t been a single please or thank you from the friend. I am probably being unreasonable (hence not posting in AIBU!) but I find it very grating and it’s going to get on my nerves all the through.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

I think we're too culturally diverse a society to insist the only proper way to do things is the traditionally British way.

I think that immigrants everywhere should make the effort to adapt to the social norms of their host/adopted country. Less tensions that way.

It does start at home but personally I don’t believe it starts in other people’s homes.

I seem to be forever trotting out the same response on these threads but the basic premise of manners is to put others - especially guests - at ease. It isn’t something you insist upon extracting from others or parading about how marvellous they are “ in THIS house.” MN seems to get this completely inside out and upside down - and feel it evidences how well-mannered they are.

How do you think it makes another person feel - particularly a child away from their home - to be told they are not cutting your gold standard? It makes them feel small and not up to scratch. Some children simply aren’t taught manners and it isn’t good manners to point that out. It might be educational, but don’t dress it up as your own good manners, because making your criticism of other prople’s manners known to them is in itself the height of bad manners - especially if it’s being done because you want them directed at you. There is of course the old tale of the king and the foreign guest…

If they were generally joining in, playing nicely with your DC and a pleasant child I wouldn’t make a big deal of it. One of my DC naturally says please and thank you without ever being prompted, the other needs reminding almost every time. She’d be mortified if she was pulled up on this at someone’s house as she genuinely wouldn’t mean to be rude it just hasn’t sunk in yet (she’s 6). So I’d give her some grace unless she’s being actively rude.

I agree with this.
A child correcting her guest is probably more obnoxious than a child guest not saying please or thank you.

Yes, I well remember the young daughter of a Greek-mother-tongue friend, who’d just say, ‘I want water.’

The direct translation in Greek doesn’t sound rude at all. Greek does certainly have ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ though.

I like this… one is making a point but not embarrassing the child

I would have done some 'taste testing; with the brand child - to see if there were some they did not know..

@RicePuddingWithCinnamon this reminds me of when my youngest brother was a school kid and went for tea to his best friend’s house after school for the first time. DB was a very fussy eater, to the extent that he would only eat Heinz Baked Beans (any others he would refuse and my Mum sadly indulged him).

When served up his tea (something along the lines of nuggets, waffles and beans), he questioned his friend’s Mum as to whether the beans were Heinz. Even though she confirmed they were, he made her get the empty tin can out of the bin to prove it before he would start eating his tea.

Thankfully friend’s Mum found it amusing, but my mum was mortified when she mentioned it at pick up time.

Yeah kids in my house get treated the same as DS on the manners front. "Please?" Before I'll bring anything they ask for "thankyou?" Before I hand it over.

"Yes please or no thank you" if they ignore an offer I make.

I'll take your ipad or games controller out your hand if you're ignoring me.

Idgaf, you treat me with respect in my home and my kid ain't learning your manners.

I agree. Saying please and thank you is a staple here. At least have a polite tone.

We drove another child, with our child, to an extra-curricular activity for an entire year, going about 20 minutes out of our way to collect and drop-off, and not once did they say “thank you” when they got out of the car.

We thought we might be thanked after the final drop off of the year but … nope … it’s not why we did it so no big deal but I’m afraid I did judge the parents a bit.

Absolute tosh. Children are perfectly capable of adapting to and learning from different environments. And basics like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are hardly a gold standard.

We speak mainly English at home although the kids all understand and speak our mother tongue too. If they're speaking in English please and thank you are added, in Gujarati the way some words are used include the meaning of the word please so you wouldn't say an actual please but the meaning is there.
Of course there's the ruder way of speaking too wherein it would be pretty clear that please was being purposefully left out but the kids know they'll be pulled up on it Instantly and corrected and an apology expected.

With a visiting child I'd just prompt them and add the please on in English or correct gently in Gujarati.
Child: Give me that
Me: please
Child : please
Then I'd probably say thank you so child will mimick. ( All depending on age of course)

Did you call?

Yes, this. ^

You're very easily annoyed. Perhaps your child is the same when visiting their friend's house.

My DDs are teen and adults now. Some of their friends were rude beyond belief and I would correct them when they were little. Now, the two who were the worst, one is very warm toward me and sends me little messages of "loved having you as a my 2nd mom" the other is always pleasant when I see her and she and I have nice adult talks now. Obviously, neither kid were hurt by my reminders (I was firm but polite).

no own brands
I want to be shocked but I think I'm actually a tad in awe that children come with their own riders these days😂

But why are you requiring it of them? You’re thinking of yourself basically. And that isn’t good manners. It’s nothing to do with whether they can: of course they can. It’s how you make them feel - all just so you can feel good/ not irritated.

It seems like such a small thing. Kids are just learning how to behave- you can’t judge them by adult standards.

This. Someday they may look back glad someone taught them manners

lol

It’s not about judging them by adult standards. It’s about showing them how to behave appropriately. Of course telling children to say please and thank you is ok!
This is quite hilarious.