Did you re-allocate childrens' bedrooms when eldest went to uni?

[CrikeyDozes]

my eldest is do to go to uni in Sept. they currently have the best bedroom: biggest, on floor of its own, small en suite. their siblings all want that room although each sibling has their own room of a decent size. i dint want the eldest to feel thus is not their home and they became less important and were considered to have moved out for good when they went to uni so I was planning on keeping their room for them. Their siblings, in particular the next oldest, are outraged.

do people usually re allocate bedrooms at this point? does it not leave the eldest feeling pushed out?

@MovingSwiftlyOn She heavily hinted. She didn't want the switch in the first place despite the fact she had a year rental contract and no plan to move back at that point. Her room does suck, it's a small single, we managed to squeeze a small double bed in there she has a half wardrobe/cupboard and a book case. There's no room for anything else.

But when dd was in there all her toys had to be kept downstairs

This.
I usually roll my eyes at "snowflake" comments but no wonder young people have so much anxiety now if something that is supposed to be fun and exciting and an incredible opportunity is pathologised as hard and scary by the adults around them.

Am also an eldest child and absolutely think someone else should have the room. From the comments here you'd think the alternative was putting them in the gutter or windowless basement rather than a perfectly nice alternative room!

MN is such a sea of contrasts, on one hand there was a thread last week suggesting a 16 year old still in school full time shouldn't receive any money from his parents and in fact should pay them rent because he had a part time job, whereas on here an adult being asked to move to a slightly smaller room because they won't be around to use it for more than half the year is traumatic and unfair!

I offered to swap rooms with my siblings when I went to uni because it seemed so obvious that it was ridiculous to leave the bigger room empty for most of the time.

I'd be less worried about eldest feeling "pushed out" when they CHOSE to go to uni and will have 2 bedrooms, than the younger dc feeling second best because the best room in the house is kept as an empty shrine to golden child first born.

When I went to uni my room was given to my brother straight away, but he and my other brother were sharing. When I came home they bunked in together.

No-one minded a bit.

Ds1 and 2 shared a room.

4 year age gap.

Ds1 went to Uni, but moved to his Dad's for the duration.

They had a StudyBed each, so ds2 started using his as a bed and his brothers as a desk so he didn't have to convert every night.

Ds1 was away for four years (Scotland) plus an extra year due to Covid and when he returned (his Dad had had enough of having him) he was happy to sleep on the sofa for a few months until he found his own flat.

DDs moved out years ago comes home every 2/3 weekends
DD still in tiny room cos he won't swap

Don't do it. My brother bagged my room and only used it for 6 months before he moved out - never found half my stuff and suspect it is buried in the loft. Also had friends whose parents rented out their room and never felt welcome in the parental home again. Students have long holidays and need somewhere to come home to,

Students have long holidays and need somewhere to come home to,

No shit Sherlock.

But this thread is about swapping the eldest 'child's' bigger bedroom for the smaller bedroom so that their brother or sister, who is living there all of the time can have the larger room.

The university student will still have a bedroom of their own in the family house.

But if you or your parents had suggested swapping the rooms before you went your stuff would have been moved already and your brother wouldn't have taken it upon himself to swap.

Nobody has suggested that the student's room should be rented out.

Totally agree

This topic has come up before and I have seen the same thing - I really don't understand why, even if the eldest comes home for every university holiday (which I don't think is the norm anyway), you wouldn't prioritise the younger child at this point.

When this discussion takes place for stepchildren, the consensus is always that the step child not there all the time should have the smaller room. I don't think this is any different.

The OP even says her qualm is that her child won't feel "important" any more, but obviously it doesn't matter for the younger ones to feel unimportant

Well I’m sure the idea that the rooms would be swapped before she leaves, in a planned move, rather than the younger sibling just taking it upon him/her self to dispose of her stuff without her knowledge. And no one has suggested renting the room out 🤦🏻‍♀️

DD had the large bedroom and when she was still at home and working in her gap year she offered to change rooms so her brother could have the largest room while he studied for A levels.

Ish, but I'm not sure I would in your shoes where it is clearly going to cause arguments because they ALL want the room.

When eldest DS left home his youngest brother was in a tiny box room (6 yo) and DSs room was a really large one. We left it for the first year, so that he could come home frequently and it was still his. The other DC had decent sized rooms and were happy where they were.

By the 2nd year, once he'd made friends and was coming home less we spoke to him and asked if he was ok with 7 yo having his room and he was. It was slightly different because he did an industrial apprenticeship degree - so he didn't have the long summer holidays. He basically just came home for a weekend now and then.

Anyway, it seemed wrong for the child at home all the time to be in a box room whilst a large bedroom stood empty.

No we didn't. Firstly the hassle of moving everything, no one really wanted. They're also back for almost half the year.

