Lord help me, a child with no manners is around for a sleepover

[Rainallnight]

Good friend of DD is over on a sleepover. Both going on 8. There hasn’t been a single please or thank you from the friend. I am probably being unreasonable (hence not posting in AIBU!) but I find it very grating and it’s going to get on my nerves all the through.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

Lots of cultures don’t use it as much as us - my German friends are baffled by the amount of times people say please and thank you in the UK 😂

I think teaching children manners and courtesy is great, and for the most part I continue these things in adulthood (well, quite old now but definitely qualify as a grown up) but the one thing I don't really do is say please. I say things like, 'would you mind if x, but it's no problem if not' or 'is there any chance of x'. Whereas 'please get me x' almost feels too rigid or formal or... something? I am effusive in thanks and try to ask for things in ways that are respectful, but somehow a direct 'please could you do x' makes me feel awkward.

Anyone else?

I try to push thanks and general good manners from the kids, but I don't model the please part of it well, but rather go down the route of, would you mind, is it ok if I, etc,

I thought it was alright but my (now ex) husband used to get so annoyed by it.

DD has a good friend who omits please and thank you (weird as the friend's siblings are all very polite).

At first it used to annoy me, now I let it wash over me and focus on the good things about this friend, she's fun, she's creative, she is never mean or judgemental, she gets involved and wants to interact with us all. Of course I still think the please/thank you thing is rude, but it's not my problem to solve.

Yeah maybe. That would be annoying for their hosts.

This is a really interesting discussion. I tried a gentle reminder once or twice and then decided it wasn’t my job.

And then I had bigger problems when she flatly refused to go to bed 😬

I'd just like kids in school to use manners sometimes.
"Need a pen. "
"Do you mean 'can I have a pen please, Miss? "

Or just not letting the door swing back in my face. Once upon a time, kids used to hold doors open as a matter of course. Now it's such an event, I fall over myself in thanks.

I feel exactly the same!
i find please too rude in a way and problematic. I’m ok with thank you. I understand that.

That’s interesting. I think I’m quite like this in work, possibly in a slightly over-elaborate ‘could you possibly/I’d be so grateful if you could…’ kind of way.

Maybe she's missing her mum.

get the parents to pick the child up

Also a child of immigrants.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with politely prompting kids to use their manners.

Even if they don't use them at home, they'll be expected to use them at school, so the prompting won't be alien to them.

I would prompt and if the kid is rude, don’t invite her again.

Even Americans don’t use please and thank you the same way we do, so it may be cultural. I used to think my American family member was rather rude when they first married into the family, took me a while to get used to the more direct language.

q: would you like a drink?
Brit a: ‘yes please’
American a: ‘sure’

brit ‘please can I have a glass of water’
American ‘can I get water’

etc etc, plus the above posts about some languages not even having words for please.

Another example is the use of ‘he’ and ‘she’ when you are present, feels really rude to me but is quite normal in American English. For example, American family member says to waiter ‘she would like a coffee’ rather than ‘Parrotpirouette would like a coffee’
(sorry, difficult to explain that one)

Yes. My DC, having ASD, would absolutely know to say P&TQ but might struggle to get it out in time. The worst I had was a 12 y/o girl who stood in my sitting room at 2am with her hands on her hips eyeballing me & saying No when I told her to go back to bed (she wanted to wake up rest of sleepover group 'for a party in the garden''). And a boy of 12 who lay on the floor & had a tantrum when I wouldn't let him take 1 of Ds' 'spare' (not) birthday gifts home. I know both sets of parents well. Neither child had additional needs. But both were exceptionally spoiled.

Goodness, surely we can infer whether another person' tone is polite or impolite without resorting to admonishing them for omitting our preferred words?

Please is ridiculous and thank you is only worth anything if genuinely meant. Why do we insist on these platitudes in any case? So little of our communication with one another is predicated upon words, it seems beneath our moral standing to insist children acquiesce to our possibly outdated verbal preferences.

Sorry, what has the child of immigrants got to do with anything?

Were you being raised in the UK, with certain societal norms? You can't tell me that the need for P&Q's escaped you... It's repeated ad infinitum

I'm Ukrainian and this couldn't be more wrong. Both please and thank you are commonly used in Ukrainian.

I hope you gave them own brands. Just to make a point.

Let them go hungry or eat them.

I cannot be arsed to tolerate rude people - child or adult.

I would correct every single time with a reminder. If child goes home and tells parents that you pulled her up for not saying please and thank you, perhaps it might give the parents something to think about. I'd wager my last block of dairy milk they won't though.

I must have misunderstood?

You aren't really condoning being a rude twat, are you???

There is always one. 😴

Edited to add eye roll 🙄

I find this somewhat odd to say that children aren't taught manners because they are children of immigrants etc etc.

DSs school are really shit hot on making sure the children say please and thank you. It's so ingrained into the school day and culture it hasn't even occurred to me that it's not something particularly that's typical.

I help out in the school and all the staff remind the children as part of routine. It's from the head to the dinner ladies.

And yes there are plenty of immigrants or children of immigrants.

It's worthwhile in the long run because culturally it is likely to help you make a good impression. Just getting an interview it might give you an edge over others without even realising.

Honestly, no. We can't just assess whether someone is being polite by tone because not saying it IS rude by UK standards. It's not outdated. It's very much of the current era.

Only someone monumentally rude or ignorant would say this.

But a please or thank you can be considered rude with a tone?

I’d let it go tbh. When I read your thread title I was imagining a lot worse, like they were leaving lots of mess around etc.

What happens at hone is usually the bigger influence. I admit I felt I had a big learning curve to try to catch up with perceived politeness. My culture and upbringing gave me a direct way of communicating. And I like it.

It did.

I wasn’t taught cutlery etiquette either. I had to pick that up but I still eat left handed even though I’m right handed. Lots of little rules I didn’t pick up till my 20s and beyond.

i work with the public and tone is key no matter what words are used.