Lord help me, a child with no manners is around for a sleepover

[Rainallnight]

Good friend of DD is over on a sleepover. Both going on 8. There hasn’t been a single please or thank you from the friend. I am probably being unreasonable (hence not posting in AIBU!) but I find it very grating and it’s going to get on my nerves all the through.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

I was brought up to be polite but had the piss taken out of me for it in more than one work place as a young adult (literally I once said please could you print a cheque for me and apparently I was a hilarious specimen that they'd not come across before. In another workplace I was called partially posh). So I'm trying to bring my kids up to be more adaptable - not every faction of society cares about pleases and thank yous. As such, as long as kids are pleasant and not being actively stroppy then it wouldn't bother me.
Nowadays I talk to clients who often apologise for effing and jeffing when they're talking to me. Different world.

Idk if Id tie myself in knots over a kid not saying please or thank you I'd just say "what do you say" and then they'd remember you've gotta bear in mind kids are forgetful and if they didn't intend to be rude then why get mad.
However I've hosted some delightful little sprogs who shout and stomp their feet and demand things, which is a whole different kettle of fish

This is why I STILL remind my kids when they go for a sleepover, “Remember to your ‘yes please’ and ‘no thank-yous’!”

I’m clearly in the minority here as this would not have bothered me one tiny bit. And never in a million years would I have “corrected” someone else’s kid. It’s a fun sleepover, not an etiquette seminar!

Oh come on, it’s not rude. That are a young child. They are just copying what they have heard their parents say about own brands. They have no idea this is not acceptable to say to you in this context.

If a parent had sent this note it would be rude, but not a child.

Sorry but it isn’t really your job to be teaching other people’s kids.
In my native country we also don’t use please . We say things in very kind tone to indicate politeness. I now say please as I have lived here a long time, but would be pretty annoyed if someone thought it’s their job to correct me or my child.
It really is nothing to do with you .. ( unless kid was being actually rude)

@YourAquaSnail I'm really interested that this isn't your experience. It's certainly what I've seen, been told and heard from both guests and hosts.

Perhaps there are language differences in different parts of Ukraine? Although my information has come from both Ukrainian and Russian speakers.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Do this child a favour and ask her to use please and Thankyou. This child is unlikeable and can be corrected. Other parents won't have her again at their home and she'll miss out on friends.

Of course it’s fine - important even - to tell your own. It’s also fine for those in the role of educator imo.

But for those hosting it’s overstepping.

These threads come up quite a bit on MN because it’s a very MN thing. And actually quite a few posters have at times come out of the woodwork and said they weren’t taught manners and pointed out they did find it really humiliating to be pulled up
on it. If you and your children have been taught, it can seem the most natural thing in the world, but to people who haven’t it isn’t always, and being around people who make it clear they find you somehow less acceptable for it can be distressing for them.

Manners are a thing you extend to others as an act of graciousness; like compliments, they aren’t something you demand for your own comfort and sensibilities or their value is quite diminished.

By all means teach your children good manners; but by knowing you personally think certain habits are polite but refraining from pulling guests up on it you will be modelling true graciousness for them.

It’s not so very different from not pulling people up on their grammar. “Could of, would of , should of” really grates on my ears but I wouldn’t dream of snapping at someone “you ought to know it’s could have.” It’s tantamount to saying you look down on them/ find them annoying/ consider them “ not brung up proper.” It’s just not kind … or polite.

Agree and some parents can't be arsed making the effort to teach manners. I feel for these kids as it's not their fault they don't know. So I would say, 'you're welcome' too and it usually prompts. I don't see the point of inviting a child to your home for 18 hours and expecting to chastise them and embarrass them. If you don't like them don't have them back but don't use it as an opportunity to shame them, you just don't know what their life is like.

I would expect a please and a thank you every time. I expected it in every classroom I taught in and from every friend who came to play/ sleepover. I also expect it from trick or treaters . It only takes a few minutes in my company to get the gist. As my grandad used to say " You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". Be polite. It'll get you a long way.

I agree.

Gosh, your company sounds thrilling!

Trick or treat?
This reminds me of Something in Rab C Nesbitt
Child: ’Stick it up your arse’
Mother: ’Manners!’
Child: ’Please’

And shyness can impact too. Shyness doesn’t always present as a quiet, withdrawn child. Some shy children go a bit OTT silly and that can mean manners go out the window.

Just keep teaching your own dcs and eventually the little visitors will notice and cotton on. Manners are best absorbed in a safe place not an intimidating, judgy one. And at the end of the day if they are only thanking you because they are scared you’ll snap at them for not doing it, what is the point? There is nothing more rewarding than a previously manners-mute child giving you their first voluntary thank you.

Such a good post!

Use of “please” and “thanks” in an instructive, directive, passive aggressive way by Brits drives me up the wall. MIL always says please at end end of her sentence and what she really means is “do it now” or “do it or else” (even to adults!). Changes the true meaning and tone of these words

She is a guest, and pulling her up on her Ps and Qs would be much more rude than she is being!

It’s a massive faux pas to correct guests or make them feel uncomfortable. I’d be much more worried if my children piously corrected their friends than if they forgot the odd please.

What, no Harrods, Fortnums or God forbid Waitrose then, how rude.

Yes where does one get food from without it bearing a brand ( and a royal warrant!?)

Btw in fairness to op we’ve many of us gone on a bit of a rant ( esp me, actually 🤣) yet I don’t think OP HAS pulled her guest up: was just getting it off her chest by posting - which I think was a good move oP!

It’s true you cannot help but notice sometimes …

DS had a friend that never said thank you, they were the same sort of age as your DD. I mentioned this to DS, he’d noticed it too, then he and another friend started saying THANK YOU very loudly and pointedly when this friend didn’t! The message got through.

But then so what if she does? Is op expected to put up with rudeness in her own home?

😂