Secondly eldest didn't have the biggest/best room.
Thirdly the main taker was ds who wanted to turn the whole room into an indoor aviary for his budgies and that wasn't an option.

When we were growing up my dsis (eldest) always said she expected dbro (youngest) to swap when she left. She was also doing 45 week years from 2nd year onwards, so not home much. I never wanted to swap, but when it was tentatively raised with dsis that dbro had her room she burst into tears and said it proved she wasn't wanted at home, and now she felt she had no home...
I don't think dbro wanted to move anyway, but it was a bit of a surprise considering she'd always said we should do that as soon as she went to uni.

We left it to the siblings to sort out. Youngest wanted the big room so we said to talk to the oldest when they were back at Christmas . They had a meeting where youngest laid out their reasoning (I was eavesdropping outside the door and was impressed at their diplomacy)! They negotiated about what needed to stay in the big room (the other really is a box). Job done.

My sibling and I shared a room, when I left for uni the bunk beds became a single and they took it over fully. It remained their room until it became the parent room and they swapped the other for storage. I sofa surfed when I came home, which seemed only sensible given I was not 'home' most of the year.
Currently DC1 is about to move into the bigger room (our office at the moment) and the DC2 will take over DC1's old box room (moving out of our room).
I fully intend on swapping them when/if DC1 leaves for uni so that DC2 gets their turn in a bigger space.

Yes. We don't have a lot of m2 so if you don't live in the household you don't have a room of your own.

I think it depends on how unequal the rooms are. My Mum did a reshuffle when I moved out but I had the biggest room by a long way and the only en-suite. We won't bother because DD1's is only slightly bigger than DD2's.

I was the younger one who got the bigger room and if I hadn’t I would have been really upset and angry about it. Just because you’re the eldest it shouldn’t mean you have better things especially if they’re hardly going to be used.

DS1's bed wasn't cold before DS3 moved into it. No discussion, he just got into bed there ( extra large bed ) and treated it like it was his until DS1 came home, when he went back into his old room for the holidays.
DS1 is now home, and DS3 is in what was DS2's bedroom ( DC2 has own flat now)when he is not at uni, on the basis that it has to be left in a decent state for visitors. He is quite flexible in any event, has never had a problem moving to the boxroom or sofa or a siblings floor in order to accommodate visitors.
I would suggest you have a family meeting to work out a way forward that works for all of them, but I agree it's absolutely unfair for DC1 to keep the best room unoccupied for most of the year.

So when I went to Uni my parents moved house. I assumed I’d then come home to the smaller room but I didn’t. I got the very slightly bigger room. It was also used as a guest room. Eventually my single was swapped out for a double. My sister actually lived at home through uni and a bit longer until she bought her own flat. When she moved out her room became a study (also code for junk room) that has a folding bed stored for additional guests. So when my sister visits with her husband and child they have my old room and their child as the study.

Currently my eldest has the bigger room with a small double. They’ve swapped a few times between the rooms. She had the big room as a baby and toddler then the youngest arrived and got the smaller room. They shared bunk beds for a while in the bigger room and we tried the smaller room as a toy room. That didn’t last and we put the biggest in the small room for a while as she had less chunky toys. I then cleared out the bunks and got a loft bed in the small room for eldest to go back so she could have the desk. Youngest still had all the bigger toys at this point. Eldest then started struggling with the steps up and down for the off bed and I wanted her to have space to bring friends over so she went back to bigger room with a new small double bed. She has no friends round. Ever. She’s autistic and doesn’t socialise out of school. Her desk for her studying is just a clutter dump. Youngest made do with the most bed for a while then got sick of it so I re did her tiny room. She has been on sleepovers but can’t have anyone back due to lack of space. Tried suggesting they swap back but no chance. Think I made a mistake buying the small double bed. It would fit in the small room either but that’s the sticking point. Older child is a lot bigger too.

I’ve suggested after oldest does GCSEs she swaps so the younger has the space to study (she studies a lot more). Not sure how that’ll go. I actually think youngest will move out sooner than eldest. But the plan would be to give youngest the big room if oldest did move out.

We could also end up in a new house before all that happens depending on jobs/income etc.

No I wouldn't. Unless you were desperate for space and they consented to a re jig and got to decorate their new space.
I know when I was at Uni that haven of coming home to my room and privacy was bliss.

Even at the cost of a younger sibling who lives there all the time being squashed into a smaller room ? Eldest child privilege is strong here!

We will be in this situation in a few months. Dd1 does not want to move out of her big room yet but has said dd2 can use the room for studying/relaxing so a compromise they are both happy with.

Rotate the rooms.

my sister was moving into my room faster than I could pack as I was leaving for university. I was perfectly fine in the smallest room during breaks and summers. I didn’t even come back for all of them, but it had nothing to do with my room, I was just off living my life.